Starting Again

[jamast]

THIS IS A LONG ONE .... HOPE SOMEONE'S GOT SOME TIME TO KILL!!!! This is not a whinge, just building a picture of what;s happening around me. I've recently 'started again' with a toddler to care for. He's actually my grandson - now aged just over 21 months (I think I'm a young grandma at 41). He (let's call him 'J') has been with us from being 5 months old after being placed with us by the social services and we now have a full residency order, which means that he's with us until he's 18.My youngest is 15 and I'd totally switched off from the idea of having another child. The baby's gorgeous and whilst I am more confident and capable with him than I ever was with my own children, I feel totally out of it when it comes to meeting other 'mum's'.After my youngest started school, I went to college & uni, got my degree and postgrad qualifications and worked bloody hard to get a brilliant, extremely well paid job that I loved. The job had to go as 'J' needed full time care to get him back to full health and the court case was very long and drawn out. I've gone from being very active (professionally and personally) to being stuck in the house playing with a toddler. There are no carer and toddler groups or women's groups anywhere accessible. I have no family. After working full time for so long - I've only just got to know my neighbours (after years of just passing and saying hello) - they are great, but have no children, they work and they are younger than me, I fact I was getting on great with one in particular - but felt deflated when she asked my daughter to go to a club with her (not that I'm into clubs - but it would have been nice to be asked - talk about how to make someone feel old). Everyone else that I see with young children are around the same age as my daughters (early 20's)and all look at me as if I'm some sort of leper. I crave adult conversation, but find it really difficult do the "Oooooh my little Davey weighed 15lbs...or ... isn't our Megan absolutely gorgous?" stuff. I've spent ten years talking about things like existentialism, radical feminism, modernism, post modernism, poststructuralism, and reflexivity!!! how the *&^" do I get back into normal conversation mode?
Someone speak to me, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

poor J- glad he's got you and you'll be glad you found mumsnet... welcome

Thanks pixiefish. It's been nice to 'unload'.

hi jamast,

it sounds very hard all round.

I also spend a lot of time talking about radical feminism, poststructuralism and reflexivity, though admittedly not when I go to toddler groups! you'll find lots of mumsnetters love to witter away endlessly.

Hi Fennel - what do you do?
Must admit, it's great to have a normal, (non academic) conversation

Jamast you soudn a really dedicated individual

Echo what MI says - I'm your age and have a nearly 2 and nearly 4 r old. I'm sure things will get easier. People always 'see' what they're not themsleves IFSWIM - younger mums when you're older or pregant women when you're trying....I'm sure there must be an element of this, not all the mums near you can be young, there's loads of us fogies in my area!

Hi Jamast -nice to meet you

Just a thought and please don't let me get shot down in flames for the suggestion but would a return to work (perhaps part time) be possible for you? Would your dgs(?) be allowed to go to a fully approved childminder or nursery in this case? It sounds like you really miss your job and perhaps you might find a break from being a 'housewife'a couple of times a week beneficial to you both. Just a thought- not a diatribe against SAHMs (stay at home mums)

Agree you are very, very young - same age as me too! I have a 13year old stepdaughter, a three year old son and am expecting my daughter at the beginning of February. I never feel old or out of place with other mothers, maybe I'm deluded - or maybe it's because I live in a part of SE London where mothers are either 14 or 35 plus!
You can debate all sorts on Mumsnet. Politics, religion, philosophy, feminism...sometimes rather, um, heatedly .

Jamast, I'm obviously talking bllocks, then. I know Rotherham has decent provision for learning disabilities in particular, and I thought* it was one of the areas doing pretty good stuff for under-fives too, but I'm obviously out of touch these days. Sorry. Apologies.

Jamast, here is a list of a few M+toddler groups near(ish?) to you.

My cousin has just taken custody of her 5yo grandchild by her (drug addict) daughter (J.). J. was still breastfeeding her youngest, a little girl of 11 months, who has been taken away by her dad. Really breaks my cousin's heart. Is your situation anything like that?

Oh, and the neighbour is in a similar-ish situation with her grandson, too. Maybe it's more common than you realise.

hi Jamast

I'm an academic in a feminist-dominated psychology department (in Manchester) which is a bit of a hotbed of reflexivity, subjectivity etc. But I have 3 under 5's so I don't actually spend as much time as I used to discussing those things.

I would have thought, as others have said here, you'd be best off trying to return to work sometime, at least part time. maybe in a few months when things are settled down more?

Thanks to everyone for your helpful comments. Apologies for not replying to those of you from yesterday - feeding J etc and then getting him to bed.
Also would like to say sorry if I offended Motherinferior - didn't intend to.
Thanks to Zebra for the info from Childrens information service. Our situation came about because J's dad is a complete D*head. He put the baby in hospital at 5 months old - his face covered in bruises and with a suspected chest fracture. I say 'suspected' because, as J was very tiny (at five months old he was still in new born clothes-his dad wouldn't allow him to be fed in the night-he believed that he was too old and should be sleeping through, so J wasn't growing), there was some sort of anomaly on his x-rays, but he was too small to be sure what it was, the paediatrician says it was most likely a chest fracture. Anyway, that's all in the past now, J is extremely well and just about caught up on his height, etc. He's so amusing and such a pleasant child, if mine had been so nice, I'd have probably had more (aaarrrggghh - scary thought). He's omputer mad though - so I have to fit everything in around his nap or bed time - unless his mum's here to watch him.
Fennel - god I'm soooo jealous, must be brilliant. Beleive me, I do know the stress and pressure of academia. What do you actually do? My degree's in Women's Studies, and I was in the middle a PhD in Sociology and Social Policy when all this really kicked off. But time commitments with court, hospital, assessments, solicitors appointments and social services, etc, etc meant that I had to give it up. That's the only thing that I regret, but I have every intention of returning and doing a PhD in the future. I've recently signed up to do another degree - on a distance learning basis and a LeTTOL course (learning to teach online) - both something to do and 'keeps my hand in' so to speak. What I would really, really, love to do - if I could do whatever I wanted, and if money wasn't an issues ... would be a PhD in Feminist Psychology ...god I'd be ecstatic!!! - Something to look forward to in the future eh?

Just like to apologise to everyone for my appalling spelling - keyboard dyslexia. Brain works quicker than fingers, and I've never been able to edit my own work.

Crikey Jamast - I take my hat off to you for being so pragmatic about your situation. So glad that J. has a happy future with you ahead of him. And desperately jealous of move to Cornwall too.
It must be hard, no matter how rewarding your gs is, to "do" the mothering thing, then spend time getting yourself where you want to be, only to then go back to nappies and sing-a-longs. I'm afraid I have no real suggestions, only to say that hopefully the distance learning will keep your hand in and that you probably know, better than me, that babyhood passes quickly (I have dd 15 months, am 30), and he'll be at school before you know it. And then you'll be able to start reclaiming your life with the bonus of a fab relationship with your gs. And in Cornwall. I hope that once my children grow up I'll still have enough functioning brain cells to do what you've done and re-visit studenthood (only I'll do it better this time ).

hi again

what I actually "do" in between woffling on mumsnet and having more babies than is acceptable in academic circles is research which fits basically in between feminist psychology, sociology and social policy. Maybe we know some of the same people? I currently manage a cross-national research project which looks at gender and parenthood in 8 countries. maybe you can CAT me (contact a talker, see top of the page) if you want more details.

Not offended in slightest.

Am tempted btw to start a 'The other F-word - what feminism has done for us' thread.

Hi Pooka - if you're planning on returning to education in the future, I can only say DO IT!!
I left school with no qualifications whatsoever - not a sausage. Didn't even sit any exams. Three kids later, I decided when my youngest was almost 4, that I wanted to do my Maths & English GSCE's (Have to say that I hate Maths). Went back to college in 1993 at 29, one month before I turned 30, and got hooked. Did an access course and a couple of GCSE's, a foundation years in Women into Engineering(don't ask) and my Women's Studies degree and a basic teaching community based qualification during the final degree year). Had a year out, started teaching Women's Studies at my local college (did my PGCE during this time) followed by a postgrad certificate in Youth & Community Work (been a youth & Community Worker since 1986). Was lucky enough to secure a PhD studentship in 2002 then in 2003 - all hell broke loose, the job had to go, as did the PhD. But I do feel that I'm getting back into things with the distance learning stuff.
As for Cornwall - we've been planning the move for the past six or seven years. I know that sounds like a long time, but we were planning to move next year when my son finishes his GCSE's. Then the situation with J arose and there's a chance that my husband might be able to get his redundancy money next May - so we've talked about it until we're actually sick of hearing ourselves and we can't see any reason why we shouldn't bring the move forward 12 months to next year. I'm gonna start job hunting in January, the hose is going on the market at the end of February and If I get something I'll be going first (with my son and J) and I have this amazing friend who's willing to give up her home and job to come with us as a live-in nanny until my husband follows us down in June/July after finishing work. I did struggle a little at first with the idea of taking J away from his parents (mum more than dad), but then I decided that she has made her decision and J needs some definate stability, especially in prep for his later years when he starts asking questions as to why he lives with Grandma and Grandad. Anyway can't wait for the move, although it is getting quite scary as it gets closer.

Motherinferior (BTW where did the name come from)
love the idea of the 'F' word thread, and actually know another couple of women who'd join mums net just for that.

I miss the THINKING me sometimes. Problem is, while I LOVE my job and took a post-grad course in order to progress, it isn't really mentally taxing. I'm a town planner, having taken an English/Film studies first degree. The job is really interesting, but no real opportunities for deep "intellectual" thought. Practical rather than theoretical. My plans are to return to work full-time when children (note the plural, though only have 1 ATM) are older, or to continue part-time while taking another part-time course in...I don't know what? Maybe job related but conservation and historical side. Maybe something completely unrelated, but just for me. Love dd to distraction, love the work-home balance (2 day working weeks). But know that this is only a phase in my life and that there has to be more out there for me in the future! Good luck with the move to Cornwall. Fantastic place. Oh and there's a feminism thread now, I see.

jamast, I take my hat off to you. I think your Cornwall plans make perfect sense. Dh and I are planning on moving from London to Devon in a couple of years time (we have both changed our careers to give us transferrable skills). We too will face that house-selling and job hunting challenge.

I am an older mum, (46 years, children of 10 and 5) and work full time (communication/events officer for local council). Will J go to nursery in a year or so? In our area, the free nursery voucher scheme kicks in when children are 3 years old. I assume it's the same in Rotherham In just over a year, you'll have that free time again, for work or study. I know it's not now, but it is in the forseeable future.

Hope to see you around on mumsnet. The debates get very deep at times - and heated - so keep checking!

Yeah, I think the voucher scheme is the same nationally. So J will just about be old enough when we move. I know it will all work out in the end and I think I just needed to unload. have felt pretty positive over the past couple of days and can now actuallt see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Know what you mean by transferable skills.Over the past few years I have built up such a diverse range of skills, qualifications and experience, and I pick and choose accordingly when completing applications, etc.