How do you persuade your 8/9yo to do things?

[howisyourcat]

There are a certain number of things that DD (nearly 9) has to do every week. Nothing out of the ordinary, things like homework, tidying room, music practice or a paid for activity which she wanted to be signed up for.

I am not sure how to get her to do them without a battle.

Me: DD, time for your homework
DD (wails): why do I have to do homework all the time etc etc it's not fair etc
Me: some variation of come on now / you're too old for this behaviour / just sit down as do it and then it'll be done etc
DD: more complaining

With homework I can say in the end, ok, don't do it, explain to your teacher why you haven't and she always ends up doing it. But with other things I am usually having to resort to no screen time until the thing is done, and it is then usually eventually done with lots of huffing and puffing and wasting time. It's a bit draining!

Are there any more positive ways to do this? I do do the occasional reward chart but that wears off quite quickly and she's not massively interested in stickers or mini toys etc anymore!

If all you're getting is huffing and puffing you might think yourself lucky. I don't mean to be dismissive...but many parents get much, much worse. 8-9 is still young. They will mature.

Hi we are having similar issues with homework/reading etc. I’ve found a routine helps so for example every Saturday after swimming ds will come home have a shower and a snack and then be expected to do homework. That seems to work.

It doesn’t always work during the week though as he will give any number of excuses, or sneak away from the table while I’m occupied with other siblings and hope I’ll forget (sometimes I do!).

Also, we try would you like to do X after dinner? (Eg video game or whatever they want to do), then say ok, well let’s make sure we do your homework for 20 mins before we have dinner that way there will be lots of time for whatever the fun activity was. Yes it’s bribery, but what else can you do?

No screen time until all jobs are done works fine for me. I don’t get into arguments about it though, it’s just the same rule every day.

“Ok I won’t remind you again but if you don’t do it by x time you won’t be getting your iPad for the rest of the week” usually does it for me!

We have a jar and marbles. They get a marble for each job they do round the house, doing homework etc and when it's full they get a day out of their choice or cash to buy something they want. Works really well for us

Our 9 year old likes to fight me on everything too. She was off school last week due to bubble closure, her motivation to do her work was being able to go on roblox as soon as it was done. Limiting the activities they love until they get stuff done seems the only thing that works.

You have described my life right now! Almost everything is a battle. We have had a lot of conflicts and meltdowns (adults and child) over the past year, lockdown also seemed to make everything harder. I will watch this thread for advice.
I don't feel remotely qualified to give any advice, but I will say that we have some success with screen-time being dependent on getting the things done that need doing. No screen-time before that. As PP said above, it's kind of like bribery, but what else can you do, it is our only leverage! We have had to ban the screens for a week a couple of times, hopefully we're making progress.
A schedule is also good - we have our morning schedule written out and stuck on the fridge, for example.
Good luck OP, it's tough and - I find - soul destroying. We're trying to work on our communication, anger management, staying calm, etc (adults and child lol).

Don’t enter into a conversation about it. You need to do your homework. If you do it before X you can do/have [reward]. If it’s not done by Y then the consequence will be [punishment].
Then walk away.

Just make sure you actually follow through and are consistent: overly positive reaction if she does it by X, positive/neutral reaction if it’s done after X, negative reaction if it’s not done by Y.

The first few time’s might be tough but stick with it.

It's not perfect but we've found things easier with ours if we say, "let me know what time you will be doing X, Y and Z this evening. Tea will be at Xpm." There's an already agreed finish time by which point everything has to be done but after a while, it becomes habit for them to plan their own time slots so we now get, "I'm going to get changed and watch X programme until Xpm then I'm going to do music practice at Xpm". Even if there's drama, we've not had to nag.

You have my sympathies, we have exactly the same with our nearly nine year old.

Homework. I accept that he doesn’t want to do it when he comes in from school. They play and watch TV when they get home and homework is done after dinner. If it’s not done (or not done well) he can have the conversation with his teacher. It’s been sent back to re-do before but I don’t stress.

Tidying room. We have a routine that I read them a chapter of their book before bed but I only read it once they’ve tidied their room. If they’re reluctant I help and between the three of us (the boys share a room) it takes five minutes. Usually they do it while I catch up with work so don’t often need to input but sometimes they bicker about who made the mess. Sigh.

Activities. Usually they understand that once they’ve signed up they have to go. If anyone makes a fuss about going I won’t sign them up next term. If they are just not in the mood that day, they can opt out but the cost comes out of their pocket money. That usually focuses the mind

Not necessarily a more positive way but normally I say if you want to waste time moaning now then you will have less time afterwards for tv/iPad/games etc.

Normally I'd then leave the room and tell them to come and find me once they've finished wasting their TV time. After 5 to 10 minutes they'll come to do homework. Occasionally if they take longer make it very clear that they now don't have time for TV as a consequence.

Don't give an inch

I ask my ds to do his homework, he moans, I say no supper until homework is done, he tells me I am completely unreasonable, it's not fair, he hates his life. Then he does his homework, we have supper, he plays a bit of Minecraft then I tell him 'time for bed', he tells me I'm unreasonable, it's not fair.......

Everyday. I don't even think about it any more. Don't take any notice. It's like the chorus line in our house

Yep same here OP.

We have a routine of homework pretty much as soon as they come in from school run, which helps. It means I’m not trying to stop them half way through a fun activity to make them do homework, as they do hw before starting anything fun. And yes no screen until hw is done.

Tidying is still a source of much conflict though and again I use the no screen time until it’s done threat.

We have tried marble/pasta jars in the past. Tbh I find the DC respond well to it for a couple of days and then the novelty wears off (as the prize is too far off). And then we start forgetting to do it... Maybe should try that again but a smaller jar/prize.

Blimey. I don't mean this to sound judgmental, but I tell my 9 yo to do stuff and she does it. She'll occasionally grumble, and I'll normally respond with something like "yep, I know, but it's got to be done", or "the sooner you start the sooner you'll be finished", and she gets on with it.

I'm sure there'll come a point when she'll start questioning my authority, but I'm genuinely a bit surprised that so many 9 yo aren't doing as they're told. Maybe mine's just exceptionally biddable!

Thank you. I'm very impressed with the more biddable children on this thread, and good in some ways that some are in the same boat. I do think there's an element of personality going on here. I have another DC one year younger who (for now!) is very compliant... which actually doesn't help the dynamic particularly.

I do agree with a PP who suggested routine, I think part of the problem now is that we collectively remember something homework related needs to be done at unpredictable times, when DD has in mind to do something else so it comes as an unpleasant surprise..

Sorry, in hindsight my comment wasn't at all helpful! I suppose we do have a fairly fixed routine which probably helps.

Good luck with it OP.

I agree regarding the routine. Every time we deviate slightly from it my 9yo gets more resistant to doing tasks. We have a google mesh which lets me turn off the internet to his devices at the push of a button (no need to unplug or take anything away). He will usually comply once he sees me pulling out my phone to open the app.

I should add mine's 12 now so developing teenage tendencies, but we've been having the same convo for years.

I have 2 x 9 year olds so count yourself lucky it’s only one you are dealing with 🤣 They are a nightmare at the moment. Hate homework. Hate any jobs. Hate practice of any kind. Get stuff out and then there is a big row about tidying it away.
I also say no screens until x is fine. We have a routine and it’s the same pretty much every week for homework and practice but that just makes them come out of school in a huge grump on homework / practice days.
You have my sympathy!

Mine aren't very biddable but they fucking LOVE screens

I normally go with “I’m asking you to do so your homework now. I’m not going to ask you again, this is your chance. If you don’t do it, I’ll just send in a note saying you refused to do it. Perhaps you’re a little too babyish for homework still”. She always does it.
Tidying room: tidy your room NOW or no sweets on Friday (always works for mine).
Activity: ask her properly - do you like it? Do you want to be good at it? If you want to get good you need to go, EVEN when you can’t be bothered, thats the way the world works. If you don’t want to go, then you can quit after this term. If you won’t go this term at all, you can pay me back from birthday/pocket money/in chores until the cost is paid back.

You can either do an earned privilege / punishment type model, that works fine at that age and is good for them to understand that some things in life are conditional on doing something you'd perhaps rather not do.

The other approach is problem solving, where you try to come to a mutually acceptable solution. I don't think 8 is too young to work on this. There's a framework in the book how to talk so kids will listen, if you already have that, but there's a much more detailed and effective (IME) one in the book Raising Human Beings by Ross greene.

Routine but also don’t expect your child to do something immediately just because it’s popped into your head. Absolute recipe for disaster.

So we’ve tried to stick to things being the same time every week - and it does reduce arguments hugely! Even though it doesn’t always suit me 😂

Routine.
You can watch telly, play, use kindle or play out in the morning if you have packed your bag, including (whatever they need) and are fully dressed, teeth cleaned and in full uniform except shoes and coat. On non-breakfast club days the violinist needs to also have done practice. On alternate Fridays (I remind them) they also need to have stripped their beds and put the washing machine on. If they ask if they can watch telly they know I'll ask if these things are done. Or they ask and I say "you aren't wearing a tie, so what do you think? Go and find it!"
I live with morning people! They know that if they meet expectations they get their own way, can play or have tech without any judgement from me. They can tell me what the expectations are. I make lunches, sometimes my 9 year old is asking if I've made them yet as she's all ready but hasn't put her lunchbox in! My 7 year old is harder work but catching on that if he does what he needs to, he gets left alone to play!

Also I try to give a warning. As in, 'it is 5 minutes til we need to go out - I'll be asking you to put your shoes on in 5 minutes". So they know to finish a game and go to the loo. Usually.