Losing the plot. I want to be the mum I thought I'd be but what if I can't?

[namechangerforthis]

I've changed my name for this because I am ashamed and I didn't think I would ever be like this. I think I might be going mad.

Have 2 DSs 15 months and 3 years. The 3 year old drives me completely insane. He is such a good boy so much of the time, but if we are indoors for any stretch of time, and let's face it you can't go out all the time,he just sends me completely lunar, and I just descend into total rage which spirals. It's like I am watching myself outside of myself but cannot stop. He torments his brother, takes his toys off im, won't give them back, doesn't listen to me or obey me, naughty step doesn't wrk, sohe got a smacked bottom which has no effect, then he gets put in his room, which he can climb out of, and by now the row is with me and him alone and I've disregarded what the original misdemanour was because I am so ENRAGED by him.

Hate it, this particular incident has ended in both of us crying, the only thing that restores peace is putting the telly on which I don't like doing. Then I calm down and h does, and we've just had a chat and a cuddle. ANd so it goes on.

I always thought I'd be a reasonable nice mum. I hate smacking him. I hate the blank look he gets when we are spiralling into shouting and rage. It's like he just doesn't HEAR me, and I'm talking to a brick wall.

Sad and really upset and worried my boys are just going to remember a horrible shouty mum instead of one that loves them so much.

KWYM about the 'nasty little secret'. My friends seem tho think I'm so chilled and calm. But they don't see me throwing a bigger tantrum than my 4 year old.

I wake up thinking 'today I'm not going to shout or get cross', yet the buttons get pressed and off I go....

I have a dd 11 months old, and have just returned to work. Dh is dealing with being reluctant SAHD. dd1 about to go to new primary school. I know my dd1's frustration and behaviour is just a reflection of all the changes in our household, yet I stil slip into momentarily thinking that she is the problem - boy how guilty do I feel typing that!

The point, for me, is not to try and 'deal' with her behaviour - like she is the problem, but to try and do things to help the home situation. Am trying more hugs, cuddles, doing things together as a family etc. in the hope that more security = less tantrums. Also, being nicer to dh - as think she picks up on the strain we're under even though we love each other to bits. Fingers crossed!

i cant tell you how comforted i am by reading this thread... how much i identify with you on this namechange and others.

thank you for making me feel a touch less like a psychotic damaging evil self centred nasty mean ... oh, you get the drift.

best wishes

My DS is only 13 months so I have a while before I encounter the challenging threes. However, to my shame, I have already truly lost it now and again with my DS, and it's when he's simply being a baby, not actually naughty at all. Two things struck me about your post which chime with two triggers for my anger. I've leant now when I'm feeling angry with DS to ask myself 2 questions:

Is this deflected anger at someone or something else, who is more difficult to be angry with eg a spouse, a colleague, an adult relative?

Am I emotionally disregulated due to lack of sleep, food, a moment to myself?

If it is the first, I calm myself down as I get some perspective on what is truly making me tetchy and I return to seeing DS as someone who is annoying for baby-like reasons, that I can assimilate and deal with.

If the second, I make sure PDQ that I have a snack, stand for 10 minutes and have that cup of tea, even if it means DS is flinging DVDs across the room and I probably should intervene. Then I find myself calmer and the whole temperature in the room cools down.

Nothing I have ever done is as tough as being a parent.

When I am truly knackered and at my limit I say to DS, "Look, I'm just your mother, not Joan of Arc". ie.e I'm not a sodding saint.

On the TV, I don't see anything wrong with putting it on for a bit at home to unwind/distract your older child when you've been or are going out so much. It's not like you're using it as an alternative to doing anything else. Also, it seems very reasonable to use it if it works so that you can deal with the needs of your younger child.

Perhaps you could talk to DH about feeling that your older DC needs a little one to one time with you and could he take on the younger one for a regular slot, even a couple of hours, while you do that?

If I manage to do what I want and get pregnant again next year, I may well be coming back to you for advice on how to deal with my child born in May this year in a couple of years' time.

Good luck. And don't feel bad. I know I want more than one child but I feel nervous about whether I can cope, it's a hard thing to do and I bet you see lots of mums who are apparently doing a great job but secretly feel like you do at your bad moments.

"Nothing I have ever done is as tough as being a parent."

ME NEITHER!

It's so reassuring to find this thread...today I feel so depressed that I don't want to live any more. I'm at the end of my tether. I really worry I am going to hurt my daughter...I love her, but it seems like she brings out the worst in me sometimes and it makes me feel so guilty

At 2 I know she's too young to be winding me up on purpose, but it's just so hard to remember that when the red fog descends - especially as she has the vocabulary of a 5 y o. I have a young baby as well, and it has got to be so that we HAVE to be out of the house all the time or the 2 yo goes into meltdown, but she's not much better when we're out so basically the ONLY place we can go is the one o'clock club / park / playgroup. I know in retrospect that she should have been at nursery at least part-time over these months of my Mat leave but my DH was supposed to sort it and didn't ...by the time I realised all the nurseries round here were full

Is it worse for her to be in a bad nursery than looked after by a mum that has a meltdown once a week?

in fact, i know it sounds selfish, but i really wish i hadn't had any children. I feel totally stifled by them at the moment

I have 3yo DTS and work part-time so that makes things easier. When they both get going, they really push me and DH to the limits.

I find the best thing is to destract/ignore where possible. They love books so I always suggest reading a story and this always works. They love listening to audio tapes too and following the story in books so I have a selection from the library. If I need to do something and they are becoming frazzled, I manipulate them into choosing a story, they put the CD on (so they are in control) and then they listen to it about 10 times in a row. That gives me half an hour of peace. Also, I get them to choose and put on their favorite DVD and this always calms them down.

Best of luck! Also, working is a piece of cake compared to parenting. I go to work for a rest.

it's already been said, BUT....sounds like you are pretty normal to me!

There are a few things to consider, though, which might help you to cope a bit better with things:

Firstly, don't set your 'mothering' standards too high! Show me the mother who doesn't lose it now and then and get all angry and shouty with her kids? My mum is and has always been the softest, kindest, gentlest mum in the world, but I can still remember her losing it every now and then and dragging us screaming to our rooms . Having two toddlers is bloody hard work. I've just got the one (nearly 3) and I so identify with what you were saying about just wanting a sit down and a cuppa now and then without being pulled, prodded, asked questions, expected to sort things out for your toddler etc.

Secondly - you've probably worked out by now that smacking, shouting and generally raising the whole situation to fever pitch doesn't have the desired effect. Just remember that fact when you feel that anger bubbling up (natural anger, I might add - you aren't bad for feeling angry or annoyed, you're just human!). If you can make a conscious effort to say to yourself when you feel the anger rising 'getting angry is going to make this situation worse and make us all feel bad', at least you might be able to dissipate it maybe half the time, which is better than nothing (it's a bit like that old 'count to ten when you get angry' thing - it doesn't always work, but you'd be surprised at how often it does).

Lastly - I think you're making the right move going back to work. It sounds like you need some 'you time' (sorry for the corny American phrase!) - some time out from mummydom (which we all know can be bloody relentless), a chance to use different parts of your brain and some adult company. I'm a SAHM at the moment, and have days when I am climbing the walls with my toddler, but whenever I do get some 'time off', I inevitably come back to ym son feeling refreshed and much calmer, and enjoy being with him so much.

Good luck, and as you can see from all the replies - you aren't alone!

NotAWorrier, and everyone else, I can so totally relate to what you are all saying and I am also so relieved to discover it is not just me who can be driven SPARE by a lively, intelligent but totally full on toddler. I too find myself feeling just completely full of rage at some of the challenging toddler stuff that I get from dd (who when she isn't being a monster is so completely gorgeous...), and I can't always see the rage coming until it has suddenly descended in a sort of red fog. I find that it is definitely worse if I'm tired (well, ok, read REALLY tired...), and I definitely think that motherhood is by far the MOST difficult thing I have had to do in my life, much more so than the 90 hour weeks I have worked in the past.
NAW, I would say that if your dd enjoys nursery, then take her. I don't know what you mean by "bad" nursery, whether it is somewhere that doesn't look after them properly (in which case no, don't do it) or just not the best most stimulating one in the area.

It's the latter...I went to look at it and just couldn't see her fitting in there, but I think I was just being a bit too precious. Still it does seem suspicious that it's the ONLY local nursery that has space and they were chasing me for her to start as soon as possible.

Perhaps you can take her to a few trial classes and see how she gets on? Or have a chat to some of the other parents who have children there? My dd just loves her nursery, and of course she is a total angel when she is there according to the staff.....!

I spent an hour there with her just watching whilst she did her thing (she's never had any kind of separation anxiety and just gets on with it) ...it just doesn't seem worth it in some ways as she's starting pre-school on the 7th Jan...and I'm going back to work part-time. Just I may lose it totally before then...really getting very down. Maybe I just need valium or something to help me cope till then? I try and tell myself that I'm lucky to get to spend all this time with my children, and that I should be appreciating how wonderful they are blah blah blah but the sad reality is that I'm just not happy

Sorry NameChangeForThis - not hijacking your thread - just reading your post really hit the nail on the head for me.

How old is your baby NAW? Perhaps you have got some pnd and you don't realise it.... might be worth seeing your gp for a chat, if nothing else. In my limited experience, I find it is so easy for things to spiral into a negative pattern of behaviour, until neither of you (you or dd) can do anything nice/right etc, and you are both anticipating trouble and becoming very defensive. You have to find the positive in her and praise it hugely, and hope that you can somehow break that pattern. My dd is currently shouting a lot, at us (me and dh) and at her little brother a LOT and in the most horrible bossy way. Some of it just comes with the toddler territory I think, but certainly I can her ME in her shouting sometimes and I realise that she is learning her least attractive behaviour from us ().
Sorry, not meaning to hi-jack thread either.
Actually, rescue remedy can be a massive help. madly enough.

Reading your posts again, I suspect she has picked up on your negative feelings about her, especially if she is bright, which it sounds she is. Breaking the cycle will hellp, but also if you are a bit depressed and can help yourself and your feeling down in some way, that should also help you both a lot.

Or, if there are no nursery`s etc that you are comfortable with, how about a chidminder?

Just having a regular break will help. Youll have more time for her when she gets home. Youll have done all your housework or had a shower in peace or even been to the hairdressers, xmas shopping maybe??

Myy dd1 definitely picked up on my negative feelings for her. I gad a lo (dd2) dd1 was just in my way most of the time. Irritating, demanding and generally getting on my wick! I was concsious of this fact at the time, but couldnt help the way i felt. I tried and tried, infact im still trying. But what can you do? All you can do is try your best.

Haych you're right. My DH has been trying to help out by taking her wednesdays so I can get some writing done, and generally being v supportive over the weekend...I think it is to do with LO and generally feeling like I don't ever get any 'me' time - hence 'slightly' irritating behaviour becomes blown out of proportion. Feeling much calmer now both DCs are in bed, and have had a chance to relax a bit. Think I frightened DD1 with my mummy tantrum, so she stayed out of my way for a while...and still told me she loved me before she went to bed...made me feel worse (for being so shit) and better (I haven't scarred her for life...this time) at the same time.

Namechangefor this - you realise now you are not the only one !!! I get very upset too when not being the mum I thought I would / should be. It has really helped me to see a family therapist (both with dp and alone), so I would recommend this as something for you to consider. Very very best of luck and hope you find plenty of stuff that works for you and your family.

Its self control.
Walk away.
Go outside or upstairs.
And have a serious word with yourself.
You will behave like the adult, firm but fair, you will not lose your temper.

Count down from 35 backwards, then return back into the house.

(thats what i try to do anyway)

I find i react worse and worse if im short for time or already cross (like maybe with dp). They really know which buttons to push eh?

It does get better, trust me ive been there. Still hanging in there and no scars for life inflicted (well maybe a bit-shouty mummy/nasty mummy/mean mummy).

wow, thanks so much for all the posts, I really do feel so much better knowing I am not the only one that seems to have slipped occasionally so far from the mummy pedestal I created for myself. All hi-jacks welcome!

NAW, you are not the only one to frighten yourself sometimes with what you think you might be capable of doing but I think if there was any danger of that happpening you would have done it by now. Kids are IRRITATING sometimes there is no getting away from it.

I am looking forward to getting back to work, I think it will be bloody marvellous to be quite honest, even just to go to the loo by myself FGS!!!

I do need more self control. and I wil stop feeling guilty about sticking him in front a DVD you are right, it is in between two usually very busy activities in his day so why should that be a problem?

Well today was a much better day...went more at her pace than trying to push things, and had far fewer tantrums...I think sometimes it's trying to get out of the house, which I know helps with burning off energy but can be really stressful at the same time.