Need help with miserable and violent toddler

[KFleming]

DD is 22 months and I just feel like she is hardly ever happy. It’s a constant tightrope walk of tiptoeing around her, everything sets off a massive tantrum. For example, she often has a mid-afternoon snack of some fruit. If I say “would you like a banana” (I should add, she loves bananas) she will burst into angry tears and scream NO in such an outraged way as if what I’ve said is “I am going to force this banana on you”. She’ll then have a tantrum because she’s not been given the banana, then I’ll give it to her and she’ll throw it, then cry because she’s thrown it etc. I know toddlers tantrum but it’s like this for absolutely everything, whatever I do elicits anger, and if I do nothing, it also causes anger. We have about an hour of howling every morning when we get her up (regardless of how well she’s slept). If this is normal, what the hell are you supposed to do??

She’s also very violent. I know toddlers can hit, but how are you supposed to deal with it at this age? She’ll hit out of nowhere, even if she’s seemingly content and being played with (so it’s not for attention). She’ll just reach up and smack me repeatedly in the face, or if we’re cuddling on the sofa she’ll suddenly contort herself so she can kick me hard in the face. If I ignore, she carries on, if I say “no”, however sharply or gently I say it it’s as if I’ve not spoken, if I hold her arm (gently, just to stop her) while saying no she screams and just resumes hitting as soon as I let go. If I stand up out of reach she screams, and just resumes hitting as soon as I sit back down. If I try to distract her, it’s as if I’ve not spoken.

I’m just miserable all the time, I give her lots of affection and praise and attention, but I don’t really enjoy spending time with her because it’s just a constant barrage of being smacked and screamed at. I’ve currently got a black eye from being whacked with a wooden block.

I should add, she goes to nursery and they say she’s fine, happy, plays well, and I’ve had no reports of any hitting. So it’s just us she hates.

With the banana have you tried offering choices? e.g hold out a banana and an apple and ask which she wants. Toddlers like control and this gives the control back to her.

Sorry I am not sure on the hitting. It sounds like she is unhappy with something in general. Have there been any big changes in her life e.g new sibling or partner etc?

It’s the terrible twos, she’s frustrated with life and will grow out of it. In the meantime, unacceptable hitting must be checked by removing her and putting her in time out.

Be consistent every time it happens and she will soon stop.

Stop thinking of her as violent, she’s just a normal toddler albeit a challenging one.

For you @KFleming💐💐💐

Aw I really feel for you as this is what my 2.5 year old is like. Its really hard and I don't have any advice apart from hoping it will pass. I often describe him as miserable and angry all the time as I feel like happy days are rare and it makes me upset thinking of him like that. You're not alone

@KFleming
I had a similar thing with my daughter and my health visitor said "don't indulge her" just leave her to paddy she'll get bored
I found it very hard to put her in the travel cot )which doubled up as a playpen) bit it really did work and stopped it escalating as I removed myself for 5 minutes from the situation.

How about a fruit basket she can help herself too? Then she's in control of when she wants to eat it x

For snacks, we do offer choices when we have them, but it doesn’t seem to help, she is still outraged by us even offering. We don’t have a bowl that she can just help herself to, because that ended up with bites being taken out of everything (including an orange through the skin).

No new siblings, no new partner. Even lockdown hasn’t affected her too much I don’t think. She’s been back at nursery since June, and looked after one day a week by MIL who she adores and then with us weekends where we mainly go out to the park, or to the woods (she loves loves loves being outside) so there haven’t been any big changes at all.

I just hate seeing her so upset all the time.

It gets better OP. DS was a bit like this - he would headbutt things out of frustration. He's much improved now. I think speech development has helped here as well as just generally more aware of surroundings, choice and context.

Do you have a time out area for when she hits or screams? 1 minute per year of age, so Leave her there for 2 mins. She gets up, you put her back with no communication and keep doing it until she stays the full 2 mins. She'll fight it but eventually she will tire. As pp say it's terrible twos, but hitting and constant screaming needs consequences for sure x

What she like at nursery?
My 3 year old hits and then laughs but he knows he's hurting me. It's gotten less frequent as he's older and I just walk away. I'd just completely ignore any tantrum and not give her the banana or whatever until she's calmed down.

She needs a time out after every hit, no matter how minor. My DS is 16 mths old and from 9 mths turned into a selective biter, plus had awful tantrums (he started early here) - he only really bit me and one of his friends at nursery. He got a time out every single time and now he seems to have stopped.

Another thing that really helps is not to ask a question but to offer a choice. So the choice is either a banana with the peel on or a banana piece for example; but I don’t ask just put them both in front of him and ask him to decide.

Is she sleeping enough? I encouraged DS back to 3 naps after he dropped to 2 and that has improved his behaviour so much. They aren’t long naps maybe 30-45 mins for 2 and then 1-2 hours for the last one but they really help him

During a full body tantrum holding him tight against my body really helps settle him. He goes from shouting to just crying and eventually can be distracted.

I must admit, that does sound extreme and sounds a bit like my dd at that age.

She is 16 now and did end being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. She was also assessed for ADHD, with a CAMHS psychiatrist convinced she had it but didn't quite meet the criteria (for not presenting obvious symptoms at school).

But, if I were you, I'd seek advice and make sure you get enough support at home in the gorm of down time for yourself

Also, if you find the professionals to be useless, which may not be the case for you but I did, I can recommend Young Minds as an organisation . They are staffed by volunteers but are qualified psychiatrists.

Personally, I found punishing (eg time out) to escalate the tantrums and would actually look more to calming techniques. Very important to make sure you and dh are on the same page, also.

Look up Emotional Dysregulation. All kids find it harder to regulate their emotions than adults but it's particularly the case in toddlers and teens when they're developing fast. Some do find it harder than others, too

What she like at nursery?

A delight apparently. When I speak to staff at the end of the day they always say she’s been fine, playing well, eating well, never had a report of any hitting or anything. She’s in the baby room and they have a small baby in there (5 months) and they say she’s very gentle with him, rocks him to sleep in a little rocking chair they have, all supervised of course. I assume they’d tell me if she was hitting, and I also assume they wouldn’t let her help with the baby if they thought there was a chance she’d clobber him. I’ve not asked specifically about hitting but I have about tantrums and they’ve said it’s never been an issue.

We’ve never done time out, I think I assumed she was a bit young - and also thought there was zero chance of her staying put and I didn’t want to end up escalating things in terms of her getting more and more worked up. But maybe that’s the wrong approach.

You will need to be firm with her during timeouts. You have to make her stay put.just remember, you are in charge not her. Children thrive on boundaries it makes them feel safe.

I think she’s too young for time outs personally. I would give the hitting as little attention as possible. Say “gentle hands” demonstrate what that means. Then distract and move on.

My daughter is two and a half now and I do do the odd time out now but she’s very very good with communication. Not a stealth boast - my eldest is 4 and autistic so I’ve experience of both sides of communication!

With my 2 yr old I’ve noticed she gets more violent the unhappier she is especially if she thinks I’m cross with her. So keep “discipline” as positive as possible. Focus on the positives as much as possible. Trying to make her laugh and distracting works for me to nip a tantrum in the bud!

If she really loses it and it’s more of a meltdown I don’t say much but just reassure and comfort and wait for the emotion to pass.

Sounds similar to mine. I think it's getting easier as time goes on because the better they can communicate the more you can try and solve issues together. Don't get me wrong at nearly 3 she still has lots of tantrums and often howls for an hour after waking up from her afternoon nap for no identifiable reason but on the whole I find it all gets gradually easier the older they get.

I'd read 'Raising Your Spirited Child' and 'How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen'.

For a snack I would agree to give a choice of two items if possible. If both are refused I go with well I will make a choice for you, I've chosen banana. If they back track and suddenly want the other item (mine always does this) I accept that and give the other item. If no backtracking and they don't want the banana I say ok if you don't want it that's fine but I will leave it out here on your table in case you change your mind.

Tantrums in general I tend to ignore where possible. If I need to I will go into another room to calm down if I'm getting riled up. If she shouts my name or anything I always respond and I will often suggest things like shall we have a cuddle, shall we read a story etc. They burn themselves out eventually, as unpleasant as it is.

We haven't had a massive problem with hitting, but if she does hit I just move away so she can't hit me anymore and I say that we don't hit, we have kind hands and that I'm moving away as I don't like to be hit. Then when she's calmer I will say why did you hit, even if you're angry we don't hit and suggest other things we could do instead of hitting.

Choices - apple or bannana / red shoes or wellies / blue top or green top.

They're trying to exert control over their tiny worlds, and end up like little dictators.

I've got twins and they would turn on each other, any bite / hit etc they got instantly separated. Not much input from me but one each over a baby gate. No questions or quibbles and tantrum as much as you like but I never engaged with them until they were out of the tantrum.

I had a child like this. From 1 to around 2 and a half he was, for want of a better word, a massive prick. Tantrums, hitting other people, whacking his head off everything in sight. Toys weren't toys, they were projectiles. Bloody nightmare.

He's three now and an utter delight. Still has his moments, as they all do, but on the whole he's loving, polite and great fun to be around. He was quite late to talk and I think a lot of it was down to frustrations in not being able to communicate.

She's absolutely not too young for time out, She's almost 2.

I didn't do time out but I would get up and move away or put dd down on to the floor if she was sitting on me, not exactly a punishment but a sign I won't accept any violent behaviour.

@imalmostthere

She's absolutely not too young for time out, She's almost 2.

I agree completely. If she's old enough to hit and kick, then she's old enough for time out.

I wouldn’t bother with time outs, it’s just more stressful for both of you and will just escalate the situation. I hate the whole super nanny time out thing personally. Toddlers just can’t deal with their emotions and will outgrow the tantrums if you stay calm and be firm.

DD went through this phase. I don’t think it’s uncommon. I would just get up and walk away as soon as it happens without making a huge deal, and just say Mummy doesn’t want to sit with you if you do that etc.

Keep her well rested, with plenty of snacks!

Now DD is almost 3 she can communicate well and we rarely get outbursts. She’s so kind and loving, nursery have commented how caring she is to other children. I’m glad we took the route that we did.

@Oneplustwotobe

I wouldn’t bother with time outs, it’s just more stressful for both of you and will just escalate the situation. I hate the whole super nanny time out thing personally. Toddlers just can’t deal with their emotions and will outgrow the tantrums if you stay calm and be firm.

DD went through this phase. I don’t think it’s uncommon. I would just get up and walk away as soon as it happens without making a huge deal, and just say Mummy doesn’t want to sit with you if you do that etc.

Keep her well rested, with plenty of snacks!

Now DD is almost 3 she can communicate well and we rarely get outbursts. She’s so kind and loving, nursery have commented how caring she is to other children. I’m glad we took the route that we did.

I would just get up and walk away as soon as it happens without making a huge deal

That is timeout, although it’s you that’s removing yourself rather than the child being removed. Either way, the child is left on their own after hitting etc., therefore showing that their behaviour is unacceptable.

It’s also possible to remove the child, without making a huge deal. Using timeout, works very successfully by teaching a child that hitting and kicking will not be tolerated.

@Operasinger no it’s really not, and it’s not about ‘Making her stay put’ or removing her and putting her somewhere that you’ve described. Or threatening time outs etc. it’s not the same thing at all!

Putting a child on their own to deal with difficult emotions is not likely to help, try not to see it as a battle between you even if their behaviour appears to your eyes to be a direct challenge to you. It's not is just them struggling. You are struggling too, but try to struggle together rather than against each other. And remember your needs and feelings are just as important as your child's, so don't forget to consider you both. Good luck! It's tough.

Could she be very overtired? What's been happening with naps?