Help - what are reasonable domestic standards?

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Hello - thanks for taking the time to read.

I'm concerned about some of my partner's behaviours/skills/abilities around general domestic stuff & (a) can't work out if i'm being unreasonable now, (b) wondering where it might to later on.

Firsly i want to come clean that i am a father & my concerns are around our son's mother. However, i want to be very clear that my concerns around making an appropriate home environement for a child apply to both parents - it just happens to be this way around in my story. So i'm going to talk about my partner as she/her, but in no way am i suggesting that her, or any mother's responsibilities, should be different to any man's.

I would describe my partner as completely undomesticated. We got pregnant accidentally, having never lived together, & decided to give things a go. I was completely shocked when we moved in together - it was like living in a student house. Clothes everywhere, plates left out, utility bills straight in the bin, no idea how to operate a vacuum cleaner, beds never made, spills not addressed, etc, etc etc. She was 32 at that point. It caused a lot of issues for us.

Our boy is now 2.5. Generally things are better - they had to be - but i think still a long way short of what i think is right for a child's home environment - still lots of mess, plates, general disarray. Not only that, but her characteristics are now also visible in her parenting. His hands & face are never wiped clean, his hair is never cleaned, she'll throw any old clothes on him (all aesthitic i know). She cannot cook - litterally nothing - toast, microwave stuff, pack mac'n'cheese. She therefore does no shopping. I find bits of paper (medical, daycare, etc) left randomly around. Medicine left out. Used nappies on the floor.

Now i know that each of these are individually trivial when compared other parenting traits. Its certainly only fair that i say how good she is with him emotionally, much better than i could hope to be. Clearly she & i are very different - you can probably read between the lines to see that i am quite orgnaised, tidy, take care of myself, eat well, etc - but i cant work out if this situation is her not meeting my standards, or whether its just not good enough for a parent.

I also wonder how this will develop as he grows. How will this carelessness manifest? Will his homework be done? Will he be bullied at school for looking a mess? Will he miss out on things because of a lost letter? Are there other associated impacts that i havent even thought to worry about yet?

Obviously i have reponsibilities in each of these areas. The only way we have got to now is by me doing all of the cleaning, all of the shopping, all of the cooking, all of the paperwork, washing his hair, cleaning his face, putting the medicine away. But i cant be home all of the time - in fact i have to travel with work or work late quite frequently. Further, it is not impossible that our relationship will end & i would be around even less...

Are my concerns unreasonable? Am i just judging by my own standards? Should i just be thankful that she is so caring & emotinally attentive? Am i right to worry about where this could end? Does he deserve a better home...?

This thread presents an interesting case study. If a woman had written it about a man I’m certain the replies would be uniformly sympathetic. But instead it’s framed as a man being condescending because the woman’s a slob.

My DC often wear scruffy clothes (what else for muddy wood walks, park trips and messy play on nursery days?)
Sometimes I bag up the dirty nappies, go back to whatever activity we were doing, and put them in the bin later.
Sometimes I forger to wash the toddlers face because we are in a rush to get somewhere.
Sometimes I get behind on the housework, or leave paperwork lying around.
Occasionally I forget to put the calpol away once I'm finished with it.

We all fall short of ideal parenting standards sometimes, we all fall short or our own standards sometimes (whether lower or higher than what society would see as ideal). It sounds like your standards do not align anyway, but please be aware or what constitutes neglect, what is just a difference in standard or style, and whether these incidents are a regular pattern of behaviour, or the result of occasional lapses in judgement.

We have all left something where it shouldn't have been. There is a big difference between accidentally leaving your antibiotics out on the coffee table once, and regularly leaving razor blades and strips of paracetamol in a toddlers reach.

It sounds like you have some very specific expectations of your partner (that go beyond regular parenting standards). I would want these to be very very clearly communicated to me.

I don't expect my toddler's face to be kept clean or hair tidy. Esp. if she has been a working mum? You have not answered this question despite many people asking.

E.g., is she shoving toast in your son's mouth after getting him dressed to get him to nursery on time so she can make a 9am meeting? If yes, I think you need to re-examine whether she's actually a slob (as you claim) or a 20th century working mum who doesn't meet your traditional ideas of what a domesticated mother should be like?

Food for thought OP.

Well said ManicPixie

I have been avoiding the 'working mum' point, because I'm not so sure it's relevant (a) whether she works or not (b) that she's a mom, not a dad. She's a parent. She happens not to work since becoming a mum. But I work - & I find the time to do all of the things she doesn't, because I'm a parent, not a "working dad".

I've tried to be clear that these expectations do not relate to mothers (traditional, 20th century, working), they relate to any parent. I set the same standards for myself & any father, working or otherwise.

In any case, I am grateful for all feedback & eager not to get in to specific back & forth. I have received some really clear guidance & also some justification for my uncertainty (opinions were split).

Many many thanks to all

Just on your education point. I would look more at what your partner's views/standards of education are when it comes to whether you should be concerned about your son doing his homework.

Is your partner educated? Eg - did she finish school? Or even post grad? Better yet - does she principally value education? If yes, I don't think you have anything to worry about considering you say she has no mental health issues. If she doesn't see tidiness as important but values education, you have nothing to worry about in that respect, it seems.

I am an engineer and my house in total tatters! Luckily my DH is the same :) Good luck!

I appreciate you don’t want a back and forth OP but I’ve got to say…your post sounds very very suss.

You say that your partner isn’t working, right? But you have a cleaner that comes twice a week? Yet somehow she can manage to get the house in a state that you deem “neglect” during the 3 days that you are home while your 2.5 son is at nursery. But she doesn’t have mental health issues..

Look maybe I have it wrong…But I have to ask whether you are accurately representing your partner or the situation at home. And if you aren’t, then please don’t come on here and pretend that you’re soliciting fair advice when you’re painting an inaccurate picture. You wouldn’t be the first and you wouldn’t be the last to annonomously post, misrepresent your other half and cherry-pick the comments that best align with your distorted narrative you’ve painted for us.

Not buying it.

You have a cleaner twice a week.

She’s managed to keep him alive, fed and well for 2.5 years, but only now have you noticed her scruffy parenting?

Aye.

I agree VERY much with whats being picked up here by others, esp this: But I have to ask whether you are accurately representing your partner or the situation at home. And if you aren’t, then please don’t come on here and pretend that you’re soliciting fair advice when you’re painting an inaccurate picture. You wouldn’t be the first and you wouldn’t be the last to annonomously post, misrepresent your other half and cherry-pick the comments that best align with your distorted narrative you’ve painted for us.

OP - you read so disingenuous to many of us here. It seems like you are bothered by something else in your relationship and you have targeted her tidiness because it is (perhaps) not one of her strong suits and you are now on private forums looking for validation. Shame on you.