Help! I want to pull my children out of their school due to another mum

[BellaDonna79]

I've never posted here before but I have been a long time lurker lol!
Anyway my problem is that at the good prep school my 4 eldest children are at there is another mother who is VERY competitive, her daughter always has to be the best at everything you know the type. Well my 6 year old is in the same class as her daughter (yr2) and while I used to take a slightly mischievous delight in the fact that my DD was notably cleverer than hers, (higher reading level, top maths table etc) Since the YR1 prize giving in June last year she's been making all of our lives a misery, DD got prizes for coming top in English, Maths and reading (I don't know if I agree with this sort of pressure at such a young age but its not my choice how the teacher decides who to give the prizes to) and in addition she won the running race at sports day and the swimming race at their gala and she got a high honours in her primary grade speech and drama ( proud mummy) well since then this woman has been bitching about my family and spreading rumours that my husband is having an affair (I know he's not) she's saying she's heard my daughter should be in the year above and thats why shes doing so well (not particularly malicious but annoying none the less) but most hurtfully her son is in the same class as one of mine (nursery... and she keeps asking him if he can read yet, he can't hers can, if he can swim a width without armbands etc and then she keeps saying oh well we can't all be clever etc and I'M JUST ICANDESCENT WITH RAGE my poor ds is 4 FGS He's just a baby!!!! (she catches him at 3 before he goes into aftercare for 30 mins, I work, there is NO WAY I can get to school for 3 or else I would! I know because he tells me as do other mothers and children)
I don't know what to do... I'm just so sad I can't protect him from this bullying.

Oh and to add insult to injury when the parts for the christmas play were announced my daughter got the lead role, she then went and complained and asked if her daughter could have it, my dd was standing in the hall and she put her on the spot saying dd doesn't want it anyway do you, dd was so scared she knows how this woman has been to her little brother that she just said not reallllly, so now shes mouse 3 instead of Cinderella.

I just don't know what to do, I don't know many of the other mums very well, I have a couple of close friends at the school but she is a big PTA mum so she networks with everyone etc. I think a lot of mums are scared of her... I just feel so

Well, for real or not, if you have a problem with this woman, stand up to her! I wouldn't let any adult get away with bullying my dd. Get youself out of your lecture early and deal with it. These are your children we're talking about.

yes, please forget the competition and the bragging - this is a grown woman bullying your small child - stand for it no longer, kick up an absolute stink first thing tomorrow morning.

Maureen I do agree with that. Go to the school and sort it out, speak to the woman or the school.

The age matters because she's younger AND professionally successful. The OP's trying to put rationale on what seems to be illogical bullying behaviour.

As I said in my pp this is quite common. Not that she ever was more than wryly amusing to my mother, but the parent who would try and competively compare with her, had a daughter who was top of the class until I moved up. At prize-giving it came as quite a surprise to some that her daughter shared the attainment prize with me, because to hear tell at the school gate her daughter excelled in everything. The parent also made a very public show of congratulating me which I found most odd.

If commented upon, my mother would just say, "Yes, we're pleased" and then move on whilst everyone knew everthing about this other parent's holidays and how much it cost, her car and how much it cost, jewellery and how much it cost since she couldn't help but tell everyone.

I have a similiar problem .

DD was so pleased to be given a squeaking part in her school play, and I'm proud of her too. She is the eldest of 7 and receives little attention at home (DH manages the biggest hedge fund in the country, and in addition has to advise his parents on the running of their stately home, and I am often kept late with my position as Chancellor of a notable University).

Now another mother keeps undermining DD's sense of pride because her dd is Mouse 3, and she considers this 'just not good enough'.

You can imagine how this makes my DD feel.

I am considering poisoning the child who is Cinderella in the hope that my DD could be the understudy.

Would this be unreasonable?

Is this something you could consider, BellaDonna? especially with a posting name like yours, LOL!

I think Mouse4'sMummy is making a good point. Alternately, perhaps forget about Cinderella and put on Pinochio instead.

tis fascinates me because of my current situation - the only thing is heated, I've been doing exactly what your mother did, but its become a bit too personal and nasty now iykwim, and i'm finding it difficult to keep my 'upper hand' as it were..

What if this is for real? What if the op and her family are actually experiencing this?

lol m4m

Mouse4sMummy!

Tbh I'd be a bit hacked off if the child who won everything also got the star part in the play but that doesn't excuse her other behaviour.

You're coming across as very smug OP - maybe you do in RL and this is what has set this unbalanced woman off

Obviously some people here have a raw nerve on the subject, so... do you also bully children or just try to put the mother down?

She may have all what she says, or may not, the truth is that no one here can check on that (this is an internet site not a surveillance devise).

FWIW, exceptionally bright children are not uncommon. The ones I have met always excelled in more than one subject.

Well, TBH, even though I think it's bang out of line for the teacher to alter the cast list due to pressure from a parent, I would aso say that your dd sounds like she's got enough going for her to be able to deal with it. I fully acknowledge that it's good to have talented kids showcasing drama events, but at our (state) school we do try to share it all out a bit. Otherwise, all sorts of resentments and neuroses can fester......
That said, the harassment after school is not on. Speak to the teacher about that part straightaway.

is not a raw nerve is troll sense tingling.

I love the idea of a "squeaking part".

No not a raw nerve, my ds is too young for to be exposed to this competitive behaviour, yet. thank god.
I do think that at a fee paying or any school it is in the interests of all the children to encourage sharing of prizes / lead roles.
Why not?, they are only 6 years old. Plenty of time to take it more seriously; As some parents obviously seem to.
As for the bullying aspect. Yes op should sought it out.

Well I feel thoroughly disheartened, I posted my dilemma here because i thought I would get practical imapartial advice, clearly I was wrong. My children are being terrorised by a woman old enough to be my mother. I feel slightly intimidated of this woman because of that.
I am well aware that my life may look pretty much perfect from the outside and in many respects I am very lucky. But that doesn't mean that I don't find this woman's behaviour very upsetting.
To correct a few misconceptions, yes I am young. Yes I am STUDYING for a phd, no don't already have one. Yes my children go to a fee paying school, yes my husband and I are relatively well off but NOT excessively so. Yes my daughter did get a few prizes but there were also prizes for science, humanities, progress, spelling and dancing.
I'm not a pushy or boastful woman, I'm very modest, in real life you would have seen my embarrasment at having to disclose my daughter's achievements, I find it awkward. I'm quite shy, I can't turn to any of my closest friends for advice because most of them aren't yet married or in a longterm relationship never mind having school age children.
As for my nickname I don't see that its any of your buisness but my given name is Isabelle (Bella) and my maiden name began with the letters D-O-N hence my nickname BellaDonna given to me by father in early childhood. I was born in 1979.

I didn't know where else to turn, I am desperate and it seems all I have recieved here is hostility.
I thought that everything I included in my posts was possibly relevant to how this woman is treating my babies, my husband and myself.
I have never judged anyone on a forum because you can't hear innnonation, inflection or body language therefore it is very difficult to understand how a poster would be speaking in real life.

You need to speak to the school about this as it is happening on their premises when they are responsible for your children. What is your relationship with the school & nursery like?

if only our last post was for first...
chin up, your op came across as boastful, but this womans behaviour towards your family is horrible, really.
PLEASE speak to the headteacher about it as soon as you can

Your child is being bullied. You need to sort it our atriaght away regardless of who is doing it. If you don't, then you can't complain about what this other woman does.

See, BellaDonna, your OP did come across as a bit boastful and I think posters were reacting to that.

Think you've got to get the school to manage the situation with your ds and after care a bit better. And teach your kids to say 'That's not a nice thing to say' VERY loudly if this woman digs at them again.

I repeat that the after-school harrassment is out of order and you must speak to the teacher about it. Also, it was unfair of the teacher to switch parts in that way. I can't speak for others and their responses to your post, but it does seem that you are genuinely puzzled as to why this woman is behaving in this way. If a cross-section of the forum here are wondering if you might be coming across to the other mum in a certain manner, is it not worth considering it as a possibility? I'm not saying you are, but that it might be her perception. And then you can decide whether to try to mend bridges, or tell her to shove it! (Sure you wouldn't though. You sound too polite! )
But whatever, I absolutely do not think you should consider removing your children from the school, assuming they are happy in all other respects. This one can be sorted, I'm sure.

Not knowing anything about private schools (and never will) I am quite shocked that other parents have access to your child at 3 o'clock. That needs to be sorted.

when a new poster starts a thread on a potentially controversial topic it can cause eyebrows to be raised. a recent thread started by a journalist who appeared to be trawling for quotes to add to her article on the subject of competitive parenting may have been upmost in people's minds when they responded to this thread.

I think when ppl picture bullying mums at the school gate, they think of some sort of stereotype rough chav with gold sovereign rings for knuckledusters and a voice like a foghorn, yet some of the most insidious comment come from competitive professional parent - the aggressive father on the touchline, the sniping mother who passes comment with a smile on other mothers/children.

Whether the OP is rich or not is immaterial. She isn't boasting but explaining the scenario otherwise we wouldn't get how unpleasant the other mother is being.

I still maintain she should have a word with the staff and explain that this woman is to be kept from your son and, although I initially meant it in jest, it wouldn't be a bad idea to arm your son with a few phrases like "That's not very nice". My son was told to say this loudly by dh and the nursery when he was being bitten by his friend & I don't see why similar tactics can't be used on this unpleasant woman.