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Parenting

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Original poster

Very aggressive 2.4 year old

79 replies

OverTheRainbow88 · 28/04/2021 16:46

I need advice please. My 2.4 year old is very aggressive. Apparently he’s not aggressive at nursery where he is 3 days a week.

He bites me and his older brother, throws things at us, hits, pulls hair and kicks. The other day at a farm he kicked a chicken. He’ll run up to a stranger and kick them and laugh

He’s very verbal and can talk remarkably well for his age; he’s a happy chappy, has a crazy amount of energy, on non nursery days he’s out running around about 6 hours a day.

His diet isn’t ideal but is varied and has lots of healthy food. Some ‘sugary’ foods in the week like cake or ice cream.

I don’t know what to do when he hurts people. I try time out, he doesn’t seem to care, I tell him
No and try and move him away, he laughs. It’s hard not to get angry back, which I know would be terrible.

I wonder if he has a behaviour problem? His elder siblings/cousins haven’t behaved like this.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

baldafrique · 28/04/2021 19:57

A bollocking is entirely appropriate in this situation!

trying29 · 28/04/2021 20:02

This sounds really hard. My second son was similar - we found his behaviour was particularly bad when he had had sugary snacks. Could you maybe try taking those away ?
I sympathise though - I can imagine how hard the farm trip was

Amammai · 28/04/2021 20:02

Could you keep a diary of when he has these outbursts and see if you can track what might be the triggers? E.g is it when he’s tired/hungry or when he doesn’t get his own way or doesn’t understand something. If you can start to see a pattern you might then be able to preempt the unwanted behaviour and distract him etc. It would also give you a starting point to talk to your HV or GP if you decided you wanted more support.

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lostitall · 28/04/2021 20:07

You need to leave the situation immediately brother or no brother. Kids this age need short effective punishment at the time they can't understand delayed punishments. I know you didn't want his brother to miss out but you effectively condoned him kicking a live animal and that's appalling

Stressedtoddlermum · 28/04/2021 20:15

What are his naps like? Does he sleep well at night?

Stressedtoddlermum · 28/04/2021 20:18

I agree I probably would have left, and made a plan to treat your eldest for having to miss out. It’s not easy though to know what to do. I often feel out of control with my DD (3 in July) She isn’t aggressive but does try to run away from me and it’s a real struggle to know how to handle it.

Foxhasbigsocks · 28/04/2021 20:21

Toddlers are absolutely not easy and it takes time to learn to parent dc who are outwith the behavioural norm. My dc had different struggles which made her hard to parent.

loadofcrap10 · 28/04/2021 20:22

This post has really shocked me. You have, effectively, shown him it's OK to kick animals.
What do you propose to do if he kicks a dog one day that then turns on him in response??
Imagine if that dog was then ordered to be euthanized because you as a parent have enabled that behaviour......

Wallywobbles · 28/04/2021 20:23

You should have left. And returned without your LO on another day. Explaining to LO he cannot come because he was cruel and badly behaved. And these are the consequences of poor behavior.

Original poster

OverTheRainbow88 · 28/04/2021 20:26

I appreciate all your comments.

I don’t think he has any asd traits. He talks well and can articulate what he wants.

He doesn’t sleep well at night, he never has, and has an hour ish nap a day.

A diary is a good idea, I will try this, thank you.

He mainly behaves terribly at home. So when out and about (apart from the chicken kicking incident) he tends to be ok. But I guess that’s because he’s usually just running/scootering etc and playing in play grounds.

At home is the disaster time, he’ll throw heavy toys at me/sibling. Pull hair etc. I try and avoid being at home with him really, which is tiring!

OP posts:

Original poster

OverTheRainbow88 · 28/04/2021 20:27

@loadofcrap10

Well I didn’t just pretend the incident didn’t happen; I moved him away from the animals and told him off, whilst allowing his brother to stay with the animals.

I never allow him to go up to dogs on his own: as am very aware he may kick them.

OP posts:

TooStressyTooMessy · 28/04/2021 20:28

Oh OP it can be so difficult . Your post brought back memories of taking my two kids places, the younger misbehaving and then having to decide whether to leave so the older then ended up missing out. I do appreciate the guilt. What helped with that, at least slightly, was having a plan in place for an alternative treat for my eldest. So if we did have to leave I could at least soften the blow for the one who didn’t misbehave (eg with a favourite TV show, a film they wanted to watch, even a toy if I knew it was a big outing they were missing out on). Helped with my own stress a little at least!

aliensprig · 28/04/2021 20:29

Jesus what is wrong with some of the posters on this thread?! Bollocking a 2.4 yo for behaving essentially like a typical toddler? He doesn't understand what he's doing is wrong and has no impulse control. There is a vast amount of new research on this. All behaviour good or bad is communication - he is likely feeling overwhelmed, hungry, tired, thirsty or needing connection / attention and doesn't know how to communicate this so it manifests as anger and violence. Read Sarah Ockwell-Smith's Gentle Discipline book, very informative. Good luck op.

Heyha · 28/04/2021 20:36

Doesn't sound to me like he is angry when he is doing these things @aliensprig he is making a choice for his amusement because nobody has modelled right and wrong to him.

As a secondary school teacher it is all too easy to spot children whose families have gone all in the behaviour-communication trope and avoided setting boundaries in the process.

Good luck OP, if you get on top of it now at this age I'm sure your DS will develop into a lovely sparky little boy.

NatalieH2220 · 28/04/2021 20:41

What happens when he does those things? At home or out and about? I think the fact this doesn't happen at nursery is key and would lead me to think it's not a behavioural issue but more testing his limits.

When you say he doesn't care about time about what does that mean exactly?

The chicken and stranger comment is concerning and whilst it's very unfair on his brother I agree, he should not have been able to stay as he won't learn to change if there are no consequences especially for something quite serious.

I think biting, kicking and throwing things at you/siblings is more a normal toddler stage and I've always worked on a three warning basis. Anything physical like biting or hitting though is straight to the step. Sometimes 3 minutes on the step has turned into half an hour or more after the repeated up and downs. He also does not get to leave until he's ready to apologise. My son is now 4 and I don't remember the last time I used the step.

Foxhasbigsocks · 28/04/2021 20:49

I think gentle discipline is great in theory but relies on a lot of inferential understanding from the child which not all kids have. For some children direct and clear guidance absolutely is necessary.

Op if it doesn’t sound like Asd have you considered adhd? Very physical? Even more limited impulse control than the average toddler? I think he’s too young for it to be at all clear, but maybe worth keeping an eye on?

Foxhasbigsocks · 28/04/2021 20:53

My own child is pending an adhd dx - should have said

rainbowfairydust · 28/04/2021 20:54

It's a tricky age, I think younger siblings can be harder with behaviour issues. One thing that helped when my 3 year old entered the terrible 2s was getting a selection of sandtimers off amazon with times on... I use them for time out and I hold my son on the step until he will stay there for the timer to start. It basically allowed me to get back some control as he wanted to call all the shots and I couldn't get him to do simple things. Now we maybe use the timer a few times a week for him to calm down and as a warning to stop bad behaviour. You could take the timers out with you and even take him back to the car and put him in the car seat and set the timer near him on occasions like the chicken and stranger kicking stuff. Alongside that, I'd also introduce a reward chart with an easy goal to start with, 4 stickers a day for example, for getting dressed, doing teeth, etc. Then put on there no pulling hair etc. Give a small chocolate coin at the end of each day if he gets all 4 stickers etc.
Terrible 3s and tiresome 3s are hard work but don't take it personally!

baldafrique · 28/04/2021 20:59

Kicking a chicken is now normal toddler behaviour?!

Foxhasbigsocks · 28/04/2021 21:00

It absolutely isn’t

baldafrique · 28/04/2021 21:02

Quite. I cant believe some parents would barely tell their toddler off for this. No wonder they behave like that. Also surprised a toddler would want to kick an animal tbh.

Maggiesfarm · 28/04/2021 21:07

There is nothing wrong with you being angry. Anger does not equal losing control, it can be channelled.

Your son is still very little but soon he'll be old enough to take on board that some behaviour is unacceptable.

tenlittlecygnets · 28/04/2021 21:12

Hmm. Kicking strangers? Watch out that one doesn't turn round and kick your ds right back.

It does sound like you need to be much firmer with him. Take him and your other ds home if he is aggressive, explain what you're doing to your older ds, then do something nice with older ds later so he doesn't feel put out? Or only take him to a farm etc with another adult so one of you can take ds home if you have to?

Foxhasbigsocks · 28/04/2021 21:18

Op on the ADHD front I think this might be useful to read www.kennedykrieger.org/stories/Is-it-adhd-or-typical-toddler-behavior-ten-early-signs-adhd-risk-preschool-age-children

Absolutely not saying he has adhd, but as a parent of an ND dc I think early awareness is incredibly helpful.

lostitall · 28/04/2021 22:44

Honestly you keep making excuses as to why you can't possibly discipline a child for hurting living creatures
I think we have to pick our battles generally but violence is an absolute bottom line that you need to be coming down harsh on

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