How often do you allow visits?

[KM38]

I’m on Mat Leave, DH works offshore (3 weeks away/3weeks home rotation). Baby is now 6m, started weaning and trying to establish a bit more of a routine to his day.

With restrictions easing I’m starting to feel the constant pressure from family members for visits. Obviously it’s important for baby to start being around people more and it is a huge priority for us but I’m really trying to find a balance between time on our own to establish a routine and time with other family members around.

If my sister comes round she’s incredibly respectful of routine and will do bits and pieces to help out - maybe wash bottles while I’m putting DS down for his nap etc. I never ask, she just does which is lovely and really appreciated.
All other family expect a full sit down visit. Me making teas and coffees, baby fed and well rested for them arriving for maximum playtime etc 🙄

So how often do you let family visit? Baby’s GPs, aunties/uncles, cousins etc?

You have a lot to juggle as a new parent It’s difficult if your in laws and your own parents aren’t picking up the signals clearly about giving you space and time. This should all be about you and your baby, not them, although clearly it is lovely they are so keen to be close to their grandchild. Is it their first ?

With your parents who do you find easiest to talk to ? Can you have a heart to heart with your mum/ dad and explain how you feel ? Try and come to some mutually happy arrangement with them first . Then do the same with your in law’s - your DH could do it but honestly as you are the one at home I think it would be better if it were you, unless your DH feels he has a very close relationship with his mum or dad and can explain - assuming he understands the problem himself ! It’s hard for grandparents not to be besotted and to only see themselves on this - there will be a lot of emotion here - so do try to talk to them , and be very firm with them about timings , before it gets too overwhelming for you and you snap! Also just stop with the teas and coffees etc - you are not a cafe ! Especially if you are on your own. Ask for some help from them. My family lived miles away and I would have loved to have them - but my neighbour - family all close - resorted to putting a sign on her door after 2 weeks saying ‘ no visitors apart from midwife /health visitor ‘. You sound like you are being very good with them and they are being a little bit selfish to be honest, it is hard to be assertive as a new mum but try with your own parents first and see how it goes. Good luck.

They sound really annoying saying didn't he nap for their visit, like they've forgotten what parenting is like. That would piss me off and I would tell them when to visit in future re timings

People who come round and help or at least make their own tea, weekly or more. People who expect to be catered for and do disappointed face when baby needs a feed/sleep can fuck off as little as possible. I think whilst routine isn't everything you do need your visitors to accept that baby comes first and will inevitably need things during visits that detract from their expectations for cuddles etc. I just carry on as normal if we have these sort of visitors. For some people being out and about and doing lots with a baby works, personally I needed to sort out in my head what the hell I was doing before gaining the confidence to go out more/have sit down visits more often. If you aren't feeling up to it then just say no, blame tiredness or teething or something if you need an excuse.

I usually see both sets of parents once or twice a week - I prefer to go to their houses because I can leave when I want and they have biscuits. Normally get a glass of wine at PIL so they're my favourite Other friends & family we usually see 1-2 a month but often out in the park as we've all got similar age children and it's easier than having your house wrecked by small children (even pre Covid).

I wouldn't think anything of telling DP/DPIL to put the kettle on in my house if I was sorting the kids out - they all know where the mugs are. Equally I quite enjoy disappearing to the kitchen to make the teas while they entertain the children for me. We're all pretty relaxed re schedules and what the kids are doing but if some one is making shitty comments I can see why it feels like an imposition.

If I was at home all day long on my own with a baby I would let visitors come whenever they liked! Sounds like you’ve began to enjoy your own company a bit too much.
It will be good for the baby to get used to seeing different people and will be a nice for you if husband working away.
As long as they respect babies routine don’t expect you to wake baby up if it’s nap time etc

@marymay62 Yeah you’re right, I just need to have a good talk to them about being more respectful of routine etc 😊 DH definitely understands the problem! It’s not so much an issue when he’s home as he drives so we visit them and can leave when we like. But when he’s at work it’s a different story 🙈
Yes he’s the first GC for everyone so I really do understand that it’s exciting with lockdown lifting and they just want to build a relationship with him!

@bishbashbosh99 @InpatientGardener He’s the first baby in the family for 18 years so he’s a big novelty at the moment I guess! It really is lovely for him to have so many people wanting to spend time, I just need to be far more assertive and tell them what I expect in terms of times etc.
I think that’s what’s annoying me @Chickenlickeninthepot - it’s just the comments! Eg, MIL was round the other day and brought us lunch. Lovely thing to do and I was really grateful. Told her DS would likely need a nap sometime around 1.30/2ish. She wanted to eat lunch around 2. He starts getting cranky and rubbing the eyes just after 1.45 so I say I’m off to get him settled and will be back - and she starts with digs about how I should be waiting until after her and I have eaten lunch before tending to him. “He’ll be fine for a while! Just leave him. You’ll ruin the lunch I’ve brought!”. As far as I’m concerned, he comes first. If I have to eat lunch a bit later then so be it 🤷🏻‍♀️

@chickywoo Definitely don’t enjoy my company too much! This past year I’ve spent more time alone than I ever have in my life with being pregnant and furloughed during lockdown & DH worked longer stints away during my pregnancy to build up time owed to extend his time off when baby was born. So it was literally me, pregnant and alone 80% of the time from March-October 😓 then obviously we’ve still been in lockdown and DS is almost 6m old!
I’ve never been as lonely in my life than I have been this past year. It’s lovely to have company that are respectful of what I have going on at home - but I feel the need to find a good balance as most are not respectful. Most expect to arrive to a perfectly content, fed, well rested baby who is ready for them to get maximum interaction.

OP, I have a 4 month old, and I understand the frustration. I didn't want this myself, so from day 1, I've blamed covid as to why I can't have loads of visitors all day long. There's been a bit of huff and puff about it, but generally, it's the best excuse I have had.

About the grandparents, I have made it very clear to both sets that when they come over, they come to help. So I give them baby and go for a nap. Or baby needs feeding can they please go make formula. But they are very happy to help out. Have you asked them for help? Or do they just come to play and go home? I bet if you gave them the baby and went for a nap, the number of visits would drop significantly 😂

But in seriousness OP, your priority is your baby. Be firm, yes this is his nap time. This is his feeding time. If they come late, tough, that was the visiting hours available.

Don't make this stage any more difficult than it already is by just bowing to their demands and leaving you with an overtired, hungry, cranky baby. Dont allow them to be selfish.

Also, complain about how last time they came, the baby was overtired so you didn't get much sleep.. You have learned your lesson, that won't happen again.. Ha. Ha. Ha. And let them get the hint.

Or when you put baby down for a nap, say you're having a rest too. Here's the TV remote.

When you allow the visits to go the way you want them to, they will probably start visiting less, or the visits will be less stressful for you.

@Dontjumptoconclusions Yeah I’ve been the same with using Covid. It’s only in the last couple of weeks that we’ve allowed immediate family to start visiting and this is the stage we’ve reached already 😐 I know they’re excited but it’s too much! Honestly, I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving DS with any of them. He’s 6m old and still really unsure around people after having so little contact with anyone other than me (and DH when he’s home) and constantly looks around for me for reassurance when he’s with other people 😓 that’s why I’m trying to be reasonable and let them visit as much as I can because I know how much he needs it but I’m trying to find a balance that suits us all. They’re not interested in helping...they’re strictly here to play and then leave. Definitely not bowing to their demands, hence all the comments from them. They’re definitely “he’s a baby, he can wait” type people whereas I’m firmly “baby comes first” - another reason why I’m not really comfortable leaving him with them and taking myself off for a rest etc.

I just need to start being far stricter and stop giving them any room to moan to be fair. I’ll be starting that this week. “You can visit at x time, but DS will be going down for his nap around x so it won’t be a long visit”.

Every day visits from GPs sounds excessive to me, but then we lived a distance from our parents so would see them every few months. I know they are partly playing catch up because of lockdown, but still. Also, I don't know where you live but are you meant to be having various family members visiting? I would still be using that excuse to limit the number of visits if you don't want people visiting every day.

What happens when you want to do other things during the day? Will you be going back to work, what will happen then?

@ineedaholidaynow We’re in Scotland so definitely not supposed to be having different visitors everyday. In the last couple of weeks DH and I have noticed DS become more and more upset when coming into contact with other people (eg, my sister meeting us for a walk, or when I popped to the pharmacy and the girls gave him some attention - but basically any other contact with people he was getting distressed) so we made the decision that we would allow both sets of GPs, my sister and his sister to visit us at home a bit earlier than restrictions allow - with my thinking that it would maybe be once a week each or whatever but they’ve all jumped on it and are expecting endless visits (they’re not getting them btw, it’s just a never ending stream of texts trying to book times to see him!). Definitely still conscious of Covid. DH has has access to unlimited lateral flow tests through work so brought a batch home and family have been testing twice a week just to try and minimise the risk where we can.

I was actually supposed to be starting back at work in July after my paid Mat leave ends, going back PT and family looking after DS but we’ve decided that I’ll now take the unpaid portion of my Mat leave too until October as I don’t think I’ll feel comfortable leaving DS by July and I worry that he won’t be comfortable enough around other people by then!

A visit like your sister - probably quite often would be fine (several times a week).

A visit like the rest of the family - once a week.

I’m not sure I’d be hosting every time, this also gives you easier opportunity to leave (than shoo people out of your house) when you are ready to go.

@Crustybreadandbutter Yeah I’d be happy with those visits 😊

I don’t drive unfortunately so no option but to host at the moment while DH is away at work. On his weeks home we’ll go and visit rather that them coming to us.

Why don't you go to their house and expect a "sit down visit" rather than then coming to you?
How many sets of people is it? Could you arrange a set time each week when they visit, rather than being at their beck and call. Maybe organise a baby class for a few hours later, so they don't outstay their welcome?

But to answer your question I "allow" grandparents to visit as often as they want because I get on with my parents and in laws and they don't overdo it or expect me to run around after them, but if your situation is different then limiting visits seems sensible.

He’s 6m old and still really unsure around people after having so little contact with anyone other than me (and DH when he’s home) and constantly looks around for me for reassurance when he’s with other people
To be fair that is pretty common in 6 month old babies, even without covid.

Hi,
My babies loved having a routine and I found it much easier as a mum to have my day organised. If you LIKE having the routine then don't feel guilty about trying to stick to it. I found both my kids became grumpy and overtired if I did too many days stretching out their awake time and over stimulating them with visits from friends and family.

Anyway to answer your actual question, I saw DH's parents once or twice a fortnight at this age, they would respect the nap schedule! But yes I did cater for them, although they'd help with little jobs. They absolutely LOVED things like bathing baby and changing baby and feeding baby their mushy baby food and taking baby for a walk in the pram. If your baby can take a nap in the pram, it's lovely to take a walk together with family, they often don't mind the baby being asleep while they visit if they can stare at it in the pram while they push it around. And you can chat to them while you all walk.

You definitely don't need to be abashed about insisting on sticking a bit to routine.

People will comment, sometimes, about how routines are a bad idea, but really it is just what works for you and your baby. Be proud that you know your baby well enough to understand they are happier and more relaxed with a bit of a routine in place.

Plan out your typical week. One afternoon at mum & baby group, one seeing friends/sister/mum, two just you & ds, one for house cleaning.
That leaves two afternoons a week for visiting while your dh is away.
And can you go to them, so you choose the time, and aren't always the one making teas and clearing up?

If you don't want to give baby to GPS, that's fair enough, but don't forget the other stuff you can do, like whilst you're feeding him or putting him to be "GP, can you help with the dishes, put bins out etc coz I've been so tired".

But some responses, you can play them back. Eg, if GP doesn't want the food to get cold "oh it looks so delicious even cold I'm sure ill still love it!" or if he's tired "you guys have worn him out already! Come on, time for nap DS!" pick him up and leave. Try and think of some pretty good responses to the usual crap you get. If they are disappointed that they can't play more "oh I know! He's always Napping at this age!" leave it as that. No sorry. No suggestion to solve the problem (like next time come on time!), but just polite acknowledgment.

I personally don't believe in the "sit down discussion" because if they don't care that baby needs a nap at x time, they probably won't understand and will be offended (or the situation will go back to normal after a few visits".

Didn’t he nap for us coming😂😂😂😂 some people forget babies are not little robots that do everything to a plan all of the time 😂😂😂😂

Whatever you are comfortable with.
If you have lots of people wanting to visit every week you'll always struggle to find balance and have to limit it. It's worst when they are small as they change so fast so people are more interested. Be firm about times and days you are happy for visits, if they can't work around you they can't come simple as that. I wouldn't allow visitors every day either as that's a bit much for my liking.

I don't mind visitors so long as they don't stay ages. I never get visitors that volunteer to help but I like things done my way so it's better really. I hate people turning up unannounced the most, my dh is military so away a lot and I have a lot to keep on top of alone and sometimes I just cba and the house looks a tip.

I don't like having people round all the time, prefer to go out and do things. We can't really do more than one thing a day successfully so I stick to that for a start. I like having a couple days a week where we don't have to entertain anyone or have anywhere to 'be' ie. baby class because it means I can use those windows of time to do house stuff (like putting together shelving for the outhouse today!). My friends are all pretty good but my PIL are so formal and expect a proper sit down round the table.