How to talk to DD about table manners

[OrangeSunset]

Somehow my DD (12) has developed awful table manners. In particular, she’s talking and chewing with her mouth open. She also often has food around the corner of her mouth.

My concern is that people notice (rightly or wrongly) and that she will be judged for it. Most of all, I worry about another child saying something unkind to her.

How can I talk to her about in a kind, supportive way? We’re a bit at loggerheads about it, and of course she’s going to need to break the habit.

It didn’t used to be a problem, she’s developed it as a habit in the last few years. And it is quite gross.

I think it's very wrong to shame a child who is unaware of what they are doing or the affect it is having on others.

If she is doing it on purpose as a game, and it's definitely intentional, to disgust those around her , then of course she needs telling off. But it doesn't sound that that is the case here.

Usually with teens or tweens , owing to their brain development, they go through a phase of genuinely not understanding the affect their behaviour is having on others. So it needs to be pointed out in a diplomatic way.

And the default position of many adolescents is that everyone is attacking them. And then they switch off and get defensive. And everything escalates. It's more helpful to get around this in ways that are more imaginative than "shaming" which will create more problems than it solves. For context, I consider myself quite a strict parent too. And good table manners are a particular bugbear of mine.

Tell her it's disgusting and people won't want to eat with her if they have to look at that.

The thing is, eating is very emotive isn’t it, or can be. I don’t want to go in at her so much that she develops anxiety around meal times which I imagine could lead to all sorts of other issues.

On the other hand, that one comment from someone could be enough to create issues too!

I’m not at all sure about the idea of eating in front of a mirror - I think that would give me issues!

We have been really clear about the context ie people notice, it’s not nice and it’s a habit you can stop.

I worry she does it with others as she has food round her mouth when I pick her up sometimes. For some reason she is keeping food at the front of her mouth and chewing it there, and behaving a bit like it’s gum.

Take her to the dentist or check for wobbly teeth then. Honestly, tweens and teens can be disgusting and need to be reminded to wash properly, wear deodorant etc. I can’t pussyfoot around these issues that make them unpleasant to live with, mine are just told to eat properly, shower as they stink etc and I’d rather it came from me than someone else. Worrying about not saying things in case they develop issues is just a bit too snowflake mentality for me, they need to build resilience to succeed in life.