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Very clever child, what do I do, if anything?

88 replies

SquarePeggyLeggy · 20/05/2021 22:40

There’s no way for this to sound not like a humble brag. I’ll caveat by explaining, I have three children, and have not experienced anything like this until the youngest. My kids have several cousins, they are also not like this.
My oldest child is quite bright but quite lazy and uninterested in school work, he wants to do a trade, isn’t interested in further study, which is fine. He also has ADHD. So his marks and school work are all over the place. My second child is quite average, performs straight down the middle, is quite creative but again, not academically focused and nothing out of the ordinary school wise, and did briefly require learning support. In summary, I’m not a crazy person who thinks all of her children are brilliant geniuses.
We have a youngest child who turned 2 in March. So this is very young. She was drawing the other day and wrote a perfect letter e. She called out:”Mummy, look, e!” I couldn’t believe it, so rubbed it out and asked her to do it again. She did, perfectly. I then wrote down a series of letters and asked her what they were, she got them all correct, I varied upper and lower case. We also have read her a book about shapes, maybe 3 times. She points them all out correctly in the environment, including more advanced ones like “diamond”. She knows big, medium and small (but does call them Daddy, Mummy and baby, like baby cow for a calf and Daddy cow for a bull). We do baby dancing, and she knows and correctly does all of the choreography. She anticipates it and does it in advance, she remembers it. They’ve moved her in with older kids at nursery for learning groups and the dancing teacher has put her in the class with 4 year olds.
Is this normal? I don’t think it is. My other children knew their letters by the time they started school, but only just, and they could write their names but not really other words or letters. That seemed to be normal amoungst their cohort.
What should we do, if anything, to support this? Previously I’ve provided toys, lots of outdoor time and we always had a bed time story, but my other kids mainly liked running around, imaginary play and destroying the house. Confused
This child will sit and complete puzzles and activity cubes. She draws and draws and leads through books. She observes what I’m doing and comes to help and she is helpful! She realises the goal of any activity (like taking the washing out of the machine) and does it until it’s done. She watches once and knows how to do things correctly. She can navigate the Netflix to find Shaun the Sheep for example.

I feel as though she could have some support to really extend herself. At the same time, she is a baby in nappies, and I’m very much not a flash card drilling kind of Mum.

My brother is highly intelligent, he was skipped ahead in school and it resulted in a mental health crisis for him, so there’s that.

What do people do in this situation? Maybe learn an instrument? Language class or something? I don’t know. In other areas she’s totally just turned two: still in nappies, has a baby voice and baby grammar, ie sounds her age when she talks.

OP posts:
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MingeOnFire · 21/05/2021 06:21

I have a DD who was like that as a toddler, she was very advanced at that age. Now she's 23 and although she's still bright, she's certainly not exceptional. She was just an earlier developer. In fact I would say my 17 year old DS is similar academically now, but took ages to speak and write and wasn't interested in reading for years.

It may well equal out as she grows but I would agree just carry on as you are

picturesandpickles · 21/05/2021 06:27

Do absolutely nothing, just see how it goes.

One thing I will say having had a child who continued to get high marks - never ever discuss this with parents at school. I used to get approached and asked things, what reading level, how they did in x test etc. I answered 'fine' or 'not sure'. Do not ever get into talking about it, that is very weird IMO.

ab21 · 21/05/2021 06:43

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

My DD1 is bright and capable (greater depth in all areas of the curriculum now she’s in Y2) but hates when things are hard work. She’s not used to it. Make sure you challenge your DD so she gets used to things not always being easy. Practise more difficult dance routines, sort the washing into different categories, read age appropriate books together. Just because she can read and understand Shakespeare doesn’t mean it’s appropriate.
My younger son is the same. I hate the description but he's very bright which showed from a similarly young age. But he is used to finding work easy and tends to gravitate to things that give the most glory. As a result, if something is harder, he often wants to give up as he isn't used to the feeling of not being able to do something. It's definitely a downside. He also still hates losing at games, though thankfully no longer cries (just as well as he's now a teenager...!).

My advice would be lots of games and puzzles, museum trips and books. Mine loved jigsaws. He also plays a lot of sport - due to his concentration, he was quick to pick up more technical sports such as tennis and cricket. Also provides a change from academic work. He's been lucky to be at schools that stretched him but he enjoyed doing more challenging maths at home and developing his creative writing skills.

My older son does well at school too but is so much easier to parent! My younger son more of a rollercoaster and can be very demanding/exhausting. Good luck!

Interested in this thread?

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ab21 · 21/05/2021 06:46

@picturesandpickles

Do absolutely nothing, just see how it goes.

One thing I will say having had a child who continued to get high marks - never ever discuss this with parents at school. I used to get approached and asked things, what reading level, how they did in x test etc. I answered 'fine' or 'not sure'. Do not ever get into talking about it, that is very weird IMO.

A boy in my son's year (prep school, not secondary) always waited for him outside the class when exam results were given out to ask him what he got. It transpires his parents paid him x amount in cash per exam if he got a higher mark than his son. I understand it being useful to know the class average to give context to marks but this seemed a step too far.
nancywhitehead · 21/05/2021 06:51

I think the hardest thing will be to recognise that you don't have to "do" anything, other than what you're already doing - read with her, play with her, encourage her interests.

Parents of bright children are often tempted to push them too much, enrolling them in a million extra-curriculur things and placing all kinds of expectations on them. Let your child take the lead and don't pressure her or push her more than you would with any other child.

As a PP said, definitely don't skip her a year once she gets to school, because she will miss out on all of the personal and social development.

She sounds lovely :) Enjoy being her parent!

INeedNewShoes · 21/05/2021 07:16

My DD has just turned 4 and has been similarly obviously bright for a couple of years.

I'm actually wary of it. I was a bright child, could do sums and read properly by the time i started school. For me it meant that i didn't have to make any effort at school for the first few years. Then at around 13 when I encountered a subject or two that didn't come easily I didn't know how to navigate this. Everything had been given to me on a plate but suddenly I needed other skills like perseverance which I hadn't had to practise before.

I'm trying to deliberately find some things DD finds difficult so that she gets used to the feeling of not just being able to do something straight away and can apply the skills needed to cope with being challenged.

Re learning an instrument at 2, that's a no from me but general musicianship classes that are fun and focus on rhythm could be good.

OrangeSamphire · 21/05/2021 07:33

Give her a rich variety of opportunities and let her direct you.

Encourage her to be confident in who she is. Because she will likely be aware she is different from the masses as she grows. And this is OK! Difference is good!

Really disheartening to read the posts here that essentially say ‘do nothing and encourage her to be like everyone else’.

Ps... school might be difficult. Because the school system (state AND the majority of private) is not designed to accommodate difference. It just isn’t. I’ve ended up having to take my eldest out of school entirely and she is home ed now. Flying through stuff at her pace. And happy. School crushed her. And the other (jealous) parents were tricky too.

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 21/05/2021 07:34

I think @FrozenVag has hit the nail on the head - let her enjoy her talents, but concentrate on filling the gaps. Teach her to be happy, rounded and to practice self-care. You sound like you are doing a fabulous job!

FrozenVag · 21/05/2021 07:36

@Fishandhips

Save for private school as state school will not adequately support and push her.
Oh and this too

I had to move my children to a private one because the gifted child used to be in tears of boredom (he was reading Diary of a wimpy kid while they were sounding out diphthongs so a big difference)

Not supported at all
Obviously they had to focus on kids who were struggling
Insufficient resources completely

MsTSwift · 21/05/2021 07:43

Maybe at primary but we are finding state secondary (all girl top in county) extremely pushy my god my dds gcse English is more like my English A level!

SignOnTheWindow · 21/05/2021 07:55

Just keep reading and talking to her. Lots of books, both fiction and non fiction. Talk about what you see. Don't call them clever all the time, but praise the effort instead. It's easy to turn bright kids into anxious perfectionists!

My kids were both marked out as 'gifted' by their schools. DD2 was writing full sentences by 3, and was put up a year at school. It was the right thing to do at the time and it worked through the primary years. We then took both out to home educate for a while and now DD2 has gone back to her proper age group for secondary, which is better for her now everyone is hitting puberty. DD1 is still home educated as that suits her better.

Chelyanne · 21/05/2021 08:18

Just do the usual learning through play, they are not young for long.
We have a highly intelligent one in the mix of a bright bunch but we are also waiting on an asd assessment for him. At school they will not advance him and have said they are required to stick to the curriculum, they do give him extra volume to keep him occupied as he will act up if he gets bored (I always make him apologise for any bad behaviour because it's not acceptable imo). I am quite strict with him and expect him to take part in all areas of school despite his little quirks, annoys me if the teachers say they've given him something else to do instead.

ResIpsaLoquiturInterAlia · 21/05/2021 08:19

This is a thread I read with great interest as it relates to myself as a child along with my siblings. Indeed all of us are naturally rather academically able (usual “difficult” to enter top universities and technical vocational subjects, advanced degrees etc) as well as all rounded in social development, select sporting ability and some artistic talent. My child is and has been ahead for some years and was recognised by teachers as being advanced and different to the class. One issue I do want to share is that at times most schools never push more advanced children with deep enough challenging learning as the emphasis is more likely to push those that are requiring extra help at the less academically able end. This is an issue which I believe needs addressing but tends to be sensitive and not fitting in a society obsessed with “privilege” and inequality and not appreciative of true diversity as none of us are identical robots but each unique and all with some special talent, be it academic or other skills and qualities. However from my experience as a parent of a relatively advanced child there are political class issues with other parents from appreciation and respect to resentment and a tricky competitive challenge and then antagonistic behaviour and singling out along lines of intellectual elitism etc. It is fine being average or oh little Jack is not so great at mathematics but when Jill is already up the hill and back and Jack still at the foothills it can be tricky to retain a status quo with other class parents and their political nonsense behind the scenes. In these situations I do believe as much as there are “special” schools there should be “normal” schools for those who happen to be advanced and find the class rate of learning inappropriate to their needs. Tin hat on to be ready for smacks of elitism! As education should be for all, inclusive but appropriate to all abilities so yes not wasting talent when it is truly special as well as helping those with special needs.

Lunificent · 21/05/2021 08:27

When she reaches year 5ish, start investigating independent schools as you could potentially get fee reductions if she performs very well in the entrance exams.
The world is your oyster really as she sounds very open to what she experiences.

RosesAndHellebores · 21/05/2021 08:27

You do what you would do for any child op: feed her, love her, encourage her, facilitate her interests, keep her options open and encourage hard work. I'd chuck in an instrument too.

toffeebutterpopcorn · 21/05/2021 08:32

She’s only little! I was the youngest of loads and was supposedly advanced (could read before I started school at 3). I always assumed it was because the older kids were there and I tried to ‘keep up’ and had access to all their toys and books.

My parents didn’t really do anything at all - and I was horribly and insecure.

Let her play, learn to be confident and curious.

PepperPiglet · 21/05/2021 08:32

I was put a year ahead because I could already read before I started school. I remember reading books quietly by myself at twice the pace while the class read slowly sentence by sentence. It didn’t hold me back socially, although I had a friend who’d done the same and she dressed/looked noticeably younger. I ended up going to a bilingual school which really suited me and I now speak two languages fluently.
In the end, it was poverty that held me back. My home life was chaotic and I didn’t get any support at uni or as a young adult, and ended up in a rubbish non-degree job to support my family who were very poor.
I’ve now had a second start and am finally going where I want to, professional degree, industry awards etc.
Basically, don’t just think about school - your daughter can do any job she wants but she’ll need support and healthy aspirations. I agree with the other posters who said to encourage her to keep trying even when something doesn’t come easy and she’s not used to it! And put some money aside for activities / university should she want to go. If she doesn’t, it’ll be handy for something else! Just wish my parents had been able to do that for me when I was younger instead of me struggling to get anywhere.

LadyCatStark · 21/05/2021 08:33

You’ve got to love a MN gifted and talented thread. Everyone piling on to tell you how not advanced your child is and how advanced theirs is. Of course she’s advanced compared to a typical 2 year old! You don’t need to do anything special though just indulge her interests and provide lots of books, toys and talk to her all of the time.

toffeebutterpopcorn · 21/05/2021 08:36

I think if you h

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/05/2021 08:36

@Oblomov21

I'm surprised op doesn't know that just because a child is bright and ahead as a toddler this means nothing. How bright a child is peaks and troughs throughout schooling.

It's a bit like being particularly beautiful. Stunning child models often aren't that beautiful in later life. It's the ugly ducklings, or the bog standard normal ones that you've never noticed that suddenly bloom late abc become stunning.

Likewise rarely do bright toddlers remain bright. Occasionally they do. But often it's the nerdy child that you don't notice much throughout school, who when they get to A'level and Uni stage it becomes obvious that this child is exceptionally bright.

Calm down OP. Go with it and just enjoy.

Most child models become beautiful adults, that’s why most actors (who didn’t discover the craft older) have a history of child modelling via ads etc. The ‘Ugly duckling’ concept only applies to specific areas of fashion and acting where agents aren’t looking for beauty but uniqueness; and in most of these cases the kids weren’t ugly at all the actor is just playing it up
toffeebutterpopcorn · 21/05/2021 08:37

Sorry - I think of you have a number of children you can see the differences in how they are learning and developing.

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/05/2021 08:45

@LadyCatStark

You’ve got to love a MN gifted and talented thread. Everyone piling on to tell you how not advanced your child is and how advanced theirs is. Of course she’s advanced compared to a typical 2 year old! You don’t need to do anything special though just indulge her interests and provide lots of books, toys and talk to her all of the time.
Depends what you’re used to. It’s common for babies living in the extended Indian families I grew up in to talk in full sentances in 2-3 languages between 1-2, perform basic calculations, and be potty trained, and start cooking or helping with ironing / chores from 5-7. That doesn’t make them more advanced just that every family values different things.

I should also point out that G&T programmes at schools rarely take a child who is only good at one thing. So even if someone is well advanced in reading they might be overlooked if their maths or verbal communication skills are not quite up to peer level.

PepperPiglet · 21/05/2021 08:50

They sound like pretty advanced children to me Hmm

OhYouBadBadKitten · 21/05/2021 09:10

These threads are always interesting - there is no set recipe for raising any child. never mind a gifted one.

Having raised a gifted mathematician, who is now at university there are things we made the right choices in and things we didn't.

We did give her lots and lots of opportunities - let her join all sorts of clubs at school, some worked well, others definitely weren't for her. We took her to the library, museums, the theatre, encouraged sport and musical instruments. (Reading back, I think she had a very privileged childhood). We did everything we could to keep her 'well rounded'.

Primary school wasn't great. It was good socially in some ways, but she had some terrible teachers who made a profound and lasting impact on her confidence. I really really wish we had found a different school or homeschooled her. If it's not working - have the courage to make a different choice.

Her comprehensive secondary school was really good though. There were some hiccups, but they were flexible, encouraged her music, allowed her to fly with maths.

I also wish that I had, from a young age modeled making mistakes to her and showing her, it's all right not to be perfect at everything - that doing things for fun, even if you are rubbish at them was ok. Words are one thing, but demonstrating it is more powerful.

Anyway, she's happy now. And that's the most important thing.

LilaButterfly · 21/05/2021 09:30

DS was like this. Not super brilliant, but definitely advanced. We did absolutely nothing.
hes in year 1 now and i dont find him too far ahead of his peers. he does get extra work in math, and for reading and spelling we are teaching him in 3 languages (mine, DHs and english). The teacher advised not to jump ahead a class because of the social aspect.

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