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Original poster

AIBU mum of daughter's friend interferes

46 replies

californiadreamer · 21/05/2021 17:31

Hi
Having a chat with my teenage daughter, she asked me if I can take her to the doctor because her friend's mum (who's trained to spot these things apparently) thinks she may have ADHD.

My daughter does have issues with her processing speed and working memory which we found out when we took her to see an educational psychologist when she was 10 - but she does not have ADHD.

I feel flipping furious right now that this mum has raised this with my daughter. It's not the first time she has interfered - at times it's like she has taken on the role of an adoptive mother and I'm not sure what she really is up to. I do plan on speaking to her about it - but right now feel too angry.

I feel for anyone to make a diagnosis or to give my daughter a label or make her think there's something wrong with her own mind is really damaging.

I have explained to my daughter - that having known her for all her life, and cared for her, and taken her to an ed psych I know she does not have ADHD. I said - look I may be wrong and I am quite open to the fact that I am not right all of the time - but if you had ADHD it would have been spotted earlier.

I am looking into getting her help for her working memory and processing speed and her school is helping too.

But - AIBU to feel this angry about the other mum? Any advice as to how I handle this without losing my cool or getting too emotional.

OP posts:
WildWestWanda · 21/05/2021 17:33

My dd wasn’t diagnosed until she was 21, despite having been assessed twice when she was younger

BinocularVision · 21/05/2021 17:40

It's outrageous of this woman to make an armchair diagnosis even a tentative one of your daughter, and communicate that to her face. Even if she's an expert in the condition, this in no way legitimates her throwing medical/neurological advice about to a child when off-duty. If she had genuine concerns, she should have talked to the OP, not her young daughter.

I would point this out extremely crisply to this person.

Whether your DD might have ADHD, regardless of a previous diagnosis, is an entirely separate issue, but that's for you and your daughter and actual experts on the condition, her processing issues.

Original poster
californiadreamer · 21/05/2021 17:44

wildwestwanda - that's interesting to know - thank you. But i feel that the mum should not be talking to my daughter about this. Her daughter has anxiety and depression and I wouldn't dream of telling her my opinion on her daughter's condition.

OP posts:

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Original poster
californiadreamer · 21/05/2021 17:44

BinocularVision - this is how I feel, thank you!

OP posts:
WildWestWanda · 21/05/2021 17:46

I do agree that she should not have spoken to your dd about it. If she was concerned she should have approached you.

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/05/2021 17:49

I was diagnosed with moderate dyslexia and dyspraxia at 30. They blamed my IQ for not being able to spot it earlier - apparently the higher your IQ is as a child the more difficult it is to spot certain conditions because you create little adjustments. But it is exhausting. Life feels so much now I’m getting some support.

OwlTwitterings · 21/05/2021 17:49

I think the mum should have talked to you about it rather than your daughter but it’s quite possible to be diagnosed in teens or as an adult. Much is often missed in childhood. I would rule it out and now the subject has been raised, I think you need to respect your daughter’s wishes and let her speak to her GP about a referral.

paralysedbyinertia · 21/05/2021 17:52

How old is your dd? Young teenager or older teenager?

Did the ed psych specifically investigate for adhd and explicitly rule it out?

paralysedbyinertia · 21/05/2021 17:56

if you had ADHD it would have been spotted earlier

This is the bit I'm struggling to get past in your OP. ADHD is very often missed, so it seems strange to be so confident that she doesn't have it, unless it has been specifically ruled out after investigation. And even then, it's possible that an ed psych might have got it wrong.

I don't know really, if your dd wants to get it investigated, I think I would support her tbh.

Original poster
californiadreamer · 21/05/2021 18:02

@GrumpyHoonMain

I was diagnosed with moderate dyslexia and dyspraxia at 30. They blamed my IQ for not being able to spot it earlier - apparently the higher your IQ is as a child the more difficult it is to spot certain conditions because you create little adjustments. But it is exhausting. Life feels so much now I’m getting some support.
grumyhoonmain - my daughter does have a very high IQ so that's an interesting perspective - thank you.
OP posts:
dorris88 · 21/05/2021 18:03

I feel you have a negative feeling against ADHD? I totally agree that the mum should have spoken to you rather than her daughter - 100%. I was diagnosed with ADHD at college and I never really went into details about the other struggles of ADHD with my mum because she thought it made me disabled.

I think of it as like anxiety but complex.

Also - parents can be protective of a diagnosis over their children. My best friends son struggled so much in English and I helped her through lockdown (bubbled) and home schooled and mentioned dyslexia. She was adamant he was just lazy. He went back to school and has been referred for dyslexia.

Perhaps you've been hoping it wasn't?

Original poster
californiadreamer · 21/05/2021 18:04

@paralysedbyinertia

if you had ADHD it would have been spotted earlier

This is the bit I'm struggling to get past in your OP. ADHD is very often missed, so it seems strange to be so confident that she doesn't have it, unless it has been specifically ruled out after investigation. And even then, it's possible that an ed psych might have got it wrong.

I don't know really, if your dd wants to get it investigated, I think I would support her tbh.

i have told her that I will support her and if she wants to go to her GP then of course I will take her. I have no problem with that at all - it's more that her friend's mum should not be talking to her about it - or making an armchair diagnosis.
OP posts:
Original poster
californiadreamer · 21/05/2021 18:06

@dorris88

I feel you have a negative feeling against ADHD? I totally agree that the mum should have spoken to you rather than her daughter - 100%. I was diagnosed with ADHD at college and I never really went into details about the other struggles of ADHD with my mum because she thought it made me disabled.

I think of it as like anxiety but complex.

Also - parents can be protective of a diagnosis over their children. My best friends son struggled so much in English and I helped her through lockdown (bubbled) and home schooled and mentioned dyslexia. She was adamant he was just lazy. He went back to school and has been referred for dyslexia.

Perhaps you've been hoping it wasn't?

No - no negative feeling about ADHD. It's not about the ADHD - but more about this mum who has interfered several times in my daughter's life and I feel she oversteps a mark sometimes.
OP posts:
paralysedbyinertia · 21/05/2021 18:19

I imagine that the mum was just trying to be helpful. Whether she should have mentioned it directly to your dd or not, it's hard to say. If she is a young 13, then yes, mum probably should have spoken to you first. If she is an older teen and quite mature, then I think it's fine for them to have a direct conversation about it. I don't think the other mum was diagnosing, maybe just observing patterns and recommending it be investigated.

If someone had noticed something like this about my almost 16yo, I would be grateful for their concern tbh and wouldn't object to them having a conversation with my dd about it. However, I firmly believe that I have undiagnosed adhd which has held me back all my life, almost certainly masked when I was younger by a high IQ, so I am coming at this from quite a biased angle - I really wish that some armchair diagnosing busybody had raised the possibility with me as a teenager and encouraged me to get it checked out. It would have made so much difference.

I can't help but wonder if some of your resistance here might be because of a (misplaced) feeling that, as her mother, you should have been able to recognise something like this if your dd had it? That it would be impossible for a random acquaintance to spot something that you as a loving mother might not have already observed? Obviously, it wouldn't be your fault if you had missed it, but these things aren't always rational and your reaction does seem quite defensive. Maybe I'm way off the mark, but if it turns out that your dd does have adhd, please remember that it definitely isn't your fault for not spotting it earlier. If dd is intelligent, she may well have managed to mask it extremely effectively.

paralysedbyinertia · 21/05/2021 18:20

Are you interpreting the other mum's "interference" as a criticism of your parenting? As if she thinks that you are somehow not doing enough?

Justilou1 · 21/05/2021 18:26

I can see where you’re coming from. While her heart may have been in the right place, her boundaries are blurred. She is NOT your child’s mother, YOU are. It wouldn’t have taken much to pick up a phone and call you, but she didn’t. Instead, she has potentially caused unnecessary stress for your kid. HOWEVER.... I would like to throw a spanner in the works and say that diagnostic criteria (and the testing itself) has changed completely in the last few years. (Probably several times over, tbh...) It’s not unfeasible to consider getting her retested.

Justilou1 · 21/05/2021 18:26

Also, I WOULD address this with the mother, btw...

Mumoftwoinprimary · 21/05/2021 18:31

@GrumpyHoonMain

I was diagnosed with moderate dyslexia and dyspraxia at 30. They blamed my IQ for not being able to spot it earlier - apparently the higher your IQ is as a child the more difficult it is to spot certain conditions because you create little adjustments. But it is exhausting. Life feels so much now I’m getting some support.
Completely different thing but no one realised that I was severely short sighted until a routine eye check picked it up.

Again - I was very able and didn’t know that I should be able to see the board at school (the girl I sat next to who could see it told me she had super-eyesight!) and was able to adjust.

12548ehe9fnfobms · 21/05/2021 18:34

Consider this, what if she's right & her interfering means that your daughter's life is easier as a consequence?

I hate a busy body as much as the rest. However, I'm currently being assessed for ADHD at the grand age of 46.

Masking for ADHD is exhausting. Why not choose to be open minded & do some research on ADHD in girls. If you met me in RL you would never guess.

Branleuse · 21/05/2021 18:35

The only reason youre pissed off is because of ableist stigma.
If your dd had said my friends mum says i smell like pear drops and should get tested for diabetes, youd react differently.

We need to change the narrative that people noticing potential neurodiversity is insulting them

paralysedbyinertia · 21/05/2021 18:58

If you met me in RL you would never guess.

Same here.

Original poster
californiadreamer · 21/05/2021 18:58

Thank you all for your wise comments. It has been really helpful and eye opening to hear from people who have had undiagnosed ADHD. So yes, I will take my daughter to the GP (but would have anyway) and be open minded about her having ADHD - so as to avoid much of what many of you have warned me about. Of course I would not want her to suffer - and yes, as many of you have said - if it takes a busybody to point something out that helps, then that's a good thing.

The mother in question has repeatedly crossed boundaries with me so there is history - she does not know my story nor my family's story and is quite judgemental - which makes me very sensitive to any comments by her.

So that is the real issue. Thanks again for your comments and help.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 21/05/2021 19:00

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the diagnosis that I can’t comment on this would properly piss me off. Busybody smugly implying you are an inept mother.

Original poster
californiadreamer · 21/05/2021 19:02

@Branleuse

The only reason youre pissed off is because of ableist stigma. If your dd had said my friends mum says i smell like pear drops and should get tested for diabetes, youd react differently.

We need to change the narrative that people noticing potential neurodiversity is insulting them

No - this is not the case and I respectfully disagree with you. I work in mental health. I do not stigmatise neurodiversity. I have the utmost empathy for those who struggle. My daughter has struggled with processing speed and working memory so that has always made her more "neurodiverse" then her peers - it's a real struggle for her.

Smelling like pear drops does not need professional help and is not a serious issue. ADHD is significant and does benefit from professional help.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 21/05/2021 19:02

But how fortunate your dd has this supermum to help her out as you are so hopeless 🙄. Just reading this makes me cross!