Has anyone chosen *not* to breastfeed their second baby after breastfeeding the first?

[eyebagsandgladrags]

I breastfed my daughter through premature birth, severe jaundice, three bouts of mastitis, PND, bottle refusing and terrible sleep. I fed her for a year and she weaned very gently and at her own pace. Looking back, I feel proud of myself but also a sense of trauma. I feel that I breastfed her against my will for the first six months. I felt trapped and like I couldn't stop even though I desperately wanted to (she was an adamant bottle refuser and I was crippled with anxiety). It got better after she started solids and would drink from a cup, from 6/7 months, but it definitely had a negative impact on my mental health.

I'm now pregnant again and I'm already feeling a huge amount of trepidation at going through all of that again. I'm dreading the sleep deprivation being solely my burden to bear and of the endless cluster feeding taking time away from my daughter. I keep having waves of panic about how I'd cope having to do it all again while also looking after my older child, especially in the early weeks when she's likely to feel upset and unsettled at the new arrival.

Basically, I really dont want to breastfeed again but I already feel unbelievably guilty. I'm worried about being judged, the stigma among my peers about bottle feeding, the guilt about not breastfeeding a second child after breastfeeding the first. Not to mention the practicalities of formula feeding a newborn, which is totally new to me.

I can't be the only person with this experience? Has anyone else had this dilemma, and what did you end up doing? Has anyone successfully combi-fed from birth?

Can anyone relate?!

Could you express instead? I'm only on my first baby so can't offer you any advice about coping with any guilt you're feeling. But I do exclusively express for my little boy (nearly 5 months) and it's worked really well. I can share feeds with my husband, we know exactly how much he's taking per feed, and he's still getting breastmilk. Might be worth a consider as a halfway compromise for you?

Plus it's no more washing up and sterilising than formula feeding would be anyway, and pumps these days are really advanced and can get decent portable ones!

I'd give it a try. My first was terrible for feeding, second fed like a dream.

I did this! Fed dc1 for 2 years and dc2 for 1 week. It just didn’t click the same for dc2 and I didn’t beat myself up about it

I did it the other way round, as much as I enjoyed breastfeeding #2 it took a massive toll on me mentally by the time we were done (16 months), I probably wouldn't do it again.

In some ways I found formula feeding much easier but breastfeeding was more convenient. Both kids are way beyond that stage now and you'd never know how either were fed so don't feel guilty at all!

@CooperLooper for some reason, exclusively pumping hadn't even occurred to me. I'll definitely give it some thought - seems like a decent compromise. Did you build up supply through pumping or did you start with BF and then move to the pump? Just the memory of the droning noise of my Medala pump brings me out in a cold sweat, so I'd definitely look at (quieter) alternatives!

@EvilOnion that's really interesting that you did it the other way around and still ended up coming to the same conclusion! Before getting pregnant again, I'd always said the same, "probably wouldn't do it again". Now I actually have to decide whether that's true or not!

@osbertthesyrianhamster that was the advice my mum had too. My only worry is that I started off really ambivalent about breastfeeding my daughter, but once I'd started on the rollercoaster, I couldn't get off. I had so much help and support in the early days that I felt obliged to carry on, even though I wasn't sure I wanted to. I get anxious even thinking about it. But maybe I'll be more assertive next time round?!

@eyebagsandgladrags just through pumping! Tried and failed breastfeeding and gave up around day 10, I'd been pumping from day 2 though. I'd thoroughly recommend the Spectra S2 pump, you can pick them up on Amazon.

Thanks @CooperLooper I'll definitely look into it, especially to start off with. I just can't cope with another bottle refuser - it was hell!

You should do exactly as you please and not feel guilty about it. Breastfeeding is not the be all and end all!

Formula feeding is not the epic battle that some people make it out to be. You wash the bottles in hot soapy water and dump them in a steriliser once a day. Takes ten, fifteen minutes at most. Making a bottle is also easy, even easier if you get a Perfect Prep (which are perfectly safe as long as you clean them regularly and use the correct filters despite what some militant breast feeders will have you think). You can even pre measure your milk out each day so you just pour them in rather than having to count scoops every time you make one. Or use ready made but that is a bit more expensive (especially for a newborn full time where there's lots of wastage).

I have breastfed and I have formula fed before anyone says I'm anti BF. I'm not. But honestly OP this really isn't anything to feel guilty about. If you don't want to, then quite simply, don't! If people judge you then it's their problem not yours.

I exclusively breastfed my first through and didn't have a great experience. Thrush, reflux, allergies, lack of weight gain, HV constantly on my case.

Currently pregnant and intend to combi feed.

Breastfed my first for 9 months, those first few months where HARD, my my second when ds1 was 21 months, I didn't even try breastfeeding ! I had a full on toddler to take care of, both turned out fine I have no guilt

I struggled with it first time round but once it worked I did enjoy it. I only did 6 months exclusively and a couple more mixed. Second time I tried for a couple of days but gave in very easily and happily to bottles as it meant DH could do the 10pm ish feed while I went to bed early in order that I got some sleep before being woken up at 1am or whenever.

They’re teenagers now and no obvious difference in their health or achievements etc. Or how much we bonded. Or anything.

Thanks everyone so much for your kind responses, I feel a bit emotional. Until writing this post, I didn't realise just how anxious I have been about the prospect of doing it all again. If breastfeeding was simply a case of warm cuddles and convenience, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. But the negatives overwhelmingly outweighed the positives in my experience and, especially with a very sensitive toddler to think about now, I can't bring myself to do it again.

Yes me. Had PND with Baby 1. He had a dreadful latch due to undiagnosed weak lip muscles. I had mastitis, PND - not diagnosed until 8 months and a colicky baby. He is now a strapping and grumpy 16yo. Baby 2 - PND much worse after milk came in. Went straight in the anti-depressants at that point no Councelling offered and I had a newborn, a toddler and a husband who worked very long hours in a stressful demanding job. No family support. So it was a no brainer really. Although at the time I cried about it. I didn’t want to risk the anti depresants passing through my milk. Even tho I was told that was I likely. Baby two is now a tall and usually lovely 14 year old. He is healthier in general than his breastfed brother. He got some collustrum anyway and a littl bit of milk.

@SeventyEleven thank you for mentioning your bond with your two children. That's a big factor for me - I'd hate to think that my bond wouldn't be as strong with the second. But I was bottle fed and I love my mum to bits! 😂

Oh sweetie lots of hugs.
I had a terrible time with my first and eventually successfully combi fed (from birth) for a year. Combi feeding was a dream - totally took the pressure off. This time breastfeeding worked after the first month and my now 12 week old won't take a bottle (annoying) and like you I can't face the noise and time of the pump.
However I've made the decision we are stopping at 6 months and that's it. I just don't want to do it after that, I want my body and my sex hormones back and baby will be fine.
Whatever you do don't feel guilty. We put enough pressure on ourselves without obsessing over the small stuff. It's not a big deal - ignore people that make it so. Xx

@Serenschintte I'm sorry you had that experience, that must have been so hard. I think your experience really encapsulates it though: when you have a baby, you have to take decisions that will achieve the greatest benefit. That calculation only gets harder when you have two or more children. I know the evidence in favour of breastfeeding, but I also know that a depressed, unwell, exhausted mother will have a negative impact on both children. It feels so obvious to me, so maybe I just need to stop feeling like it's something I have to defend!

I exclusively breastfeed my first and thought I would do the same with my second.....however she had other ideas, she was an inefficient feeder and I was having a nightmare with her weightloss, I tried to express to continue to give her breastmilk but once my husband returned to work and I had to look after a newborn and a 4 year old I found it impossible to find the time to express and manage everything else and spend any time with my eldest. Ended up switching to formula with a few tearful guilty days, however now I feel it was 100% the right decision for us and she is piling weight on and my mental health wobbles have ended and I still manage to do everything both children need from me.
Just do what works best for you. You could always see how it works out with no pressure on yourself and if your baby doesn't take to it then just switch to formula.

As I found out they can both be very different feeders so if you are happy to you could just wait and see but take the pressure off yourself and decide if it doesn't work out in the first week or you just don't want to then formula feeding is designed to feed your baby so do it guilt free! X

I had a very similar experience and planned to do 2 weeks breastfeeding with number 2 and then bottle feed. Never happened though as she was an excellent feeder. So please don’t judge yourself for not wanting to. If you don’t want to try that’s a legitimate choice too. And again, don’t judge yourself.

My one piece of advice would be to not tell anyone though, as some people can be horrible - if anyone asks why you don’t breastfeed or didn’t try, just shrug and say ‘medical reasons, sorry I can’t talk about it, it’s a bit personal’. You can think ‘nosy Parker’ privately.

Good luck.

Why should a woman feel guilty for taking control of her body and child's health. If you want to formula feed and feel a better mental and physical state then just do it. Making it sound like it's something to be guilty about is not helpful either as it makes it seem like it's something to be ashamed of.

I can't BF. Just didn't work for me. Oh how I tried and the tears I wept for being this "failure" makes me so angry now as I was being too hard on myself because society has programmed us to feel this way.

After nearly a week of trying, DH had enough and took the baby off me and popped a bottle of formula in their mouth. I was mortified but soon realised what a game changer it was for me. It was so easy, measured and I felt much better knowing that my baby was getting the right amount of milk. I loved holding and feeding my baby; we bonded perfectly, i didnt need a mouth latched to my breast in order to connect.

I will happily feed formula to my next, I think combi feeding may be the way to go for you so you can still have your milk come in but also the relief of the bottle option too if it feels too much for you.

BF my first for 12 weeks before I returned to work and employed a nanny. The other two had formula milk.

My DC are adults now but I wish I could go back 25 years and have a word with myself. I set so myself up for so much stress by deciding that I absolutely had to BF both of my babies, born 2 years apart.

In hindsight, much of my tiredness, anxiety and depression were caused by my insistence on breastfeeding. I couldn't get a break and my 2nd baby had latch problems which took up so much of my time and mental energy that I have few good memories of that first year.

Obviously, there will be no more babies for me, but I wouldn't be so quick to BF now, purely on a personal level. It's still the best food for babies, but, in hindsight, it wasn't worth it for me.

I was in a similar situation to you. I ebf DD for 6m, and ended up BF for 3.5 years. It was intense but worked for me at the time. When DS came along I realised pretty sharpish that I would not be able to do the same for him as my MH would've really suffered. I went to mixed feeding at 6 weeks (I think? Might have been 5) then stopped BF entirely by 8 months. I just really, really hated BF the second time round; some traumatic things happened to me which made BF really "triggering". I definitely had as good a bond with DS and I don't think he has missed out. I did feel guilty on and off at the time (though I know it was the right decision for me) but I wish I had been kinder to myself. I did look into "bottle nursing" - ie I tried to make the bottle feeds as close to nursing as possible, where feasible. So I would hold him close, or lay down next to him when he was having his milk. I tried to minimise anyone else feeding him bottles, and I would do skin to skin so I would take off my top layers and have the baby's head next to my chest. Tried not to feed him without taking him out of the pram and holding him, etc. etc. Good luck with whatever you decide x

I do know someone who did this. She breastfed for the first few weeks but then moved to bottles.

I will say though I found the experience of breastfeeding my second sooooooooooo much nicer. She fed better anyway, she was in a routine sooner as well. My first was combi fed but second flatly refused bottles, but that was fine. Having gone through combi feeding I knew that EBF was so much easier. I took all pressure off myself as well.

You’ve very much described my experience; I breastfed my first who was born prematurely and although I’m pleased that I did I also made myself ill through it all and found it very difficult that it was all on me. I stopped at 7 months due to a mixture of reasons but one of them being that after a traumatic pregnancy and birth i needed my body back and to feel some control over it .
With my second DS I voiced a few times when I was pregnant that I wasn’t sure about breastfeeding; my DH was supportive whatever happened but friends and family didn’t get it and I stopped saying it. I breastfed my DS for 2 days after he was born and then switched to formula. I just couldn’t cope with the idea of breastfeeding. My DS is now a year and I don’t regret my decision; it meant my DH could help a lot more and my older DD became very clingy to me after I had DS so it helped there.