My 6yr old is unloveable

[TheWorstMumEver]

And I feel awful for saying it.

He was a high needs baby, cried constantly for the first year (we had all the allergy tests etc and all came back negative). Never happy. Nothing is ever right. I couldn't tell you what makes him happy.

He has tantrums every day over any perceived slight or unfairness. It is Groundhog Day. We tip toe around him so as not to set him off. Today he has cried, slammed doors, hit us because he can't find "something" but he won't tell us what it is - apparently he will tell us when he finds it . It probably sounds humourous and typical child behaviour but it is relentless. I am constantly on edge.

He always declares that his sister is the favourite (if anything we go more the other way to prevent meltdown) and that we don't love him. He constantly asks if I love him and if I am upset with him (I tell him he upsets me when he hits me, which is every day).

I tell him I love him all the time, cuddle and reassure him. Because of his crying we went down the AP route, he was in a sling on me for all of his first year, I was on maternity leave for 14 months. I co slept until he was 3 and he decided he wanted to sleep alone. Breastfed until he was 18 months.
I don't know where I have gone wrong.

At school he is sullen and has no friends but he is not violent there and controls his rages there. We are in touch with the SENCO (who say he is not autistic as far as they are concerned) and I have recently contacted a private child psychiatrist because I hate seeing him so unhappy and also, I cannot go on like this. We have an online appointment next week.

Before lockdown he controlled his temper when in public and around family and friends - I think they all disbelieved me. Yesterday we went to my sister's house so that the children could play together in the garden. DS had a meltdown over a stick. He punched and kicked my nephew. It was awful. They have not seen him like that before, he is like a wild animal when he gets into a temper.
We had to leave.
DS knew I was upset but other than the (calm) telling off at the time I said no more about it. As I put him to bed he asked if I loved him. I said yes but you know what, I love him in a maternal way but I do not like him. He is unloveable. I couldn't tell you he is sweet and funny - he can make jokes and has a sense of humour but I think I am so completely worn down by him that I have lost my sense of humour where he is concerned.

I manage him. I meet his physical needs and I bestow outward love and affection in spades but it is false and put on, maybe he realises this? He never comes to me for a cuddle. He is rigid when I cuddle him. We have special days just me and him as I do think he is jealous and a sensitive soul - I do try to build our relationship but there is a wall there.

I cannot talk to my DH about this. When I have been upset and suggested that DS is unloveable he gets very angry with me and tells me that it is my problem. Maybe it is? DH never spends time alone with him or the DC really - we always do things together as DS gets upset if not.

He is 6, I feel awful as he is still so small but I feel as he gets bigger and his behaviour gets worse the less I can pretend.

I do love him, I would do anything for him, I get that sick feeling if I lose him in a crowd etc but I guess that is a natural maternal feeling? I feel it for both of my children.

However for my DD I feel a huge rush of love that I just want to hold and cuddle her (DS would never cuddle me anyway) even though she can be a little terror at times too (she is 2) but that has gone with DS - I felt like that when he was a baby but that probably went at about 18 months when his tantrums started being physical, I would have thought he would have started to grow out of it by now but if anything he is getting worse.

I just don't know what to do.

Get him assessed for ASD.

The SENCO isn't trained to assess children. Go to your GP with a list of concerns and take it from there.

I'm sorry op x no advice as I think your already taking the right steps.

Though thinking of the steps your taking, have you considered counselling for yourself too? So that you can talk about your feelings?

You need to properly get him assessed. A senco isn't trained to do so. Sympathies op, but it will be easier if you can understand his needs.

Have you talked to your gp, or a play therapist, art therapist, social worker? I tried all of these when my son who is also 6 had terrible tantrums and behaviour formed as coping mechanisms for medical issues.

I think seeking professional advice is the best thing right now as you sound at the end of your tether. We romanticise unconditional love but I'm not sure we are always being realistic when we do and I hope you are able to find some strategies that will help this relationship.

You are doing the right thing by engaging a private psychiatrist, SENCO is not qualified to asses him and you will wait years on any kind of NHS list.

You are not alone OP. I definitely feel the same about my son, who has a diagnosis of autism. I do love him, i adore him. He is a teenager now and some days he is great. Other days it is like living with a dictator, and today is one of those days. He can be awful, awful behaviour and kicking off when something goes wrong. I know its Autism and his inability to cope but fucking hell some days are hard and he can be the most disagreeable child and I really dont want to be stuck here with him forever. Its a miserable existence on bad days.
You are not alone in finding this hard but I have not found an answer. I would love a break from my child, that would really help me but sadly it won't happen as we don't have family to do this for us.
Start with the psychologist but you may want to approach the GP and ask about ASD assessments.

I agree with the above get professional help from trained peoplenot the school senior who will gosimply off a ticket box sheet.

Your sons behaviour is hugely stereotypical of ASD behaviour.

Get help OP and sending much love. You clearly love him or you wouldn't be seeking help. There is no answer but I do understand the love but not liking feeling.

I’d also be querying SEN. There are a few things you mention about his behaviour which would make me think it was worth an ASD assessment. I’m not an expert by any means, but I do have sons on the ASD spectrum.
If he is able to contain his behaviour at school, the SENCO is only seeing one side of things. Many children with SEN are able to mask and hold it together at school, then lose it when they get home. My son is one of them.
It’s really hard, but it may be easier if you can understand why he behaves as he does and if there are any ways you can support him.

Sorry, I'm not a professional but he sounds autistic to me, especially the bit about not wanting a cuddle. My dgs has been diagnosed as adhd and although he has tantrums he's nowhere near that bad, and he's totally loveable. Your d's has got problems and he needs help, especially as he's likely to get worse as he gets older. Speak to your gp and dont let anyone fob you off.

Well, a proper assessment is probably needed, but that aside there are somethings you could try.

Whatever it is that you are doing isn't working (I mean this in the nicest possible way), so change it.

If he won't tell you what he's lost, just shrug. OK, let me know when you've found it then.

If he hits you every day, in the absence of a diagnosis that may explain this, I would be much firmer with him about this. You don't say what the immediate consequences are. Does he have to have a time out? Lose a toy or screen time? Would that approach work?

Is there something he absolutely loves to do? If there is, can you make it a thing you both do? If he loves to draw, can you make time to sit and draw together? Frame his art work? Show him how much you value the thing he loves? And it is something separate from his sister.

Does he play a team sport? This could really help with some exercise, winning and losing, the team way of doing things. Also, a martial art can be super helpful with self discipline.

Have you tried really telling him off? I don't really like the idea of this, but a sliding scale of telling offs can help a child understand what's a bit naughty and what's absolutely off limits and not allowed. Kids need structure and discipline. When they were little, we keep them safe by being really firm about doing dangerous things (big loud NO for sticking forks in sockets for example) but we can stop doing that as they get older and understand more.

At 6, you could have a conversation with him about expectations. We know you sometimes struggle with your emotions and we really hate that for you, but hitting is never the answer and if you hit when things go wrong you will get into trouble. But, if you tell us what is wrong, we can try and help you. We expect you to try and tell is and not hit us, or your friends, sister, cousin, ever.

Does he know that hitting hurts? I know that sounds so silly, but sometimes, kids don't realise, because they don't get hit they don't know! Explaining that it hurts, may help.

Whatever you do, it is going to take time and consistency. Every time, you do the same thing, and each parent needs to do it the same way, each and every time.

Good luck, I hope things improve for you.

You write about how you feel so well and my heart goes out to you. No advice at all but it sounds like you’re doing the right things looking for more support and understanding. Please look after yourself as well.

OP I think you need to look at getting him properly assessed for autism or ADHD. Also start looking at behaviour coping strategies for families with autistic children. Your husband needs to step up and start looking after ds on his own. My eldest son has some of the behaviours your mention and omg it’s exhausting and relentless. My MIL looked stunned when she saw his behaviour towards me last week. The thing is you probably do love him very much but are so worn down by his behaviour a lack of respite you don’t enjoy spending time with him. It’s like living on a knifes edge as you never know what you are going to have to deal with next (or in some cases you do and that makes you more on edge). If he has an underlying medical condition you will get help. In the meantime write a diary, work out his triggers and try avoid them . My eldest has autism and ADHD. His triggers are morning and bedtime routines including teeth brushing. He also must eat and drink frequently or he will have a massive meltdown and become so physically and verbally aggressive. He needs to be in control of games which causes issues with his peers though he does have friends as he takes himself away now when he can’t cope but he is 9.

Really love what @DonLewis suggested and unfortunately do not have experience of this but just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re struggling. You sound like a lovely mum, you are just struggling like we all do at times. 💐 Good luck!

I think you explain perfectly how it feels to parent a very challenging child.

I've been there and I think you've had some very sound advice.

I had some counselling which helped me to get stuff off my chest that I really couldn't say to anyone else.

You are trying so hard and I hope you get some support for you

I hope you get some professional help. I think ASD is often misunderstood in schools, and I say that as a teacher.

I've worked with dozens of children with ASD in my previous role and they have all been very different. Some have not been diagnosed until they come to us at secondary school.

It sounds very difficult OP.

Maybe unlikeable is closer to the truth, since you do clearly love him?

I agree that getting him assessed would be useful in getting a clearer view of what is going on. It may be that he doesn't meet any diagnostic criteria (although if he is hitting you every day I question this), but you would get feedback about anxiety, defiance etc and strategies for managing him and protecting your own well-being.

I personally believe some children are leaky cups - you could pour all of yourself and your family's resources into them and it would not be enough. It is a case of learning to live with them, recognising who they are, having compassion for that, but ensuring everyone else's needs are not sacrificed. It is probably healthy to acknowledge privately that you are disappointed, rather than going down the "I wouldn't change him for the world" road.

It is perfectly natural to feel more joy in your daughter, an easier and more rewarding child.

The SENCO was way, way out of line. Teachers can't diagnose anything - would you go to a teacher about a funny rash or a sore arm? Of course you wouldn't. Of course they see a particular spectrum of behaviour and can spot when a child performs within that spectrum, but that's all. One of the reasons that SENCOs can't diagnose (apart from a complete lack of formal training in diagnosing children) is that some children mask their symptoms in school.

Google the coke bottle for an explanation of this.

Seek formal diagnosis.

Meantime, read up on ASD and use the behaviour management techniques that seem to fit your DS's behaviour. This is the single piece of advice I wish someone had given me: we waited three years for a diagnosis but actually there was nothing stopping us putting the techniques into practise. Treating your child's behaviour as if they already have a diagnosis won't do them any harm whatsoever.

Have a look at the SN pages here - you'll find tons of info and support. Take a look at the national autistic society pages. Pick one thing to tackle first and do it consistently for a few weeks before assessing your progress.

You aren't helpless - you're in a difficult situation but with the right support it can be managed and your DS can and will go on to live a happy, loving life.

I would totally disregard what the senco has said as it sounds as though your ds is masking and push for diagnosis. This sounds absolutely exhausting and I’m glad you’re getting a child psychologist involved.

Not to the same extent of problems (was not a high needs baby) but I said the same about DS at around 5 years old. All my other 3 DCs at 5 we’re so easy in comparison.

To be fair to him I know he had to try so much harder than they did with his temper. He hit 1 particular sibling a lot. We had a strategy where is he felt he was getting to angry he could run off and count or run and get me. You could physically see him shaking with anger at times. He was also doubly having “accidents” so poos and wet trousers everywhere we went, rarely would say, would sit on sofa with wet trousers or pee sitting on the sofa (I got so annoyed by this), tried every strategy! Dry and night aged 6, stopped poo accidents same age. Now 8.5 and still wet in day at times. Sometimes he is absorbed in something, other times he will totally deny he needs the toilet. Other things too.

I feel bad that I could “see” what was happening and intervene and give him signals eg for toilet or behaviour. However when I was at work, however much I explained others caring for him couldn’t understand and I think they thought I was too permissive.

However he always was (and is) quite a sensitive boy and the times I shouted, was times he was worse in the week after. He cried if I was annoyed and liked things fair.

I said to an aquaintance once that I love him but don’t like him and she was horrified. I meant it, I would jump infront of a bus for him and wait for him to fall asleep to cut his toe nails (not to upset him!) but he was so stubborn it really made things hard.

Now at 8.5 things are better. He does go along/cooperate with teachers and school which was/is a big relief. He has only ever had 1 incident at school where he threw something at a teaching assistant, they were playing chase, he was angry and she cornered him in the playground (still chasing) so he threw gravel in her face, he was just turned 6 then, although I nodded at school gate about him being naughty I knew as she was describing scene what had happened, he has no problems since. Generally school have a gentle approach and he has 3 very active but not prone to “fighting” boys he plays with most often (so lucky as I think it could have gone worse). Pets helped, they seem to make him calm and don’t have so many rules (some rules!) and they bring out him caring side. I like him a lot more. He has interests and friends and much less time is spent on behaviour.

Your DS does sound very emotionally insecure too, do you think he is picking up your concerns? I got some advice from lots sources and disregarded what I wanted so feel free to disregard. I think you do love him very much and your post is a stream of attentive care you have shown to him. You are so loving you are even worrying you don’t love him because of his difficult behaviours.

Does he loose things quite a bit? This is a very common thing with adhd, I was assessed a few weeks ago and this was asked about. I'm forever losing stuff.

It could be oppositional defiant disorder.

I felt exactly like this about dd2. For years. She was violent, angry, defiant and just very very unlikeable. She was eventually diagnosed with ASD after years of heartache and anxiety. In the last few years (shes 17) I definitely like her a lot. She’s had many many issues (currently its anorexia) but I feel like the years of patience and unconditional love does pay off. She has many wonderful qualities and whilst the ASD makes her occasionally frustrating and difficult, we manage it and are in a better place in terms of our relationship than I ever thought was possible.
Just keep doing what you’re doing. Fake it til you make it. It’s so fucking hard. The guilt eats you up. But it’s ok. Your feelings are allowed and valid.
Definitely agree you need an assessment. Dd was 14 by the time she was diagnosed but she masked so well and ASD can present very differently particularly in girls so not one person thought she was autistic when she was in primary.

I could have written this. DS1 is 9 and much the same (though not violent, more screaming in your face). We were on the list for formal assessment and then I took him off for various reasons. But I regret it and I'm starting again.

I'm having to convince DH about assessment as school said when I raised concerns in Y1 that they didn't think he had ASD so he's taken their word as gospel and dismissed mine (I work with ASD children for a living and he thinks I'm projecting).

Following this thread with interest and sending @TheWorstMumEver (you're not by the way). I also have immense guilt about how easy I find interactions with DS2 compared to DS1.

I could have written that post. My 6 year old is - and always has been - very demanding and difficult. He seems unhappy, and angry, all the time. Our younger one is a thousand times easier. I love them both but I enjoy the younger one much much more.

I don’t really have any advice - we’re going down the route of private assessment to see if there’s special needs or an emotional issue of some kind, but appreciate that options not available to everyone.

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this.