Very aggressive 2.4 year old

[OverTheRainbow88]

I need advice please. My 2.4 year old is very aggressive. Apparently he’s not aggressive at nursery where he is 3 days a week.

He bites me and his older brother, throws things at us, hits, pulls hair and kicks. The other day at a farm he kicked a chicken. He’ll run up to a stranger and kick them and laugh

He’s very verbal and can talk remarkably well for his age; he’s a happy chappy, has a crazy amount of energy, on non nursery days he’s out running around about 6 hours a day.

His diet isn’t ideal but is varied and has lots of healthy food. Some ‘sugary’ foods in the week like cake or ice cream.

I don’t know what to do when he hurts people. I try time out, he doesn’t seem to care, I tell him
No and try and move him away, he laughs. It’s hard not to get angry back, which I know would be terrible.

I wonder if he has a behaviour problem? His elder siblings/cousins haven’t behaved like this.

I agree kicking animals/people is totally unacceptable and also worrying behaviour.

@lostitall
I disagree I keep making excuses, I just explained why in that moment I didn’t take him home.

I’ve also considered adhd and will read up on it more and keep an eye out, may request a 2 year review with HV.

I wonder if it’s an attention thing as his behaviour is often worse when his sibling is around.

@Foxhasbigsocks

Thanks for the link. The checklist describes him perfectly. Apart from the hoping on one leg by 4.

I’m glad it was helpful. I had correctly identified that my child was neurodivergent by 1! Then I just had to wait for everyone else to believe me!

I used to practice a gentle guidance approach with my kids but have learned from bitter experience that where kids may have ADHD or ASD the best thing is to let that possibility inform how you handle them right from the start. Sanctions need to be very calm, but VERY firm and immediate and extremely consistent.

No two year old has fully developed empathy or a natural understanding of right and wrong but your firm responses (including removal) will teach him to inhibit his behaviour as he will want the positive outcomes. You have to be very determined as IME ND children can take a lot longer to learn to control impulses than NT dc, for obvious reasons.

I would definitely speak to hv and gp

I should say as well, which I’m sure you do already that it’s vital to catch them being good - when not misbehaving and celebrate their little achievements (amazing jumping/fast running) etc etc. If he does have ND he will end up being told not to do things a lot and focussing on strengths is really important for self esteem, which I’m sure you already know from your professional background.

@Foxhasbigsocks

Thank you, all very helpful. I do try to focus on his good behaviour, maybe too much 🤣.

I do wonder why he behaves so well at nursery and with my parents though if it is adhd. He’s been at nursery since one, 3 days a week. And it’s a small nursery so under 2 room was 3 workers and 9 kids. I would have thought they might have raised some concerns by now. Which makes me wonder if he’s just not behaving for me and his dad?

I will call HV and nursery for a chat, try and be much firmer and remove from situations when badly behaved and be consistent.

Well the behaving in some situations and not others made me wonder about “masking” or different structures affecting behaviour. I think it’s quite common for ND children to exhibit different behaviour in different settings. Certainly v common with ASD.

My dc is the other way round - angelic at home but struggles at school. It might be that they have an incredibly structured set up at nursery or that he complies there but that’s so hard for him that he runs wild at home?

Sounds like very good planning - it’s a shame dc don’t come with a manual. I wish I’d approached things differently when my dc was a toddler but feel like I more or less got there in the end.

Just re-read your last post - yes I was also doing too much celebrating! So dc was very secure but like you are saying I suddenly realised I needed to up the discipline!!

I have to say that I think the tone of this thread is really harsh and judgey. There are some lovely and supportive posts, but I think quite a few are lacking in empathy about how difficult and upsetting it is when you’re struggling with a toddler.
For what it’s worth, my two and a half year olds can also be wild as well as being kind and well mannered. He sometimes kicks out cat and tells her to ‘go away’. Last weekend he also threw stones at a stranger on a walk. Like OP, I’m a bit taken aback with it as I’m a teacher, actually a SENCO, am very experienced in putting behaviour plans together. It’s really stressful and embarrassing to find your child doing these things.
I actually think you did the right thing not leaving the farm. I agree with you about not punishing the older child. One idea I’ve had, is maybe taking the pushchair as a tone out space. Sounds like yours, like mine, wants to be running about on his own, so being put in the pram is a sort of mobile time out and still allows the older one the freedom he needs and deserves. I also go with a sort of restorative justice approach as much as possible. So he apologises to the cat and picks up anything he’s thrown. Mine does throw and push at nursery too (as well as being absolutely delightful 95% of the time) and me and the teacher just talk and share what we’ve tried.
All I can say is that it’s obvious from this post that you are a kind and loving mum (who quite clearly does not condone animal cruelty) and that you’re feeling your way with a tricky child in a way that suits your educational philosophy and the needs of the rest of your family. I think the less harsh but more explanation based approaches work better long term but are slower in the short term.
Sending you much sympathy and not many ideas, sorry.

Also, sorry, forgot to say, that I do get cross with mine and this seems to work a bit as he retells events with ‘I push X mummy say ‘no’ mummy cross’ type narratives. There’s lots of love and praise but it doesn’t serve him well if I react calmly to awful things because he needs to see the full range of human emotion to understand what makes people happy and sad etc. That’s different to when you feel like throwing something back at them and you can recognise in yourself a lack of control, in that case, best to work really hard on keeping a controlled angry response and finding a way for you to get a minute to yourself to calm down as soon as you can. I feel like that too sometimes, we all do, or at least those of us with kids who are just a bit harder than most. Good luck.

@AutumnVibes

Thank you for your kindness and suggestions.

there is now way he will be considered as being adhd at this age as many of these behaviours are not present all the time (so he can behave when boundaries are in place at nursery for instance) and also many are typical for a two year old boy
I'm talking from a professional perspective as well. And trust me I'm not being judgy as my youngest child was a nightmare for constant climbing jumping running and meltdowns however the line was totally and absolutely drawn at violence towards others let alone animals

@lostitall I agree - absolutely not saying he has adhd but a lot of parents of neurodivergent kids including me could see signs very young. It is something to be aware of as a possibility but far too young to diagnose

In that situation I would have bundled your DS into a pushchair and kept him there no matter how much he screamed or tantrumed.

So today my parents have having my eldest for the day and I’m going to spend the whole day 1-1 with the youngest. Will go to different places and if he’s badly behaved will leave. Wish me luck!

@OverTheRainbow88 let us know how you get on!

I actually managed a decent walk with my toddler the other day and felt so good for it, even if I did have to let her bring a bag of popcorn along...

Good luck @OverTheRainbow88 been there and rooting for you!

In case it helps my once violent dc hasn’t had any violence now for 3 years - so it can definitely stop

“aliensprig

Jesus what is wrong with some of the posters on this thread?! Bollocking a 2.4 yo for behaving essentially like a typical toddler? He doesn't understand what he's doing is wrong and has no impulse control. There is a vast amount of new research on this. All behaviour good or bad is communication - he is likely feeling overwhelmed, hungry, tired, thirsty or needing connection / attention and doesn't know how to communicate this so it manifests as anger and violence. Read Sarah Ockwell-Smith's Gentle Discipline book, very informative. Good luck op.“

This.
The book @alienspring mentioned is well worth reading too, OP.

Overtherainbow88
“I wonder if it’s an attention thing as his behaviour is often worse when his sibling is around.”

It could be.

As another said, if his behaviour is symptomatic of adhd etc, why is it he is fine at nursery? He wouldn’t be capable of behaving differently at nursery.

The book Gentle Discipline is not about not disciplining your child, by the way.

That isn’t true about adhd - certainly my child behaves very differently in different settings. Sometimes dc work very hard to control themselves in certain settings so it comes out more elsewhere. Also if nursery has a very structured setting with clear consequences there may be different triggers

His nursery isn’t structured at all; it’s probably the most laid back place in the world, they have free flow in and out all day and from what I gather they don’t appear to have any structure except snack and food time.

Today was a hard day, he’s pushed the boundaries all day, screamed for an hour when taken home from playground for poor behaviour. Wouldn’t touch his dinner so I said no TV and then another hour of screaming.

I feel drained and ready for a drink.

Poor you, I feel for you.

Now he’ll be tired and hungry too.
Maybe having something he will eat then getting cuddly with a book would help now?

Sounds like you've set really effective boundaries today OP despite him pushing back a bit. It will take some time but will get there.