Issues with ‘MIL’

[CatLady1987]

Evening! In need of a bit of advice here. My son’s grandmother (not with baby’s dad so not a MIL) sees my son once a week, every week for a few hours in the park. She meets up with my mum who provides childcare and they have a socially distanced walk as she isn’t in our bubble. As restrictions lift she will see him more as she has to supervise his father’s contact with him.

She said to my 18 month old today that she will see him at the weekend to give him his Easter chocolate. She hasn’t asked me if she can come round, rather told my child she will see him at the weekend. I agreed to her giving him a chocolate bunny and she was asking questions about whether I was off over Easter. But not once did she ask if she could come and visit (not the first time).

We haven’t had the easiest relationship. She’s very controlling and manipulative and has been known to just invite her parents or partner (pre-Covid) around when she visits, without asking me. She doesn’t respect me as a parent and complains frequently she doesn’t get enough videos or photos (passively aggressively telling my son she doesn’t get many or doesn’t see him very often, rather than directly). I do send her some photos but I refuse to send her every photo or video I take.

My issue is this, do I wait for her to ask and do I let her see him at Easter? It’s Tuesday now and she hasn’t asked me directly and I’ve made plans to see a friend on the Monday. What’s upsetting me is the fact it’s just expected and she uses my son by telling him she’s going to see him.

We had the worst year last year because of the things her son did and she’s been absolutely awful to me in the past. I’ve never stopped her seeing him but I just don’t know what to do. She sees him every week and some grandparents don’t see their grandkids at all at the moment, it’s just nothing is good enough for her. She’s possessive and manipulative and undermines me at every turn.

Please be gentle with any replies, I’ve had a terrible last year and I don’t want to keep him from her but the control and expectation has to stop somewhere and I feel like the more I give, the more she will take.

TIA

Can you preempt it, perhaps by asking her if she has a spare five mins for you to FaceTime so he can say happy Easter as you will be busy all weekend?

I’m guessing you aren’t very assertive with her so fallen into a pattern of her doing what she wants, when she wants.

@ColourfulElmerElephant - thank you so much, that’s a really good idea.

I’m not very assertive with her and I give her a lot of leeway but it’s never good enough. I just have to set a precedent where she can’t just have whatever she wants, whenever she wants it if that makes sense?

I’m conscious of rocking any boats with contact for my son and his father but I can’t see SS would have an issue with me saying no to her seeing him one time, when she’s seen him every other time she’s asked and at least weekly for a long time!

As a grandparent she has no rights. If she's supervising her son as per SS then she can see your ds with her son as per his contact schedule. You don't have to give her any extra time at all.

@negomi90 - thank you. I just don’t want it to seem like I’m not getting on with her or I’m being difficult and not letting her see him. She does see him every week even though his father is only just being allowed to see him once a month. It’s just the way she does it. She messages every weekend to ask how he is and ‘to give him a big kiss’ from her. I feel like I never have a weekend properly to myself. At first she saw him every Sunday but thankfully now my mum meets her I don’t have to see her as much. However, there’s always a message waiting, every week without fail. Is it wrong to just want some space from her? I understand she doesn’t have rights but he needs to know her as she’s supervising his father’s contact and I wouldn’t be cruel and keep him
From her, I just wish she’d be a normal human being and ask rather than using him and telling him she’s coming to see him. Imagine if we’re busy one weekend and I can’t meet her and he’s old enough to understand, he’d be so upset if I said we couldn’t see her - when she’d already promised it!

Definitely pre - empt the situation by arranging something. Either suggest you meet in a park for 30 mins or if that is not good for you then suggest a FaceTime. Which ever you do say that you are planning lots of things so need to arrange something now to fit her in.

@Thatwentbadly - thank you. Do you think that shows I’m in control? I thought preempting it might show her who is boss (not that I like to be in control but she’ll walk all over me otherwise). I won’t be suggesting a walk, I think video call is my best bet, then she sees him but I’m not stuck in having to wait for her or unable to make plans on the one day I don’t have anything planned, just because she wants to come over. I just wish she’d ask instead of telling him she’s coming, I wouldn’t have an issue with it!

I’m not sure it is so bad a GM saying ‘I’ll see you at the weekend to give your Easter gift’.

Does she have to ask to knock the door and hand over an egg? That seems a bit odd to me tbh.

Give her a choice night not make her feel like your in control but you will be which is the important bit. Send her a message saying do you want to arrange a time to FaceTime baby over Easter or are you going to just wait until you see him next whatever day she sees your Mum to say Happy Easter when your handing over the egg. It’s called false choice technique and it works well with children. With children you say things like do you want to wear the red top or the blue top or do you want to walk or scoot to nursery and they have some control over something minor but what they really given in and put their clothes on and gone to nursery.

Either way if you know what is happening it stops you sitting worrying about it.

@Thatwentbadly - thank you, that’s a really good idea.

@Chewbecca -so you’d just turn up uninvited? It wouldn’t be knocking on the door. It would be a grand ceremony of videos and photos and ‘look how amazing grandma is for giving you Easter chocolate’. I’m not being unreasonable, she’s seen him today. She sees him every week. She’s not my mother, she’s my ex partner’s mother and he can’t see his son in any normal way. I suppose you think it’s normal to invite family members / partners round when you visit without asking the mother / house owner?

All I want is to be asked and respected.

@chewbecca - I wouldn't have a problem with my family just turning up because I love them and they love and respect me. There is no way I would want my ex mil coming round! My ex mil only sees my daughter when she sees her dad. My ex mil has to be the centre of attention, the one that taught her to speak or walk or catch a ball etc and I'm always the bad parent, not clothing her right, not feeding her enough etc - it's draining and upsetting to spend time with someone who only wants to put you down and disrespect you. I caught my mil teaching my daughter how to answer 'who do you love more, your mummy or your nanny' 🙄

@Comeonmommy - oh god, she sounds just like my version! Sorry you have to put up with that 😔, it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone though!

Yes, in a regular family situation, knocking on the door to give a GC a gift isn’t a big deal. And given the current rules, I wouldn’t expect to go in or anything, just hand over the gift on the doorstep. I understand your family situation is strained though.

Despite having my own mil issues and understanding what is like to have a mil who oversteps and who has acted badly toward me, I wouldn't have an issue with her turning up at the door to hand over a chocolate bunny. I also doubt your 18mo will understand much about her saying she's coming etc but I realise this will become a problem in the future.
She's also tried asking about when you are off etc. What else can she do?
It must really sting seeing her dgs through your own dm and it's very admirable of your Mum to meet up with her.

@Chewbecca - trust me, if she was reasonable it wouldn’t be an issue, but she undermines me at every turn. I agreed he could have some chocolate but the expectation is that she can do what she wants. She gets pissy if she can’t take a good photo or she’s not getting something out of it. If it was truly for my son’s benefit why not bring the chocolate along on their walk today? All I want is for her to ask me, not tell my son she’s coming. What happens, for example, if she tells him she’s coming and we can’t be in to see her one day? Then I have a disappointed little boy to explain why he can’t see her. It’s not about him, it’s about her and what she gets out of it. She once said to him ‘oh isn’t your mummy a nightmare’ for putting sun cream on him in the summer. Granted he couldn’t understand but why on Earth say that?

I always wanted a good relationship with her and I give her the time to see him even though I literally can’t stand her. But this feels like a pivotal moment, it’s a chance to finally say ‘no’, just once, to show her she’s not in control. I’m not being mean, for example she came on Christmas morning and saw him and got to open presents with him before I did. There’s just got to be a boundary where I’m the mum and she’s the grandma.

Then do just that. Message or call her, inform her your plans have changed but you are able to FaceTime, would she like to do the Saturday or Sunday (etc).

If she is as bad as you say, be prepared for the pushback and have some answers ready. BUT once you've said no, don't back down.

All I can say is I don’t mind if friends or family members knock the door to give gifts to a household member without agreeing it in advance. There’s no undermining or assuming involved,, it’s just giving a gift.

There’s obviously an awful lot more to this and I am clearly not helping.

Have you received any counselling since your break up.
I mean this really kindly but worrying over a message from a grandparent at the weekend seems a rather intense reaction?
She’s his granny, whilst she doesn’t have rights she is is showing an interest in her grand child. Showing up every week to meet your mum that sounds lovely.
I often cuddle my nieces and nephews when they are being annoyed by their parents re: the sun team incident, and tell the parent off in a fun way it’s not serious. I’m wondering if you’re taking everything a bit too personally.

@sauvignonblancplz - yes, I’ve had a lot of counselling. It’s not worrying over a message, it’s worrying over a very controlling person who tells my son she’s coming to see him rather than arranging anything with me, when we might be busy.

If you think what I’ve described as her behaviour sounds normal then fine, but I’ve been gaslit and put down for too long. Tell me what is funny about calling a child’s mother a nightmare for putting sun cream on them?

There’s showing an interest and then there’s passive aggressive comment making, bossing and telling me what to do. Like I said, I’ve always involved her and she sees him every week despite the fact she has made me feel like utter crap on many occasions.

But yeah, sure, I’m taking it too personally.

Listen you sound very upset and you’ve asked for an outsiders perspective so I’m just doing that. It’s not my intention to upset you further .

However how do you know what she said to your 18month old? He hardly repeated it?

She’s part of his life and sounds like she loves him.
No one can question your integrity as his mum and it sounds like you’re a great mum who is trying to surround him with lots of love. Focus on that and try not to worry.
Surely if she calls and you aren’t there then that’s a non-issue and if she calls and you are there then it’ll be a quick hello and good bye.
If she calls with other family members and you can’t entertain then just say it’ll lovely you called but I’m a bit busy would another day suit?
If you don’t want to see the great grandparents etc that’s totally your choice . You need to worry about how she feels about those decisions as that’s not in your control.
Be confident in yourself .

*don’t need to worry

However how do you know what she said to your 18month old? He hardly repeated it?

This. And anyway, how could she assume he'd remember? If she said it to your mother, your mother must tell her to make arrangements via your ex , or with you directly (whichever works).

@sauvignonblancplz - I’m fine, sorry if I sounded upset. She said it to my son in front of my mum. Mum didn’t say anything to her as she didn’t want to cause any issues (which we seem to do all the time). The bigger issue here is not asking. We’re not buddy-buddy family members who drop in on each other (if it was my mum or my friends then fine and great) but we aren’t and sadly that’s the way of it. Literally all I want her to do is ask before she tells him she’s coming round. It’s simple respect for me as his mum and respect for the limited time we get together because I work full-time.

If she pops round and doesn’t tell me then I won’t be answering the door 🤣 sadly it’s not that kind of a relationship. She’s made it clear that I don’t matter from day one, which no longer bothers me but what example does that set for a child? His mother doesn’t matter.

It sounds innocent and lovely and on the face of it, it is. But unfortunately unless you’ve been under the grip of someone controlling, it probably doesn’t make sense.

I understand and you’re trying to regain control by trying to read the situation & prepare yourself by being a step ahead .
You’re very anxious of the situation and are clearly carrying complex scars , whilst being a new mum.
I hope you continue with the counselling and soon will be able to deploy strategies and tools that will help you manage the relationship so that you aren’t under so much pressure .

A good tip I often use , is I think when I get annoyed or frustrated at someone else’s actions or find myself trying to understand it by overthinking it .I think to myself will this matter in 5minutes, 5 days or 5 years .
Navigating relationships with in-laws can be difficult at the best of times never mind if there are other bigger issues at play.
You’ll get there .

If there is "always a message waiting" try responding to less of them, say one in three. You are not there to be at her beck and call. When people want me to do things for them I make them work for it.