How often do you allow visits?

[KM38]

I’m on Mat Leave, DH works offshore (3 weeks away/3weeks home rotation). Baby is now 6m, started weaning and trying to establish a bit more of a routine to his day.

With restrictions easing I’m starting to feel the constant pressure from family members for visits. Obviously it’s important for baby to start being around people more and it is a huge priority for us but I’m really trying to find a balance between time on our own to establish a routine and time with other family members around.

If my sister comes round she’s incredibly respectful of routine and will do bits and pieces to help out - maybe wash bottles while I’m putting DS down for his nap etc. I never ask, she just does which is lovely and really appreciated.
All other family expect a full sit down visit. Me making teas and coffees, baby fed and well rested for them arriving for maximum playtime etc 🙄

So how often do you let family visit? Baby’s GPs, aunties/uncles, cousins etc?

Your op is phrased a bit oddly. How often would you like to see them? A friend of mine saw her mum every week day as they were local. We don't see in laws oftwn as they live abroad.

There isn't a limit...

@SavingsQuestions Should have been more specific. All family members live within a 10 minute drive of us.

I know there’s no limit 😊 I’m a FTM and I’m really struggling to find a balance. I’m quickly learning how important routine is and trying our best to keep to DSs as much as possible. But family are desperate to see him every minute of the day 🙈

Hoping some people will have dealt with similar and found a nice balance.

A rigid routine isn't good for a child either.

My baby is very nearly 6 months and also starting weaning. To be honest, we don’t really stay in much as I get bored. She has an ‘ideal routine’ but I find to get it to work I’d have to stay in every day which I don’t want to do! In fact, I can’t think of the last time we didn’t go out through the day!
I find it much easier to visit other people so they can make you a cuppa instead! For example, we’ve just been to my mums. Baby was ‘due’ a nap at around 1.40. I gave her some food at 1.15ish and she spent so long eating and playing with it and her water cup that she hasn’t napped until 3pm when we were driving home. I suppose the difference may be that I don’t put her in her cot to nap, she just naps wherever we are - car, pram (rarely!) or on me so I don’t feel any need to stay at home.

It does get a bit overwhelming if you don't get much downtime and baby's routine is being messed up. Visitors don't have to deal with the resulting drama at bedtime!

But seriously, I think maybe once a week per set of GPs is plenty.

That's just what we tend to do. No hard and fast rule

If you like seeing them have them over! Its lovely that they can develop a close bond while they are young. Especially after lockdown.

If they need feeding/a nap - just say "just going to feed x" or "i think x needs a nap now why don't you make a cup of tea while I settle him."

Forming a close support network will be invaluable in the future.

I expect the novelty will wear off and you will settle into a pattern.

Id agree wtih sls above too. A reason to get out and see people is great. Suggest going to the park or going for a walk or having a coffee - at this age whatever you like to do!

@bonfireheart Oh gosh, we certainly don’t have a rigid routine 🤣😅 everything is very much baby led in this house. Until this point DS has only ever napped on me/in his pram during the day but he’s starting to struggle with daytime sleep so we’re working on getting him into his cot for naps during the day where possible. Obviously if we’re out and about he just does his usual 😊

Whenever really - probably works out at 3 or 4 days a week (different people).

I'm not that arsed about routine though! We have a class or group every week day, they all fall at different times, or sometimes we won't bother and will do something else instead. Last week we got invited out for a meal at a random time that wasn't baby's normal meal time.

DD has never napped in the cot - only on me or shorter naps in the car or pram. It's a pain in some ways but I never really pushed it either because I didn't want to be tied to having to be home at certain times. I batch cook loads of easily transportable weaning food so I can just take stuff with me. Likewise if we're at home and she needs her meal then I expect visitors to wait whilst I sort that out or excuse themselves and leave if they'd find that boring. If she needs a nap and we have visitors I say 'sorry I'm going to have to try and get her to sleep now' - if she's tired enough she might fall asleep on me with others around, if not I'll take her to a quiet room.

I feel like a bit of a failure of a mum routine wise to be honest but then dd is happy and sleeps well at night and all the agonising over routines just seems like so much work so I don't bother. You're totally within your rights to do what works for your child though, if you have visitors and they don't understand that you need to do a meal/ nap then that's their problem. I'd say something like 'well yes call in in Tuesday afternoon but nap time is at 2.30 we'll only have a couple of hours'

@Sls668 ours is very much an “ideal routine” too. By no means is it set in stone. We get out of the house everyday 😊 I’d lose my mind if I was stuck in all day everyday and I don’t think it’s good for DS.
I don’t drive unfortunately (was half way through lessons when covid hit) - now back on a waiting list to start again with a different instructor 😓 so it’s easier atm for others to come to us so that we can avoid unnecessary public transport for now.
Mine also doesn’t go into his cot for naps but he’s starting to struggle with daytime sleep so we’re trying to establish that at the moment.

I'd suggest visiting them. My family visited constantly the first 6 weeks and then it dropped to about 2x a month from parents. They also expected entertaining and cups of tea. My sibling and I took all our kids out together one afternoon most weekends. We were about 20 mins drive.

You sound a bit overwhelmed. Maybe they're trying to keep you company? Perhaps telling them a particular time between naps that works best for you would help. It depends how often you want to see them. You can explain that you're busy trying to fit everything in, maybe they could take your baby for a walk or go out with you both somewhere instead.

@bonfireheart

A rigid routine isn't good for a child either.

It depends on the child

Ahh yes, I can see it being more awkward if you can’t drive. Maybe arrange park meets or a coffee shop, that way when they ask you can say ‘baby will nap at 9 then need a feed so 11 is good for us’ or whatever.
I just don’t like people coming to my house as it’s too much pressure to have it clean and entertain them 😂

@PlantDoctor I felt once or twice a week for a few hours was fine too but it’s being met with lots of resistance. Both sets of GPs think every other day is reasonable. One set works so want evening visit (right at bath time 🙄), the others don’t so want morning visit.

@SavingsQuestions That’s what I’m struggling with - I have the same issue every visit. “I think baby needs his nap - I’m just going to go and get him settled” and it’s always met with the “oh really?! But didn’t he nap for us coming? Can’t he just play a bit longer” 🙄 you’re right though, maybe the novelty will wear off soon! I know how nice it is (and important!) for him to finally be around other people but finding a balance is a bit tough.

@AliasGrape please don't feel a failure! I think whatever we do we can end up feeling that way. It sounds like it worked for you perfectly and you still got to see people and do things! Well done. And as you say groups (when they happen) are often a mix of times and its good to be free to meet up with people. Sounds spot on 😊

@AliasGrape 100% agree that everyone will be different 😊 sounds like you have a good loose routine that works for you guys!! My DS is really starting to struggle with his sleep so I think establishing a bit more of a routine with him is going to be needed. He was always fine napping on me or in the pram wherever we were but now will only take very short naps like that and is so cranky and overtired by the end of the day so we’re working on being able to put him down for naps to see if that makes any difference!

KM38 it must be so strange for you as youvehad so much of babie's life in lockdown it's different from when you've fallen into a pattern from birth. Mine are older but I know Ive got used to seeing less of people since lockdown! I just imagine they're all so keen to see you as if you had a new baby.

Just stick to your guns if you think they need a nap or warn/remind in advance, "be really lovely to see you. I expect X will need a nap at some point but we could play first." Or "How about we go for a walk aroun Xoclock as then they cna have a nap in their buggy." Etc.

Are you managing to get out most days?

How are you finding things? You've done an amazing thing having a lockdown baby, it must have been extra hard!

Also don't be afraid to say when arramging dates "we've had a busy week/I'm feeling a bit warn out/etc and want to plan a quiet day - how about Friday instead?" So you have some time to recoup!

Apologies for typos etc. I really can't type well on the phone 🙈

@Nyfluff @Sls668 Yeah I’m hoping that will get easier with coffee shops etc reopening now. It’s lovely having people want to spend time with him but I feel like there’s a never ending demand for his attention 😅

Half your stress and let dc's df organise his family seeing the baby..
Your dc isn't a zoo exhibit...

@SavingsQuestions Honestly, it’s been quite tough - especially with DH working offshore! 3 weeks at a time alone in lockdown with a newborn wasn’t what I was expecting when we planned getting pregnant 🤣 but it is what it is and DS is incredible so we’re very lucky!

We get out every day without fail! I’d go stir crazy otherwise 🙈 I don’t drive so it’s just a local walk for an hour or 2 but it’s enough to keep me from feeling too cooped up and it’s good for DS getting fresh air! I think that’s the issue to be honest...neither set of GPs are respectful of baby’s needs - it’s very much when suits then. I’ll say “10am or 2pm works best for X - then you can get a bit of playtime before he feeds” (DS has reflux so we do wake, play, feed, then chill for a bit before nap) - but they’ll turn up at 11.30 and have a wee gripe about him not being able to play properly. I think I just need to think less about it and tell them a strict time for visits tbh!

@Aprilshowersandhail DH organises his family when he’s home but he works away for 3 weeks at a time and I wouldn’t only allow his family to visit when he’s here so I organise them when he’s away

I found when mine were little I'd respond to visit requests with something along the lines of "dds nap is 12-2 so either come before that if you fancy a play with her, or come once she is down for a sleep if you just fancy a chat/cuppa"

I see my mum once or a twice a week while my partner is at work but that'ssimilar to your sister and also I can leave baby with her while I gave a shower or she'll do the washing up etc, his mum pops round every Wednesday for a little bit as that's her day off. His dad we would maybe see every other weekend for a coffee and full sit down visit and my dad I like to see once a week on the weekend or something. Both our parents are split up so that makes it harder to field visits. Tbh I just play it by ear, if there's a day I just want to chill I won't invite anyone round but if there's a weekend where we're up for being social we'll arrange something. We're lucky in that our family generally wait for us to make the first move. You can always time it so baby needs a nap at 2pm say and get them to come 1230/1 so it's a good excuse to keep the visit short and get them in and out quickly without impacting your day and time with baby