Adoption - your thoughts.....

[zephyrcat]

Hi everyone. Have just been watching gmtv and they're doing a big adoption thing and showing lots of children that need adopting etc. I have 2 children, one is nearly 3 the other is 4 months. I have a nagging feeling in my head to have another but really dont want another pregnancy/caesarean etc as the last one was really hard. I would seriously consider adoption as an option. Has anyone done it or been adopted? What are the good and bad points? Is it harder for an adopted child in a family with the parents biological children?

I had thoughts just like yours after my two DS's and was really wanting to do it ... DH was not convinced and said he thought he would find it hard to love an adoptive child as much as his own. Think it would have been different if we had no children and decided to do it. I would definately have wanted to do it if he had agreed. Am now pg with no 3...

I have no experience of this (so who am I to say) but I think that it would be a wonderful thing to do, if you feel you want to. Its heartbreaking to think of all those lonely children out there just needing and wanting a family life.

My brother & SIL live in Canada and they have just started the adoption process, the system is different out there and they have to pay astronimical (sp?) amounts to adopt, in excess of $50,000, its heartbreaking for them and I just wish (as he is a british citizen) that he could come over here and help, but they won't let him

If you can do it and want to do it, go for it [ great admiration icon ]

Yes is National Adoption Week. The press have given us an Essential Guide To Adoption:

WHAT sort of people adopt?

There are many reasons for adoption. Some applicants are infertile and find adoption a very natural thing to do.
Others wish to add to their existing family or want to share the good things in their lives with a less fortunate child.

There are NO set requirements demanding adopters to be in a certain salary bracket, own their own home or have a certain standard of education.
You can apply to adopt if you are able to show you can provide a loving and secure home that will meet the needs of a particular child. Everybody is welcome to apply regardless of ethnic origin, religion, martial status or sexuality.

WHAT are the requirements?
You must be over 21. There is no upper age limit but adoption agencies will take into account the aplicants general health. Full medical reports are always required.

WHO cannot adopt?
People with a criminal conviction for offences against children or who are known to have harmed children. You are alos prohibited if youlive in a household with a person convicted of such an offence. A person convicted of other offences may apply.

HOW long is the process?
On average it takes around eight months. An adoption home study report needs to be done- a lengthy document involving a wide range of sources such as your GP. Generally, the younger the age range you are approved to adopt, the longer you are likely to wait.

For more information on adopting and fostering there is a telephone number and address to contact or visit website www.nationaladoptionweek.org.uk

Thanks for your thoughts - mothernature that's a really big help. I would love to do it in the near future, I think that now we've had our own two it would be so good to help another little one who didn't get the start that our two got. I always thought the rules were quite strict and that we might not be accepted as we're not married, live in a rented house and are far from well off!! My main concern would be how an adopted child would feel growing up in a family where it was the only adopted child. Obviously we would love it as our own but i'm sure if it were me i'd always feel a little 'different'

I want to adopt too, but DH doesn't would love to have a 4-6 year old boy

My brother is adopted - he is now an adult. He was formally adopted by my parents when he was 6 although they fostered him from 2. He never talks about it except sometimes when he's been drinking. He had a lot of behavioural problems as a child and perhaps has never come to terms with things. My mother is wonderful and supports him through everything but my father has found it hard. All in all, I would hope that my brother and mother think it was worthwhile to give him a loving home (rather than the alternative). It is wonderful to be able to provide a loving family for a child and I wish you good luck with your decision.

Oh and as the biological daughter, I have never had any problems and have always thought of him as the brother that he is.

I have to admit i haven't even approached dp on the subject yet. Mieow how about getting him to watch something on the subject - as its adoption week there's bound to be some stuff on. I think my dp will take a lot of convincing.

he wants us to have a baby of our own rather than adopt

but I find babies stressful, and would love a brother for DS and you can't always get a boy, I have two girls already

plus I always have my babies early and you can't be sure if they are going to have disablities then

zephyrcat , perhaps you would be better looking at fostering. At my asda last week they were handing out packson adoption and fostering. I picked up the one on fostering because having 4 we don't want another but I think its a really nice idea to have a child placed with you while they are being found a permanent home and you could help lots of children that way. My cousin adopted a lite boys 18mths this year and he had been with foster parents since 3 months. I expect you would find it hard to have a child placed with you because you have your own family. However at the end of the day they pick a family to suit a child , not a child for a family, so it could work out.

I did think a lot about fostering but i think i would find it too hard to let them go!!
mieow does your dh know how you feel?

yes he does, but as we have one "normal" child he thinks we should be ok if we were to have our own.

mieow - I have no personal experience of adoption but if your dh isn't keen would it really be a good idea?

We definately wouldn't do it until we were 200% certain and informed on everything. It's something I've always wanted to do - I've worked with children since I left school and find it extremely rewarding being able to take care of a child who really needs it. The thing that kick started me thinking about it again was actually dp's best friend - we asked him if he and his wife were going to have children and his reply was 'we want to adopt one day, why do we need to bring a child into the world when there's already so many that need our help' Made me realise it would be an amazing thing to do

I agree it's an amazing thing to do but only if both parents are sure thats what they want. Its not fair on the child to put them in a family where one of the parents isn't sure or would rather have their own child. Especially children who may have already had a really tough start.

Agreed - I haven't brought the subject up yet but just wanted to get some advice and knoledge on it all before going in!

My brother and SIL are adopting 3 children - they cam to live with them just over a year ago. They (my brither and SIL) had to go through a pretty rigorous selection process before being accepted - my brother says there was quite a lot of deep stuff but it saved them from ever havibng to go to relate in future!
Seriously though, I have 2 gorgeous nieces and a gorgeous nephew as a result and to see them all together, there is no doubt that the children's new parents love them as I much I love my DSs....making me cry now so will have to go

I am very interested to know that it is adoption week in the UK as it is something we have thought about a lot. I would love to have another child but feel that at 41 I am pushing my luck a bit too far although I have no real reason for thinking this. My dilemma is I am British and DH is Brazilian and we live in Italy so who do we approach regarding the process. Ideally we would adopt a Brazilian child because I feel they have less chance in life than a British child but of course I would be equallly thrilled to have the chance to adopt a British child. But as we live in Italy can we actually do this? Also, it looks like we may be moving to Switzerland in the not too distant future so I'm really confused.
Sorry Zephyrcat, I seem to have hijacked your thread, I didn't mean to.

Thats no problem albert!! hope you get the info you need. Sounds like you would be best waiting till you get to Switzerland if that's where you plan to be long term? I have no idea tho how it works - I would assume that you adopt from the country you live in? Please correct me if thats wrong!!

Zephyrcat - i woudl suggest that adoption is FAR longer and more stressful than any pregnancy. Also you need to know that the adoption agency would insist on a 2 year age gap between an adopted child and your youngest, who is four months.They may also not be willing to place out of birth order.

You should also know that a "baby" in adoption terms is up to 2 years old. If you want a young child you may need to find an agency willing to place a baby with you when you alreday have 2. Most have a limit of 2 babies IFSWIM.

Its very very hard to adopt a baby here in the UK, unless you are black or mixed race.If you are intesrested in parenting a child with special needs or a sibling group, it would be easier.

You don't need to be well off or own your own house, but you need to have enough space at home. Some agnecies MAY have a problem with you being an unmarried couple, you need to check.

HTH

Thanks Issymum, I'll check that out. I think you might be right Zephyrcat about Switzerland. We have said that if we go it will be our final move, we both work for the United Nations and can get moved at the drop of a hat but have said we won't do any more moves unless it is very soon (because poor DS needs to finaly settle somewhere and get a solid education, he's 4.5)