Ds 3 negative reaction to friends son causing a rift

[Orangeinmybluelightcup]

I don't quite know how to tackle this so would welcome advice. One of my best friends had her second child at the same time as I had mine. The boys are now nearly 4. However things went badly and my friends little boy has global development delay. He's a happy boy (apart from when he's not!) and has come on leaps and bounds thanks largely to his amazing mum. He can walk with assistance and say some words. My problem is that my ds has picked up on the fact that my friends boy is different and he doesn't want to see them. This was becoming noticeable last summer, my boy would tell me he didn't want to see them and visibly sulk in their company, even their a tantrum about going. My friend and I have a day off work together with our youngest, I would like to meet them to hang out, we used to see each other twice a week pre covid and spend all day at each others houses. Obviously I can tell my boy to be kind and explain in what I think is an age appropriate way. My fear is that he won't understand yet or really be able to be empathetic to my friends boy - he's still only 3, going on 4. And he's very stubborn! I'm really worried my friend will notice his attitude. I don't want her to be upset. I have nearly lost her before because she struggled with the comparison between the boys, so I'm concerned how she'd react to having my ds shun hers. I'm planning on suggesting meeting my friend without the kids but feel that's just avoiding this issue. I know ds is still like this from his reaction when they've done us a doorstep visit. How do I react to ds?

I'd come down quite hard on this tbh, as to me it seems part of behaving kindly to others. He doesn't have to be best mates but if they are coming round he does need to, for example, share his toys, and accept that you will visit your friend and that tantrums won't stop that. I'd also ask him why he doesn't want to play with the boy - what does he say is the issue? Perhaps you can unpick it a bit.

It's not easy at this age. My DD (3.5) has a child with dwarfism in her class, and another boy who she's close to whose sibling has Down's. When she mentions something about either - why can't X do why, why did Z happen - we talk it through. It's tough because as an adult the shorthand term covers it - like GDD - but for kids it isn't like that.

I'd also, gently, question where your DS is getting his views. Is he hearing a lot of "Oh, poor Jack, I don't know how Mary copes" from you/your family, for example?

I agree with PP that I would come down hard on this too. PP's suggestions are spot on.

I would add to that by suggesting a lot of positive feedback to your DS after a visit. 'Wow DS what a good friend you were today, I liked it when you shared your toy with jack, I can't wait to tell Daddy what a kind boy you were today I think you're amazing' etc.

Children often aspire to the labels we give them - so label him as a kind, sharing, thoughtful boy and he will rise to that!

Can you add in some activity that you can do as a four - getting an Icecream in the park or trying out some new play equipment together. Something your DH finds exciting.

Thank you both! I have been thinking maybe I need to come down quite hard. I'm just not sure what I think that looks like. I'm torn between that and ignoring it so I don't make it into a bigger issue.

I have told ds and my older dd that everyone is different and to be kind and include everyone, and roughly what happened with my friends son and that it means he'll be slower to learn things and that we can support him.

Most of our more recent meet ups have had to be at parks so it's more difficult in a way, ds does his own thing because my friends ds can't keep up, we the end up at different ends of the park unfortunately. I catch ds shooting my friends boy funny looks. Hoping to get some garden play dates soon which will bring it into focus. Ds usually shares so if he doesn't I will defo see that and pull him up.

I am concerned my friend will see his attitude I won't know what to say.

Can you go without your son? Explain that as he's not kind to the boy he cannot come. It's tough but he will definitely get it.

He absolutely can understand, we have close friends who child is non verbal and autistic, at that age it could be hard work but we said you don't have to play with them you can play alongside, but their brain works a bit differently to yours. Perhaps try and chat about what he finds difficult with the other child, are they too noisy, move too quick, what solutions can you find so your child doesn't feel overwhelmed in the other child's company, which is possibly what's happening. So offer solutions.
We felt it was our job to educate him. We visit now they are much older and whilst it is still tricky our son respects the differences and doesn't make a fuss going, although we are respectful of the fact that it can be stressful for our child. Another child having a meltdown can be very distressing, (should add my child is also non NT and I'm very aware the effect their meltdowns can have on others) Maybe make sure there is enough space that they can play apart from each other but still be in the same area, so you are able to still talk as mums.

Wow I can't believe you have to ask tbh. Teach your darling some compassion and tolerance?

All the advice above is spot on and I would just add that this is an issue most parents have in a wider sense: we have our friends who we love to spend time with, but our children aren’t necessarily going to be friends with their children. Your son must be kind and polite but doesn’t have to be friends with your friend’s son and sadly this may mean you cannot spend as much time with her, as your son needs to spend time with his friends.

@Plates

Wow I can't believe you have to ask tbh. Teach your darling some compassion and tolerance?

Oh really, I never thought of that 🤔

I am doing that.

I'm asking thoughts as it's bloody awkward and I don't want to upset my friend.

@WorkingItOutAsIGo

All the advice above is spot on and I would just add that this is an issue most parents have in a wider sense: we have our friends who we love to spend time with, but our children aren’t necessarily going to be friends with their children. Your son must be kind and polite but doesn’t have to be friends with your friend’s son and sadly this may mean you cannot spend as much time with her, as your son needs to spend time with his friends.

Agreed, they don't have to be friends, but he needs to learn to be kind. He can spend time with his own friends as well.

@Pashazade thank you. Actually my friends son doesn't move or say much, we haven't played inside for a while thanks to covid but he mostly stands in the middle of the room. I could do with finding something that they can do together that levels the playing field. Maybe they could do some water play in the summer like washing toys in buckets.

@Plates

Wow I can't believe you have to ask tbh. Teach your darling some compassion and tolerance?

What a horrible, useless post

OP you are posting out of concern for your friends' feelings and I respect that so much. My little lad has DLD, a language disorder, and I will never, ever forget the mothers who never included him on playdates.

It's tricky for you because your little guy is so small and of course it's hard for him to understand. Use short, simple sentences, and explain how everyone is different. Elmer the Elephant is a great story to illustrate how being different is awesome.

I definitely wouldn't not bring your son. I think it would be obvious to your friend and might highlight that there's an issue more.

Love the idea of setting up a joint activity that's accessible to all. And throw in a few ice creams 🥰

Could you ask your ds to be a 'special helper' for your friends ds. Explain that your friends ds needs a bit of help with things and finds some things differently and it would be great if ds could be a special friend. Could you ask him for ideas of what he thinks your friends ds would like to play with, ask him to help play with him.

Hopefully this should help with developing some empathy.

@Plates

Wow I can't believe you have to ask tbh. Teach your darling some compassion and tolerance?

Wow the idiots are up early this morning I see!

Anyway, I don’t think you can force children to be friends but you can enforce manners and kindness, maybe try and find some common ground to build bridges (eg an activity they can easily do together or a picnic with their favourite foods)

@Plates

Wow I can't believe you have to ask tbh. Teach your darling some compassion and tolerance?

I’m sure the OP is going that but they are not skills which are fully developed in 3 year old like they should be in say in an adult who is using a parenting forum....

It’s really tricky OP. I think if you are asking your son to spend all your full day off with them or a long time it will be difficult for your child to play with your friend’s son and he may also want to be spending your day off with him. Perhaps frame the conversation in advance as today we are going to see Clare and Adam to play and then later we can do x, y or z. Would you like to do x, y or a? And then you can remind him of appropriate behaviour.

we used to see each other twice a week pre covid and spend all day at each others houses

This stood out for me too. It's too long for a child to be with someone who is not their friend and not at the same level as them. I bet he dreads it and kicks off! Be clear in what you expect and tell him that it's an hour only and keep to it so he can trust you.

As WorkingItOutAsIGo said earlier, you can't make your DC like any of your friends' DC. Unfortunately it gets stressful as they get older and are really vocal about not wanting to go.

You are right about helping your DS to understand that people are different though. And the idea of accessible shared fun is a good one. Something that both can do equally well.

Could you ask your friend what her son enjoys doing?

To be honest, at three to four, I was generally having to come down hard on DD on the subject of “sometimes we have to meet people or do things that you don’t want to do. It’s ok to have preferences but you are old enough to be polite and if you are rude on a playdate or visit then we will go straight home and you will not get the bit of the outing that you were looking forward to (ice cream, playground or whatever)”. Plus positive reinforcement if she was good. Otherwise I’d never have seen my sibling (because DD was jealous of their baby) or my best friend (because DD used to be jealous of her and I’m a single parent so I didn’t have childcare for DD to stay home).

They’re still little at three so it can be tricky, but he’ll presumably be at school next year so it’s a good time to get tough on this - he won’t like everyone he has to share a classroom with at school, and there will definitely be children with different needs to him.

I think you're on the right track and I'm sure a lot children your son's age would struggle. At this age some children are very physical, it's a big part of how they play. If your friends son can't move much yet its hard to have a shared activity.

I know you don't want to upset your friend but could you ask her to suggest a shared activity?

@WorkingItOutAsIGo

All the advice above is spot on and I would just add that this is an issue most parents have in a wider sense: we have our friends who we love to spend time with, but our children aren’t necessarily going to be friends with their children. Your son must be kind and polite but doesn’t have to be friends with your friend’s son and sadly this may mean you cannot spend as much time with her, as your son needs to spend time with his friends.

Yes, I think people are overlooking the fact that pre-Covid, the OP and her friend spent two entire days a week together hanging out at one another’s houses — that’s a huge amount of enforced time spent together for the children, not just the occasional two-hour playdate. Three year olds aren’t known for their ability to comprehend ‘Well, mummy likes the other mummy, so you have to play with X.’ And a 3/4 year old boy is still often at the parallel play stage of not really engaging with other children actively, anyway — DS used to ignore other children at playgroups until shortly before he started school.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect such a small child to spend so much time with a child he doesn’t like. We’ve all dealt at some point with our friends’ children not getting on with ours, for whatever reason, and it’s the adult’s responsibility to resolve, whether it’s by seeing the friend solo, or whatever. It’s not solely a disability/difference issue. We had to see less of friends whose daughter and our DS just stopped getting along when they were reception age.

You want your child to play with hers to stop your friend feeling bad, because the friendship nearly ended before because your friend struggled with comparing the boys — that’s on you, not your three year old. He’s not responsible for acting a certain way to maintain your friendship. I don’t mean this unpleasantly, but the issue isn’t a three year old not being inclusive.

I tend to agree with others that spending the whole day at each other’s houses might be a bit much though - DD would have found that draining at 3 even with kids she loved. So you and your friend might have to think about different ways to hang out, at least until your DC is at school.

We won't go back to hanging out all day like we used to pre covid. This sort of came about as we would go to a couple of playgroups in town then come back to mine for lunch because it was walking distance, then go separate ways for the school run. Sometimes in a group, sometimes in a twosome. That time is finished for us.

I suppose it was partly a support thing because my friend had low mental health, and another friend whose husband had passed away, we fell into a pattern of me feeding everyone.

I think you need to keep the play dates shorter. Even an hour is a long time for 3-4 year olds who don't enjoy spending time with another person. I see that at baby / toddler age there was relatively little difference between the boys but as they grow up, it becomes more significant.
With the warmer weather, perhaps you could invite friend and son round after lunch to play in the garden whilst you have a cuppa. Water play / giant bubbles / chunky pavement chalk etc. Things that could be accessed by both boys. Have them come round at 2pm so that the visit is kept short by having to do the school run at 3.