My 6yr old is unloveable

[TheWorstMumEver]

And I feel awful for saying it.

He was a high needs baby, cried constantly for the first year (we had all the allergy tests etc and all came back negative). Never happy. Nothing is ever right. I couldn't tell you what makes him happy.

He has tantrums every day over any perceived slight or unfairness. It is Groundhog Day. We tip toe around him so as not to set him off. Today he has cried, slammed doors, hit us because he can't find "something" but he won't tell us what it is - apparently he will tell us when he finds it . It probably sounds humourous and typical child behaviour but it is relentless. I am constantly on edge.

He always declares that his sister is the favourite (if anything we go more the other way to prevent meltdown) and that we don't love him. He constantly asks if I love him and if I am upset with him (I tell him he upsets me when he hits me, which is every day).

I tell him I love him all the time, cuddle and reassure him. Because of his crying we went down the AP route, he was in a sling on me for all of his first year, I was on maternity leave for 14 months. I co slept until he was 3 and he decided he wanted to sleep alone. Breastfed until he was 18 months.
I don't know where I have gone wrong.

At school he is sullen and has no friends but he is not violent there and controls his rages there. We are in touch with the SENCO (who say he is not autistic as far as they are concerned) and I have recently contacted a private child psychiatrist because I hate seeing him so unhappy and also, I cannot go on like this. We have an online appointment next week.

Before lockdown he controlled his temper when in public and around family and friends - I think they all disbelieved me. Yesterday we went to my sister's house so that the children could play together in the garden. DS had a meltdown over a stick. He punched and kicked my nephew. It was awful. They have not seen him like that before, he is like a wild animal when he gets into a temper.
We had to leave.
DS knew I was upset but other than the (calm) telling off at the time I said no more about it. As I put him to bed he asked if I loved him. I said yes but you know what, I love him in a maternal way but I do not like him. He is unloveable. I couldn't tell you he is sweet and funny - he can make jokes and has a sense of humour but I think I am so completely worn down by him that I have lost my sense of humour where he is concerned.

I manage him. I meet his physical needs and I bestow outward love and affection in spades but it is false and put on, maybe he realises this? He never comes to me for a cuddle. He is rigid when I cuddle him. We have special days just me and him as I do think he is jealous and a sensitive soul - I do try to build our relationship but there is a wall there.

I cannot talk to my DH about this. When I have been upset and suggested that DS is unloveable he gets very angry with me and tells me that it is my problem. Maybe it is? DH never spends time alone with him or the DC really - we always do things together as DS gets upset if not.

He is 6, I feel awful as he is still so small but I feel as he gets bigger and his behaviour gets worse the less I can pretend.

I do love him, I would do anything for him, I get that sick feeling if I lose him in a crowd etc but I guess that is a natural maternal feeling? I feel it for both of my children.

However for my DD I feel a huge rush of love that I just want to hold and cuddle her (DS would never cuddle me anyway) even though she can be a little terror at times too (she is 2) but that has gone with DS - I felt like that when he was a baby but that probably went at about 18 months when his tantrums started being physical, I would have thought he would have started to grow out of it by now but if anything he is getting worse.

I just don't know what to do.

I'm really sorry , this must be so hard for all of you.

Maybe now the extended family have seen him "in action" they can offer more support and understanding for how tough things are.

Keep pushing for more formal assessment.

Take videos so the professionals can assess him properly.

In the meantime, find some things that only he can do "because he's a big boy and sister can't because she's not a "big girl". Special things like sitting in the front seat of the car on his seat, to make him feel special and grown up, and to stop the jealousy.
You can then ask him if big boys behave like that, when he is misbehaving. Get dad to spend special boys time together, again to make him feel special.
Ask for cuddles every so often and even if he shrugs you off, give him a quick cuddle and say that you really want one as you love him so much. Fake it till you make it, if you need to. He's clearly seeking reassurance that you love him if he's asking directly.

Express mild disappointment for bad behaviour like "of dear, that's not very nice" but then quickly move on and distract him with normal mundane things. .He may be doing that for attention as any attention Is good, but at the same time praise for any slight positive behaviour. "Mummy loves it when you help like that" etc. Try to inject some enthusiasm into your voice when you interact with him. Again fake it till you make it.

Sorry if that's teaching you to suck eggs. You might already have tried all that, but it worked when ds and I started clashing at that age and he was jealous of his little sister. I backed off as I wasn't seeing the wood for the trees and it was a vicious circle of bad behaviour and me telling him off.
As it started when your ds was so young, I'd definitely get him assessed if you can.

Sorry for long post before, normally would edit and shorten! But DS in question asked me if I wanted to go for a walk (was prompted by DH).

Anyway if it hadn’t gone well in school I would have been asking for ASD/ADD assessment. All his school feedback is fine except “distracted” he comes across as if he cannot hear but is often too distracted to listen. I couldn’t help some comparison with siblings but never said this. He didn’t want “glowing praise” or being told he was loved, instead a very factual praise, without fuss, right at the time, quite often was most effective. Eg thank you for getting that shoe on, good boy for sitting back down again. Everything spoken face-to-face at eye level. My other children could be told eg in the car “you were a good boy today” and understand and be pleased. DS would probably be confused and ignore the comment!

As well as what everyone else is saying, I would highly recommend the book The Explosive Child.

As you mentioned in your post, it could be that he feels/knows your affection is forced and not wholly genuine. If he feels like he can't be accepted for who he is in his own family, it just makes the behaviour spiral and creates a vicious cycle of behaviour between yourselves as the parents and your child. Imagine going through everyday life feeling like your family dislikes you. I've been there, on both sides!

Could you speak to a therapist who specialises in parenting? Could you afford to do this privately? They might be able to give you some techniques/approaches to dealing with his moods and tantrums. If you are continually walking on eggshells around him, it probably makes him feel like you as parents are not strong leaders.

I'd highly recommend the book Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys by Noel Janis Norton for some concrete advice and techniques to improve behaviour and examine your own.

It's so stressful, I know.

I so feel for you. I have felt like this about my son at times and also have a younger DD who is (usually) so much easier to love and like.

I found the book ‘The 5 love languages of children’ useful as my DS also seemed to doubt that I loved him. I try to show him lots of love in all 5 ways and I think it’s helped.

Another thing I think has helped (though can’t be sure) is supplementing with omega 3 and probiotics - he seems generally a bit happier. There’s a podcast I listened to about this from the Dr’s kitchen (Rupy Aujila) with dr Rachel gow.

I agree with the posters suggesting a full assessment. DS has asd and is high functioning but displays some of the same red flags as your son. We knew that something was amiss with him and suspected maybe adhd but would have never dreamt that it could be asd because he didn't have the more common behaviours. It got a lot easier to manage once we knew what we were dealing with.

Sounds so difficult for you OP, you obviously love your son very much

Jumping on this slightly but hoping not to derail the thread - if a 6 year old hits others regularly, would that be indicative of additional needs in itself?

We have some similar issues with DS1, who is a little younger than OP’s DS, and one of them is his tendency to lash out at others. There is definitely a behavioural element to this in that sometimes he is clearly doing it for attention/to provoke a reaction. But he has lashed out physically since he was 18 months and nothing we’ve done has made any difference - that includes reacting in a low-key way (when he was younger), removing him from the situation, sanctions (hitting is a red card offence so he immediately loses screen privileges), explaining why we don’t hit, time in, time out....

It’s as if he either doesn’t care/isn’t able to take on board that Hitting Is Bad or just doesn’t have sufficient self-control to remember in the moment when overwhelmed by his feelings. He only hits at home now, never at school. And I’m not sure when we can expect him to “grow out of this” or what other strategies we can use.

Oh and @TheWorstMumEver? You’re really, really not.

Get him assessed for ASD. The SENCO isn't trained to assess children. Go to your GP with a list of concerns and take it from there.

This. Many of us have had a similar experience... in our case a diagnosis (ASD with PDA) changed everything, I mean everything. My DC now knows why they sometimes behave the way they do and they have more and more strategies for dealing with it and their self esteem and confidence is coming back. I can honestly say, our relationship is transformed.

Looking back, my DC was clearly terrified by his behaviours and feelings and this made him utterly miserable.

Many of us have also had to fight and fight for help and the right diagnosis (multiple attempts here with all sorts of professionals and two incorrect diagnoses first). This process can take years so start learning about the ASD and ADHD and you might start looking at what sort of 'fits' and could help guide you as to how to manage behaviours etc. Good luck.

Oh darling - like how nearly everyone has said previously. You need him formally assessed. I'm almost at the "I'll eat my hat if he's not diagnosed as ASD."

Have you heard of compassion fatigue? Just wondering if you get much of a break yourself? It sounds like not if your DH never spends time alone with the children.

What a sad story. No friends at school, unloved at home.

Go to GP, get family therapy if you can, if not get counselling for yourself. Tell the school how unhappy he is with no friends, there is a wealth of strategies schools use to help with this.

My post earlier was very brief because I was on the way out, sorry.

My DS (now 10) was very similar at 6. I was tearing my hair out. I'd suspected he was on the spectrum since he was a baby but despite me raising it repeatedly, first with the HV, then nursery, then his reception/Y1 teacher, I wasn't listened to. He was (still is) incredibly bright, academically able, verbal (speaking in sentences not long after he was 1). I used to end most days feeling as though I hated him. Of course, I adore him, and did then. But the relentless grind of day after day after day of meltdowns and violence and oppositional behaviour made it so hard to remember that.

He was diagnosed at 8, and since then has had further assessments and is now in specialist educational provision. I still struggle with his behaviour at times and have days where I cry myself to sleep over how much sheer hard fucking work he is, but I understand him so much better now. I've also been able to help him understand himself which is really important too.

It's ok to feel burnt out. Parenting a child with additional needs is hard. We are not all saints - I despise that narrative, where we are painted as special parents to special children when the reality is that we cope because we have to. There's no choice. And our children can be hard work and sometimes it can feel like too much. Learning more about my son's disabilities has helped me a lot and has meant I can reframe my own feelings and expectations.

Good luck

Thank you everyone, you have all been so kind. I was expecting most people to agree that I am the worst mum. I do feel it. I am failing him.

DH is not supportive at all regarding a formal diagnosis. His mum is his parenting guru and she is of the opinion that they didn't have autism in her day (she was a primary teacher for about 5 years before having children and then gave up work) and that a label won't help him. I think even she can see there are issues here though and the "he will grow out of it" comments have stopped.

I do understand that a label won't change anything but I do think it will help us to help him. At the moment I am floundering.

The psychiatrist I have contacted is a family and educational specialist- she works with parents too. I hope that even if she decides there is nothing "wrong" with DS she will be able to help me. I am fortunate that we do have some money to pay for it.

As a PP said, my DS is not underperforming academically, he is a bright boy - he has attention issues in the classroom sometimes but he is doing ok. He doesn't have friends but the teachers tell me he prefers to play alone and will often be found holding the playtime supervisor's hand and having a chat. They really do not seem to be concerned about him at all. He is no trouble for them.

Re punishments - when he hits/ hurts us he is removed from the situation and put in his room to calm down. Although he now fights this and I am not strong enough to physically restrain him when he is having the worst of his episodes and so I remove me and DD. He trashes rooms, we have holes in the walls and doors.

We have a reward chart - he loves watching tv on the iPad (not so bothered about the actual tv) and he starts the day with 15 mins allowance. He gets up to an hour by earning minutes - so getting dressed, brushing teeth etc all accrue 5 mins but he also loses time for bad behaviour (with warnings! Violence is automatic loss of iPad rights). Over the Easter holidays he might have had the iPad twice in two weeks for 10 mins, he doesn't care. He just tantrums and cries for an hour when he realises it has gone but it doesn't stop the bad behaviour and violence. He just cries that we all hate him DD also does not get any TV when he doesn't so as not to rock the boat.

He does know violence is wrong, when we have a calm moment and can engage with him he does know it is wrong and I think the fact he has never hit anyone at school shows that. It does feel like he cannot control it at home though.

I don't get a break really. Work is my respite. DH might take one of the DC out to the shop (he seems to think taking two is too hard work, not sure what he thinks I do?) or occasionally them both to the park for half an hour but no real time. He has done things just with DS in the past but probably a couple of years ago when DD was a baby.

The last time I had a night off (both DC still wake in the night, DH does pull his weight with wake ups at least) was June 2018.

My mum won't have DS, her health isn't that great. She babysits for my niece and nephew though. She has never told me outright that she doesn't want to babysit but there is always a reason not to. Tbh that is her decision and it isn't really up to her to help me (plus, Covid, we have only had garden/ doorstep visits for over a year).

I have exchanged a few messages with my sister though and she has been sympathetic. We are going to meet for a coffee later this week to talk, I think she will help me.

Thanks again, having support on an anonymous forum is surprisingly comforting!

It's not uncommon for one parent (OK, I'm being tactful, I actually mean DH's) to be resistant to the idea of diagnosis or that there's something 'wrong'. You need to do what you think is best to support your child. If there's nothing to diagnose then he won't get a diagnosis, will he? So there's no harm in going through the process.

And if I had a pound for every time I've said this, I'd be a very rich woman: we all have labels. The problem is that most of them are unhelpful: the violent kid, the kid that punches holes in walls, the kid with no friends. These are all the labels your DS currently has within your home and school. If he gets another label, one that actually helps him understand himself and his place in the world, a constructive label that actually helps him get support, then would that be a bad thing?

OP, it is so tough. I have an 8 year old and she was diagnosed with ASD (with PDA traits) and ADHD last October. The diagnosis has helped us a lot to understand that a lot of her behaviours are due to anxiety. I can relate to the unhelpful family members. I went on a week's holiday with my DP a couple of years ago (DH was abroad) and my DM was horrified to see the issues up close. But she had no helpful suggestions.

The Explosive Child is a good book and I also like 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child. Both have great advice for siblings and dealing with extended family and are very reassuring that it's not your fault.

The local PDA Facebook group has been a lifesaver for us. The people on there really get it.

I found that for my child with ASD I need a different language altogether. She's 13 now and only a month ago was flabbergasted that I was telling her off for pulling her sister's hair (hard!) because 'you told me not to hit my sister and I didn't!!!!' She has to have each scenario explained and worked through because she can't make the connection herself. Yet, she's a very lovely girl and no trouble whatsoever at school. There's just a different wiring in her brain.

We all have labels. The problem is that most of them are unhelpful: the violent kid, the kid that punches holes in walls, the kid with no friends. These are all the labels your DS currently has within your home and school. If he gets another label, one that actually helps him understand himself and his place in the world, a constructive label that actually helps him get support, then would that be a bad thing?

HoldontoOneMoreDay that's brilliant.

OP, reward charts for example don't work for children with PDA... they just set them up for failure basically. Their behaviours are reactive and anxiety based so punishing them for behaviours they can't help lead to a a downward spiral of increasing anxiety and therefore more agression.

You say you have holes in the walls etc. but that he seems to be coping at school. This is called masking and is very common. They manage all day and when they come home they explode as it's their safe space/they are just exhausted by just getting through the day.

I was repeatedly told by DC's school (again a bright, very able child, and one who could superficially develop relationships - again masking) that there was nothing wrong. I was also told this by various doctors including one of the country's leading paeds.

It was only when we finally got in front of someone who specialised in ASD with PDA we turned a corner.

You need to ignore your MIL, ask your DH for support and start the process of exploring how to help your son.

That sounds so hard. It sounds like you love him a lot but that you’re burnt out. I’d be burnt out in your place too. Your husband needs to step up. Take the kids out for a couple of hours so you can chill. Formal assessment is a great idea too. You might get some new strategies that will help and your son may feel better if he can understand why he’s like he is. Rather than just feeling bad. Someone once quoted that ‘love is infinite, energy levels are not.’

Don’t feel bad- the way you seem to feel is absolutely normal and fine! It sounds hard, and also sounds like asd- masking is common in primary in particular as staff are v good at managing asd-trigger behaviours, in amongst the more neuro-typical range. As a secondary teacher though, it often becomes apparent v quickly at the yr 7/8 stage that an undiagnosed asd student can no longer cope, and then the masking drops and they struggle to access learning. Don’t wait until then to push for a diagnosis! A good GP will place much more importance on what happens at home- and, you sound like you are doing a fantastic job- no small task.

No advice OP - we have had some similar dynamics/issues. Hope that the psychiatrist can help, it sounds like a really positive step forward.

I'd look into ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and see if the description feels familiar and maybe mention that to the psychiatrist/gp/senco.

I'm afraid my advice concerns your DD... As the younger sister of a brother who was very similar to your son, I would have been heartbroken essentially to have been punished for something that he'd done. It's not fair on her to take away her TV time 'so as not to rock the boat' when she hasn't done anything wrong. Children usually have a strong sense of fairness and injustices like that do tend to remain with us.

If my brother was banned from the computer, him seeing me using it was just an aspect of his punishment. Part of me wonders, when you say that he doesn't seem to care about losing iPad time or whatever, whether he sees it almost as a good thing because it means his sister doesn't get any either, and he, in his child's way, is punishing her because he thinks you love her more?

He doesn't have friends but the teachers tell me he prefers to play alone and will often be found holding the playtime supervisor's hand and having a chat. They really do not seem to be concerned about him at all. He is no trouble for them.

They should be concerned. But because he's not oppositional to the teachers, they're ignoring the red flags of him having no friends and sticking with an adult.

I spent 30 years as a specialist teacher for children with autism, emotional and behaviour problems and/or other communication issues. The SENCO at your school is clearly not remotely qualified or experienced enough to say there is no problem here. There clearly is. And

I'm glad you've contacted a psychiatrist. I hope she's able to help you. I know how hard it is, and I can't offer any guarantees, but I've seen children's behaviour and relationships transformed when their need is given a name, and parents and teachers given some strategies that work for that specific diagnosis.

Your DH needs to recognise that a paediatric psychiatrist will know a lot more than his mum who taught in a mainstream schools for a whole five years.