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Original poster

AIBU mum of daughter's friend interferes

46 replies

californiadreamer · 21/05/2021 17:31

Hi
Having a chat with my teenage daughter, she asked me if I can take her to the doctor because her friend's mum (who's trained to spot these things apparently) thinks she may have ADHD.

My daughter does have issues with her processing speed and working memory which we found out when we took her to see an educational psychologist when she was 10 - but she does not have ADHD.

I feel flipping furious right now that this mum has raised this with my daughter. It's not the first time she has interfered - at times it's like she has taken on the role of an adoptive mother and I'm not sure what she really is up to. I do plan on speaking to her about it - but right now feel too angry.

I feel for anyone to make a diagnosis or to give my daughter a label or make her think there's something wrong with her own mind is really damaging.

I have explained to my daughter - that having known her for all her life, and cared for her, and taken her to an ed psych I know she does not have ADHD. I said - look I may be wrong and I am quite open to the fact that I am not right all of the time - but if you had ADHD it would have been spotted earlier.

I am looking into getting her help for her working memory and processing speed and her school is helping too.

But - AIBU to feel this angry about the other mum? Any advice as to how I handle this without losing my cool or getting too emotional.

OP posts:

Standrewsschool · 21/05/2021 19:05

If the friend’s mum is trained to spot these things, then it’s not a random comment. If your dd is an older teen, then maybe that’s why she spoke directly to her. However, for younger teens, she should have spoken to you.

Original poster

californiadreamer · 21/05/2021 19:06

@MsTSwift

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the diagnosis that I can’t comment on this would properly piss me off. Busybody smugly implying you are an inept mother.

This was my knee jerk reaction yes - she has a way of trying to make me feel like an inferior mother. So yes, my issue is to not let that in.

What is frustrating is she does not know what support I am already giving my daughter and what we know about my daughter already. She makes an assumption that I don't care enough about my daughter to make this issue a priority. All at the same time as her own daughter is having huge mental health issues. So I have to pause and tell myself not to go with that knee jerk reaction and to be open minded about my daughter's issue. Thank you for your support x

OP posts:

Original poster

californiadreamer · 21/05/2021 19:07

@MsTSwift

But how fortunate your dd has this supermum to help her out as you are so hopeless 🙄. Just reading this makes me cross!

I do feel like that yes - right or wrong. Trying not to rise to this emotion.

OP posts:

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Standrewsschool · 21/05/2021 19:08

“ Smelling like pear drops does not need professional help and is not a serious issue”

Sorry to differ, but this is a recognise symptom of diabetes ketoacidosis, which is a serious condition.

diabetic ketoacidosis

FontyMcFontface · 21/05/2021 19:09

Smelling like pear drops does not need professional help and is not a serious issue. ADHD is significant and does benefit from professional help.

Erm, except it does. It’s a medical emergency and has profound and lifelong consequences for physical and mental health 🤷‍♀️

I was diagnosed with asd as adult and now believe I may have undiagnosed adhd too. I find your attitude insulting. ‘Something wrong with her own mind’???

Why shouldn’t she mention to your dd? I think it’s very important that dd gets to make her own mind up independently of you. And you’re very naive to think you would ‘know’ and it would have been picked up sooner.

I suggest you thank the mum and educate yourself about adhd in high functioning females. Additude magazine is a good place to start and you can read those articles online. There are online screening tools that may give you an idea.

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2021 19:11

How old is your daughter op?

FudgeFlake · 21/05/2021 19:12

Smelling like pear drops does not need professional help and is not a serious issue. ADHD is significant and does benefit from professional help.

Except that it's a classic symptom for potential Type 2 diabetes?

MsTSwift · 21/05/2021 19:14

Actually I think it’s quite unprofessional to Wade in unasked and discuss with the child themselves your “professional” opinion without instruction or knowing the full facts. Butt out!

partyatthepalace · 21/05/2021 19:16

Assuming your daughter is more like 14-15 than 17-18 then yes she should have talked to you first, and fair enough to point that out.

But just to gentle point out ADHD can often be missed well into adulthood.

Aalvarino · 21/05/2021 19:17

If this person truly is trained to spot this sort of thing then I'd respectfully suggest you seriously consider it regardless of how pissed off she has made you feel.

Inattentive ADHD is not always obvious at all and the two specific difficulties you mention (poor working memory and processing speed) are indicators both for dyslexia and inattentive ADHD.N

Iknowtheanswer · 21/05/2021 19:17

The fact you have history with this mother is relevant.

My teenager has other adults that he will talk to, and often open up too when he feels he doesn't want to worry me. In turn, I have had conversations about mental health, sex, relationships etc with some of his friends. It is normal for teens to talk to adults they trust.

But, I also know someone who sticks her nose in, always has an opinion, gets overly involved in other people's lives etc. I would not be happy if she started giving unwanted opinions to my dc...

Justilou1 · 21/05/2021 19:25

I am watching the daughter of the competitive super mum I know spiral terribly atm, and it’s heartbreaking. It’s such a rough age, when they’re so vulnerable!!! I feel like all I can do is hope my kids are telling me everything, and if they’re not, I can pick up the pieces. My 16yo DD1 has just had a diagnosis of ASD and ADHD (inattentive form). The ADHD surprised me a lot as she’s so academic. (Girls are good at masking, it seems.) I suspect Supermum’s undermining stems from her own insecurities. (You DO work in MH... I bet she is deflecting from her own kid’s issues...) I imagine that things at home with her own DD aren’t exactly a barrel of laughs. I hope you can speak to her when you calm down about minding her own beeswax.

MoesBar · 21/05/2021 19:27

Yes ADHD is often missed in bright girls, but being not bright isn’t a symptom of ADHD.

paralysedbyinertia · 21/05/2021 19:28

I don't think it suggests that the mum is inept at all tbh. It's so easy to miss the signs of stuff like adhd, especially in a bright child. If the dd does turn out to have adhd, I genuinely don't think it reflects badly on the mum in the slightest, and so I wouldn't see it as evidence of the other mum being critical.

Sometimes, it can be much easier to spot patterns from a distance, when you haven't known someone for their whole life and when you don't have any emotional involvement. I actually suggested a couple of years ago to my friend that she might want to get her teenage daughter assessed for asd. My friend had never even considered it, but it turned out that her dd was indeed on the spectrum, and getting a diagnosis proved very helpful for them both. I don't think for a moment that her mum missed the signs because she didn't care or wasn't trying hard enough - that would actually be a very insulting way to look at it. On the contrary, the mum was bending over backwards to support her daughter. I think it was easier for me to see it precisely because I was a step removed from the situation.

Depending on your dd's age and the relationships involved, maybe this other mum should have spoken to you first, but please don't assume that her intervention was intended in a critical way, or to have a dig at your parenting. Obviously, I don't know the back story here, but it is entirely possible that she was genuinely trying to help and that it didn't even occur to her that you would interpret it as a criticism of your parenting.

OwlTwitterings · 21/05/2021 19:43

I think you don’t like the mother so that is clouding how you view this.

netstaller · 21/05/2021 20:14

I think you should look into getting her tested again, you seem more hung up on the fact this other mother dared to mention it, but it may have been missed first time. It may be the right thing for her to ask about getting it looked into to again.

Original poster

californiadreamer · 21/05/2021 20:52

@FontyMcFontface

Smelling like pear drops does not need professional help and is not a serious issue. ADHD is significant and does benefit from professional help.

Erm, except it does. It’s a medical emergency and has profound and lifelong consequences for physical and mental health 🤷‍♀️

I was diagnosed with asd as adult and now believe I may have undiagnosed adhd too. I find your attitude insulting. ‘Something wrong with her own mind’???

You seem to be finding offence where none is or was meant. We are here to support each other - not tear each other down.

You do not know me - now what kind of mum I am. You do not know how I support and love my daughter. Based on a lot of very wise comments in this thread I will indeed look more into adhd in females - it has opened my eyes. I am sorry you have had the experience you have had - it must have been very tough.

OP posts:

BlueCookieMonster · 21/05/2021 21:00

Without going into the other issues on the thread, I wasn’t diagnosed with adhd and asd until I was well into adulthood. I was even in bottom sets at times for certain subjects at school, my dyslexia and dyspraxia wasn’t picked up until university. These things being missed, in unfortunately not uncommon.

Justilou1 · 22/05/2021 01:27

Okay everyone... we have a couple of things going on here.

OP is taking her daughter to be assessed. Let it go.
OP is dealing with another mother who grossly violated her personal boundaries by discussing something with her daughter that should have been discussed with her instead. This mother has form for being goady and OP probably does need to say something. It’s all out there. Stop attacking the woman. She has already stated that she loves and cares for her child and is supporting her in every way she can. It’s really, really hard doing that. We all know this. Can’t we actually commend her for this instead of ripping her to shreds for trying to do the right thing?

Original poster

californiadreamer · 25/08/2021 20:01

@Justilou1

Okay everyone... we have a couple of things going on here. 1) OP is taking her daughter to be assessed. Let it go. 2) OP is dealing with another mother who grossly violated her personal boundaries by discussing something with her daughter that should have been discussed with her instead. This mother has form for being goady and OP probably does need to say something. It’s all out there. Stop attacking the woman. She has already stated that she loves and cares for her child and is supporting her in every way she can. It’s really, really hard doing that. We all know this. Can’t we actually commend her for this instead of ripping her to shreds for trying to do the right thing?

Jusitlou1 - I've just seen this - thank you so much. I really appreciate you putting my side across and understanding my experience. That means a lot.

OP posts:

ManicPixie · 25/08/2021 21:06

My answer would depend on how old the daughter is.

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