Who’s in the wrong?

[MamaOl93]

My 4yo boy’s hair has grown longer because we couldn’t go to hairdressers due to lockdown and his hair is just reaching the top of his shoulders at the back of his neck, I decided I might leave it because it looks so lovely on him and has started to curl at the back.

My family kept pressuring me to get it cut on April 12th when the hairdressers reopen but I said I like it like this so I think I’m going to leave it. They weren’t impressed.
I went to work the next day, and my sister had text me to say she’d gone round to my dad’s (at his request, who was looking after him) and cut my son’s hair off.

I’m absolutely devastated. But they all think it’s a good thing.

I would be livid and they wouldn’t be looking after my child without me there. You need alternative childcare if they are using it as a tool to blackmail you.

@Thesearmsofmine That is what it is unfortunately. I’ve told my dad to stop using him against me and a few days later he did it again. Twice in a week, but it’s been said before too.

I would be paying for childcare if this was happening

My son goes to nursery but I finish work at 6.30, half an hour after he finishes most days. Dad not involved. Just feel really upset and trapped and I can’t get out of it 😢 even my aunt has said she knows how I can’t win

Forgive me for asking OP, but is your family generally like this with everything or just issues regarding your son? I sense that you really do feel trapped and they seriously undermine you so I really am just tying to understand the family dynamics. Can you assert yourself and stand up to them? I mean what they did is horrendous, and if this was my Mum / Dad / Sibling, we'd be having serious discussions regarding boundaries and I'd keep my distance for a while. I know lockdown and bubbles make things super hard, especially around childcare. But that's all they should be doing, providing childcare, looking after him, caring for him, loving him etc. and not making parental decisions. Whether it's the hair or other stuff. I do feel for you!

That's rubbish. I also completely understand. I used to have issues with my in-laws (who are usually amazing and very cool) with them feeding my baby fruit steeped in alcohol or other such ridiculousness. They even used to lie to me about what was in it so I would feed him, they would then tell me afterwards. It was when we were staying with them (for 6 months) and I couldn't get away from it. It really used to upset me.

Can't you put in flexible working request at work so you can finish earlier and change your work hours

I'd be absolutely livid if that happened to me. Cutting someone's hair without permission is now classed as assault. Your sister has assaulted your child, knowing full well you didn't want his hair cutting.
I honestly wouldn't be speaking to her after this, genuinely wouldn't.

I'd see my arse.

Are you able to request a change to your hours so you can manage with outside help?

That is absolutely disgusting!!!! How dare she do that to YOUR child. I really think it would take me a long time to forgive something like that. I know hair grows back but it's principle and where does it stop.

I would seriously look at seeing how flexible your work can be. It is unfair for your family to dictate how your child should be cared and to make decisions like they have and threaten you with lack of childcare. It's wrong very wrong. I really hope you find a way out of this otherwise I worry they will have too much control over your child.

@ALargeGlassofMalbecPlease everything in my life they have control over. My mum died a year and a half ago and it’s really stemmed since then. I had a boyfriend who my dad didn’t like and he said I couldn’t have him at my birthday last year (before lockdown), I also couldn’t text him at my birthday meal. Oh and I also couldn’t choose where I wanted to go. I chose a place, but my dad said no let’s go somewhere else.
If I go against anything they say, then it’s childcare is gone. My dad said he’s going to be looking for a new job soon so I have to leave mine because I could always rely on benefits as I’m a single mum.
I don’t want to do that. But I’ll have no childcare.
Regarding everyone asking about flexibility in work, I’m still in a 6 month probation period at work and they say it’s not possible in probationary.

I have read everyone’s responses and thank you for doing so. I feel free here. ❤️

I personally am not a fan of the long hair look, HOWEVER that is totally irrelevant here and I'm just mentioning it to say "despite that fact I agree with their fashion choice...." I would be absolutely livid.

I totally get that you are in a difficult position with your child care, the hours you work and the Nursery hours, but I would be doing everything in my power to find a childminder or a different Nursery to draw a really, really clear boundary for your family.
That is so out of order it is just shocking, and my concern is that they think they can just over-ride what you say and do whatever they want to. Not so much re the hair - that will grow back - but the principle that they think they can completely go against your wishes in decisions about your son has crossed a real line.

x post

This isn't going to stop until you get alternative childcare!

@BackforGood 100% they think they know what’s best over me. 100%.
What’s a x post?

How utterly crap of them. I hope you manage to get some space from them if you can rejig childcare at some point in the future. I feel really sad for you. You are definitely in the right.

@Sarcobaleno Thank you. I just want freedom but I feel trapped. That’s honestly the only way I can put it x

So sorry about your Mum OP!

100% do not leave your job. You'll completely be at your Dad's mercy and it would make things even worse. Do you live with your Dad?

Are you able to save some money and pay a childminder to pick up your son and have him until you finish? You'll be able to request flexible working after working for your employer for 26 weeks so if all goes well, this could just be temporary. Wish I could help you!!

Sorry. 'x post' is short for 'cross post.
So what you write, just above what I wrote, wasn't there when I was writing what I wrote. We were posting at the same time = "cross posting" so I wasn't answering the post directly above my post, but following on from earlier in the thread than that.
It is sometimes relevant when people add information in when it wasn't known to a poster as they were typing their post

Thanks @ALargeGlassofMalbecPlease 💐. No I don’t live with my dad, and I don’t want to leave my job, however my probationary period ends in 2 months, and my dad has said as soon as he gets a job then things have to change. I am at his mercy no matter what 😢
I sometimes get upset that I’m in this situation as I feel is my son’s dad was around it wouldn’t be like that. But my sister - and she genuinely said this - “it’s your fault you’re on your own, that you didn’t have a baby with someone else”
Also said he has only child syndrome.
The list is endless I could honestly go on. 😔

@BackforGood ahh thank you! I didn’t know that 🥰

What they did was wrong but it should ultimately be about what your DS wants. Not you, not them. My DD wanted pixie short hair and I can't say I was too happy initially because I loved her long hair. She had it cut and ‘stuck 2 fingers up at anyone who reacted negatively. She told them she loved it and that was that. He should have been asked and then a decision could be made

@eeyore228 completely agree however he wasn’t asked, they did it cause they wanted it short and then text me after they had done it to tell me 😣