Feel guilt and embarrassment about being a SAHM

[merrynelly]

Firstly, I mean no disrespect in any way to SAHM’s. The job is one of the hardest things ever and gets very little recognition or reward.

I’m late thirties and we’ve just had our first child and hope to have one more. We are in a very fortunate financial position mainly due to an early inheritance. My husband works too. “My career” never really took off and I have been thinking about what I want to do job wise. My husband is very supportive whatever I choose and said if I wanted to be a SAHM he would fully support that too. However I feel like I can’t fully embrace the SAHM role because I’m only able to do this due to other people sacrificing their lives to work and make money which has allowed me ultimately not to work. And I know when people ask me what I do I will feel embarrassment saying I’m a SAHM, because I fear that people will know that really between 9am and 3pm I’m not doing much besides taking care of myself and it’s with other peoples money? I had real big dreams and hopes for my career, and this is never what I pictured myself doing. That being said, I can’t bring myself to put my child in school with wraparound care so that I can work a low paying, basic role doing 9-5 and not see my child much at all. How do I become at peace with this SAHM role? Also I am not that baking, arts and crafts type Mom at all, so should I even be doing this?

@drpet49
SAHM hardest job ever- no it really is not
This may be true, but it's also true to say that the assumption that paid employment is more difficult or more worthwhile than being a SAHM is also untrue. Like it or not, many parents find it easier and more relaxing when they are at work. How many times have you heard people say they go to work for a break?

The job is one of the hardest things ever
Yesterday I ate an Easter egg while rewatching Line of Duty. It's not exactly brain surgery.

I became an accidental SAHP after getting made redundant and I will say that it is very different looking after a small baby (which is the stage I'm guessing you're at) and looking after a toddler/preschooler. I wouldn't plan for anything just yet as you don't know how you'll find the coming years - you might be completely happy or you might want to get back to work. The good thing about having extended time off is that you can have a think about what you want to do, do volunteering, study etc.

I think you need to figure out what you’re passionate about. Also if you’ve just had your baby, you may feel differently in a year or two. (I would have skipped happily out the door to a low wage job to avoid another monotonous day at home...it can be quite boring!).

That said, you have more than just two options: SAHP or FT career and never seeing your dc. Dh and I have busy FT careers (I’m an academic and he’s a company director). We use no wraparound care and no family help. One of us drops off and collects dc every day. We never miss a school play or parent’s evening. You can have a career and still be fully present and involved in your children’s lives.

The good thing is you don’t need to work so you can figure out what you’re passionate about and build a life around that, which sounds lovely.

Well, don’t be a SAHM. No one is forcing you to. It’s irrelevant whether you’re married to Richie Rich — feel free to work. I don’t know any parent of either sex who doesn’t, and I’m puzzled as to where you’re getting conflicting messages.

There is nothing to be ashamed of if you are taking care of your children. However... it sounds like you don’t WANT to be a SAHM. So if you don’t want to, don’t! Look into other childcare options and/or part time/school hours jobs. Your preferences are important too.

Get a job working evenings or weekends. Your child wouldn't need to go to nursery, if you didn't want them to, but you would still feel like you're contributing to the finances in some way.
I'm a SAHM most of the time (incidentally it's not the hardest job ever, far easier than the job I had before!) And I work 2-3 evenings a week which brings in around £100. Not a lot to contribute but it means when I go out or treat myself I don't feel like I'm spending other people's money. And if someone asks what I "do" then I can tell them my job rather than saying SAHM.

Going to work isn't just about money and a career. You need to work or you will loose yourself.
Lets not pretend looking after babies can be shit it's the drudgery of it and can be demanding, thankless and boring as hell.
Get something part time even if wages don't cover childcare it's money well spent.
Keep an open mind about being a SAHM with toddlers you get something back there interactive totally different than babies

I don’t understand why you can’t look for a role which fits your requirements? Admittedly there are less than if you didn’t have any restrictions but they do exist. A lot of large national charities have very flexible and WFH arrangements and a very wide variety of roles right up to senior management. I started looking for a similar role in feb and there have been plenty of potential options. It’s a bit of a new dawn for flexible working in some sectors. When the time is right just set up some searches on job sites and get the options emailed to you.

Why are you being so hard on yourself? Being a SAHM is the toughest job I've ever had but I love it and am so glad I can do it. I also have a cleaner and put the eldest in nursery for a few hours each week. Who cares what people think, you do you. I also think a marriage is a partnership and it should be 'your' money, you support each other in different ways throughout your lives.

Will you still be in that fortunate financial position if you divorce? I stayed at home with my children and gave up what was a fairly well paid career (and would have been even more so if I hadn't of given up). As it was I was lucky to have that to fall back on so I could get by when my now EXH decided family life "wasn't for him".

If you don't like what you do now, retrain in something you are passionate about which will pay well, you can move into that once the children reach school at the very least.

Embarrassed to say you're a SAHM, well don't do it then.

I've been a sahm for over a decade, works better for us as a family as dh works away.

Being a SAHM is definitely not amongst the hardest jobs ever however, if it works for you right now then go for it and don’t care what anyone else thinks. Plenty of people don’t work for a multitude of reasons.