Negative view of parenting

[Theyarealltaken]

I wonder how did you feel after your baby arrived? I don’t know if I’m seeing too many negative things but I’m just overwhelmed with the “bad view” of becoming a mother. I hear about exhaustion, lack of sleep, sore nipples and breasts, lochia, weak pelvic floor, scars (metal and physical), potential postnatal depression or baby blues, loss of identity, struggle to bond with a baby, missing old life etc. As a person that never really likes babies/children it fills me up with anxiety and stress. I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant and don’t really hear about anything positive related to your new life as a mother.
Have you experienced similar issue? Could anyone tell me something good about postpartum period?
I am scared ☹️

I enjoyed this bit, yes it was tiring and had to heal from a c section but it was enjoyable, I fully immersed myself into a baby bubble. Finding it harder now she's 2 tbh , enjoy 😊

To be fair, I think most people are scared. It is a huge change to your life. I think much depends on the birth experience you have and that, in many ways, is down to luck. The first few weeks/months are hard, but if you are prepared for that, I think it is easier to deal with. Good support is important, and being willing to ask for help when you need it.

Like all new experiences, you have to learn the skills. Being a Mum is different as all babies are different.

I am sure you will be fine.

I do think a lot of people scare you about parenthood and there is no doubt: it's tough BUT unconditional love like you've never felt before makes everything worth it. It's so strange how you start to love this little human more than your husband or anyone on this planet.

I actually found the beginning pretty easy, no feeding issues and the baby slept all the time (yes you're up in the night but mine never cried, some don't believe it). As PP, it's harder now with a 2 year old x

So much about it is so lovely ❤️ The weight of your baby heavy on your chest as they sleep, their tiny little features and hands, the snuffly baby noises. A whole new part of your identity to grow and develop. Learning just how strong and resilient you can be. Learning to love this whole, wonderful new person who is made of you.

It’s incredible. Of course it’s hard, and people need support for those bits which is why they post about them. But it’s also wonderful, and life-enhancing, and brilliant.

I'd rather be prepared for all the crap stuff though - I know someone who didn't know about lochia and thought she was bleeding to death.

Here's some good things:
When your baby laughs and it's the loveliest sound
Super soft baby skin and hair
When they're asleep and look so peaceful
When they look at you like you're the best person in the world even though you haven't washed your hair in a week and your clothes have sick on them.

I adored the newborn stage with dd1. She is a little more hard work now she's 3 but she makes me laugh, her hugs are the best in the world and my heart aches with love for her.

Dd2 is a lockdown baby so her first year has been a lot harder but she is so sweet. She is our last baby so I am savouring every moment with her.

Children are hard work but for me they are so worth it. Good luck with the last few weeks of your pregnancy.

I totally love the newborn experience (and subsequent months/years) , so much so that I've done it 4 times! The challenges are a small price to pay for how wonderful it can be!

People who have low expectations and don't actually like other people's kids have a far easier time. I expected it to be shit and it was slightly shit but I loved DD a LOT. People who go into it loving babies and thinking they will be earth mothers struggle far more IME.

My early years educator friend was lost. She realised that giving them back was the key to her calm and happy demeanor.

I had wonderful births, great experience breastfeeding, body bounced back within days.. All my newborns were super easy (slept pretty badly as they got older though...) but the first few months i was in heaven, it was so, so easy. Floating around with a sling, read loads, slept fine in between feeds (breastfed all three up to 2). I experienced pure euphoria with all their births. Me and my dh have no family support but have travelled loads with our kids we still do loads of exercise, kept up our hobbies.

The thing is op things also got really, really , really hard at times. Two of my dcs didn't sleep for years (we had an excellent routine, no bad habits etc etc ), my second suffered severely with reflux and just woke screaming constantly for years all night , my dh is an amazing dad and dh but I had no one to talk about this outside of this , none of my friends had kids yet and I found it the total opposite re ppl, I had only ever heard the magic , instagram-type stories where ppl have a load of kids and its super easy and barely impacts their lives.
Also where I live ppl really don't seem to talk or be open about the struggles.
I know ppl who are pregnant hate hearing negatives and I totally get that. I would have thought it was bullshit that kids woke up so much when older (I genuinely didn't realise older kids could sleep badly , I honestly thought it was bad parenting...) but its so , so important that parents particularly, mothers can talk and rant and gauge what's normal . I felt so isolated and alone at times, I'm so glad mn exists. One of my friends who is pregnant got offended when a co-worker said "try and sleep a lot now as you might not get a chance once baby is born" I mean that's diplomatic (I genuinely didn't sleep properly for years post-kids) and she was offended and a bit rolly-eyed about the comment. We are 36 and our youngest is 4 but all my friends are having their first now.
I say absolutely nothing but I sometimes feel I'm almost lying like I have to pretend its not affected me at all having kids and I think my dh and me might make it look easy but it really, really isn't but I think we have felt we ha e to be positive about family life all the time. Wonderful, best thing we have ever done, love our children to the moon and back but we are fckn soooooo tired.
Honestly one baby is easy op, you'll have wonderful times and actually most newborns sleep well, I was up walking around a few hours after giving birth, particularly when I had other kids to look after! It isn't all bad at all but ppls experiences vary and its good to be able to talk.

I think people talk about it because there used ot be such a culture of not talking about it and everyone felt pressured to be all rosy and loved up with their newborn when they were actually sleep deprived, in agony and unable to latch the baby on to feed.

No doubt about it for me, the first year after DC's birth was the hardest year of my life. But the love you feel for them, the gorgeous snuggly bundles of them, the thrill when they first gaze or smile at you or chuckle or try to say your name, when their arms and legs do that cute spontaneous dancing thing - all of that makes it worthwhile. You feel love like you've never felt before. It makes up for everything.

In my opinion it’s very individual how you feel after the birth. I had a c section, EBF and just felt in a blurry cycle of feed, change, sleep repeat.... it is hard work!
My DS is now 15 months and although it’s still hard work, nobody makes me laugh or smile like he does. Literally my cheeks hurt sometimes from how big the smile is on my face.
It’s lovely seeing them grow and develop and think I made you! It’s just a feeling you cannot describe but you will feel it too.
One thing I will say is don’t compare yourself, you might absolutely love the newborn stage and if you don’t then that’s okay too. You’re allowed to say it’s hard work but the sleepless nights, breastfeeding, tears and tantrums are SO worth it! I love my life with my little boy in it xx

What @Cowbells said with bells on 🥁
I find/ found ppl don't talk about it, it was the same during the pandemic, apparently everyone around me was just loving homeschooling and working at the same time as bylocating seems to be a new skill parents need now. One to one I heard of some really tough situations but all in public it was all thumbs up !

I think it's human nature that people tend to share bad news more than good. In the same way to tend to read more horror stories about birth. People who have uneventful births tend not to write about them and "well, it was all ok really" isn't newsworthy.
I've also noticed there's a trend at the moment for presenting yourself as a "bad mother" with feral children. It probably started from a good place to counteract social media posts from "perfect parents" and some posts are very funny, but I think it's wearing thin now and runs the risk of painting parenthood as a hideous nightmare. It isn't. It has its ups and down of course, but remember that most of us do it more than once so it can't be that bad!

There’s lots of brilliant stuff. All of a sudden there’s this person you made there, it’s awesome. They look like a weird, wrinkly little alien at first (or mine did anyway) that’s pretty cool. They open their eyes for the first time that’s amazing. They want to be cuddled all the time (good and bad that one). Every new thing they do like fart or smile is so amazing and you have to take 20 pictures. You’ve got an excuse to laze about all day and you can put anything on the telly they won’t notice it. There poos don’t even smell that bad until they eat real food. Newborns are great.

Going into it with no expectations is probably the way to go.

I don't like children, spent my adult life avoiding other people's until an unplanned pregnancy. I expected to be miserable and tbh the newborn stage wasn't my idea of fun but even at that age there were amazing parts, snuggles on the sofa, her first smile and every time she did something new (a massive sense of pride and wonder at things that are completely normal for her age 😂). She's 1.5 now and Mumsnet helped me realise we all enjoy different stages I'm enjoying her more and more as she gets older and can do more and is developing her own personality even when that includes the word no a lot 😂. So you may absolutely love the newborn stage or you may just need to get through it to get to the stage that you do enjoy, no stage lasts forever so you know things won't stay as bad as your worst stage forever.

My birth didn’t go as planned but it was still an amazing, empowering experience. I bounced back quickly and with very little pain after, despite a traumatic birth. All those (bodily) things you mention were either minor or passed quickly. Baby slept amazingly well from the start (still does at 13 months old), was sleeping through by 6 weeks and a very easy baby in other ways too. We had lots of visitors, cards, flowers, gifts by post so we felt very loved and were completely in love with this perfect little baby, we were just completely wrapped in a giant love bubble It was also hard, hardest year of my life no doubt and sometimes frustrating and unrewarding and boring but my job was all of those things too and none of the love, cuddles and affection. Those first months were so very special and although I’m not a particularly maternal person, I find motherhood fairly easy and fulfilling. You also get to do lots of happy kids stuff like watch cartoons and go on swings I’d say preparation is half the battle - staying fit (before and after birth), eating well, rest, daily walk and gentle exercise, kegels absolute must - it really increases the chances of an easy birth and swift recovery (physically and mentally). Good luck, hope everything goes well x

Sorry if this is rude but if you don’t like babies/children why are you having one?

I totally agree, people are always trying to tell moms to be "how it really is" and it's always relentlessly negative, "enjoy your sleep now!" "Your body will be destroyed!" "You and your husband will hate each other and you'll never have sex again!" I know that people do struggle with the post partum period at times but the above has not been my experience. My baby girl is 7 weeks old, here is how it's going:
Sleep- she sleeps one five hour stretch, then one two to three hour stretch at night. In the daytime she usually gives me one good long nap where I can clean/cook/nap, sometimes two. She does marathon/cluster feed in the evening, which is no big deal, my husband and I like to eat in front of the TV and watch the mandalorian, doesn't everyone?
Post baby body- between my pregnancy and giving birth I am 40lbs down from my prepregnancy weight, I definitely had the weight to lose (could stand to lose another 20-30lbs) and haven't lost any significant weight since week 3pp, though I hear a lot of moms lose weight breastfeeding. I think I look great! My tummy skin is a little loose and I have some stretch marks which bother me not at all. One nice thing is that everyone who visits will tell you you look amazing even if it isn't true.
I had a shit ton of stiches but only a first degree tear, they are all dissolved now, I don't see any difference in my vagina and everything feels good and is in good working order. That being said I highly recommend the epidural, I was opposed to it but my little's heart rate dropped and she needed to come out RIGHT NOW and I wouldn't have been able to push as hard if I could feel all the pain! They told me I would have to have a c-section if I couldn't get her out in 10 mins so I really wanted to make it happen.
Relationship: my husband and I are doing great, I am not saying this to brag, I was so scared our relationship would change for the worse (because of all the articles that tell you your relationship will change for the worse) but that hasn't been my experience at all. We are such a team and it's so awesome to have one other person who is on my level about how great this little baby is. We spend a lot of time saying "look at her perfect face" I love seeing him with her and when he gets home from work he immediately takes over as primary parent and does all soothing and diaper changes (everything except feeding as she's ebf) and he loves doing it and never gets annoyed. We've had two "tense" (not even really cross) moments since she was born, one because we were stressed out that her swaddle was going to smother her (she is really tiny) and were having trouble finding a solution and the other because her temp was hovering just above the normal range so we kept undressing and redressing her. Both of these happened in the first couple days, first time parent stuff. We did institute a rule that he's not allowed to come home and immediately go to the bathroom, he has to go at work before he leaves. Idk why but it's infuriating when they come home and go to the bathroom for 10-15 mins (why do men take so long to shit?!)

I was really worried about pnd because I am a high anxiety person and previously medicated for it but I haven't had any trouble with that at all.

Not everyone loves the newborn phase and it's really ok not to but I think it's important to say that your life may not actually become a hellacious nightmare and in fact could be 1000 times better. In addition to all the other stuff is the overwhelming, from your soul love that you'll feel for the baby, words can't describe. I think the biggest thing you can do to help have a happy post partum phase is to get on the same page with your partner about how much he'll need to help out and to cut each other a lot of slack and try to lead with kindness in all your interactions.

I want to add that our baby has some health problems, but even with that worry we are so happy and wouldn't do things differently in a million years. It's possible to be really happy even when things aren't 100% perfect.

Good luck, I hope it goes as well for you as it has for me!!

I definitely think there’s a fine balance to strike. There’s no doubt that your life turns upside down overnight, it’s overwhelming. The pressure that’s on you to keep this beautiful small person healthy and happy and to be sent home from hospital with this enormous responsibility when you have no idea what any of their cries means...and my DS was a BIG crier! I think any parent should be aware that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, I personally will never tell a pregnant woman to “enjoy every minute as it goes so fast”...the time does go fast and they grow and change quickly but hand on heart I did not enjoy every one of those minutes, nobody does. But also, those people who say “you’ll never sleep again”...nonsense. Of course you will, your kid isn’t going to be coming into your bed and keeping you awake when they’re a teenager.
I’m currently pregnant with baby number two and I’d by lying if I said I wasn’t anxious to go through it all again but god, there’s some incredible moments. The first smiles, the giggles (nobody in this world thinks I’m as funny as my son does), the koala cuddles when they’re fast asleep on your chest, the joy when your baby finally sleeps in their cot and you sit down with a cup of tea...glorious!!

@MrsTerryPratchett

People who have low expectations and don't actually like other people's kids have a far easier time. I expected it to be shit and it was slightly shit but I loved DD a LOT. People who go into it loving babies and thinking they will be earth mothers struggle far more IME.

My early years educator friend was lost. She realised that giving them back was the key to her calm and happy demeanor.

Yes absolutely this has been my experience. I never liked babies and always said I wished you could just have children that started off at the age of 7... I was expecting the baby stage to be total shit and actually it's been fine, turns out babies are great when they're yours and not other people's 😂Yes it's still hard but nowhere near as bad as I was expecting. I spent most of the first couple of months reading on the sofa and eating biscuits with a baby asleep on me.

My 4 year old today threw himself at me and said: I don’t know why but I can’t stop loving you. 🥰🥰
Babies I am not a mega fan of. But everything after about a year is great. I am particularly fond of the toddler stage despite being held hostage to a small irrational human sometimes.

I felt exactly the same as most people around me just kept telling me how hard it was, how horrific their births were, how they've never been so tired etc etc. Im a worrier anyway and ended up with really bad anxiety during my pregnancy because of all the negativity around me. My LO is only 7 months so I may still have worse to come, but so far it's been so much better than I thought it would be. There's definitely hard days, and the night we got home from the hospital with her I definitely questioned if having a baby was the right decision but overall I love it. Motherhood is genuinely the best thing I've ever done and I've never experienced love and happiness like it.

The first week or 2 was a bit hard as you’re recovering and have this brand new person to look after, but once you fall into a routine its oretth enjoyable. I loved the newborn stage even with the sleepless nights and constant feeding and changes, found it very tough between 7-12 months with teething and sleep regressions but its a short phase which you forget quickly.

then toddlerhood starts and its fun again with
their personalities coming through.

She makes me laugh everyday and i’m amazed at what an incredible little person she is becoming.

I think its very important you have a supportive partner as well to help when things do get a bit too much and you can have a break.

Of all the negative things you've listed, you'd be very unlucky to experience all of them!! I was never really into babies and was apprehensive about becoming a mother, but I now have a 4 month old DS and on the whole I'm loving motherhood. Yes, childbirth was painful; yes, the first couple of months were tough and knackering; my mood has ebbed and flowed and it's not plain sailing; sometimes it feels like groundhog day. But I've learnt that if you keep an open mind, take each phase as it comes and try and live in the moment (I know that's a cliche!) it is very enjoyable!! I'm totally in love with my DS and now can't imagine my life any other way. Good luck!!

I almost didn’t have any children because I had read so much of how awful it was. I had no broodiness at all.
As it turns out it was actually much better than I feared. I had a good birth, great hospital stay, great support and found it all generally lovely.
The sleep deprivation was awful but physically I felt amazing apart from that. No hint of PND etc. I had no stretch marks, no weight gain post birth, no physical damage etc. EBF successfully (it is hard work to BF for the first 6-12 weeks, but after that it’s easy).
Some people do have a lovely positive time. It’s those that don’t that are more vocal (understandably).
I even enjoyed the postnatal ward, which is unheard of on Mumsnet.