Who’s in the wrong?

[MamaOl93]

My 4yo boy’s hair has grown longer because we couldn’t go to hairdressers due to lockdown and his hair is just reaching the top of his shoulders at the back of his neck, I decided I might leave it because it looks so lovely on him and has started to curl at the back.

My family kept pressuring me to get it cut on April 12th when the hairdressers reopen but I said I like it like this so I think I’m going to leave it. They weren’t impressed.
I went to work the next day, and my sister had text me to say she’d gone round to my dad’s (at his request, who was looking after him) and cut my son’s hair off.

I’m absolutely devastated. But they all think it’s a good thing.

Totally agree OP. Your family were in the wrong.

@eeyore228 thank you 🥺

That's awful and the way they treat you generally is awful.

I would start looking around for a local childminder. You may find one which is cheaper than or the same cost as nursery but with more flexible hours. Many will combine with local preschools, if you want or need to make use of the free hours provision. That's what I did when DS1 was 3 and I was a single parent. He went to preschool until 12 and then his childminder picked him up from there and looked after him for the afternoon, I picked him up at about 6 most days so he'd have his tea there etc. It can be cheaper than an after school club as well so you'll have a long term solution even once he starts at school.

You are definitely not in the wrong, and the way your father has and continues to treat you is not acceptable.

I understand that you have limited options right now but perhaps you can reduce your reliance on family by using a childminder instead of nursery? Childminders can be far more flexible on hours than nurseries, and many will do after school pickup and care which you'll need by the autumn anyway.

Omg I would be livid! How dare they!
You are completely in your right to be extremely annoyed with them. I can not understand why anyone would do something like this.

Happened again but regarding a different issue.
Easter Sunday tomorrow my dad’s offered to cook for us all, lamb dinner, I don’t eat lamb though out of personal choice so I’ll eat chicken.
I’ve just told my dad I would prefer it if my LO has chicken with me instead of lamb,
And he said it was stupid, strange and just weird.

Kept saying it was my decision as his mum but he just kept calling me those.
🙄

OP, I know you said your son was in nursery but have you considered a childminder? I know a few who work until 7.

My son has 30 hours in nursery therefore has no extra hours and as a single mum it’s hard to pay for. Also don’t wanna deduct hours at nursery as he has friends that go different days :(

Childcare is the card they hold and it seems as if they are not afraid to play it.

Are there any jobs that you could do which would include childcare. A company with a crèche, or a live in role at a school where your child could join others ?

They most definitely should not have cut his hair. This is about more than cutting hair, it’s about control.

You need to take control. You need to create some space and get other childcare, your father is too controlling and it’s leaving you powerless.

You need to decide what you want to do, can you cope until your probation is over? Can you renegotiate your hours to stop the end of the day issue?

If there is no way of moving away from these controlling arseholes right now then make plans for when you can put space between you.
Your child will be at school next year, count down the days until you can pull back.

The only person who has control over your life is YOU. You do not need to seek permission, agreement or support from anyone, your decisions and your life are your business and no one else’s.

If you feel like there is no way out just yet then make plans to disengage as much as possible, don’t tell them your business for a start. Don’t let them have any more access to your life than absolutely necessary.

Regarding your sons hair - I would be livid. Absolutely apocalyptic. But I appreciate right now you’re not in a place to fight this controlling behaviour

Hi @FinallyHere. Absolutely. My dad has played it multiple times and it’s because they know I’m stuck!

@Allgirlskidsanddogs I agree with you, I know it’s about control. Once when I had a date with a boyfriend a night before work, when my family were looking after my son, I went to work the next morning and then they told me they were keeping my son and wouldn’t bring him back as they didn’t want my son to meet my boyfriend.

@Ohpulltheotherone I really have no way out at the moment but once my little one is at school I’m hoping things will work out better however I’m still gonna rely on them for childcare due to work hours (that I can’t currently change) and we’re right back to how they know they have control. 🥺

Restarting this thread because yesterday I stood up for myself when my dad questioned something I said as my son’s mum, and then he started shouting at me, and threw my son’s heavy tub of eczema cream at me, and then threw it another two times nearby. He then told me to get out twice, shouted at me again and said if I ever spoke back to him again I’d never be welcome back in the house.
This all happened in front of my son. I’m in floods just thinking about it all. Please offer some kind words 😢

Please please please look into a childminder for wraparound care for nursery. Im sure there are ones that will.do pickups etc so you dont need to reduce nursery hours.

It may be worth the extra cost to get rid of this power your family hold over you.

This is abuse, OP. Your dad may have said it to threaten you but honestly it sounds like you and your son would be better off if you didn't set foot in that house again.

Can you look into local woman's shelters?

You need to speak to someone because this is abuse hun, not just towards you but your son as well. Speak to the nursery staff if you have to. Look into women's shelters as someone else said. Maybe even contact social services yourself - they're not the enemy they will want to help you x

Hi @ScottishStottie @CoalCraft @Cherryrainbow. thanks for your replies - I don’t live at my dad’s thankfully, myself and my son have our own place so we don’t need a shelter but thank you so much for the advice.
However, is it still abuse if I don’t live there? It’s a bit muddled then isn’t it? I just can’t take it anymore. I honestly feel like I’m heading for a breakdown 🥺

Oh gosh, this is so abusive. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think you mentioned in a previous post that you tried to change bubble but couldn't wait two weeks to do it. If someone else is happy to help you, can you talk to work about taking two weeks off to bridge the gap? Or even just let you work through your lunch for a fortnight do you can get home early. I know it's difficult in your probation, but if you explain then I'd be surprised if they wouldn't help. Even if they extend your probation by two weeks.

@ChaosMoon Yes I wanted to change bubbles but I was unable to - work are aware of difficulties within my family but I haven’t indulged in the information, I find it very difficult to say out loud.
My mum died not long ago and I miss her terribly. Things are just not the same 😢

Can you not look for a child minder who could be flexible over the 30 mins? Seems mad to tolerate these people who are horrible to you over 30 mins child care per day.

Are you entitled to any childcare costs back from universal credit? Could this help re childminder?
If not would any of the nursery staff do any out of hours childcare, younger ones may not charge much.
Any other nurseries with longer hours?
Failing that op I think you are going to have long term problems as most after school clubs finish around 6, it maybe you have to speak to your employers or find alternative employment.

I’m making plans to leave my job so I don’t have to rely on them for childcare

I know you said the two week thing bubble but I would just find other childcare any way I could. They think because they are helping you they have the right to do that. This is unhealthy and they don’t respect you as his parent! I would be livid and also concerned they would do something else I wasn’t happy with. This is way beyond giving extra treats ect that some people get bothered about. Way way over the line. I wouldn’t just let this go at all.

I have made myself clear whenever things happen like this or when I say something and they disagree they believe it should be different (regarding my son) but there’s only so much I can say cause they ultimately don’t listen, or shout and take my childcare away. It’s not even just about child care anymore, the other day I started taking a unit out to fit a new dishwasher I want ordered, and they questioned me on it. My flat. My unit. Don’t understand it!!

@Yummymummy2020 sorry forgot to tag x