Nursery asking me to collect toddler for fourth time

[auntcass1980]

DD been going to nursery happily for 8 months, but is going through a particularly bad period of depression anxiety. She wouldn't settle last week and was crying for a long time so the nursery asked me to come and get her, since then this has happened another 3 times. Each time I've had to leave work and take the day off to look after my child. It's happened again this morning, I only dropped her off at 8 and I'm already on my way to pick her up. She's going through a stage of not wanting to be away from me, and they are teaching her if she cries I'll come and get her. My work aren't happy with me. I have no other childcare options, this is the only nursery anywhere near my work. What do I do?

Separation anxiety! Not depression! Not sure how I managed that.

I'm on the fence with this one. I can see how this doesn't work for you, but I feel so sorry for her.

My ds was always "sad" at one nursery but loved the next one. Maybe because he was slightly older, maybe because it suited him better?

I feel sorry for her too, but I could lose my job

Look for a childminder

I would be looking for a new nursery.

On the one hand it's great that you've found a nursery who are completely honest with you and are obviously putting your child's needs first...
But on the other hand it's definitely going to be so hard for her to settle. At 8 months she won't be making the connection that if I cry they'll call my my - it's more like 'I'm crying because my Mum isn't here, where is she?!' Panic. 'Oh you're here now, I can relax'

Are you happy with the nursery other than that?
Do they the same staff each day? High staff turnover?

At that age I always went with a childminder as it was more of a home from home. It might be worth rethinking?

Sorry I read it as she is 8 months... not 8 months of being happy there! How old is she?

She's not 8 months, she's 2. She's been going there for 8 months and was happy there the whole time. Running in and not looking back and not wanting to come home on pick up. She's started being different at home, more clingy and not wanting to be with her grandparents either so it seems like a phase of separation anxiety so in hesitant to switch her childcare and unsettle her even more when she was happy there and it's right next to my work and worked so well for the best part of a year

How old is she? Seems strange she was going happily for 8 months and now she unhappy.
Does she go every day? I ended up putting my DC in everyday because otherwise they would cry on the days they had to go, but they were over 2 so had a food awareness.

What would nursery say if you tell them you can't come get her right now, but you'll call back to see how she is in a couple of hours?
Or more honestly just tell them you think she'll work through it and you want them to give it longer.

I think you need to have a very blunt conversation with the manager of the nursery, of the "if this continues, I will lose my job and DD will immediately be out of nursery - what is going on?!" variety.

I'd also be looking for a new nursery or childminder. 4 times in a week is madness.

They should be working to resolve the issue not admitting defeat in under an hour and calling you to collect her. I assume they will still be expected to be paid for today despite sending her home.

I honestly think your only options are:

1. Find another nursery
2. Childminder
3. Friends/Family
4. Cut down all your expenses, only live with the most essentials and become a stay at home mum/your partner stay at home dad.

Wow they must have an empty nursery by 10am.

Maybe look at childminder options like others have said. I wish I had, my DC wasnt really suited to noisy busy nursery life, at the time I'd been dismissive of childminders but with hindsight it would have suited DC personality.

Good awareness!

Just seen she’s also over 2. Sounds like she would rather be at home with Mum and has learnt how to make that happen.

In that case I'd try and see it through. Children do go through phases like this. Has anything changed at nursery? Same key person?
But I guess you could have a meeting with the nursery to see how best to move forward. As ringing you isn't ideal.

I would look for an experienced childminder.

My childminder deals with children all the time who initially have separation anxiety.

Just seen your update. If you think it's just a phase you will have to push though then. Have you got a partner or family and friends that could pick her up so you don't have too?

I would get a childminder maybe? Somewhere that’s more a home from home environment. I used to work in a nursery school and whilst most children did settle it was possible for children to remain distressed for entire days and at that point the Head would advise the parents that the child wasn’t ready. It wasn’t common, but it wasn’t always the case that the distress on being left was short lived.

@Orangeinmybluelightcup

What would nursery say if you tell them you can't come get her right now, but you'll call back to see how she is in a couple of hours? Or more honestly just tell them you think she'll work through it and you want them to give it longer.

This would have been my approach too.

Has anything changed at nursery at all? Any staff changes that have directly impacted her and changed the team caring for her? That sort of thing might unsettle some children, but it has to be worked through, not parent called each time the child cries.

Tell them directly that this is impacting you at work, affecting your job security and is unsustainable because you would actually like to keep your job.

I wouldn’t view this as acceptable behaviour from the nursery unless she was refusing food or water across the whole day. You should definitely complain.

Is he Dad around at all, would he be able to pick her up?

Ultimately you may have to say to them "I cannot leave at this moment, can you please keep trying to settle her and I'll call back later"

@Didiusfalco

I would get a childminder maybe? Somewhere that’s more a home from home environment. I used to work in a nursery school and whilst most children did settle it was possible for children to remain distressed for entire days and at that point the Head would advise the parents that the child wasn’t ready. It wasn’t common, but it wasn’t always the case that the distress on being left was short lived.

I understand that as I had one who would have done this. It took three weeks of me going to preschool with her (heavily pregnant with her younger sister) to settle her. I wasn't working at the time though, so could do that.

OP has said that her DD has already been going happily to nursery for 8 months up until now, so maybe something has changed. Staff change, DD going into a different department etc?

It’s a difficult age, old enough to have some awareness but not old enough to properly reason with or discuss it. Perhaps nursery could try a visual timetable so she can see what activities she’s doing when and with a photo of you at the end so she can see that you are coming back and how long there is to go before you come back? My friend has had issues with her school aged child and he has been allowed to ring her at lunch time which has helped. Not sure if that would really work with a younger child. If she’s been happy at nursery so far I’d probably stick with it a little longer before changing. I do think it’s quite bad of the nursery to ring you so soon after drop off though.

I think because you have been able to drop work immediately and get her they have now formed the opinion that this is not a problem for you and are using this as pretty much their first resort. You need to tell the nursery in no uncertain terms that she is there because you are working.

If she has been fine there for 8 months then she is not new to them , has she changed rooms or key worker. You need to be absolutely clear that this is not workable for you but also work with them to find a solution. What is exactly can’t they manage, is it crying or is she screaming, biting what is it that is a problem and then work with them to resolve