8 year old has no friends at school what do I do?

[Sunshine1212]

Hi all, I would like some advice from anyone who may have experienced the same or similar situation and would like to know what you done to help make things better. So my son is 8 and he is very intelligent (the most intelligent boy in his year) he enjoys going to school to learn and takes his education really seriously and always has done which I’m really proud of but a few months ago he was having problems with a pair of boys who would say really horrible things to him, talk over him and became physical busted his lip and beat him up (he came home with bruises all over his body) I always tell him to hit back but he is afraid to get in trouble. He is by no means small or fragile he is of average build, height and loves play fighting (quite rough). There were several incidents with the same boys so I hit the roof and explained to the school that this was bullying and I’m not prepared to allow this to continue. They are now not allowed to go near each other and are on separate sides of the playground however, my son explained that this doesn’t help as now he can’t join in with games and most of the children in his class play with the two boys that were bullying him because they’re scared of them. The school have admitted that the two boys are a problem to control however al they do is take mins off their lunch. My son does not want to go to school now as he says play and lunch are not enjoyable for him and he often sits alone watching the other children play. I am absolutely heart broken and just don’t know what to do? Do I change his school? Do I meet again with the school( who seem pretty useless). I’m worried sick that this is affecting his confidence as he is slowly becoming less and less of himself. Please help!

Change school, enroll him in some outside school stuff. Invite a few of the other boys round

You need to change him to another school that knows how to deal with bullying. Isolating your son, punishing him for being bullied , is not the answer.

I would talk to the school and state you are thinking of moving him to a different school for all the reasons you stated.

I like @mayblossominapril suggestions of outside school activities, sports / science clubs / scouts / beavers etc. I think having a friendship group outside of school is lovely

My daughter (8) is very studious too and doesn't have a strong bond with any children in her class - no bulling though. We are pushing her to have extra curricular actives to make bonds with children there to help. However the bulling sounds awful and I would consider moving schools. What does your son want to do? Would he be happy to move schools?

My son did attend football clubs and beavers before lockdown unfortunately they are closed still. I have also moved so looking for new clubs in the area but lockdown has had a huge impact on them and I don’t know if some will reopen. I agree it is lovely to have friends outside of school . He had a birthday party a few weeks ago and invited some of the other boys but everyone said they couldn’t make it so I don’t know if I want to bother asking other parents for play dates etc as I think maybe that’s a sign they don’t want to play with him. I’m really considering changing school, I spoke to my son about this and he said he was worried incase he he has zero friends as he has one at his current school and he said one is better than none. Do I just do it and move him before things get worse? Do I wait it out and hope things will improve? I’m so scared to change him as if it doesn’t go well I will feel so guilty! And to see him suffer more at school would just kill me!

Your poor DS

I don’t usually say this, but I’d seriously consider moving him and letting him have a fresh start.

Also, it’s wonderful he’s so bright, but be careful not to ‘other’ him with labels. It’s very tempting to counter the rejection of other children by telling him he’s better than them, but it won’t help him make friends and puts him under pressure to live up to that label. I’m sure you know all this anyway, but I mention it because I’ve seen it happen and it’s an easy trap to fall into.

That is crap and he needs another school, I can’t believe the school were okay to not deal with actual physical violence.

Out of curiosity. When you say ‘the most intelligent boy in his year- how have you arrived at that? How do you know and what have you measured it on? I think maybe, if he changes school, don’t pit him as ‘the most intelligent boy in his year’. He’s 8, let him try and forge some friendships without putting so much emphasis on how clever he is.

Ok. I’d leave him for this half term until start of June. See how he gets on.
Re other ends of the playground, him missing out. Go back to school and say that he is feeling punished for this by not going to the side of the playground where he wants to go
Why is this? Those boys should be inside during break for a while and then a member of staff is to watch them. Just them. Why is my son being the one punished here?!!! Check their behaviour policy on what they do.

@SmidgenofaPigeon I received a letter from the school stating that and also at parents evening. I’m not a bragging mum or anything like that. I only mentioned because my son feels this is a reason other Childers don’t want to play. I don’t put emphasis on it just support and encourage his development as does any parent

If there is no improvement. Totally proving that they are shit at dealing with this and safeguarding your son. Move him start of the final half term. So he has a half term at the new school.
Ring round now. And see what spaces are available. And see what you think is best for him. And then make the decision by end of first half term (before they break up for half term)
I have 4 kids. And have moved one

The higher picture is more important. Give the school one more chance to get it right. If they don’t. Move him

Op.. you need to toughen up about this and not show your angst/worry to your boy. I understand how you feel. Totally. But stay in control and make the right decision for your boy.

It’s very strange for a school to state that a single child is ‘the most intelligent in the year’. Most realise that intelligence comes in all shapes and sizes and different ways to measure- at 8 he hasn’t even done any exams yet unless he’s done a 7+? I don’t think the school is doing him any favours there by singling him out as the cleverest pupil in the entire year group. I’ve not heard of a primary school doing that.

This happened to me but one of my parents told me to stick it out refusing to let me change schools and I was left at that school, with no friends and no one to spend lunch with every single day, for 3 years. The depression and rejection never left me. I’m sure if I’d been taken out of that school at 8/9, I’d have flourished and not had the problems I have lived with since, always feeing like an outsider and painting myself into a corner.

Get your boy out of that useless school. Poor fella .

I’ve seen your looking for a new beaver group.
Beavers changed my youngests world. He was the child very similar to yours from the sound of it.
I thought he’d hate it. But got on so well and he has friends from his school (the older ones look out for the younger). It’s been great.
However, not all scouts groups are the same so don’t be disheartening if the first isn’t a best fit.

It’s so hard packing them off every day knowing they will be sad at school. Keep going. He just needs to find his people and it will happen

He is by no means small or fragile he is of average build, height and loves play fighting (quite rough)

Your son is physically big and likes to fight rough? Even in play that is not on. Take hime to a martial arts or boxing class if he enjoys that sort of thing, there is no place in the school playground.

Has he been “play fighting” at school?

Talk to the school and listen to what is going on. If your son is physical at school he may not be completely blameless- listen to what the school say.

If your son genuinely is an innocent party, yes, i’d look at changing schools if it can’t be resolved in his current one.

Rough play fighting at 8.... not on at school. I second the idea of enrolling him in a class where he learns how to manage being physical in the right environment.

Tell the school to drop the different sides of the playground thing as it is punishing your son. Discuss what he will do if they bully him, come up with some actions he is comfortable with. Ask school how they intend to manage the situation better. Let your son persist with his friend and support him with social skills advice. He might need to learn 'street smarts', for instance having a 'socially approved' hobby like football or gaming that he can talk to people about, following social rules rather than teacher rules (generally being good but a little bit of rebellion or nuance), make sure he's not always correcting people or appearing arrogant or showing off.

@bluebluezoo I’m not talking about at school, I’m talking about at home we play and when I say rough I don’t mean to hurt I just mean as boys do nothing serious

@SmidgenofaPigeon I don’t feel like you’re of any help here just looking for ways to criticise. If you don’t have any advice then please don’t comment any further as this is a support thread asking for help not asking for you to pick at everything I say!

Ah. Think I’m starting to understand.

There must be bubbles in place at the moment, is that what you mean by saying that the two boys are in a different part of the playground to your boy? If that’s the case there must be some children in his bubble that are also on his side of the playground.

If not, the school need to do more - a child’s happiness at school is key to his all round development and education so it falls squarely within what I would expect a school to care about.

I would go in again if it were me and try and get them to list what they are doing to resolve it, what their strategy is. If you’re happy with that you could give it a chance but I wouldn’t hang around forever waiting for them to act if they essentially just pay lip service to your concerns. Some schools let some kids down however hard you push and if that is your situation you need to move him to a school that will meet his needs (i.e. a school that will take steps to ensure as far as possible that their pupils are happy in school).

Does your son think he is 'the most intelligent boy in the year'. If he has shared this 'information' with his peers, that's unlikely to win him any friends.

Why is your son the one that's been isolated, it should be the bullies that are isolated away from others. Sadly this does seem to happen a lot; make the victim stay away whilst not dealing with the problem.

Look at the schools anti bullying procedure then ask them to explain to you where they're at on it. Speak to the headteacher. If all else fails I would change school.

@arethereanyleftatall no this isn't something he says to others at all.

How many children in the year OP? Is there more then one class per year? It would make sense to put your son in a different class to the 2 boys he is fighting with.
Unless it’s a really small school there must be a selection of other children you could invite round to play, to help your son build relationships with others - either boys or girls. And agree with others that you should seek out clubs like martial arts (to help with his energy) and sociable groups such as Beavers (to make other friends).
I don’t think I’d be too quick to leave the school, especially as your son has 1 friend there.
I’m also a bit surprised that the school are telling you he’s the ‘most intelligent’ boy in the class. Seems an odd thing to say at 8, or any age really. It doesn’t seem to be doing your son any favours - if he is concerned others don’t like him because he’s clever. As he gets older it’s unlikely he’ll be top of the class for everything so you need to start managing expectations.