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Original poster

Am I being petty?!

38 replies

mhn1 · 29/04/2021 10:02

Hi all,

My daughter is currently 9 weeks old. She is now past the point of the whole 'newborn and will sleep through pretty much anything' phase that she went through and is becoming a lot more stimulated and interested in everything going on.
So basically, my own parents are able to visit us in afternoons which is not a problem. However, my partner's parents are not able to get to us until 7:30/8pm at night. At first, this was not an issue as my daughter would sleep through. However, now it completely disrupts her and it results in a turbulent night for me (and her!) due to her being overtired. I like to be bathing/bottle/bed at this time.
I have spoken to my partner about it and he's taking it a bit personally but I genuinely don't have a problem with his family at all. We also don't want to be giving up our weekends every week as that's our only quality time together as a new family. Am I being really unreasonable by not wanting visitors this late ?!

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BingBongToTheMoon · 29/04/2021 10:06

No, you’re right.

MissingTheMoonlight · 29/04/2021 10:08

Yanbu

We had a similar issue. It took me a while but I realised I had to prioritise my baby's needs and risk upsetting people by saying no. If you explain yourself they should understand and work around you and baby.

ErrolTheDragon · 29/04/2021 10:11

YANBU. Presumably you're fine with a visit some weekends?

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AnnaSW1 · 29/04/2021 10:15

Bloody hell they should be more considerate of their granddaughter's bedtime.They sound really selfish

KnowlWay · 29/04/2021 10:19

How about suggesting a weekend time that you’ll visit them?
Get your DH to realise it’s causing an issue and once in a while is okay or a special occasion but not each week.

Original poster
mhn1 · 29/04/2021 10:20

They live around 30 mins away and both don't finish work until 6:30pm themselves so I understand why it's late but still. Also we aren't keen on giving up every weekend, which would mean that they'd only get to see her every 2 weeks.
My own family live around the corner so can easily see her 2-3 times a week. My partner thinks this is unfair, but at the same time it can't really be a tally system, it just is how it is!

OP posts:
ReggaetonLente · 29/04/2021 10:24

Ahhh we had this, it was my family trying to come in the evening though. I think you're absolutely right

Aprilshowersandhail · 29/04/2021 10:27

Every 2 weeks is fine...
You don't have to live your lives appeasing them op..

BlueJag · 29/04/2021 10:40

Could you bathe her before they come so it's out of the way and ask them to come after work for a short time?
Our son was in bed by 6:30 7pm so I understand how challenging it is to get visitors.

Mc3209 · 29/04/2021 11:20

YANBU

Bedtime can be tricky without visitors as it is. What I would personally do is just crack on with bedtime routine whether they are there or not. 'Oh look, baby mhn1, how tired you are. Let's get you settled for bed. MIL/PIL help yourselves to some snacks there, I will be down shortly for a cuppa'. They should get a hint quickly, if they won't understand direct friendly request.

Mrsjayy · 29/04/2021 11:25

You need to find acompromise or your DD dad will start to feel resentful and the baby is just weeks old,your family will be seen as "priority" by him and his parents.you honestly can't have it all your way Is the solution seeing the other grandparents ever y other weekend whilst your mum pops round 3 times a week?

Mrsjayy · 29/04/2021 11:27

What would your compromise be ?

Original poster
mhn1 · 29/04/2021 11:31

We live in a flat at the moment so it's difficult to settle her completely away from the noise unfortunately :(
I'm not sure what the compromise could be... I understand it's going to end up unfair with the families but should I be putting their needs before my daughter's? It's not just my night it interrupts, but it's hers too.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 29/04/2021 11:36

You could set aside a Wednesday evening so they could visit and maybe see them a Sunday afternoon at theirs or something.i get the evenings are sacred and the baby was being asleep is a godsend but I do think you and your Dh need to come up with a plan because a rigid no I's just going to set up the paternal grandparents as second best.

Radio4Rocks · 29/04/2021 11:37

YABU if you don't want to see them at the weekend instead.

MustBeTheWine · 29/04/2021 11:37

YANBU

smsc23 · 29/04/2021 11:43

I can completely appreciate how frustrating this must be especially when trying to set out a routine. Could you not involve them by having one set evening a week after work where they could help with the bedtime bath etc and eventually they could do it themselves? You might find the one evening a week them doing it is a great rest for you to enjoy a cuppa or your dinner or even just to catch up with DP.

LilacSloth · 29/04/2021 11:44

Having visitors during the week in the evening does not sound very sensible but I think you are being a little precious about your weekends. Surely seeing them for a few hours at the weekend is okay and the three of you have the rest of the weekend for 'family time'? They could visit you every fortnight or so and your dh could take the baby to them for a couple of hours on a Saturday/Sunday morning and give you a couple of hours to yourself?

Abouttimemum · 29/04/2021 11:48

I agree entirely. They can come at that time at night if they like but they wouldn’t be seeing my baby as he’d be asleep!

Abouttimemum · 29/04/2021 11:52

Also FYI both of our parents live 30 mins away, my parents aren’t an issue as they’re retired and flexible but DH father is basically housebound and can’t travel. DH takes DS over once every few weeks early on a Sunday on his own, and then we go together as well for an hour some weekend and then go off and do something else the 3 of us. You do have to make an effort I’m afraid. No reason why you can’t meet them somewhere for a walk or spare a couple of hours every other weekend.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 29/04/2021 11:56

I'd let them get involved in the bedtime routine. Helping with the bath or giving the last bottle sounds like a lovely way for them to interact with the baby.

Original poster
mhn1 · 29/04/2021 12:17

Thanks for all your replies. I think weekends are going to have to be the compromise here but obviously if there's a weekend in particular we want just the three of us, then it'll be that way.

Being totally honest, I'm not ready to leave her with anyone else yet. She's also quite a difficult baby when it comes to feeding due to several issues and it's something me and my partner have only just got the hang of ourselves.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 12:19

Honestly I think you do need to find a compromise, you can’t say every option is a no go but allow your parents through the door two to three times a week. I can see why he’s upset by it.

Looneytune253 · 29/04/2021 12:39

Come on, yabvvu if you don't want the visits in the evening and they're trying really hard you have to let them have something at the weekend!! Seems like they're trying really hard to be part of lo life.

Looneytune253 · 29/04/2021 12:40

Are you in the uk though? Obv still not really allowed indoor visits so that could be a good enough reason to pause visits. You would prob have to pause both sets of parents tho just temporarily

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