Ds 3 negative reaction to friends son causing a rift

[Orangeinmybluelightcup]

I don't quite know how to tackle this so would welcome advice. One of my best friends had her second child at the same time as I had mine. The boys are now nearly 4. However things went badly and my friends little boy has global development delay. He's a happy boy (apart from when he's not!) and has come on leaps and bounds thanks largely to his amazing mum. He can walk with assistance and say some words. My problem is that my ds has picked up on the fact that my friends boy is different and he doesn't want to see them. This was becoming noticeable last summer, my boy would tell me he didn't want to see them and visibly sulk in their company, even their a tantrum about going. My friend and I have a day off work together with our youngest, I would like to meet them to hang out, we used to see each other twice a week pre covid and spend all day at each others houses. Obviously I can tell my boy to be kind and explain in what I think is an age appropriate way. My fear is that he won't understand yet or really be able to be empathetic to my friends boy - he's still only 3, going on 4. And he's very stubborn! I'm really worried my friend will notice his attitude. I don't want her to be upset. I have nearly lost her before because she struggled with the comparison between the boys, so I'm concerned how she'd react to having my ds shun hers. I'm planning on suggesting meeting my friend without the kids but feel that's just avoiding this issue. I know ds is still like this from his reaction when they've done us a doorstep visit. How do I react to ds?

Do you understand why he's like this though? Is he frightened? Bored? Anxious? It might help to see if DS can name any feelings because feeling understood might help him to be kinder and you could give him options that might help e.g. taking his favourite toy etc.

My DS has Down syndrome and I’m always quite aware when meeting up with friends that their children might find him hard or boring to be around as he still doesn’t play as such more wants to run around and throw things 🤦🏻‍♀️ I think it’s lovely that you’re trying to find a way round this. I’d say keep trying to explain to your son everyone is different and they don’t have to be best friends or even play together but he must be kind and mind his manners etc.

Christ give the op's ds a break!! At 3/4 playing with other dc is a learning curve as it is. Learning about dc who are not the same as them is another skill... My ds was really stupidly shy at 3. Took him a year before he would speak to my best mate!! Her ds was puzzled and often went off to play without him. The situation was not one he knew how to deal with. He wasn't being malicious! I am sure op's dc won't turn into a class A bully because he isn't besties with the lad...

Could you buy a sticker book for each of them to do together or other treat to bribe him? Or buy a special toy that’s suitable and he will get excited about that you only bring out when he sees him again as a bit of an incentive?

Thanks for the helpful comments on here everyone. I will defo try for short meet ups. I am struggling to think of what they might do together for example my friends ds doesn't have the pincer grip to do sticker books. I could ask my friend what her ds is into but it might be more a case of keeping my ds occupied. I'm more stuck on what to say to him if he pulls a face or something while I'm with friend. I don't want to draw attention to things because of how sensitive my friend is. I suppose worst case scenario I tell ds he needs to be kind or we will leave, then my fear is my friend realises this puts an issue and feels hurt.

Agreed, LBB2020 - there’s nothing wrong with parallel play or peacefully ignoring each other at that age, but the OP is right (and showing good parenting skills) to want to address the visible sulking about having to mix with the other child. Three isn’t too young to learn that that’s rude and hurtful. It doesn’t mean that the OP’s DS is anything other than a good kid - nobody is born knowing how to be polite - but the OP is being a good mum to want to tackle it.

Could you just go for a walk together spotting different things whilst out? You can buy books which have birds, trees, animals etc that the children have to look for or you could make your own with your DS using pictures which might get him excited to go out looking for the different things and he could help your friends DS looking or showing him things from the book/picture chart?

@Orangeinmybluelightcup

Thanks for the helpful comments on here everyone. I will defo try for short meet ups. I am struggling to think of what they might do together for example my friends ds doesn't have the pincer grip to do sticker books. I could ask my friend what her ds is into but it might be more a case of keeping my ds occupied. I'm more stuck on what to say to him if he pulls a face or something while I'm with friend. I don't want to draw attention to things because of how sensitive my friend is. I suppose worst case scenario I tell ds he needs to be kind or we will leave, then my fear is my friend realises this puts an issue and feels hurt.

You could just tell your friend before they start playing that your little one has been a right grouch with everyone so you are going to tell him off if he’s unkind. That way she thinks it’s with everyone not just her boy. Stave the problem off before it happens.

I agree, LouiseTrees. OP, can you just do whatever you’d do normally if your DS was acting up on a playdate with any child? DD and her friends were always having to be told “be nice/ don’t be rude or we’re going home” at that age (usually with an aside of “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s got into her, she’s overtired today”). One of DD’s friend’s mums almost invariably used to text before a playdate saying that her DD had had a bad night and was on her last warning so it might be a short playdate. It doesn’t have to be about drawing attention to your friend’s DS being different if you treat it as a regular “playdate manners” issue. Of course, only you know your friend and whether that would upset her.

I feel for your friend op, I was in a similar situation (my kids are older now though). You want to have the normal parent experience and you want so badly for your kids to be treated well. It doesn't always happen. Unfortunately, she is likely to find that this is the first in a long list of ended friendships. Maybe the best is that you remain a good friend to her?

@wizzywig

I feel for your friend op, I was in a similar situation (my kids are older now though). You want to have the normal parent experience and you want so badly for your kids to be treated well. It doesn't always happen. Unfortunately, she is likely to find that this is the first in a long list of ended friendships. Maybe the best is that you remain a good friend to her?

I think we all feel for the OP's friend, but it's hard to tell from the OP's posts whether anyone is being 'unreasonable' at all here she says she nearly lost her friend in the past because the friend found the comparisons between her son and the OP's son very difficult, which again, I think most people could absolutely sympathise with but the friend needs to decide whether it's important for her to maintain the friendship, in which case she will need to find a way (maybe via therapy) of dealing with her own understandably complex feelings. and/or see the OP separately.

The OP can't expect a three year old to continually practice compassion when he's still too young to understand developmental delays -- for him, presumably, the other child is just experienced as a largely silent, still presence, if the OP says he doesn't speak or move much and largely stands in the middle of the room when they're together. He might even find it threatening. In which case the OP can work on explaining things to him.

But I do think that the OP can't put the responsibility for maintaining the friendship on her three-year-old's shoulders. The adult friendship is a separate thing to the boys playing together.

I really feel for the friend. DS had a classmate badly affected by Foetal Alcohol Syndrome and significant speech delay, and I know his mother struggled to try to maintain some kind of social life for him, because if you had him at your house for the playdate, he would run amuk smashing things. DS, understandably, after having his bedroom curtains torn down and his Lego smashed, wasn't keen on seeing him. We compromised by meeting at the park with other children.