Losing the plot. I want to be the mum I thought I'd be but what if I can't?

[namechangerforthis]

I've changed my name for this because I am ashamed and I didn't think I would ever be like this. I think I might be going mad.

Have 2 DSs 15 months and 3 years. The 3 year old drives me completely insane. He is such a good boy so much of the time, but if we are indoors for any stretch of time, and let's face it you can't go out all the time,he just sends me completely lunar, and I just descend into total rage which spirals. It's like I am watching myself outside of myself but cannot stop. He torments his brother, takes his toys off im, won't give them back, doesn't listen to me or obey me, naughty step doesn't wrk, sohe got a smacked bottom which has no effect, then he gets put in his room, which he can climb out of, and by now the row is with me and him alone and I've disregarded what the original misdemanour was because I am so ENRAGED by him.

Hate it, this particular incident has ended in both of us crying, the only thing that restores peace is putting the telly on which I don't like doing. Then I calm down and h does, and we've just had a chat and a cuddle. ANd so it goes on.

I always thought I'd be a reasonable nice mum. I hate smacking him. I hate the blank look he gets when we are spiralling into shouting and rage. It's like he just doesn't HEAR me, and I'm talking to a brick wall.

Sad and really upset and worried my boys are just going to remember a horrible shouty mum instead of one that loves them so much.

sounds like he needs to get out and about more. at three he can go to a play group, nursery etc.
find one and send him there. hopefully he will comeback a bit more tired, andwill either have a nap. or, because he has spent all that timeplaying, it's not so bac lettind him watchsome telly.
tv does have its place. it is not the evil lord incarnate

I was going to say the same as pukkapatch. Any three year old would be bored senseless at home. I cant just stay home a whole day with mine. I have a 5 1/2 year old (in school) and a 2 1/2 year old. It is impossible to just stay home. Even my fantastically nice toddler turns into a raging frenzied little horror if we have to stay at home a whole day. I always go out with him, even a shopping trip. It should be possible for you to take them both to toddler group somewhere? Music classes?
How about getting a preschool/ nursery place? You are entitled to a subsidised part time nursery place for over 3 year olds.

And dont worry, I am sure you already are that nice mum you wish to be. But sometimes it is hard to stay sane when your kids drive you up the wall.

how does he get out of his room hun?

if your feeling enraged put him somewhere safe and go away to calm down.

ignore it if possible

count to 10 slowly then deal with it.

and no harm in the telly

peace is peace in book.

Smacking doesn't work, as you are finding out. There are loads of postivie parenting techniques and tips you could try instead. give lots of praise when he does do something good. Be consistent. Be clear and simple in your commands. Try to distract him. Talk in a whisper if he is not listening, sometimes the contrast s so unexpected it works wonders.
Also, think about a reschool or nursery for him for a couple of days a week. You should get funding for him if he is three.
Talk to your health visitor about attending a positive parenting class - they run throughout the year in most areas and some have creches, others are in the evenings.
Good luck, it is very hard with 2 young ones.

He goes to nursery 3 mornings a week. We never spend a whole day at home. I'm talking 2 hours at home. He is tired, he's been swimming today. I know it's me not him.

I have been a SAHM for 17 months and am going back to work in a couple of weeks. The main reason is because Icannot cope at home. I did for a year. I had the "perfect mum" hat on and I really was pretty damn perfect, never shouted, used all the positive praise tactics, always praised the good, and do still actually. Then the halo fell off. Anger is just all of a sudden THERE when it never used to be.

This is not all the time. I'd say 75% of the time we are brillaint, I do love love love them so and they are the apple of my eye, very beautiful, clever, sweet and loving. And having monitored the incidents and their timing it is when I am at the end of my tether, ie today when DH has chosen Saturday to spend 4 hours looking at a farking car we don't need. But then, flip it round and I've had a lovely long lie in this morning so.....

I don't know. I know that his behaviour is entirely normal. It's my reaction to it sometimes that surprises me, as I didn't even know I had it in me.

BTW he got out of his room by climbing over his stair gate, first time he's ever done it.

Don't be so hard on yourself then! You will feel much better when you go back to work (knackered, but better )
Absence does make the heart grow fonder...

I know fullmoonfiend - I am my harshest critic - but I tell you, if I had been being flimed during that 10 minutes I reckon a court would have grounds to take my kids off me. No I didn't hurt them, or leave a mark when I smacked him, but shouting shrieking, cying, picking him up bodily to deposit him in his room, I mean christ it's just awful. DH has never seen me be that way with them, no-one has (my sister once I think) and it's like a nasty little secret - I know people look at me and think I am so sorted and calm and good with my children. I try so hard to be, but clearly crash and burn sometimes!

You could be describing me on a bad day (or as the case may be...)

DD bounces off the walls at home, in her ideal world we would only come home to sleep - it isn't possible. The "get him out more" comments don't help when you know cannot take him out any more due to money/things that have to be done at home occasionally/general tiredness.

I don't have much in the way of advice. Chamomile tea helps me

I completely understand where you are coming from, I too am surprised by my spiralling rage sometimes in response to DS not listening to me, it is not something that I ever feel in other situations

3 year olds are really hard work, they test your patience so much more than a 2 year old, but, for what it's worth, they do get better!

Some things that I found helped when I felt I was losing control:

Pretend to be a patient lovely mummy, sounds crazy, but it worked, I'd put on a lovely sweet sing-song voice and make a game out of it. So for example, when DS wasn't tidying up his toys, saying no, throwing them, and all I wanted to do was shout, I'd dit down ans say "ooo let's see who can tidy up faster" and laugh etc. Made me cringe inside, but did work sometimes!

But, let's face it, sometimes you don't want to do that, you are too mad. This is when I put DS somewhere away from me, leave the situation, and have a few minutes to calm down, I do this especially when I've already got really angry, we are having a shouting match, or he has smacked or hit me. I've put him outside the front door in the past, or gone outside myself, to escape for a few minutes.

It is really hard, but my DS is 4.5 now and I'm finding it much easier.

'How to talk so kids listen and listen...' was also really helpful as an alternatigve to getting cross or shouting. I'd recommend it.

3 year old boys drive you to the very very edge of your limit sometimes. Especially if they have a younger sibling who is more obediant and actually better behaved.

He may well have been swimming - it desn't follow that he will behave himself just because he is tired though, in fact he might crank himself up fro the rest of the day. Ds1 did. he did, and still does, and always has, needed permenatn input. All the bloody time.

You may have to do something morning and afternoon, just to stop yourself going nuts.

You certainly need to do something alone with him - so when your 15 month old is having a nap, or otherwise occupied, you could sit with and do sticking or drawing or lego or let him just choose. It has helped me rebond a bit with ds1, who was so hard to deal with at three I sobbed myself to sleep quite frequently, because I was starting to feel like giving him away to any passerby who would promise to feed him(and I was always in love with him before!)

Hi Flame. Thanks. I don't think it's possible to be out more than we are to be honest. I plan a morning thing out, an afternoon thing out, and we are here for meals and maybe an hour or so over lunch time. That's pretty much it. We go to singing, swimming, the park, soft play, he attends pre-school, and typically have 2-3 play dates a week. He has the life of bloody riley to be honest, which I think fuels my anger when he goes spare at home as part of me is like KERIST CAN YOU NOT PLAY NICELY AT HOME WITH YOUR £50,000 WORTH OF PLASTIC TAT FOR JUST ONE HOUR AND LET ME DRINK A HOT CUP OF TEA!!!!??? PLEASE!!! Then the good angel kicks in and says hey, he wants your attention you can't stand int he kitchen and read a magazine and drink tea, no not even for 10 minutes. And then I think, hey why bloody not? They get the rest of me 24/7. I just need this right now.

I tell you work three days a week in a stressful sales job is going to be a walk in the park after this.

You sound sooooooooo much like me - I can't tell you how much I am enjoying full time school

My kids got away with dismantling a whole roll of toilet paper all over the living room floor today just so I could sit down for 10 minutes with a cup of coffee.

I know what it's like.

overmydeadbody he nearly got put out the front door earlier, when he wouldn't stop shouting. It was touch and go. Thanks for your advice I really appreciate it all of you. DS2 asleep, DS1 watching CHitty CHitty Bang Bang we are all friends. I have aplogised and so has he. And round we go again.........

I was going to drive tonight. I am SOOOO booking a taxi now.

why don't you lock the front door and put the key out of reach? That's what I do.

I let DS do that the other day Belgo - mine was so I could get an order packaged up!

There are many similar threads by me out there - some name changed, some honest.

I made her sob her heart out by throwing big boo out the front door because it was the only thing I knew would upset her , and seeing her upset (to my hysterical mind) was the only way I could believe she was sorry for whatever she had done

It does get easier (as long as DH does school reading...). Things eased up slightly when she was doing preschool every morning, and now she is at school full time I am appreciating her more.

Flame I hear you. I let him see me crying which I have nver done before because I wanted him to see how much he had upset me. He is 3 years old FGS. All I did was completely bewilder him.

no advice really, but my 8 yr old is still like this.

without a doubt he's harder work then all of them put together. he's fine one-2-one but when there are 3 younger then him thats pretty difficult.

Its hard hard work.

From my experience, when my DS sees me crying aftre we've had a battle or he's been particularly vile, it really seems to upset him, he cries too and hugs me and says sorry, then we are both blubbering wrecks! Although he will then do what I asked him to do, it doesn't seem to have any long term beneficial affect.

Oh it is hard isn't it.

You poor love. I have an 11 month old DS who is (mostly) angelic but it's really good for me to get an idea of what may be ahead!

My suggestions below don't come from experience but from other friends + TV shows + a psychology degree...hope they are of some use to you!

In terms of altering his naughty behaviour, have you tried setting goals with him? There are various goal charts for kids which you can buy, or you can make one of your own. I saw this on one of those parenting programmes - e.g if he likes cycling, draw a mountain on a large sheet of paper and stick a photo of his face on a piccy of a cyclist. Mark something like 20 different 'stops' going up the mountain.

The principle is that every time he does something good, you reward him by letting him go one stop up the mountain. It's vital that you tell him what he did that was good, and why you consider it good. That way he can learn what is acceptable behaviour. This approach is a great all-rounder which ticks several boxes at once. It's a visible reminder of what he should be doing (stick it on a surface which he can see easily but can't necessarily move his character up the mountain himself!), it's a great way of focusing his mind on setting and achieving goals - excellent life skills - ; and you can also incorporate other rewards into it - e.g every time he reaches 5 stops he gets a little treat (little being the operative word - such as a favourite pud - no need to spend lots of money here otherwise it can feel like bribery!).

I'm sure it should also work to discourage bad behaviour - i.e. when he's naughty you tell him what he's done and he goes down the mountain. Don't forget that you MUST use the chart to explain what you consider to be his good/ bad behaviour.

Also have you thought about how he feels about his position in the family in relation to his younger sibling? He may be getting less attention (many fab parents do this without realising, just because their older children are that bit more independent). Does he get much time alone with you? Since he was used to having that before his little bro came along it's possible that he may be hankering after that again - all the more necessary once you start work. Why don't you ask close friends if they've observed that he gets less of your attention? You might be surprised. If this is the case you could take a look at the book 'I'm Bored' (by Suzy Barratt and Polly Beard) as it has loads of cheap, fun, engaging game ideas which you can play with him alone or as a three/ whole family. They have some examples on the Early Learning Centre website - I think you have to register first, and then you click to the section which has 'ideas cards' or something like that. Or maybe you could do something simple like make milkshakes together, etc.

Another thing - how much 'creative' play does he have? E.g. does he have a craft box - filled with any old tat such as scraps of old material, coloured paper, sticky things, buttons, glue, card, etc. Or maybe get him a bunch of cardboard boxes from the market and challenge him to build a rocket or a spaceship, boat, anything!

Please don't beat yourself about. Parenting, as you know, is far and away the most challenging role of our lives. You say things are great 75% of the time? Well done! You're clearly doing an amazing job and you should NEVER let the unhappy 25% dominate your feelings about your family life, y'hear?

Good luck. xxx

thankyou very much for that post MrsHenry, am touched you put so much thought into it.

He deffo gets less attention now, and I will have to watch that even more so when I go back to work you are right.

We do alot of the other things you mentioned already and your post serves to reinforce I am doing some things right at least!

Thanks again, this morning is going well so far!

xx

Hello ncft i only have one but can sympathise. Someone recommended the pocket parent to me which is so far quite sensible and SHORT so i can read it on the tube to work. There they recommend getting a babysitter once a week so you can have a 'date' with just yourself DH and older DS so he gets some individual attention. Maybe not achievable but could you do a Sunday trip with him every now and then just the two of you to do something fun which is only for 'big boys' not for younger sibling?

I expect everybody recognises your feelings on this namechange, I know I've always tried hard to be really patient, understanding, not shout etc....but my oldest two have brought the worst out of me lately so I know how you feel ! Think they too are reacting to latest addition to family. Everyone gets less attention now, but thats life, they have to get used to it. And they have to learn and respect that mums need a few mins here and there to ourselves, without them being naughty while we do it !So don't be too hard on yourself, as everyone else has said. Sometimes when constantly returning my mischieveous dds back to bed, I have every intention of not speaking, just ignoring, like they tell you to, but their sheer naughtiness sometimes makes me see red and before I know it I'm shrieking too and threatening all sorts ! At the end of the day you know you are good mum, and all you are asking for is a bit of peace and quiet every now and again. IMO thats not too much to ask, and it drives me mad too when the kids don't get this !

Oh, ive been there! My dd1 was sent to me from hell! dd2 is far more placid, but lazy too.
They are 7&4 now.

When dd1 was 3 dd2 was just a baby, less than 1yr.
I dont know how i coped.

I put the tv on alot. Not all of it is bad, i try to choose dvds that are slightly educational or classic films too.

Dont give yourself such a hard time about the tv. If you really want to limit it, use it as a reward. "if you can play nicely for 10 minutes (set a timer, have your cup of tea and start with only 10 minutes increasing to longer spells) you can watch a dvd after"

That way you get the 10 minutes and possibly another hour of peace.

I have to put my girls in their rooms if im really not coping. The volume of the screams and everything just drives me to the edge!

All you can do is your best.

I agree with sticker charts/reward/praising the good and ignoring the bad amd the distraction wherever possible.

It is hard though, to remain calm. My dd1 is full of backchat, which i just cannot cope with. Seriously see red mist!
I have smacked, but like you it doesnt make alot of difference. I use it more like a threat now, they know i will do it, and especially when we are out, i just say "do you want me to pull your pants down and sack you in front of all these people?"
The answer is always, no.

I have spent hours hanging all my body weight on the door handle to dd1s bedroom, to stop her getting out once id put her in there.
She has grown to know that she has to ask nicely, and has calmed down, and i have calmed down too.

I love her to bits, dd1, but honestly sometimes ive been that close. And that breaks my heart.

She is 7 now and is sooo uch easier! Still gives me grief, but not like when she was 3/4/5! Especially at 3, she was jealous too (still is a bit) of dd2. All the cuddles and time and attention she got from me used to be solely for dd1. I tried not to, but well a newborn/lo takes all your attention. DD1 was just in my way most of the time.

It does get easier, but its a long time comming.
You can do it, if i did!