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Original poster

How to talk to DD about table manners

29 replies

OrangeSunset · 08/05/2021 13:19

Somehow my DD (12) has developed awful table manners. In particular, she’s talking and chewing with her mouth open. She also often has food around the corner of her mouth.

My concern is that people notice (rightly or wrongly) and that she will be judged for it. Most of all, I worry about another child saying something unkind to her.

How can I talk to her about in a kind, supportive way? We’re a bit at loggerheads about it, and of course she’s going to need to break the habit.

It didn’t used to be a problem, she’s developed it as a habit in the last few years. And it is quite gross.

OP posts:

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Set a reminder

Orangebug · 08/05/2021 13:23

Personally I think there's no need to worry too much about being kind and supportive. To me, that would be more appropriate for something she's upset about (eg weight gain, poor marks at school, friendship issues). When it comes to things like politeness and table manners I'd just insist upon it - if she wants to eat the food you've cooked, that is. Same as tooth brushing, saying please etc - it's non negotiable.

nevernotstruggling · 08/05/2021 13:25

I think you need to speak calmly about it to her and then reinforce it at mealtimes. It's harsh but you don't want her embarrassing herself as she gets older. Dd1 was very resistant to eating with her lips closed I feel your pain. The rule in our house is don't be gross with food full stop.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 08/05/2021 13:30

I'm not sure I would be looking for kind and supportive, it just needs the same reminder every time she does it. "Please don't talk with your mouth full" or "finish what's in your mouth before continuing the story" should do it or "you have food on your lip" during family meals should do the trick.

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Original poster

OrangeSunset · 08/05/2021 13:35

Hmm. So I have been pretty direct and it’s just not working. Hence my thoughts that trying a kinder approach would work!

I absolutely don’t want her to embarrass herself. BUT I don’t want to shame her by suggesting that what is doing at the moment is embarrassing, if that makes sense

OP posts:

Orangebug · 08/05/2021 13:41

I think you need to just keep saying it OP! It always amazes me how many times I have to repeat the same sentences about saying please, putting clothes in the washing basket when dirty etc etc. But eventually it works when you're both sick to death of it

spotcheck · 08/05/2021 13:44

@OrangeSunset

Hmm. So I have been pretty direct and it’s just not working. Hence my thoughts that trying a kinder approach would work!

I absolutely don’t want her to embarrass herself. BUT I don’t want to shame her by suggesting that what is doing at the moment is embarrassing, if that makes sense

But she WILL embarrass herself, and she WILL be judged.

It's ok to be struck on some things

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2021 13:45

I think you need to stop being so gentle about this and start being firm. She needs to know that proper table manners are non-negotiable.

WarandFleece · 08/05/2021 13:46

I think children often go through a phase like this op as tweens/teens , so please don't be too worried, as they usually come out of the other side ok. In other words, you can teach table manners to little children but they sometimes go through a phase of forgetting, or more accurately 'not being as aware of the effects of their behaviour on others' for a while.

How to teach them when they are older?

Example. Example. Example.

And if that fails, a bit of humour to back it up. I totally 'get' how difficult it is to correct manners without coming across as very personal and negative though.

WorraLiberty · 08/05/2021 13:47

OP is she extra, super sensitive or something?

Because otherwise I can't see the problem in telling a 12 year old to stop talking with their mouth full, and to use a napkin.

Of course she'll be judged by other people because it's disgusting so therefore affects others eating around her.

Original poster

OrangeSunset · 08/05/2021 13:48

@Aquamarine1029 I haven’t been gentle, I have been on it but it just isn’t working. She thinks I’m picking on her.

Hence my question on language that can help express the consequences of her poor habits without shaming - she’s just not listening.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 08/05/2021 13:48

Keep being forthright. We say along the lines of “DC, it’s horrible to see your food when you’re chewing. Please stop.”

I don’t want to shame her by suggesting that what is doing at the moment is embarrassing
But - it is! It is unpleasant to eat a meal with someone who has horrible table manners, and it is part of politeness overall to think of others.

Elieza · 08/05/2021 13:50

Is her nose constantly bunged up or has she a tooth coming in/damaged or some other physical issue that’s making her do this?

DietrichandDiMaggio · 08/05/2021 13:51

Unless your daughter has special needs that you have not mentioned, what's wrong with telling a 12 year old that her tables manners are lacking and others will find them disgusting?

AnonGlitterBomb · 08/05/2021 13:51

Keep telling her to not talk while chewing because it’s not nice to see chewed up food.
Repeat as needed.

NoSquirrels · 08/05/2021 13:51

So long as you are focusing on the behaviour not on shaming her as a person, then I think it is fine.

She says “You’re picking on me”. You say “I’m not, DD, I feel strongly that good table manners are important and so I will keep pointing out when it’s not nice to see the food inside your mouth when you’re eating. Don’t talk with your mouth full and chew with it closed and I won’t need to mention it again.”

NoFashion · 08/05/2021 13:54

I'd be honest about it and not while she's eating.

Sit down and say it's gotten bad. And if she doesn't fix it then her friends etc will notice and she will embarrass herself at meal times.

She will be upset. But make sure to start by explaining you're not being mean, you're trying to help. But you realise it'll hurt her feelings.

Then make sure all meals are at the table and you are picking her up on it.

It'll be frustrating for her. But I'd rather fix something at home and prevent public embarrassment for a teen. Than go softly softly.

WorraLiberty · 08/05/2021 13:56

I don’t want to shame her by suggesting that what is doing at the moment is embarrassing

But it is embarrassing at her age, she's 12 not 2!

Mrsjayy · 08/05/2021 14:01

I wonder if she does it for attention she has cottoned on that you will say something to her ? Maybe try short and sweet DD close your mouth or you can talk once you have finished then move on. Failing that you might need to ignore her and let her get on with it.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 08/05/2021 14:04

I would be blunt.
But I would not worry. She knows how to, just chooses not to. I bet she eats properly with other people.
Much like teens talking. Fake jamaican accent with friends. ..

Oneearringlost · 08/05/2021 14:04

I don't think there is such a thing as addressing this in a kind and supportive way. If she thinks you're picking on her, well you are, rightly, as it is only her exhibiting unattractive, and frankly rather gross behaviour. As others have said, table manners are non negotiable, she will find others will not want to be around her. It's not a bad thing to remind her that this behaviour will have a potential impact on her ability to make and maintain friendships. Remind, reinforce at each meal when this happens. No harm in saying, "Oh yuck, DD, it makes me not want to look at you, listen to you or share a meal with you, when you eat like that." She won't stop loving you, but this is part of your role as a parent and sometimes you have to be blunt. As long as other aspects of your relationship are healthy, this is normal good parenting and you shouldn't be feeling that you should be treading on eggshells.
It's her decision in the end....

picklemewalnuts · 08/05/2021 14:08

We do some 'gosh that's mesmerising and disgusting in equal parts', 'are you a horse?' type comments.

Also some judicious mimicking can be helpful. Champing an apple loudly with smacking noises seems to alert DH to the issue better than mere words.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 08/05/2021 14:11

I remember reading that when people eat in a room with a mirror (opposite a mirror?), they eat less and eat with better table manners.

If redecorating the dining room is a possibility, that is something your could consider.

Personally, I would go with the direct approach but you have said that you already tried that and it isn’t working.

Mrsjayy · 08/05/2021 14:12

I agree there isn't a kind way sometimes they need told. ! I did laugh at "are you a. Horse" though 😄

DifficultBloodyWoman · 08/05/2021 14:15

Oh, and in answer to you other question - I may not ‘judge’ per se but I have two friends who are lovely people that I will not meet for a meal. They both chew with with their mouths open and talk while their mouths are full. They are lovely people but I refuse to sit opposite them at a dining table ever again. Last time, I organized to sit next to one so I couldn’t see them eating but then I just noticed the sounds!

Lovely people but we will never eat together again.

katy1213 · 08/05/2021 14:30

She needs to be shamed. In a few years time she could miss out on a job if she exhibits poor manners at an interview meal. And that's just holding a knife and fork incorrectly - never mind disgusting chomping.

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