I hate mornings with my son

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I can't stand schoolday mornings with my son (age 6). He spends so much time dicking around and having screaming, door-slamming tantrums. Tantrums mostly arise because we don't agree to make every aspect of him getting ready into a game. I race him to get dressed most mornings (which he loves), but I'm not going to do something similar for every aspect of the morning routine, especially when I have to get myself ready too.

Today we were on track to leave on time but then when it came to getting shoes on, he spent 20 minutes throwing himself into his dad, crawling about on the floor, making stupid noises, following me about to show me infinite "somethings", demanding that we drag him across the floor or carry him around...

Is it too much to expect him to get his shoes on without 20 minutes of faffing around and fussing? It's extremely frustrating, especially when my partner and I are both trying to get ourselves ready then start work (from home).

He is happy at school and enjoys himself, so that's not the issue. I have one-to-one time with him most mornings chatting at breakfast, and sometimes he'll lie in bed with me for a few minutes before I get up (ok, he's unable to be still, so he spends most of the time crawling over me, tickling me, blowing in my face, licking me, and I spend most of the time telling him to stop... tbh I hate him coming into bed with me because of this).

Do we need to introduce some sort of unhurried, connecting activity each morning?? I'm at a loss. Any suggestions?

@MissyB1

Wont put shoes on? Goes out the door in socks or bare feet - his choice. Wont get dressed? Goes out in PJs - his choice. Wont eat breakfast? Goes hungry - his choice. You get my drift. He knows he’s winding you up and he knows you care too much. Let him learn about natural consequences and poor choices.

It's easy to say these things, and I do, but he will refuse to leave without shoes, clothes, breakfast etc. and ends up getting more upset, wasting more time. See my previous posts.

@PhillipPhillop

From what you've said it sounds like his dad is there? Leave it to him for a while and totally detach. He gets him ready and takes him to school. Just to see if you he's playing.

Yep, dad does get him ready most days but ends up getting incredibly frustrated and shouting. Today I sat at my desk with earplugs in while they got ready but could hear them both shouting and arguing very loudly and I couldn't take it anymore so I intervened. It doesn't matter who gets him ready though, son is still a little shite every morning.

@TheYearOfSmallThings yes, I have tried saying that he'll need to leave if he starts pestering me in bed, but he doesn't comply. How do you enforce this? I would have to physically pick him up and put him out the room, but then that would end in him trying to bang the door down.

If I said "OUT" and he didn't go I would physically remove him. If I had to do it more than one morning, he wouldn't be allowed in anymore.

The thing is, I never have to do that now because since he was old enough to walk in he has learned that when I say "Enough. OUT." then he will be going. When he was 2 or even 3 he might throw a tantrum, but he has also learned that throwing a tantrum (or the looming threat of him doing so) NEVER leads to him getting what he wants. It took a lot of tantrums for him to learn that, which was very tedious.

If you really can't get him out of your bed in the morning at the age of 6, when you don't want him there because he is tickling you and licking you, and you are afraid to physically remove him because of the violent tantrum that will ensue, then you have a real problem on your hands. I remember from your first post that you felt more connection time in the morning might be helpful, but in fact I think it might be worth seeking out a parenting course with a focus on behaviour management. It sounds as if his explosive behaviour has been paying off (sort of) for a long time, but he probably would be happier with a few boundaries enforced. Maybe. He does sound like a handful!

When mine were about that age and I was working in the actual office, we could not be one minute late for school we had to be there as the gates opened or I would miss my train. I HATED the mornings.

The faffing and the shouting and all the remining them to do things drove me mad. In the end I said to them "I'm not going to tell you / ask you to do anything anymore. You know what you have to do and we will be leaving at exactly 08.30 in whatever state you are in". They have been ready on time ever since. I thkn it was some sort of weird power play thing. No one wanted to go to school half dressed or without packing their school bag or with out doing their teeth.

Btw I meant to add that certain things you mention (repeatedly throwing himself against his DF, wanting to be dragged around the floor, etc), as well as the almost desperate avoidance of completing simple tasks, are sometimes associated with developmental differences. It's really hard to tell though, where they may also just be acting out.

DS (5) doesn't have tantrums but he socks around SO much! I have never seen anyone eat breakfast so slowly!

I am trying to wfh and it is a nightmare

But how is it going to be when he’s pounding on your door and yelling the place down at 7,8,9 because you’re not doing what he wants?

Mornings are tough. It's easy to say i don't allow this or i won't tolerate that but op needs help, not judgement. My youngest is dyspraxic and so distractable, she is also a prize faffer. Getting cross doesn't work with her the way it did with my older 4, it just escalates things. Could you reward him then and there for getting ready promptly, perhaps some game time if he is dressed and ready ten minutes before you have to go. Or screentime on the school run, again only if he is ready with time to spare. I agree with pp about putting him out of the bed if he starts messing around, he is welcome in for a cuddle but that's it.

Oh god that sounds awful. And I agree that just saying fine, out you go in pjs won't work as I don't think you are dealing with a typical 6yo.

Does he have a diagnosis? How is he at school, sorry if you have already said this.

Have you tried the once nicely, once firmly, then do it for Him technique?

So that's telling him nicely "time for shoes on now please" (give a couple mins)
"Minibetter I said shoes ON"
Then no more conversation - you put his shoes on.

Same for teeth, clothes, you don't engage after the first two warnings, you just do it.

Most children I have dealt with absolutely hate this as they really don't want someone brushing their teeth or putting their socks on as they get older. They want independence but they also want attention, so not getting it is key.

Removing the attention here I think will really help as he is playing up to get more of it.

Worth a try perhaps?

It might be worth getting up half an hour earlier if he needs time to faff about. Can he have the telly or radio on to get dressed in front of in order not to seek so much other entertainment, or would that make it worse?

maybe a visual timetable might help, especially one where he could check each thing off the list and eventually earn a prize - a chocolate biscuit or a gold star for his star chart.

There are some free visual timetables for various things on this site
www.twinkl.co.uk/resource/t-c-122-visual-timetable--getting-ready-for-school---boys.

Also You could try one with first, and then

www.twinkl.co.uk/resource/au-s-001-now-next-then-visual-aid

Get a list of three things for him on the front door.

"Find my shoes"

"Brush my teeth"

"Put my coat on"

(Adapt to all the things that wind you up the most)

50p pocket money per day. Boom

He refuses to leave? Why is refusal an option? Why does he get to dictate? He’s 6 years old! He’s not a six foot 12 stone teenager!

You really need to start taking control. Stop telling yourself that you can’t. You seem to be looking for excuses not to get a grip on this. Look
I know how bloody hard parenting is I’ve got three and I’ve been through the teen years twice already (God help us all!) One thing I’ve learned is the adults have to be in charge, kids can’t be allowed to run the show.

He sounds awful.
Honestly, I would just bring him in to school, whatever state he is in. Anything that he doesn't have on him can be carried in a plastic bag and he can sort himself out at school.
I wouldn't be putting up with any mini dictatorship like that.

OP, I have some sympathy and completely understand why all the suggestions to "just tell him you're leaving with or without shoes" while excellent sounding, aren't terribly practical.

Having said that, you do have a problem here with a child who clearly is not interested in doing anything you want him to do. I'm guessing that mornings are not the only time you struggle?

My first thought is to consider whether this is part of a bigger issue that needs addressing from the relatively simple - eg he's not getting enough sleep so plays up - to more complex such as does he have additional needs of some sort? figuring out if there are additional factors at play can be helpful (eg with our SPD child, switching to seamless toe socks completely changed our lives. We went from spending 20 minutes begging, shouting, pleading for him to put his shoes on to the whole thing taking 30 seconds, and done at first request. We hadn't fully realised quite how uncomfortable he found socks and shoes before that).

My second suggestion is to ensure all the essentials are done first thing. Our mornings have got much easier since the DC get up, eat, and dress immediately rather than being allowed to have a little "wake up" time. If he tends to wake up earlier than the rest of you, perhaps lay out his clothes the night before and tell him that if he's fully up and dressed by the time you get up, he can have extra time watching tv before school (it's not really extra time, it's just time that you've saved, but he doesn't need to know that).

For us with DD, for whatever reason, we have (reluctantly) realised that she needs to eat breakfast first and that the best way for this to happen is to bring it to her. It's annoying, but when I'm doing school run by myself because DH is working, it completely changes the entire morning as she then eats while I'm getting dressed and is quickly dressed, teeth brushed and out the door after.

+1 to the seamless socks (seamless tights too!) radically improving mornings!

I went through this with ds1. I found the more I nagged, shouted, 'put my foot down', threatened, punished etc, the worse he got. I tried the 'fine I will take you to school in your pyjamas' etc, but this made it ten times worse.

What actually worked was following some techniques in the book 'easier, happier, calmer parenting'.

Lots of calmly stating expectations and praise for small steps on the way.

I would I not expect that behaviour from a 6 year old. Mine are 10 and 7, 10 year old has always been fine, 7 year old is the challenger. I do have to prod him along in the morning, shoes are absolutely the worst bit so I shout down for him to do that 10 mins before actually required and it's usually then just about done on time. But if he dicks around he is shouted at and genuine threats about loss of iPad time on the weekend are made and that usually gets things going again.

Hmm, I agree that perhaps starting everything earlier might help just take some of the stress out of it because you and DH won't be as worried about being late so that should help you both detach and stay calmer. Also, if you have more time available, you can say to your DS that if he gets ready with enough time then there will be time to do x/watch x before you have to go, which might be some motivation for him. Then if he takes too long there won't be time so there's a natural consequence too.

Have you asked him if there's anything he finds difficult about the morning routine? What are his thoughts on his behaviour? What could you both do to make it easier? Could you have a sit down and a chat with him and see if he has any suggestions or any thoughts on the mornings himself? I mean, it's not as if he's enjoying them either.

Not sure what time you get up but could you wake up earlier to get yourself ready before he gets up? At least then you'd be done and could just focus on him? I'm not a morning person at all btw so I do get that waking earlier may not be a palatable option!