Need help with miserable and violent toddler

[KFleming]

DD is 22 months and I just feel like she is hardly ever happy. It’s a constant tightrope walk of tiptoeing around her, everything sets off a massive tantrum. For example, she often has a mid-afternoon snack of some fruit. If I say “would you like a banana” (I should add, she loves bananas) she will burst into angry tears and scream NO in such an outraged way as if what I’ve said is “I am going to force this banana on you”. She’ll then have a tantrum because she’s not been given the banana, then I’ll give it to her and she’ll throw it, then cry because she’s thrown it etc. I know toddlers tantrum but it’s like this for absolutely everything, whatever I do elicits anger, and if I do nothing, it also causes anger. We have about an hour of howling every morning when we get her up (regardless of how well she’s slept). If this is normal, what the hell are you supposed to do??

She’s also very violent. I know toddlers can hit, but how are you supposed to deal with it at this age? She’ll hit out of nowhere, even if she’s seemingly content and being played with (so it’s not for attention). She’ll just reach up and smack me repeatedly in the face, or if we’re cuddling on the sofa she’ll suddenly contort herself so she can kick me hard in the face. If I ignore, she carries on, if I say “no”, however sharply or gently I say it it’s as if I’ve not spoken, if I hold her arm (gently, just to stop her) while saying no she screams and just resumes hitting as soon as I let go. If I stand up out of reach she screams, and just resumes hitting as soon as I sit back down. If I try to distract her, it’s as if I’ve not spoken.

I’m just miserable all the time, I give her lots of affection and praise and attention, but I don’t really enjoy spending time with her because it’s just a constant barrage of being smacked and screamed at. I’ve currently got a black eye from being whacked with a wooden block.

I should add, she goes to nursery and they say she’s fine, happy, plays well, and I’ve had no reports of any hitting. So it’s just us she hates.

Hi,

My DS, now 3, was really hard work from around 18 months. He would hit and throw things and had lots of tantrums. It was tough but it does get better, especially as his speech improved. Here’s what helped me:

• Read ‘How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen’ and ‘No Bad Kids’
• If on Instagram, follow Big Little Feelings and Our Mama Village
• We don’t do time outs but I don’t let him hit and remove any toy he throws. I use simple sentences when I find his behaviour unacceptable e.g. “I won’t let you...” or “It’s not ok to...” Sometimes I remove him from the room and sit with him till he’s calm.
• We spend a LOT of time outdoors and being physical - If I tire him out he’s much more fun to be around!
• My mantra in stressful moments is it’s ok for them to have big feelings and tantrums but not ok to hit and throw things. If they kick off about something like the banana I acknowledge how he’s feeling (even if I’m not feeling sympathetic!) “You sound really frustrated/annoyed about...”, take it away and move on quickly.

I was really struggling till I read up on toddler behaviour and followed some simple steps. It’s still hard but I feel more in control and enjoy time with my DS more!

Does she need a snack at that time? Leave it unless she asks. Lay a couple of options on the table and let her decide which ones she wants. Having small choices might help.

She’s hitting to get a reaction. Personally I’d just walk off and leave her immediately without reaction and blank her (as long as you’re somewhere safe), reengage after she’s had a while to reflect and don’t make a big thing of the hitting, move on to something else.

Yes very little attention when tantrumming and lots when she’s good.

@S12M I agree with all of this.

Also Consistency is key and myself and DH respond exactly the same and back each other up even if we aren’t in entire agreement in the moment. No chinks in the parental armour.

This sounds like the terrible twos (it happens earlier than 2 usually!). Do you think your hovering over her too much? At nursery she's likely to have a fair amount of independence where she initiates playing with adults, perhaps don't get too involved and let her come to you instead? With the hitting, I tend to stop her hitting by holding her arms and give a firm "no hitting" and if she continues I put her on the naughty step for 2 mins - she says sorry, we have a kiss and cuddle (this takes time for them to cotton but its worked for us now she understands the naughty step concept). The tantrums - I literally just get up and walk away and do something else and say "mummy is here once you're finished". It never lasts more than a few minutes. I hope that helps!

Also same with the banana thing - let her ask for a snack instead of offering based on time. When she's hungry she'll let you know!

May be after a day of controlling herself (not being naughty) at nursery she feels she needs to be a bit out of control - in the comfort and safety of home.

I hate it when my daughter has a tantrum. Sometimes I find distraction works. If she's in a rage I might say DD do you want to do... or ...anything. just a long list of things to do such as jumping up and down. It's hard to be in a rage when you're thinking about options. Sometimes I find I've just got to let the tantrum burn itself out.

I really really recommend following ‘Big little feelings’ on Instagram. 2 American mums who are very down to earth and give loads of free advice on behaviour and tantrums (as well as a paid for course which is quite reasonable i think). They basically advocate a consistent and firm but gentle ‘script’ for any unwanted behaviour. To ‘ok’ the feeling but not the behaviour. Eg ‘it’s ok to feel cross and let that out but it’s not ok to hit mummy, do you want to hit this pillow instead?’ And then move away so you can’t be hit. It’s been a total game changer for us!

I just hate seeing her so upset all the time

She's not upset. She's not sad, she's in a rage of frustration and anger, and is throwing massive tantrums.

Came here for help as this posy exactly describes my 2 and 3/4 year old and this post is EXACTLY the problem. Do time out and be consistent and don't do time out. Which one is it?!?!?! For every seemingly legitimate piece of advice there is an equally legitimate counter argument that is the exact opposite.

Our toddler is as described. He'll shout no and throw / hit while playing. He'll randomly hit and kick and tantrim even when he's doing something he asked for, and it is like literal egg shells with him. Today he wanted to go on the swing, so I put him on the swing, and we swung, qnd he laughed, then he said 'noo... working!!!' Shrieked (its always a literal shriek not a shout) went red and started kicking, arching his back.

My instinct is that he doesn't handle being told no - like all toddlers - but that in being all lovy dobby "you're feeling angry! When you're angry, you can stomp your feet or have a cuddle instead of hitting" is actually just creating a grade Q spoiled prick, but I'm aware that my own upbringing was authoritarian and I try to quell those instincts. It does leave me with an (I'll be honest) A-hole of a toddler (though I love him) and the advice is "distract", "don't distract", "time out", "don't time out". What on earth do I do for the best

^ crikey - he's fine today and I'm masterfully providing positive, loving but firm discipline. What a difference a day can make eh? Crazy old journey this parenting malarkey

Hi how are things ? In the same boat