Help me with the tantrums!

[fassnk]

I have read a couple of threads recently where the child involved has a temper, and when wrong or doesnt get their own way they scream and cry and throw things and lash out. Lots of posters said things along the lines of "mine would never dare to do that" and "i absolutely wouldnt allow that behaviour" etc.

My DS does all these things. He is almost 2. What the hell do you do when it kicks off? Hold him to stop the hitting and kicking? Take away anything in the area to stop it being thrown? Take him away somewhere else? I think he is too young for punishment but im at a loss as to how to manage this.

What does everyone else do? Its the usual story, "no you cant have a snack dinner is in 10 minutes" or "no you cant play with that random manky thing you have found on the floor in the park" - meltdown.

Help!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I do similar to what Mylittlepony does - so I may not give them what they want but I don't say no to them either. My dcs are 7 and 5 and I've so far never had to say no to them when they ask for a toy. If they see a toy on an advert and ask for it I say 'yeah sure, you'll have to remind me when it's your birthday/Christmas'. By the time their birthday or Christmas comes around they've usually moved onto something else! My 7 year old wanted chocolate for breakfast yesterday morning so I said it's a bit early for chocolate now, lets have it after lunch instead. With watching the ipad I might say yes but only for 10 mins, let's put the timer on my phone and when it goes off we can do xyz instead. I know it sounds silly just avoiding using the word no, but it certainly works with my kids.

Ok just had a classic example. Normally have dinner at 5.30. DS was asking for grapes, crisps and biscuits at 5pm. I said "they are nice snacks, we can have some after dinner" and brought his dinner forward as thought he was hungry. Nope, massive meltdown. Screaming NO NO NOOOOO when i gave him his plate, got straight down from the table. I said "ok go and play we can eat later", then he went and threw his duplo cars, all the cushions from the sofa, and came and slapped my legs. I said "please dont throw things" and "dont hit mummy please" - bugger all difference. What am i doing wrong here? why is he so damn aggressive, and why is it always when he doesnt get what he wants?!

@fassnk

Ok just had a classic example. Normally have dinner at 5.30. DS was asking for grapes, crisps and biscuits at 5pm. I said "they are nice snacks, we can have some after dinner" and brought his dinner forward as thought he was hungry. Nope, massive meltdown. Screaming NO NO NOOOOO when i gave him his plate, got straight down from the table. I said "ok go and play we can eat later", then he went and threw his duplo cars, all the cushions from the sofa, and came and slapped my legs. I said "please dont throw things" and "dont hit mummy please" - bugger all difference. What am i doing wrong here? why is he so damn aggressive, and why is it always when he doesnt get what he wants?!

Some children are more challenging than others- your tone should change with the hitting though, that’s a firm “no, nice hands”- walk away leaving his dinner on the table or carry it with you if fear of him throwing it

@fassnk

Ok just had a classic example. Normally have dinner at 5.30. DS was asking for grapes, crisps and biscuits at 5pm. I said "they are nice snacks, we can have some after dinner" and brought his dinner forward as thought he was hungry. Nope, massive meltdown. Screaming NO NO NOOOOO when i gave him his plate, got straight down from the table. I said "ok go and play we can eat later", then he went and threw his duplo cars, all the cushions from the sofa, and came and slapped my legs. I said "please dont throw things" and "dont hit mummy please" - bugger all difference. What am i doing wrong here? why is he so damn aggressive, and why is it always when he doesnt get what he wants?!

I don’t know if this will work for you but when my toddler tantrums (especially at dinner) I just ignore her / pretend she’s not screaming. After a minute or two she clearly starts to feel a bit silly and at that point I can usually distract her by e.g. singing a song. But I try really hard not to do what she wants (pudding or getting down or whatever) as then I’m teaching her tantrums work! If she hurts me I say ow, ignore her for a few seconds (turn head away) and then say “you hurt mummy, say sorry” and get her to stroke the part she hurt. Then we have a hug. But i know all toddlers are different!

You're not doing anything wrong! . And toddlers really can be dicks. You just have to find whatever works for you and him.
I probably would have given grapes, said biscuits/crisps were “all gone". I'd figure not much harm to grapes, allows him to feel in control. Any hitting etc gets a short sharp loud NO from me and I walk away. I'd ignore the couch cushion thing until he calmed down then get him to help me put them back in place.
Its tough but you're being hard on yourself I think. No matter what you do there's a good chance toddlers will tantrum anyway. You can only do so much.

You need to find a safe place to contain them and restrain them if necessary and let them get on with it. Take the buggy if you're out and strap them into the buggy when they start screaming. Then ignore them (whilst internally screaming). Have a safe space in the house with a baby gate on it, take them there and leave them to it when they have a tantrum.

Personally with dinner, I wouldn't have let him down from dinner. I would have left him to have the screaming abdabs in his higher whilst ignoring him (and internally screaming).

It's easier said than done. I found it much easier to ignore my eldests tantrums because I had a newborn. So it really was a case of make sure eldest was contained and safe, then attend to the baby. It gave everyone five minutes to calm down.

@fassnk

Ok just had a classic example. Normally have dinner at 5.30. DS was asking for grapes, crisps and biscuits at 5pm. I said "they are nice snacks, we can have some after dinner" and brought his dinner forward as thought he was hungry. Nope, massive meltdown. Screaming NO NO NOOOOO when i gave him his plate, got straight down from the table. I said "ok go and play we can eat later", then he went and threw his duplo cars, all the cushions from the sofa, and came and slapped my legs. I said "please dont throw things" and "dont hit mummy please" - bugger all difference. What am i doing wrong here? why is he so damn aggressive, and why is it always when he doesnt get what he wants?!

I won’t say please don’t hit me or please don’t throw. It would be a very stern “No!! We do not hit anyone, we have kind hands!”

Don’t tolerate him hitting you. Put him out of the room or well away from you if he does.

I would have given him a couple of grapes and promised the other snacks after dinner.

Christ its a learning curve isnt it. Appreciate all the advice :) Hopefully this phase will end soon!

It's not easy, harder than being a hostage negotiator! Good luck, it'll be worth it one day when he's bringing you breakfast in bed.