Starting Again

[jamast]

THIS IS A LONG ONE .... HOPE SOMEONE'S GOT SOME TIME TO KILL!!!! This is not a whinge, just building a picture of what;s happening around me. I've recently 'started again' with a toddler to care for. He's actually my grandson - now aged just over 21 months (I think I'm a young grandma at 41). He (let's call him 'J') has been with us from being 5 months old after being placed with us by the social services and we now have a full residency order, which means that he's with us until he's 18.My youngest is 15 and I'd totally switched off from the idea of having another child. The baby's gorgeous and whilst I am more confident and capable with him than I ever was with my own children, I feel totally out of it when it comes to meeting other 'mum's'.After my youngest started school, I went to college & uni, got my degree and postgrad qualifications and worked bloody hard to get a brilliant, extremely well paid job that I loved. The job had to go as 'J' needed full time care to get him back to full health and the court case was very long and drawn out. I've gone from being very active (professionally and personally) to being stuck in the house playing with a toddler. There are no carer and toddler groups or women's groups anywhere accessible. I have no family. After working full time for so long - I've only just got to know my neighbours (after years of just passing and saying hello) - they are great, but have no children, they work and they are younger than me, I fact I was getting on great with one in particular - but felt deflated when she asked my daughter to go to a club with her (not that I'm into clubs - but it would have been nice to be asked - talk about how to make someone feel old). Everyone else that I see with young children are around the same age as my daughters (early 20's)and all look at me as if I'm some sort of leper. I crave adult conversation, but find it really difficult do the "Oooooh my little Davey weighed 15lbs...or ... isn't our Megan absolutely gorgous?" stuff. I've spent ten years talking about things like existentialism, radical feminism, modernism, post modernism, poststructuralism, and reflexivity!!! how the *&^" do I get back into normal conversation mode?
Someone speak to me, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

Jamast , well done you, brave and selfless must be you middle names, I hope some one is in your area that reads this, you can talk on here at anytime, someone is sure to be able to help and talk normally about babies, what area are you in?

Hi honey, where are you? Bloody hell, you're young - I'm your age, and my two are three and 16 months! It sounds tough. It will get better, if you work out some strategies, and MN is a good start.

If it helps somebody I know has just had their first baby at 40 - so you are not alone probably. I think that you will never get away from that 'baby talk' when in the presence of a baby. My mum takes my ds out and gets it as much as I do - so you would probably have got it even if you werent raising him.
I find it hard not getting intellectual conversation and I am 29 - so can imagine how you feel!!

You could use forums like this to get some adult conversation. Or perhaps do another course? (I know that you are already qualified but could do something else?)

Good god - that's scary. Thanks 'Mothernature' for the comments but I'm neither brave nor selfless, actually feeling a little wimpish and whiney now I've just re-read my message. I don't regret what I've given up for one minute, especially when J is hanging off my leg singing teletubbies and twinkle twinkle little star - in between kisses & cuddles - as he is at the moment. What do you mean by area (Town or county, or what?) - how much detail are we actually allowed to put on here?

Just thought if you put an 'area' in then we would know if we were close or not, we would be able to guide you to local groups etc, you can put on as much or as little as you feel comfortable with regarding info, see 'member profiles'

I'm amazed by the quick responses - gonna have to stop for a minute, guy here to fix washing machine.

U can give as much detail as u like about w here u live, although I wouldnt go below town myself. There must be some parent-toddler groups you could go to. Nannies & grannies can go to them, too.
My ex-boss, his wife had three boys after the age of 40.

There are lots of us old codgers about jamast, like MI I'm your age and looking after my own (still working f/t though).
You can put as much or as little on here about where you live, MI and I are SE London for example.
Welcome to Mumsnet, you sound like a wonderful mother and grandmother to do this for the little fellow.

Just want to say that I would not consider you old or unusual in being 41 with a 21 month old. I have 3 children (8,6 and 22 months) and with my third have definitely not wanted to do the "my DS now does such and such" and would much prefer (actually crave) adult and stimulating conversations. You will find many more on MN who feel the same.
I don't do toddler groups with no. 3 but do a music group (lots going on and no time to chat). Haven't yet met anyone to share my thoughts with though. Do you not keep in contact with your friends colleagues from before you had J?
If you just want to meet up with people perhaps you could try a sports centre with a creche? At least you'd have getting fit in common and it would be a starting point for normal conversation over a coffee afterwards.
Sorry this is disjointed - DS keeps going quiet which usually means trouble. Must dash but take comfort from the fact that there are plenty of us mothers who will talk about plenty of stuff both on MN and in RL.

Hi to everyone. Thanks for the warm welcome. Washing machine fixed now - very embarrasing. It had sprung a leak, so naturally I called out the engineer. Great guy, had a cuppa and a good natter (does anyone else find that total strangers often share their [sometimes traumatic]life-stories over a cuppa, or is it just me?). Turns out, that whilst I'm good at listening to people, I am in fact CRAP at this housewifey thing. The 'leak' was due to dirt around the seal on the door. Always thought that my house was spotless - used to be quite anal about it when my kids were small. Anyway the guy not only cleaned the door seal, but the whole machine. My excuse is that it's obviously a build up of dust caused by having wooden floors throughout the house (Yeah right.

Forgot to say - I live in Rotherham (Quite close to Sheffield in South Yorkshire for those who don't know it).

Think there's a Sheffield meetup lot. Not saying that would solve everything for you, but it would be a route to get to meet other women with kids, wouldn't it.

Where, when, who, how?

cant you do soemthing part time adn he goes to nursery? I have done arange of voluntaryu things that are very interesting.

deos his mum ever see him?

Check out the 'meetups' section, and/or start your own thread. Honestly.

Is returning to part-time work an option which you would like and/or be feasible?

Jamast
There are three meet ups soon.
Next one is mums only at the Spa in centre of Sheffield - £15 for three hours, next Thurs (11th)6.30pm. (Been booked for a while but might be able to squeeze another one in?)
After that, beginning of December evening meet up for South and West Yorkshire mums near M1/M62 junction.
Last meet up is for children (too!) in Harrogate - 5th of December but time not arranged yet.
Go to topics and hunt under meet ups - I'm rubbish at doing links - and put a message on any you're interested in.
Also, some of Sheffielders meet up during the day sometimes - keep an eye out for next one maybe?
BTW I'm a 37 yr old mum of two (aged 3 and 1), live in Sheffield and work part time. Fraid my brain's not going to be up to existentialism (unless you take it very slowly for me) but would love to meet.

Hi mother inferior & codswallop (love the names)-Tried to work part-time (two days a week), had to finish last month due to nursery fees rising to more than I actually earned.

yeah, his mum does see him. Not as often as I wished she would. She can come when she wants, but often only spends about four to five hours a week with him. Even during that time- his dad constantly texts or telephones her until she leaves to go home. J's actually supposed to see his dad every Sunday (when he can be bothered to turn up). Even though J's injuries pointed to his dad - the court has decided that enither can be alone with J. So any contact is supervised. If she had left his dad in the first place - J wouldn't have been taken from her.

Jamiesam - don't worry, I may have talked about existentialism, but did't say that I couod understand it. I'm a bit stuck for evenings - practically impossible to get out - no sitter & no family. Hubby working daft shifts at the moment (and for the past 6 months) and the earliest he's ever home is 8 at night.

Codswallop - I am trying to do my bit. Currently Vice-chair of Home-Start Rotherham management committee. Struggling to as much as I'd like for them, but trying all the same.

You'll know this already, of course, but Rotherham is at least a bit of a beacon as far as social care is concerned.

Also, are your younger children babysitting potential?

Not sure if you're being sarcastic about Rotherham being a beacon of social care. As someone who has worked with women's groups and parents for over 18 years my experience is the total opposite of yours. There is literally nothing available. What does exist has major waiting lists. And as far as other children babysitting ... of the two who live at home, the eldest is 24 and as a restaurant manager, works even worse shifts than my husband. Although the other one fantastic with J - he is 15 and male. As well as the residency order for J - we have a supervision order which lasts until the end of June next year, until then we can't leave J with anyone who hasn't been vetted by the social services and definately not with a 15 year old.
This is mainly because J's dad lives very close and has threatened to 'do a runner' with J the first chance he gets.

jamast, the situation with J's parents sounds very hard for you, especially with his father. How do you cope with allowing this person into your home, or is contact only allowed in a mediated environment? I cannot get over how lucky little J is to have you in his life.

The contact was supervised by social workers at one of their venues for the first 14 months, but since the final court day, we have the pleasure of entertaining his father. It's not too bad. Although, I'm never quite sure how I stop myself from throttling him and do actually treat him like I would anyone else who visits my home - this is for J's benefit, not his dad's. It wouldn't be fair for J to be caught in the middle of any hassle and he does actually love his dad - gets so exited whenever he does turn up.We're planning on moving to Cornwall next summer - then we don't have to put up with him. Unfortunately, this means that he'll not see his mum either - but I've reached the point where I think ... she's made her choice and as she begrudges spending any time with J, I honestly feel that he will be better off.