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Original poster

Am I missing something ... bedtime routine 3.5 month old?

47 replies

Rastignac · 12/04/2021 05:20

Ok, so I feel like I’ve missed something here...apologies if you all roll your eyes!

My baby (first one) is 3.5 months and I keep reading that I should be getting a bedtime routine in place (bath, story etc)

But I’m confused because obviously he’s not in his own room and always with us in the same room, i.e. downstairs until we all go to bed in our room around 10pm ish. So if I get a bedtime routine going like from 7pm or something, am I expected to then also go to bed myself at like 8.30pm and not have tea? Because it seems odd to do a whole bedtime routine then bring him back downstairs...to then transfer him back to his cot in our room upstairs 2 hours later...?

I don’t mind having to go to bed super early if that’s what it is, but just wanted to be clear...!

Like I said, I’ve probably made a fool of myself here!

Thanks so much!

OP posts:

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Allegra82 · 12/04/2021 05:30

Can’t you put baby to bed and then go back down stairs? Why would you need to go to bed at the same time?

daffodilsandprimroses · 12/04/2021 05:33

@Allegra82

Can’t you put baby to bed and then go back down stairs? Why would you need to go to bed at the same time?

It says the baby is three and a half months.

OP, I go to bed at the same time as baby but he goes later than yours - about 9 - and I’m tired.

Mine would wake up if I had him in the lounge.

Allegra82 · 12/04/2021 05:38

I can see the age of the baby, I’m just not sure why you need to be in the same room as a sleeping baby 100% of the time. If you were worried isn’t a video/movement monitor sufficient?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 3-6 months old Babies & sleep Children's sleep

daffodilsandprimroses · 12/04/2021 05:39

It’s safe sleep guidelines. They aren’t really supposed to be sleeping alone until six months.

Original poster

Rastignac · 12/04/2021 05:39

@daffodilsandprimroses Thanks for replying...ok, makes sense! I'll see if I can make that work for us too...I'm also exhausted, obvs!

OP posts:

NeverRTFT · 12/04/2021 05:41

For me the bedtime routine at the v early age was more about delineating day from night. It was for my benefit as much as for baby.
Baby gets cleaned up and in pjs and into pyjama clothes and fed. After the feed we would still keep Dbaby with us downstairs but with lights low and keeping things quiet. Some time around 2 months old we started putting the baby down in cot to settle after bedtime feed. I think that's the next step for you. Then head downstairs to have a little grown up time and an evening, if you have the energy for it. Or get into bed and get some zzz's if that's what you want.

Original poster

Rastignac · 12/04/2021 05:41

Thanks @Allegra82 ! I'm personally still following the advice re. the 6 month thing, but I can see a monitor would be a good option for us in a few months!

OP posts:

OolieMacdoolie · 12/04/2021 05:44

I can see the age of the baby, I’m just not sure why you need to be in the same room as a sleeping baby 100% of the time. If you were worried isn’t a video/movement monitor sufficient?

To mitigate the risk of SIDS, babies should have an adult in the room with them for all sleeps (including naps) until they’re 6 months old.

OP, I tend to go to bed when my baby does and my husband and I will watch a film in bed or read something. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with doing his bath / bed routine and then having him sleep downstairs until you’re ready to bring him up to bed. The point of the bedtime routine is to build up sleep associations, and I think you can do that and settle him in a Moses basket or whatever you use, rather than straight into his cot.

Twizbe · 12/04/2021 05:44

From 4 months when their witching hours stopped, we put them to bed in their room. We had a video monitor on them. We brought them into our room when we went to bed at 10

daffodilsandprimroses · 12/04/2021 05:47

It’s completely up to the parent if you make that choice but it does contravene guidelines. I’m not saying that to be an arse, it’s just that on nearly every sleep thread I’ve been on a number of people don’t know.

Twizbe · 12/04/2021 06:55

When it comes to SIDS it's worth looking at your total risk.

I breastfed and we're a non smoking household. Those two things together drastically reduced our risk already.

The risk further drops as baby gets older.

For my eldest by 4 months he was only sleeping 'away' from us for 3 hours a day.

For my youngest, she was sleeping through really early abs by 5 months she was doing her afternoon nap in her cot and spent all night there.

Sls668 · 12/04/2021 07:44

My baby is 5 months and from about 6 weeks, we’ve done bath time at around a similar time then story (unless she’s too tired!) and sleeping bag on. Obviously when she goes to sleep depends on when she’s last woken up then we keep her down with us until I go to bed which is usually 9-10ish. She sleeps on me as she’s a super velcro baby but if your baby will go in a Moses basket you could keep that in the living room with you.
It’s only the past few weeks that the timing is working out the same every day, before she’d sometimes go to sleep at 7, sometimes not til 9. If I’m really tired as we’ve had a rough night, her Dad will keep her downstairs for a bit longer so I can get some solid sleep.
Personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her upstairs by herself

Hufflepuffsunite · 12/04/2021 08:43

I always did whatever made the most sense for each baby. E.g. dc1 would cluster feed and just want to be held until about 11pm-12am every night. No point in even trying for bedtime so we would bath, put on pjs, turn down the lamps in the living room and put the telly on quietly. I'd feed then DH would rock and soothe then back to me and so on. Once dc1 was ready for sleep, we'd all head up. Dc2 was totally different - a far better sleeper and by 7pm each evening was absolutely done being downstairs. He'd be really fussy and irritable and calm down as soon as he went to bed (and would sleep a good solid stint). So dh would put dc1 to bed and I'd do dc2. Then usually we'd quietly watch something upstairs in bed or, as dc2 got older, go downstairs but regularly check on him. Just do what works! We don't eat as late as you so didn't need to juggle meals but if you want to stay upstairs with your baby there's no reason your partner can't bring you up a plate or you go down to make one/ eat for half an hour and then go back.

Original poster

Rastignac · 12/04/2021 08:55

Thanks everyone for your help on this! It's the first time I've posted (obviously, first baby!) and it's just so great to get some thoughts. Having a first baby in lockdown with no access to any help or advice is really tough...! He's got catastrophic silent reflux too..but that's another story, for another thread... ;o(

OP posts:

Keepingcomfy · 12/04/2021 09:02

My baby will be 4 months this week. I usually do the bedtime routine in his own room from about 7pm (bath every second night, massage, songs, stories) then bring him back in to the living room sleeping until 10ish.

I've half considered putting him straight into his snuzpod at 7.30 with the baby monitor, the bedroom is just next door, but I'm not ready

bleachblondemom · 12/04/2021 20:26

I know guidelines say you have to be with a baby when they sleep until 6 months, but if you want any normal time to yourself I don’t see how this is feasible at all. From 8 weeks I was putting DS to bed with the baby monitor on and coming back downstairs to carry on with my evening. I would be pretty miserable putting myself to bed at 8 or 9 o’clock every night, and DS has never been able to settle for the night with tv/lights on. Don’t be scared to leave them alone for a few hours. Get a video baby monitor!

LDom · 12/04/2021 22:27

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eensyweensySpider · 12/04/2021 22:49

I think you are going to bed too late. DS has had a bedtime routine pretty much from day one. We'd have dinner together around 7pm, then bath, milk, sing / story and sleep. In bed by around 8.30pm. We have always coslept and went to bed together, but once he was asleep, it didn't bother him if I was browsing on my phone, watched the iPad or let's say nipped downstairs to see DH (from about 5m with monitor on). I did also fall sleep with him plenty of times. So did DH. We took in turns so the other for some shut eye I disturbed, ready for night wakings. And the older he got, the longer he stayed in bed without us being there. We are still cosleeping (he's 13m) but he will go to bed alone now and we will joint him whenever we are ready to go to bed. His bedtime routine hasn't changed though.

BertieBotts · 12/04/2021 23:55

I think the change to the advice to reiterate that you shouldn't be putting them upstairs without you before 6 months is completely bonkers and crosses the line of what is reasonable/useful, which is not what guidance is supposed to do.

If you are happy with the baby downstairs then don't worry about it. You don't need a bedtime routine.

If you want to put the baby to bed and have an evening without them there, you should do it. The benefits outweigh the risks.

Obviously the risk of SIDS doesn't magically disappear between 7-10pm, but if they're in a cot, not overdressed, no suffocation hazards, on their back, and particularly if they're over 4 months old the risk is incredibly low to start with. If they are spending the majority of the night in the room with you I'd be totally happy with the slight increased risk for those few hours, in exchange for the benefits of that (if I felt there were any).

It is totally nuts that new mums are anxiously huddling in the dark in order that their baby never be left alone to sleep! (And why is it always the mum that does this??) How many women are developing post natal mental health conditions because they feel they need to adhere to this kind of thing?

oneglassandpuzzled · 13/04/2021 00:00

I used to leave mine asleep in the pram in our small, secure garden, for the fresh air! For up to an hour.

PeacefulInTheDeep · 13/04/2021 07:03

I remember wondering this at the same age with my first. Neither of mine would sleep with distractions around them from around 4 months old, so started having naps in the cot and starting their night sleep in the cot too whilst me and DH relaxed downstairs. Like others, I weighed the risks (not just SIDS but overtired baby, mental impact on me etc) and we decided this approach was best for us. Both of mine were in our room overnight until 6m, but they started the night by themselves as it was better for everyone that way.

Our bedtime routine was super simple when they were little - change, feed, book, song, settle to sleep. So could be done when we saw tired signs, whether 6pm or 9pm, until they settled into a more predictable routine.

Odile13 · 13/04/2021 07:09

We didn’t have a bedtime routine at that age. It was at about 8 months that we put DD in her own room and started putting on gentle music and reading to her every night. Looking back on it we could have done this a month or two earlier than we did but I didn’t realise that at the time (I’m a first time mum too).

pigglepot · 13/04/2021 07:13

You don't HAVE to start a bedtime routine unless you want to. But to answer your question we felt our daughter was ready at about 12 weeks so we used to put her to bed in our room and use a monitor downstairs until we went to bed.

For the benefit of other posters the guidance is to keep baby with you when they are asleep until they are 6 months old- it's something to do with helping them to regulate their breathing so apparently helps to reduce SIDS.

MindyStClaire · 13/04/2021 07:32

It's common for babies to have their best sleep from around 7pm-11pm, which was true for both of mine. They were also unsettled in the living room from about that age and just wanted to be in the dark and quiet. I have to say, we did put them upstairs from about 3 months. By the time they were fed to sleep, burped, settled in the crib I was really only leaving them for an hour, max two on a good night. Not in line with the guidance, but that hour off did wonders for my sanity.

For those talking about monitors, the SIDS mitigation comes from being in the same room as you, video monitors don't do anything there. Although they are brilliantly useful and practical things.

MindyStClaire · 13/04/2021 07:33

Meant to say - no need to introduce a bedtime routine before it's practical for your family. At that age I'd focus on delineating day and night, so keeping night wakenings dark and calm (where possible!).

Are you getting anywhere with the silent reflux? My first had it and honestly it was hellish.

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