I hate mornings with my son

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I can't stand schoolday mornings with my son (age 6). He spends so much time dicking around and having screaming, door-slamming tantrums. Tantrums mostly arise because we don't agree to make every aspect of him getting ready into a game. I race him to get dressed most mornings (which he loves), but I'm not going to do something similar for every aspect of the morning routine, especially when I have to get myself ready too.

Today we were on track to leave on time but then when it came to getting shoes on, he spent 20 minutes throwing himself into his dad, crawling about on the floor, making stupid noises, following me about to show me infinite "somethings", demanding that we drag him across the floor or carry him around...

Is it too much to expect him to get his shoes on without 20 minutes of faffing around and fussing? It's extremely frustrating, especially when my partner and I are both trying to get ourselves ready then start work (from home).

He is happy at school and enjoys himself, so that's not the issue. I have one-to-one time with him most mornings chatting at breakfast, and sometimes he'll lie in bed with me for a few minutes before I get up (ok, he's unable to be still, so he spends most of the time crawling over me, tickling me, blowing in my face, licking me, and I spend most of the time telling him to stop... tbh I hate him coming into bed with me because of this).

Do we need to introduce some sort of unhurried, connecting activity each morning?? I'm at a loss. Any suggestions?

Forgot to mention - he earns 10min of weekend video game time by doing a particular thing (weeing sitting down - a whole other story that I don't want to get into!), so this morning I said I'd remove 10min of his time if he didn't get his shoes on. This enraged him, of course (and he punched the fruit in the fruit bowl?!?) but he did eventually comply.

I don't want to have to get him to do what he needs to do by using threats though, or have to introduce anymore rewards...

I have three kids and it’s the same. My youngest is often grumpy in the morning and will kick off at absolutely anything. My middle child is so freaking slow at doing anything, but god help me if I ask her to go a bit faster, and my eldest is a nightmare to get up. It drives me crazy!! I have no idea, but I feel it helps to emotionally detach from it all. I think they are reacting because I’m reacting if that makes sense. So, pretend you are someone else, be businesslike and set a timer. Don’t react to any tantrums. Oh, and add 15 minutes buffer time. If you have to leave at 8.30, plan to leave at 8.15.

I'd tell him if he has a tantrum or carries on messing around he's going to school with no shoes on and can explain to his teacher the reason why.
I have a five year old and imo they're old enough to understand when they need to stop the games and do something sensibly. You're not asking for much for him to put his shoes on!

Well at six, no it’s totally not an unreasonable expectation to expect to him to be more independent at getting ready and not to have to indulge him in a complete charade every morning. And there definitely should be some boundaries in place to stop him clambering all over you, that’s not on.

When the five year old I nanny for was pissing about in the morning and mornings were a total nightmare as a result, he had a visual list of all the things he had to do in order to get ready, and a sticker for everything he completed by himself in a timely manner without help. 5 stickers= one ‘gem’ for the jar (plastic gems off Amazon, when the jar is full he gets a reward) If he was dicking about I’d simply walk away, if that meant he ran out of time to have a nice breakfast and had to eat toast from a piece of kitchen roll while hurrying to school then on his head be it. I also get him to put out his own clothes/shoes and pack his book bag the night before.

You have my sympathies I've just had exactly this rant to another school mum this morning! My eldest is a nightmare to get out of bed, middle child will tantrum, moan, argue to toss about anything and HATES walking to school which I only ask him to do twice a week when i'm off work so that is another daily argument. The youngest requires a lot of help with dressing etc so do this whilst arguing with the other two. Hate school mornings!

My DS(6) has similar tendencies, although less extreme. I have decided playful parenting can fuck off - it only encourages and validates the dicking around.

He's welcome in my bed if he is there to rest or chat. When the crawling and pestering starts? OUT.

I will not be "racing" or saying "ooh - I bet you can't put your own socks on! You CAN?! SO CLEVER!". Fuck all of that - he is not a toddler. We all have enough to be doing in the morning without that.

I leave a realistic amount of time, I put out his clothes, I give him time reminders, I don't serve controversial food for breakfast, and he gets to watch some TV if he makes a reasonable effort to get himself ready.

It's not perfect but it is manageable. If your DS has is happy at school but is behaving this way regularly, it might be worth looking a bit deeper at anxiety or developmental issues.

Yeah, the playful parenting indulgence can do one at that age. ‘Mine’ still makes his mum pretend he’s a formula one driver in a pit stop with full commentary when he needs his hair washed he has the mother of all tantrums until she does it. I came up with that when he was two. Buggered if I’m doing it now, he gets a hair wash tantrum or no, if he squirms then water goes in his eyes 🤷🏻‍♀️

He’s likely tired. He’s attention seeking. He’s barely been in school this year and last year was a washout too. I find my DC have less stamina than they had pre-Covid. They’ve spent most of the last two academic years at home, with barely a month back in school since Xmas. It’s not easy but the school routine has become unfamiliar with them having so much time off. Don’t accept bad behaviour but cut them some slack. Children don’t wake up wanting to have a bad day. Something is triggering the behaviour.

I have a 7 yr old and that behaviour sounds absolutely ridiculous! All my kids get up watch a bit of tv and get ready... I have tea get ready and will not tolerate being followed around, hassled or any other form of not focusing on what needs to be done to leave the house on time and calm!

I’m sure my DS (nearly 6) would do that if he could, and he can be a total faffer getting ready.

What’s worked for us is allowing screen time once he’s ready. Fortunately he will transition off the screen time easily enough when it’s time to leave, so it depends if that’s an issue for you. Lots of reminders and basically time built in for the messing around and super slow putting on of shoes. I just tell him to get dressed and brush his teeth and he goes and does it, there’s no racing me or excessive praise or anything. We still have to do that a bit with our 3.5 year old, but she’s pretty compliant so no way could I deal with it from DS too

Also if he’s not ready I just open the front door and start walking out. That speeds him up. I do find it a lot easier on the days when DH takes the younger one to nursery on his way to work as then there’s no audience to play up to

When I say time built in for messing about, I mean 5 min. I know we have to leave the house at 8.45 so at 8.40 I tell him to switch off iPad and go get his shoes and coat on. That way I’m not stressed by him taking ages and I think me being calm makes him more calm. I wouldn’t tolerate it taking too long though, but it’s not like when I leave the house and I’m ready in 10 seconds

Read How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen.

There's a chapter about this sort of thing, there is a story from one of the parents who didn't want to do the whole playfulness song and dance every morning who made a picture chart of each step of getting ready in the morning. The children had to move their symbol down the chart as they did each step and check what the next step was. The last step was Free Play, so if they finished early there was a natural reward. You could try something like that.

I would have a clear sequence of events and stick to it. Finish with breakfast and something nice, if he take too long getting ready then he misses out on that nice thing before leaving. Also If he messes about once ready take him by the hand and leave. He’s 6 and you need to be in charge here

Thanks everyone for your replies! We have a clear routine/sequence of events in the morning, and a little chart with timings on it so I can sometimes say 'What's it time for now?' instead of having to tell him what to do. It worked well for maybe a week or two...

There are few responses here saying that you would not tolerate such behaviour... I don't 'tolerate' it either, but how the hell do you stop it? It doesn't matter what we do! Adding in punishments, threats, bribes etc goes against my better judgement and just adds fuel to fire, making everything worse.

He can wake up in a happy mood but then end up totally spiralling because he is required to stop doing what he WANTS to do and do what he NEEDS to do (i.e. get ready for school).

@thenonsensepotter yep, have tried these things. If we attempt to leave while he still hasn't got his shoes on (and we wait for him to put them on) he has an almighty screaming fit, begging us to put his shoes on. I've told him that he can tell his teacher that he was late because he refused to get ready, but he does not care. He starts to care a bit if I threaten to call the school, but of course this is a pointless empty threat and it doesn't make him move any faster, just get more upset.

@TheYearOfSmallThings yes, I have tried saying that he'll need to leave if he starts pestering me in bed, but he doesn't comply. How do you enforce this? I would have to physically pick him up and put him out the room, but then that would end in him trying to bang the door down.

@KangarooSally that's a really good book and I learned a lot from it! We tried picture charts and it just made him angry. It's almost as if it was visually ordering him about, which he did not like.

We let him listen to kids' music/radio in the morning (because he is up so bloody early, it keeps him occupied for a while before we get up) but now I'm wondering if we have to change this and make it something that he has to earn, even if it means we have to get up at 6am.

@Lifeispassingby What would you do when he literally digs his heels into the ground and refuses to move, when trying to lead him out the door? I can't carry him almost a mile to school. He is the most strong-willed child I have ever dealt with. He will start coming up with all kinds of conditions, like "I will leave for school if you do X (pointless, unrelated thing) first" - I don't like getting sucked in to that.

Maybe it's control he wants. I would love to just let him be late to school and face the consequences himself but my partner and I also have jobs to do afterwards and can't just rock up late everyday.

Blimey. Sounds hard OP- because he sounds like a mini-dictatator.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

Blimey. Sounds hard OP- because he sounds like a mini-dictatator.

The thing is, more often than not, he does not get what he wants. If it was up to him, he'd spend all day glued to the TV/video games with me bringing him in snacks every half hour.

I think @BlackCatShadow makes a good point in that I am too emotionally invested and need to detach from the behaviour (btw, we do plan to leave early and I have tried timers but if he runs out time, he loses his mind and it takes ages for him to be regulated again...).

I think its unrealistic to think that school mornings will be anything other than a total pain in the arse. Yours dont even sound that bad.
I feel like I must have wasted so many hours/days/weeks/months/years shouting TEETH, SHOES, BAG into the void

I can't suggest what to do on a practical level, but it's clear he has the upper hand here. You have to reestablish the balance of power and take control. I know it will be difficult but you are storing up huge trouble if you continue to pander to him like this.

However much you don't want to use punishment, 6 years old is old enough to understand the consequences of his actions. At six DS would dawdle over his breakfast and need help putting his clothes in (just to speed the process up) but your crazy mornings would have driven me mad.

Sounds very similar to my son when he was younger. I totally feel your pain. Have you heard of pathological demand avoidance (PDA)?

I have no advice at all OP but as the mum of a 6 year old I found your post hugely reassuring (if that helps!)

From what you've said it sounds like his dad is there? Leave it to him for a while and totally detach. He gets him ready and takes him to school. Just to see if you he's playing.

He sounds exactly like my DD (same age) who has ASD with sensory processing problems. The sensory processing is what leads to the faffing, and the ASD means a timetable with a 'nice thing' at the bottom is dangerous, because as far as she is concerned, if something is on her visual timetable, that is a guarantee it is happening!

The behaviour in bed with you is normal in a 2yo but sounds like sensory seeking in a 6 year old. Same with the making noises / wanting to be dragged around. Sensory processing disorder is associated with ASD but it can exist by itself.

An unhurried connecting activity won't help for a child who is sensory seeking (it might for a child who is sensory avoidant). Can you build in a jumping, swinging, bear-crawling activity instead? Have a look for "sensory diet" and there are lots of good suggestions.

Wont put shoes on? Goes out the door in socks or bare feet - his choice.
Wont get dressed? Goes out in PJs - his choice.
Wont eat breakfast? Goes hungry - his choice.
You get my drift. He knows he’s winding you up and he knows you care too much.
Let him learn about natural consequences and poor choices.

Hey OP. Sounds tough. I am not sure how in the realms of 'normal' this is either. My parenting is awful and my kids annoying but it was never this bad. Are there clues of any additional needs?? I dunno, I only bring this up because you seem to be sensible and his behaviour sounds unlike what I have heard from other parent friends. How does he have so much energy that early!