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Parenting

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Original poster

22 yo single Mum - Dad being demanding. What are my rights? Help!

27 replies

RachelJen213 · 22/04/2021 14:49

Hi Everyone,

I am a brand new member and first time Mum. I got unexpectedly pregnant when I was 21 last year but have had the most incredible daughter who has changed my life. The father and I had a short term thing and we were on/off when I found out. He was not pleased that I went through with the pregnancy and went completely off the rails and pretty much off my radar throughout. Problems with drugs, alcohol and violence amongst friends. He got fired from his job and was absolutely awful to me for the duration which included constantly getting my hopes up and then ghosting me multiple times. I did the birth on my own and at the time he was barely interested/talking to me. I persevered with trying to forge some sort of relationship every time there was a chance because I believe my daughter should have a father. There was a glimmer of hope a few weeks later when he promised to turn up to the registry office, but on the day he left me and the baby hanging again and didn't speak to me for weeks afterwards. I am currently the only parent on the BC. Eventually I lost my patience and realised we were better off without him but despite all his behaviour throughout, he has been religiously paying me child support each month. Even when his father pushed him to get me to do a DNA test for the baby which was so insulting and upsetting. In the last few weeks he has had a bit of a break down, done a 180 and is very apologetic for his actions. He now really wants to be involved in the baby's life and is asking to be put on the BC. I want to honour that in theory so we have an appointment next week. On top of this, the father (who asked me to do a DNA test) is now pushing to do a religious ceremony for the baby which does not align with my beliefs at all and in fact counteracts them. When I objected, they told me that is wasn't fair for me to be doing a traditional christening either which is something I have been planning all along with my daughter when none of these people were interested or around. It's also something that is very important to me and my beliefs. I never want to withhold a baby from their father, and I won't do that, but I am now really overwhelmed and worried about having to make these kind of big decisions with him and his family when he hasn't been around the whole time and have caused me a huge amount of upset. I don't feel like I know him or them well enough. I am also really worried about putting him on the BC, but if I don't, that will also cause huge drama. If I do put him on, I don't really understand what rights he will have, or I will have or what will change. I have had sole custody up until this point. Can anyone help me with some advice? I don't know what to do :(

OP posts:

FolkyFoxFace · 22/04/2021 18:01

Just a quick one as DS is in meltdown mode - don't put him on the BC! Absolutely not. You need more than empty words for huge steps like that, especially with an interfering FIL!

Getmesomecoffee · 22/04/2021 18:05

Don't rush to do anything, take your time and see how things settle. You deserve time to think it over. You certainly don't need to do something just because absent XP and FIL say so. Get some proper advice about the implications of the birth certificate thing, and don't let them push you.

FatCatThinCat · 22/04/2021 18:07

If you put him on the birth certificate he will have the same rights/responsibilities as you do. Don't add him until he's proven himself or you have no choice ie court ordered.

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CryptoFascist · 22/04/2021 18:08

The religious ceremony not a circumcision, is it? If so, I wouldn't allow him unsupervised contact. Also I'd let him take me to court for contact. Wouldn't offer anything, he sounds like a risk.

Blueskytoday06 · 22/04/2021 18:10

Yeah I'm all for him not being on either. It's just going to complicate things going forward. Leave him off for as long as possible.

helpmum2003 · 22/04/2021 18:11

I would not put him on the BC at the moment. He has been abusive over a prolonged period. He needs to prove himself. Also, is there a risk he could try to remove DC to another country? Does DC have your surname?

Herja · 22/04/2021 18:14

He can apply to court to be put on the birth certificate if he wants to.

I strongly, strongly suggest that you let him demonstrate he's interested in being a proper dad by doing so. Actually putting some effort in...

Do not do it for him! As it stands, you are the only one with parental rights; you add him to the certificate and you both have equal parental rights. If he takes her (and you do not have a court ordered residency agreement, but have added him to the birth cert), the police will not return her to you, you would have to go to court yourself. That is the level of parental rights you are offering this twat freely.

Totallydefeated · 22/04/2021 18:14

Once he’s on the BC, if they were looking after your DD they could hang into her and you’d have to go to court to get her back. I don’t like the sound of the FIL being so demanding. Cover your back.

Goatsgetmygoat · 22/04/2021 18:18

If he proves himself for a year then put him on but hell no at his current performance

Topseyt · 22/04/2021 18:20

I would not put him on the birth certificate at all. It would give him exactly the same parental rights and responsibility as you have.

He has demonstrated very clearly how flakey he is. He has been abusive to you throughout your pregnancy too and he won't change now.

If he gets parental responsibility by getting onto the birth certificate then how do you know that he won't use your child as a pawn to get at you? I bet he would.

Why do you think you have to facilitate a relationship between your precious baby and such a shit father and grandfather? You don't have to, so don't. At least not as easily as you seem to be wanting to.

If you are challenged and taken to court then let them do that. You explain to the court in detail about his behaviour during the pregnancy and immediately after the birth.

Love51 · 22/04/2021 18:21

Re the ceremony,if it is like a baptism, fair enough. If it involves removing body parts, no. Having had the ceremony might give your child a link to the other side of their family that they value. The Parental Responsibility stuff is the bigger deal.

Topseyt · 22/04/2021 18:27

His drugs, alcohol and violence issues would surely not stand him in good stead in court.

All are also very likely issues which will make him a shit parent, and a potential threat to you and your child. It could even be considered a safeguarding issue. Stop bending over backwards to facilitate a relationship between them. You need to ensure that you are protecting your baby.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/04/2021 18:28

Do not put him on the birth certificate. He can take you to court for access. What is the religious ceremony. To be honest I wouldbtel them all to get to fuck after the way they have behaved, but I have no idea what their rights would be on that one if he does get access.
Keep any texts from him to use in court. He sounds like an absolute idiot.
I had a baby at 18 with someone who did similar, my son is nearly 13 now, he never even new that man, I never took a penny off him or asked him for money, and he killed himself with an overdose.

Motnight · 22/04/2021 18:30

Don't put him on the birth certificate, at least not yet.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/04/2021 18:31

I have no idea why you would try so hard to have someone like that involved with your child in the first place for some reason women have this misplaced idea that a child needs a father, but they certainly don't need one like that.

nevernotstruggling · 22/04/2021 18:32

Nah. Let him make the court application for pr.

megletthesecond · 22/04/2021 18:32

Don't put him on the BC. He hasn't shown himself capable of being a parent at all so far.

LittleRa · 22/04/2021 18:36

@CryptoFascist

The religious ceremony not a circumcision, is it? If so, I wouldn't allow him unsupervised contact. Also I'd let him take me to court for contact. Wouldn't offer anything, he sounds like a risk.

It’s a girl so guessing not circumcision.

FishWithoutABike · 22/04/2021 18:36

Do not put him on the BC

EileenGC · 22/04/2021 18:36

Are he or his family originally from another country? Could the baby be entitled to another passport? Is that why they’re being so insistent about the BC?

I’d be particularly wary of his father’s insistence to have him added to the BC and a religious ceremony performed on the baby. Way too many stories, some on Mumsnet too, of international child abduction - where the extended family pressures one parent to withhold the child and move them to their country of origin, where they can’t be taken out of again due to no Hague convention. I’d proceed with caution.

noisasentence · 22/04/2021 18:38

I agree with others. I wouldn't put him on the BC until he's established himself as a father. I'd be concerned his dad is behind this recent change but if it's genuine you'll have a chance to see that.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/04/2021 18:51

What is the religious ceremony OP?

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 22/04/2021 19:13

You are looking at this wrong.

You have not been the abusive, flakey, irresponsible or abusive party here.
It is not for you to bend over backwards to please him or his family. They should be doing that for you to show they are sorry for past actions and things that have been said.
Have they done this?

Do NOT put him on the birth certificate!
That he is even asking this so quickly after his past behaviour is a huge red flag and I'd be worried about his motives.
You say your Daughter deserves a dad, she deserves to be happy and surrounded by people who treat her and her mother with respect more.

The simple fact you think not doing as they wish would cause drama would make me say no. They have not done enough to earn the privilege of being in your daughters live yet and it is a privilege.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job OP stay strong, you have this.

Clusterfckintolerant · 22/04/2021 19:36

You've got paternal grandparents who have acted offensively and are seeking to bully you at this stage, and you are actively trying to put father on BC?

The father can go to court and get PR easily. Let him take this step if and when. Don't weaken your position now.

Original poster

RachelJen213 · 23/04/2021 20:10

Thank-you so so much for your advice everyone ❤️

I cancelled the appointment. Every single comment was exactly what I needed to see and hear.

I really appreciate all your help!

OP posts:

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