19 month old self soothed and I feel terrible

[AhaShakeHeartbreak12]

DS is 19 months, spent 3.5 hours attempting to settle him (i rock him to sleep after a cup of milk and transfer him to his cot once he's asleep)

He's usually a 12 hour sleeper, but this past week has been relentless as he was poorly and he's going through a regression.

After 3.5 hours of screaming, him hitting, scratching and getting worked up I managed to calm him down and place him in his cot.

I came back into my room and had a huge cry.

Watched him on the monitor, he cried out quietly for one minute and then sat down. He lay down and fell asleep within 7 minutes.

It's not our normal routine but I felt myself getting upset, I'm 6 months pregnant and my back started to hurt from rocking and I didn't want to cry in front of him.

My mum thinks I've traumstised him. He's perfectly fine and asleep, I've checked on him. I feel horrible. I was at breaking point and had to cry.

I don't know why I'm posting, I think I'm just in such a state as I've never seen him self soothe before and I'm worried I've traumatised him now

You've done him a favour tbh, he needs to learn to self soothe. I'm amazed that you've been rocking a 19mo to sleep, surely he's far too heavy?! Your mum is batshit quite frankly a 19mo is not going to be traumatised by crying for a few minutes then falling asleep by himself

He wasn’t traumatised.He went to sleep by himself for the first time-this should be celebrated!! Now just keep it up and by the sounds of all the fussing he was doing beforehand maybe he is more than ready to be put to bed with just a scaled down routine .

I sometimes watch old episodes of Supernanny and wonder why parents have so much trouble at bedtime.
Then someone is guilt ridden because their dc self soothed for 7 minutes.

Sounds like you did what he needed. Sounds like he was overtired and him relying on you to regulate him/assist him to sleep just wasn't going to work. He needed to do it himself. You havent traumatised him. And your mum is horrible for saying that.
I'm so anti cry it out etc but this is not what happened here. You gave your baby what he needed. Don't feel guilty. Build on it so bedtimes are easier when your new baby arrives.

If your mum thinks he still needs continually rocked to sleep at 3/4/5 I’m assuming she’ll be on hand to do it? No, thought not.

Your mum needs to wind her neck in. You did absolutely nothing wrong. A 19 month old doesn’t need rocked to sleep. At that age we did bath, dressed, cuddles and popped him in his cot. If he was upset we of course returned but generally he rolls around his cot for a bit then goes to sleep.

I would start a new routine and pop him straight in his cot tonight. You can't continue doing what you've been doing with a baby on the way. I left my 2 year old whinging in her bed last night, she was fine, I could see her on the monitor and she fell asleep within a few minutes.

It could be that now he's a little older with more awareness that being rocked to sleep is a little over stimulating and he actually needed the simplicity of being alone. No baby if they are feeling afraid or alarmed would settle that quickly. Sounds to me as though the conditions were right for sleep and he felt safe.
This could just be a transition to a new pattern and just what you need with a second one the way. If it's a one-off, not to worry but it does mean you have another option to try next time he's struggling to settle.
Don't worry he's not traumatised, he has a lovering mum and we all reach a point where we need a good cry for sure. You did everything right.

Not your mum’s business! My (otherwise lovely) mum often offered unsolicited opinions and advice on this kind of thing - ignore!

Hope DS is back to his usual great sleep soon.

Wth have I read your 19m is well old enough to self soothe and probably has been for a long time. At that age constantly rocking them and being present does not allow them to fall asleep naturally themselves. Mine self soothed from babies, one around 8/9 months he preferred to be left alone and my DD honestly from only a few weeks old I quickly worked out she got on a lot better being out down, having a cry for a minute or two and then falling asleep.

Your mum sounds nuts frankly.

Sounds like it's what he needed. Maybe the rocking was over stimulating him and he was getting over tired and he couldn't settle. He should be able to self settle. Just put him to bed, say good night, then leave the room

Progress! It's what parents spend months trying to get their DC to achieve. Don't undo it now by the ridiculous rocking to sleep. Where's your DH in all this bonkers routine?
And your DM is overinvolved. Feel free to criticise as many aspects of her life choices as you see fit.

@EverythingWasGolden in all fairness, I give him a cup of milk and he's normally asleep within minutes, most of the time I don't have to even rock him. I transfer him to his cot.

I've never really had to let him self soothe, I think my mum thinks I left him to scream for hours on end or something. She always seems to have a different way of doing things that makes me feel awful. I normally don't share much with her for this reason but I was upset and DH was on nights

If he was screaming like that for hours he was over stimulated I should think so you did the right thing!

Your mum sounds unhinged tbh. I actually feel angry on your behalf that someone who should have your back, has made you feel this way.

Put some distance in and stop telling her everything.

[quote AhaShakeHeartbreak12]@EverythingWasGolden in all fairness, I give him a cup of milk and he's normally asleep within minutes, most of the time I don't have to even rock him. I transfer him to his cot.

I've never really had to let him self soothe, I think my mum thinks I left him to scream for hours on end or something. She always seems to have a different way of doing things that makes me feel awful. I normally don't share much with her for this reason but I was upset and DH was on nights [/quote]
Sorry, I hate to be that person but you really shouldn't be giving him milk and then letting him go to sleep without brushing his teeth.

For those criticising the rocking to sleep, he's slept 12 hours every night since he was 8 months old.

I've never had to let him self soothe because the boy loves his sleep, I don't always have to rock him. Sometimes a cup of milk and hes out like a light.

Im going with the self soothing, I was in a stage last night and appreciate the reassurance but please don't come down on me. I'm not doing anything wrong.

Those asking about DH, he works nights. On nights off he does bedtime routine, very hands on.

I'm emotional and had a wobble, it turned out perfectly in the end.

Also my mum always criticises my parenting this is not new. I don't even know why I told her

@mynameiscalypso thanks I appreciate the advice, he brushes his teeth twice per day and the dentist says they're great thank you though. I'll try switch it up when I get him through this sleep regression

My youngest just seemed to want to be left to it from the start. He's still an independent little bugger which brings its own issues but he slept virtually from day 1 and through the night consistently from 5 weeks with this approach. I don't remember him even fussing.

Anyone I know who's implemented a routine such as rocking, lying with them etc has had a bloody nightmare when they're tried to stop.

I'm pretty sure he has no neglect or attachment issues now he's inches taller than me. Your mum is being silly.

She always seems to have a different way of doing things that makes me feel awful. I normally don't share much with her for this reason

I think you would benefit from analysing this behaviour. She is doing it on purpose.

@Shelovesamystery is is heavy! I'm struggling, I've set up a toddler bed in his new room, but as we planned to start the sleep regression hit and it's set us back. Now I know self soothing is the best option im going to try him in it

I think your mum has traumatised you

Your son will be just fine x

Your mother needs to get a fucking grip. Of course you haven’t traumatised him. Once you have your other baby there are likely to be occasions where one or the other will have to cry for a minute and that’s not going to traumatise them either.

A self-soothing 19 month old is a happy, secure 19 month old.

OP honestly just don't listen to your DM any more. I'm really shocked that she would say you've traumatised him, it's completely bonkers and quite cruel to you tbh.

At 19mo my dc's bedtime routines were bath, teeth, pyjamas, story, into bed, kiss and a cuddle, leave the room (the same as now at 3 and 5). I wouldn't go in unless they were genuinely distressed, if they were just having a whinge I left them to it.

With a new baby on the way you will be so glad of a structured, easy night time routine. Also the newborn will make you realise how grown up DS is and that he can be more independent with certain things than you realised.

Sorry if anything I said came across as a criticism, I totally didn't mean it to. I'm just shocked at your mum's reaction to something is perfectly normal and actually necessary for development, and for some babies happens much you get. I don't think you've done anything wrong at all. Your mum sounds incredibly difficult.

'Younger' not 'you get'

Your mum is being ridiculous. Your ds is fine. Sounds like he just wanted you to go and let him get to sleep!

At this age, he should be self settling every night. It's a life skill! If he can't, how are you going to manage with two?