Feel guilt and embarrassment about being a SAHM

[merrynelly]

Firstly, I mean no disrespect in any way to SAHM’s. The job is one of the hardest things ever and gets very little recognition or reward.

I’m late thirties and we’ve just had our first child and hope to have one more. We are in a very fortunate financial position mainly due to an early inheritance. My husband works too. “My career” never really took off and I have been thinking about what I want to do job wise. My husband is very supportive whatever I choose and said if I wanted to be a SAHM he would fully support that too. However I feel like I can’t fully embrace the SAHM role because I’m only able to do this due to other people sacrificing their lives to work and make money which has allowed me ultimately not to work. And I know when people ask me what I do I will feel embarrassment saying I’m a SAHM, because I fear that people will know that really between 9am and 3pm I’m not doing much besides taking care of myself and it’s with other peoples money? I had real big dreams and hopes for my career, and this is never what I pictured myself doing. That being said, I can’t bring myself to put my child in school with wraparound care so that I can work a low paying, basic role doing 9-5 and not see my child much at all. How do I become at peace with this SAHM role? Also I am not that baking, arts and crafts type Mom at all, so should I even be doing this?

Voluenteer

Tgis will give you a sence of purpose and a sence of "giving back", using your time for the community.

• Be a school governor
• Voluenteer to read with children at school
• Offer to do displays/photocopying at school
• Be a brownie/guide/cub/about leader
• Be Voluenteer driver for the blood bank
• Be a befriender for the elderly
• Do shopping/ gardening for an elderly neighbour
• Voluenteer in the library or mobile library
• Offer to be the lady who makes tea and toast at a local playgroup
• Voluenteer at your local hospital, there will be dozens of different kinds of roles
• Voluenteer at a charity shop
• Join a local wildlife group and littering once a week

There's tons of options.

But if you've just had your first child surely they're a baby? That's not the same thing as having school age kids (you mentioned you're "not doing anything" between 9 and 3). My youngest is at school this September so that's my cut off for being a sahm, I'm going to try and job hunt/freelance. A lot of people don't appreciate that actually if finances work out, the stress relief of not having to work and juggle and be in twelve places at once is worth its weight in gold

@FATEdestiny

Voluenteer

Tgis will give you a sence of purpose and a sence of "giving back", using your time for the community.

• Be a school governor
• Voluenteer to read with children at school
• Offer to do displays/photocopying at school
• Be a brownie/guide/cub/about leader
• Be Voluenteer driver for the blood bank
• Be a befriender for the elderly
• Do shopping/ gardening for an elderly neighbour
• Voluenteer in the library or mobile library
• Offer to be the lady who makes tea and toast at a local playgroup
• Voluenteer at your local hospital, there will be dozens of different kinds of roles
• Voluenteer at a charity shop
• Join a local wildlife group and littering once a week

There's tons of options.

I hope this doesn't sound awful and cold, but I could definitely volunteer once a week but I don't picture myself doing it more than that. I think I need to be earning my own money, otherwise I'm going to always feel undeserving of what I have.

@Neighneigh

But if you've just had your first child surely they're a baby? That's not the same thing as having school age kids (you mentioned you're "not doing anything" between 9 and 3). My youngest is at school this September so that's my cut off for being a sahm, I'm going to try and job hunt/freelance. A lot of people don't appreciate that actually if finances work out, the stress relief of not having to work and juggle and be in twelve places at once is worth its weight in gold

Yes.. I'm thinking into the future when my baby and potential second one are at school. At that point I'll be early forties. I'm not sure that I want to be working in an entry level job around the kids school hours until they're at senior school at the earliest. If I'm working I think I want to make a real career of it, but that's not going to be possible unless I do full time hours and put my children in breakfast and after school clubs which I'd rather not do. Also I'm well aware of what a trivial problem I am facing to say the least

I think you are over worrying.

Why don't you get your little kids to nursery / school age and then see how you feel. I could never not work and earn money, it's very important to me. But little children are very absorbing and hard work so a few years at home with them would probably be great for them and you. Once they are older though - you can certainly work and in fact they would get a lot of value from seeing you work.

Please don’t feel guilt or shame.

I’m old and my children are basically grown up. I’d have given my right hand to be able to be a SAHM. Your children and family are all that matters in the end, and yes, you sacrifice by being a SAHM, but with sacrifice comes reward.

So long as you have financial stability, ie. can leave if you need to, you are fine so enjoy every moment free of guilt and shame.

Do you want to work? Would you still be able to afford not to work if you got divorced?

What was your career? Is there a way you can make it work for you now?

I was a SAHM until my youngest reached 6. I then started freelancing, using my previous qualifications and experience. Worked from home, as and when I could fit it in around school hours and school holidays, so I was earning some money, but was still able to give my full attention to the children when needed.

However, I really wouldn't feel guilty at choosing to be a SAHM. You are earning in a way in that you are not having to spend a lot of money on nursery fees and wrap around care. You are also not spending money on a cleaner etc Whilst you are not physically getting money in, you are definitely stopping money going out.

You could use a wraparound nanny or childminder if you're wanting to build a "real" career when both your DC, including the one you haven't conceived yet, are at school. Or maybe you'll be able to WFH/very flexibly. Why borrow trouble? That's years in the future. Who knows where you or any of us will all be then?

Right now, do you want to be a SAHM? If so, be one. You can plan for the future - what career do you want? Will you need to study? - but also focus on enjoying the present and make sure you're secure. (Did that inheritance come to you? Make sure you have assets in your own name and a private pension too.)

You seem to hold a lot of negative beliefs about how you are living off other people's money as a SAHM. You can either dig those out and challenge them, or decide not to be one. Up to you. Name the beliefs and talk yourself through why they're rubbish.

I can’t bring myself to put my child in school with wraparound care so that I can work

That instinct there is real. As I say I’m old, and I can see now that not listening to that instinct clearly enough is a regret. I couldn’t have done much about it tbh as I didn’t have the support and had to work....but boy, if I’d been supported to go with that instinct I would have. I hated being away from my very young children, it all felt wrong

Could you build a part time self employed job at home. Tutoring via the internet, say?

I have known someone move from volunteer to a paid role in a local charity when their kids were older.

I’m not being horrible but you’re late thirties and haven’t managed to “make a go” of a decent career so why the angst now? Surely raising children IS a worthy past time. Why would you have to pay for childcare and early years education otherwise? It sounds like you’ve somehow come up with “earning money= self worth” and that’s wrong. I was a sahm for many years and am proud of my achievements in raising great children. I sacrificed my opportunities to have a fulfilling career prior to my forties as a result, but did manage to achieve a degree and other qualifications round my role that has and will stand me in good stead for my remaining years of employment.
Our household money is ours. My husband earns it through my support in looking after and raising our children and we are a team. It’s never “someone else’s money”. It’s ours.

Look, in the nicest possible way, don't worry about what is yet to come.

Have your children, let life roll on and then you will find opportunities. You might meet another mum at playgroup who needs a hand with her business, your husband might hear of someone who needs a few hours of office work a few hours a week.

At this point, it's wasted energy to worry. I've known plenty of SAHMs in my time and I've never "judged" their situation, as it's not my life or circumstances. I've always said: make your decision, make peace with it and then make the best of it.

SAHM’s. The job is one of the hardest things ever and gets very little recognition or reward.

I’m sorry but I often hear that and it’s total bollocks.

Try saving the life of an 18 year old female who’s been run over by a cement mixer lorry or another young girl hit by a car and her skull was literally cracked in two with her brain exposed. Cleaning up baby pooh and throwing the vacuum round is more of a challenge then

@hamstersarse

I can’t bring myself to put my child in school with wraparound care so that I can work

That instinct there is real. As I say I’m old, and I can see now that not listening to that instinct clearly enough is a regret. I couldn’t have done much about it tbh as I didn’t have the support and had to work....but boy, if I’d been supported to go with that instinct I would have. I hated being away from my very young children, it all felt wrong

OP's only just had her first child though. Assuming she's successful in having a second, she's at minimum 6 years away from having to think about whether she uses school wraparound to enable FT working. At that time she can either decide she wants a career and she'll find a way to sort the childcare, or she won't. Maybe she'll feel completely differently in 6+ years' time.

Her issue right now is how to come to terms mentally with being a SAHM while her children are small.

It sounds like you would be happier working. Can your husband work more flexibly to do some childcare?

Personally I've made my peace with being a SAHM a long time ago. The only place I ever feel judged about it is on MN. My family is happy, our set up works for us so I don't care about what anyone else thinks.

No, it’s not the hardest job. But it’s not the easiest either, depending on your circumstances. We lived abroad when mine were tiny, and I found having 2 very close in age, one with SN and no support at all way harder and more tiring than some paid jobs I’ve had (not being a trauma surgeon, obviously!)

I would say OP, that if you’re not entirely comfortable with it and can’t “own it” as a choice that works best for your family, then you probably would be better off working.

I was/am a SAHM. We chose this for a lot of reasons but I never felt guilt that my OH was 'working' and I wasn't.

I have freelanced off and on for a number of years - currently working now - when I shut down MN - but even so the load definitely still falls to me - I have to sort out breakfasts, school uniforms, lunches, drop offs/pick ups, what's for tea, etc etc I know my OH could do more but he works really hard long hours so I fit around him. I take my hat off to any family where there are 2 full time working parents, or in a single parent household where that parent works full time.

Don't underestimate the gift you have been given. And also don't think that a choice made now needs to be the same in 5/10 or 15 years. You can stay home for a few years and then build a career later on.

Just a bit on volunteering, as you seemed quite dismissive of it. When you start looking into the volunteer community you will find how essential volunteering is to communities, society, all sorts of organisations, etc & how loads of things would just not happen without volunteers. If anything it's more likely to make you appreciate what you've got in terms of health, family, house, possessions, etc Depending on what you do, you can find it really rewarding or just like a bit of a hobby. There are loads of different types of roles - it's not all do-gooding or titting about on committees. A lot are actually the equivalent of paid roles in terms of level & responsibility (& therefore interest) but you have the flexibility of not being as committed as paid work yet it can still count towards a CV if you want it to. I've done things I'd never had had the opportunity to do as paid work as I don't have the relevant qualifications/experience, eg archaeology & working the Science Museum picture library. One of my current volunteer roles is very flexible, as I just respond to requests when & if I like so if can fit it around anything. Others can be short-term projects, or even online.

I went through phases of guilt, missing the kudos that came with work, etc & in an ideal world I'd have shared the early years parenting with DP if workplaces/careers could have accommodated it. I tried volunteering as a way of assuaging the negative associations & found it worked out.

Ditto everyone else, you've only just had your first baby. In another 6 months you might be very eager to get back to work- you never know. What makes you think you can only get an entry level job, working 9-5? Other than the obvious cost, do you feel there would be no benefit in your child going to childcare?

You could always look for a school hours job, or volunteering as mentioned above if you wanted.

It’s not a competition, you don’t have to kill yourself daily to justify your life to anyone.
Is it the “hardest” job, no but it’s the hardest I’ve done as I have an office job.
Honestly OP stop giving a stuff, if your kids are at school they all the housework, cleaning, cooking, childcare out of hours falls on you- if you work all that will prob fall on you also (or you’ll outsource it).
As long as it works for your family, fuck opinions.

By the time your children are school age, wraparound club might not seem so bad. My son goes a few days a week - it’s only another two hours extra after school, and he plays around with friends/does crafts. As children get older they stay up a bit later, so you get more time with them in the evenings. But whatever choice you make is valid, the most important thing is you being happy with it.

It sounds like you need to feel like you’re contributing and useful and there’s nothing wrong with that. Where does the “basic” job come in? Is your job basic now?

** SAHM’s. The job is one of the hardest things ever and gets very little recognition or reward.

I’m sorry but I often hear that and it’s total bollocks**

SAHM hardest job ever- no it really is not.