Don't want to be a sahm anymore

[chocolatesweets]

I feel like a bad mum.

I've been a stay at home mum for 3 years. To twins. We couldn't afford childcare so I cared for them at home.

We are eligible for the 30 hours free childcare now they're 3 but I have a complex about it.

My mum used to always pass comments regarding working mothers. Saying what was the point of having kids if you didn't want to be with them. I love my kids but I don't want to be with them all day everyday. I can't give them constant stimulation and I need adult interaction. Especially now, there is nowhere to take them.

My mum's started making comments about me being a diva and putting me down when I comment on how tired I am of the situation. In my anger I said I once regretted becoming a mother. The pandemic has made things so hard. I didn't mean it at all but my mother said it was an awful thing to say.

Don't tell her. Put them into nursery. None of her bloody business.

You're not a bad mum for wanting to work. It sounds like your problem is your mother.

I didn't have children to be with them 24/7. I did it knowing that there is a school system in our country, and that I can work hard, earn money to provide for them and enjoy my weekends with them, holidays, hobbies etc with them.
Your mother is the problem.

This is not a conversation you (specifically; although also me) can have with your mother. She will only make you feel shit about yourself. She will not approve and you cannot earn her approval, but you can be kinder to yourself and choose to do what works for you and your family.

I can't afford to be a SAHM to my 3yo and I wouldn't choose it if I could. I love to be with her and I love to have a separate existence too.

Your DM sounds overbearing.

It's absolutely none of your mums business!! You're still a person - there's nothing wrong with wanting to go to work, it's absolutely your choice!! I think it's very easy for your mum to say you should stay at home, but how often is she singlehandedly watching your twins?! Everyone is different - some people find being a sahp really fulfilling, and other people find working outside the home gives them that fulfilment, there's no right or wrong option, it's a personal preference.

If you go back to your work and your mum says anything, just cheerfully agree and wrong foot her. Parenting in a pandemic must be horrific, and your mum will have no idea of what it is like to parent these days - the world is very different to how it would have been when you were a child!

Don't discuss the topic of work or childcare with your mum, and put the children in nursery for as long as suits you/them. Then look for a job if you want/need one and don't discuss that with your mum either.

Your mum sounds like a bad mum to me. What sort of mum makes their child feel bad about her parenting?

Ignore your DM. Is she always that rude and judgemental?

If you don't want to be a SAHM, get your kids in nursery ASAP and start looking for work. I couldn't be a SAHM either, my DC is nearly 3 and I've worked 4 days a week since she was 9 months old. Initially this wasn't through choice as we needed my income to survive as DH was a student however he started his job a year ago earning double what I do, so I could have quit then if I'd wanted to, but no. I definitely couldn't cope mentally with being a SAHM. We do what's best for our family and it's nobody else's business.

We can afford for me to be a SAHM, and I did for 4 years while DH did a super stressful assignment.
Then he took a step back, and we could still afford to have kids at school, me at home and a healthy savings account.
And I've CHOSEN to go back to work. Admittedly I've snagged a TTO contract, which makes life much more straightforward, but the self worth I get for me is worth the (pittance of a) salary I get each month.

If you want to go back to work, GO!

You are right to consider your options and do what works best for your young family.

Keep chasing your dreams for a happy life and ignore your mum’s comments. Your mum is heartless to call you a diva; being a parent to twins is crazy busy and exhausting. Your twins may adjust fairly quickly to childcare 3 days a week and thrive and you could also find that you have more energy to enjoy parenting them

Ignore your mother, your children will love nursery. It’s great for their development and will prepare them for school.
And you need some time to be you, not mum. Good luck.

OP I’ll honestly say I was in your situation but my daughter is a lot younger. My mum said exactly the same, I started work part time 4 weeks ago just working 3 days a week, I feel like I’m myself again. Like I’ve got a new lease of life. The most positive thing is every second I get with my daughter I make the most of it, she’s getting a better happier mum and loving nursery because she’s with children her own age.
Do what’s right for you, if it means your children will have a happier more fulfilled mum then you know what you’ve got to do.

Your mum is out of order.

I faced a similar issue when Ds was small (dm was a sahm to me and my siblings and although she never voiced it, i knew she wasn’t happy about ds going to nursery). However, I’d have been a bloody useless, impatient, miserable parent if ds hadn’t gone to nursery at 2. I was happy, he was happy, it was right for us. He’s now at school, but DM was so impressed with how happy he was at nursery and how much it helped his development that she’s completely come around to the concept now!

If it helps the free childcare for 3yo and some 2yo is not for childcare purposes. It was put in place due to the importance of early education not for any other reason (as useful as it is for working mothers, including myself). Do what is right for you and your family but if you need to let your DM know how important it is for children to get these early opportunities. Not that you need to explain yourself to anyone!

What's it got to do with your mum? Do what you want and what's best for your children.

My mother once said that if I didn’t stay home
When my children were young, she wanted me to pay them back for the help they gave me during university. This was after the fact. I flat out told her that wouldn’t be happening. It turned out that I did decide to stay home for a few years, but it had nothing to do with her.

Go back to work if you want. Your children are old enough.

Your mother is completely and utterly out of order. What a load of misogynistic rubbish. Assuming you have a male OH, I bet she wouldn’t be saying to him he should be staying at home and enjoying his kids? You do you and if work is what you want to do then do it. As a child of a SAHM I am 100% sending my boy to nursery 3 days a week as I feel myself and my brothers actually missed out! Good luck xx

Even if you choose to continue to stay at home, the free childcare is for education and to prepare them for school so regardless it’s probably silly not to use it (unless you were a parent who was planning to home educate say). I was a SAHM til recently and always used my free hours for DS though I chose to send him mornings only rather than the 30 hours I was entitled to. I found I got judgment off people for not using all the hours & why wouldn’t I and I should have so that I’d get more time with my younger DD (I was happy as I was and we all enjoyed our afternoon outings so why change?). I say this so you see you can’t please others as everyone has contrary opinions, and you can only do what works for your family!

I’m now a working parent (part time), which I also was for a time when DS was really little, and I did the SAHM thing in between. So I can tell you both paths have their own pros and cons and neither makes you a better or worse parent. I loved being a SAHM and I do miss it, but I’m enjoying working now too and because we are practised at being frugal with those years on one income, the extra income is allowing us to make very rapid progress on certain financial goals (savings and am starting mortgage overpayments and all this financial stability will benefit the kids too). So for me, I had my season at home which I loved, but now I’m in a new season and my 2yo has had to start nursery I certainly don’t think I’m a worse mum than I was before!

How are you getting 39 hours with only one parent working? I thought it was just 15 hours?

Sorry..30 hours..fat fingers!

I have the opposite problem - would absolutely love to be a SAHM but can’t afford it. Don’t listen to your mum though - do what is best for you x

I work full time shifts. I am not a bad mum. DS and I are as close as we were during maternity and I'm still BF him. I enjoy work, I have an important job that I'm good at and I help a lot of people. I miss DS and wish I could be with him more but we make the best of our situation.

My mum and sister both ended their careers when they had kids. I see the benefits of this but also downsides too. DS one day will see his mum being a successful independent person and this is important to.

Do what works for you and try not to give other people's judgements head space. I see so many threads about mums being judged for working or for being SAHM or for trying to juggle something inbetween. You'll never win.

Happy mums and happy families raise happy balanced children. Do what works for you.

You live your life for you, not your mother. Your life choices are based on what you feel is best for you and your family, not the opinions of others.

By the time I had DC2 i was desperate to return to work. IMO the longer you leave off returning to work the harder it is to progress in a career/job.

At 3yo your twins should be fine attending their free 30 hours and any on top of that while you find your feet again in the workplace. There are loads of free courses online and you could also try volunteer work to further boost your CV.

Good luck