Help me with the tantrums!

[fassnk]

I have read a couple of threads recently where the child involved has a temper, and when wrong or doesnt get their own way they scream and cry and throw things and lash out. Lots of posters said things along the lines of "mine would never dare to do that" and "i absolutely wouldnt allow that behaviour" etc.

My DS does all these things. He is almost 2. What the hell do you do when it kicks off? Hold him to stop the hitting and kicking? Take away anything in the area to stop it being thrown? Take him away somewhere else? I think he is too young for punishment but im at a loss as to how to manage this.

What does everyone else do? Its the usual story, "no you cant have a snack dinner is in 10 minutes" or "no you cant play with that random manky thing you have found on the floor in the park" - meltdown.

Help!

I tell my 2 yr old “no” then try and distract her from whatever she’s doing. At that age they’re too little to get into a big discussion about why we don’t do things and punishments. She is coming up to 2.5 so I am trying to get her to pick things up after she’s thrown them etc. Her will is stronger than mine but I just keep reminding her of the boundaries and will start introducing consequences.

And for those parents who say “mine would never do something like that” fair play. My son was like that, he never had a toddler tantrum at all, and it was not because of any superior parenting on my part, he’s just an easier child to parent!

Too young for punishment imo- it’s a firm no and distraction method. By 3 it’s naughty step.

As for coping mechanisms scream in your head and hold a poker face- sometimes just let it play out if he’s safe, don’t rise to it.

Distraction while they are young enough for it to work when it doesn’t work when they are older I just sit on the floor out of reach of hitting/kicking and say occasional Mummy is here for when you want a cuddle.

Before dinner I tend to lob half cooked or raw veg I’m cooking in their direction to keep the hunger at bay, get the veg into them and so they let you get on with cooking.

I personally don’t like the naughty step and especially for tantrums. Tantrums are when a child is overwhelmed by their emotions. If my friend was upset I won’t sit them on the corner of the room and ignore them and the same applies to my children.

@fittoforty i understand what youre saying, but then what? if your friend asked for a snack and you said no dinner is in 10 minutes, so they kicked off screaming and shouting and throwing whatever is closest to them, what would you do? you cant reason with a child like you can with an adult.

It depends for me. If we’re out - like in the middle of a shop, say - I stop what I’m doing and bundle her out of there. But if we’re at home / in a playground / in the car, I leave her to it if we don’t need to be anywhere. She wants to scream and shout, I let her crack on. It’s still not going to get her the biscuit / toy / whatever.

It’s a bit different if it’s a “We need to go now” situation, but then it basically becomes “Come along nicely or I’ll be holding your hand/strapping you into the buggy and insisting”.

It seemed to work here. We don’t have a lot of tantrums, and she seems to understand they don’t have the desired effect.

[quote fassnk]@fittoforty i understand what youre saying, but then what? if your friend asked for a snack and you said no dinner is in 10 minutes, so they kicked off screaming and shouting and throwing whatever is closest to them, what would you do? you cant reason with a child like you can with an adult. [/quote]
Then leave them to tantrum it out and talk to them when they have calmed down.

Putting a child in time put because they can’t control their emotions is not going to help them deal with their emotions.

If indoors, I used to put the dgc on the stairs with the baby gate locked shut. The alternative is just to ignore the behavior but then they get frustrated and start breaking/destroying things, throwing things around and making a mess.

I can't remember my own DC ever having tantrums. What's changed to cause it?

Firm boundaries and then distraction here. Not forcing DS to do anything but I just start playing with something else and he normally potters over to see what I'm doing and forgets whatever was the end of his world a couple of minutes before.

[quote fassnk]@fittoforty i understand what youre saying, but then what? if your friend asked for a snack and you said no dinner is in 10 minutes, so they kicked off screaming and shouting and throwing whatever is closest to them, what would you do? you cant reason with a child like you can with an adult. [/quote]
If they go ott and you worry about safety you have to put them somewhere safe (ie in the house a stair gate on their room) or if out sometimes you have to carry them off to the car. Don’t give in but don’t overly engage

Time out isn’t necessarily a punishment, sometimes it’s just a space for them to do their shouting. It can be within your sight (but I don’t recommend giving them giving any attention or you might actually feed the tantrum). After a couple of minutes check in with them in a bright and breezy way preferably with a distraction. In most toddlers that’s enough to end it. If they aren’t ready just say “oh fine I will leave you to it, let me know when you are ready” then go back to what you were doing.

Out and about strap into buggy and do the same as above.

Re snack - here have a snack. Re think on the floor - is it dangerous? No? Have it. Basically say "no" only when life is in danger.

They say pick your battles and it is a bigger thing than it seems.

Also reasoning. My one is not 2 just yet but I explain and explain over and over. "Your PJ is wet, we need to put a dry one on. Your hands are dirty, we need to wash them and then you can have XYZ. Let's not take the bicycle to the park, how about we take a ball instead...". Treat them like a real person (or this works for me, for now). Imagine yourself being made to do things by someone all the time.

Not want breakfast? OK. Want something else that we have? OK. Don't want a jumper? OK. Basically it is always OK unless it's dangerous and then the "no" has a real weight and 5 out of 10 times it works. The other 5 times just pick the screaming baby off the floor like the rest of us, and walk home to some tea and cookies :)

Make sure you appear calm on the outside even if you’re not feeling it. Let the tantrum happen; if it’s over something small they probably need to get it out anyway. Make sure they’re not going to hurt themselves but let them get on with it and supervise. If they’re hitting/kicking I wouldn’t hold them but block hands and feet and say “I won’t let you hit/kick.” It’s reassuring for them to know you’re in charge and keeping them safe. Don’t worry about what other people are thinking (really hard I know!) Once it’s finished, move on quickly. Maybe talk about it later when they’re calm.

My DS has recently been screaming with frustration over the smallest thing. I try to empathise first: “you’re really annoyed that the train track won’t fit but I won’t let you throw it.” And take it away as soon as they throw it/hit/push. It felt very fake at first but it works wonders and often calms him down quickly and avoids a tantrum. The calmer I am the smaller his reaction is.

Only say no when it's really important that you do. Pick your battles.
Want to play with something manky off the ground? Sure, as long as its not a used needle, crack on.
Want to run into traffic? NO and if you tantrum about you're going over my shoulder, straight home.
My mum (loads of kids) says set up every situation for a yes answer. They want chocolate in middle of night? Not no, but “yes that does sound fun, let's plan a midnight picnic one day"etc. Sounds mad but it works.

@Fitforforty

Putting a child in time put because they can’t control their emotions is not going to help them deal with their emotions.

Worked well for mine. It wasn't called "time out" or the "naughty" step.

We didn't use it until he was over 3 and he knew it was for him to calm down when he got very cross. He would be asked to sit on the bottom stair (stairs are in living room) until he calmed down, then we would talk, there was no point discussing anything with him until he had calmed down. He very soon learned to calm down without needing it.

Thanks everyone. Its hard to pick your battles when everything is a bloody battle! I understand about just let them get on with things unless its dangerous but im worried i will just raise a spoilt brat if he always gets what he wants to avoid a tantrum!

I found a brilliant video last night of DD3 when she was about 20 months, hurling her little drawing table over her head and screaming solidly for 3 mins (I was at work my husband was watching her)- she would go berserk and try throwing things, honestly I barely remember it now she’s out of that stage. She still throws tantrums but they are far more grumpy face telling me she’s angry and stomping. It’s a phase- deep breaths!
Don’t give in, or at least not directly in - wants a snack before dinner time it’s a no but how about 10mins of tv before dinner. Wants you to buy a toy in the shop no but how about we go home and find your fav car etc

@fassnk

Thanks everyone. Its hard to pick your battles when everything is a bloody battle! I understand about just let them get on with things unless its dangerous but im worried i will just raise a spoilt brat if he always gets what he wants to avoid a tantrum!

Remember the difference between:

• Providing/doing/changing something to avoid a tantrum
• Giving in to end a tantrum

The canny thing to do, and it does get better with practice, is to keep things relatively jolly and save the tantrums for the non-negotiables. That way you are not too knackered.

So if your kid always has a tantrum at 5, you may be better off doing tea at 4:30 as they are probably just too hungry. Then when they kick off about the car seat, you still have enough energy to not back down.

Similarly if they hate wearing their coat, just don't bother unless you think they will be harmed by not wearing it.

I always eyeroll at anyone who says they wouldn't accept a tantrum from their toddler, because it does depend on the type of child you get! My eldest had tantrums but it was easy to distract him and he was harming anyone in the process; he grew out of them by 2.5. My youngest on the other hand....constant tantrums all day long about anything and nothing. When he got in a rage he would charge round the room trying to break as much stuff as he possibly could! I used to hold him in a bear hug (while he attempted to bite me) and try and calm him down a bit. I used to put him in the bathroom a lot because at least there was nothing breakable in there. I would sit by the door and keep reminding him that I was there if he wanted a hug. It could take a good half an hour for him to calm down enough to come over and hug me. I also had a book I used to read to him about really sad/angry and different suggestions of how you can help yourself calm down. We used to go through this book at least once a day every day and we'd try out all the different suggestions together in a fun way. He picked it up eventually and started asking for a hug rather than smashing things when he was overwhelmed. He also used to storm off to his room and sit up there on his own for a bit until he felt calm again, and he still does this now age 5.

Constant snacks to stop him getting hungry, singing to him in a silly over the top way when we're doing something that he hates and not doing too much in one day all helped prevent tantrums. I also don't tend to say no to my kids unless I absolutely have to. I pick my battles and if it's something I think is really unreasonable I find a way to make it reasonable iyswim.

i also don't tend to say no to my kids unless I absolutely have to how does that work?! My three year old asks for iPad, chocolate, to play with me when I’m feeding the baby, to go to so and so’s house, wants most toys on the adverts, to buy another £5 magazine....do you avoid the word “no” whilst not giving in or just constantly give them things they want?

I avoid the word no whilst not giving in where possible, yes. Want ipad? Yes you can have your ipad for 5 minutes after we.... Want to play while feeding baby? Yes, let's do a treasure hunt, can you find me something yellow?... Want chocolate might have to be a no but I usually try "yes we have chocolate on Saturday after our walk" etc. A lot of distraction. It doesn't always work but it often does.

@Mylittlepony374

I avoid the word no whilst not giving in where possible, yes. Want ipad? Yes you can have your ipad for 5 minutes after we.... Want to play while feeding baby? Yes, let's do a treasure hunt, can you find me something yellow?... Want chocolate might have to be a no but I usually try "yes we have chocolate on Saturday after our walk" etc. A lot of distraction. It doesn't always work but it often does.

Got it! My sister used to do something similar with my nephew “Can we go park” “That’s a great idea let’s go tomorrow, that will be fun won’t it?”

It's not foolproof. Once carried my then 18 month old out of a supermarket, fireman style over my shoulder while she kicked and screamed because I didn't buy her sweets. She's super smart so started yelling "help me, she's not my mummy" repeatedly. That was an interesting day.

As others have said, avoid saying no as much as possible, lots of empathy and distraction and really pick your battles. At 2 they're not being naughty or manipulative or spoiled they just can't regulate their emotions yet. DD1 was never a tantrummer but DD2 very much is and I've found what works to avoid a tantrum is to let her feel shes in control, give her choices (out of 2 suitable options) of what to eat, wear etc but if she desperately wants to wear her wellies on a sunny day, just let her wear them. Once I've said no I won't go back on it but they're easily tricked at that age