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Original poster

question re play-dates

33 replies

alittlebitshy · 08/11/2007 17:03

how much do you totally leave them to their own devices, how much are you "around" and how much do you intervene in squabbles(esp when it's your own dc doing the vocal bit!)?

my dd is 4, in Reception so I guess I'm looking for answers that tied in with that age range - ish!!

She has a friend round now, and I can hear her being bossy, and I supervised at tea, but can see myself jumping in too much if it'm in there while they play....

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lisalisa · 08/11/2007 17:07

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RomanCandles · 08/11/2007 17:11

I just keep an ear out for the tones of voice. As long as I can hear more than one voice, and neither is distressed or angry for long, then I stand back. I only intervene if one child is wandering around on his/her own, or if things degrade into fighting that doesn't get resolved by the children themselves. Or if one child is feeling put-upon by being bossed by the other - no matter which child, mine or the guest. Sometimes children are quite happy to be bossed, and don't mind the game being led by the other child.

robin3 · 08/11/2007 17:16

Sometimes you get an initial standoff when they realise that sharing is going to be tricky...if that happens I usually suggest an activity and get involved for a bit and that makes them remember how much they like each other.

I think at that age the biggest thing is that they both leave having had a good time but it does mean that a certain level of involvement is usually required by me. At first I used to think I could get on with things because DS would be occupied but in most cases that doesn't happen.

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lairyfairy · 08/11/2007 18:53

Leave them to themselves while I can hear playing noises, intervene if they shout or go quiet. If they fall out get out playdoh or colouring. only make them play in same room as me if they continually fall out.

Original poster
alittlebitshy · 08/11/2007 19:33

well that was a very unpleasant experience. Dd was an utter terror - she wouldn;t play whast her guest wanted to play, whinged about not getting first turns and was generally horrible. I'm petrified she is beocoming a stereotuypical only child, although I always used to think she wasn't.
Since the friend has left (45 mins late cos Mum got stuck in mega traffic - that's london for you), my dd has revealed that she is very sore when she wees, so I think she is a bit ailing as well as stroppy (and she is very tired, and perhaps 3.10 (end of school) til 6.30 (was meant to be 5.45) is way too long for an afterschool play date anyhow.....

Stressed.

And am terrifed that i am the shittest parent out there. Yelled at dd before bed, and also feel bad to telling her off ()niggling at her) while her friend was here.. but the whole experience was unbearable.

And I want another child???? Pah.

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Othersideofthechannel · 08/11/2007 19:45

Don't be too hard on yourself. It was a fairly long time for your DD especially if she is under the weather. I haven't had a playdate that long without having to intervene. DS gets soooo excited and silly when his friends come over without their parents.

Having two is nothing like a playdate!

happyathome · 08/11/2007 19:47

alittle bit-been there,done that...my DD's play dates were like that too last year in reception.Yes definately tiredness and illness did/does turn my DD into a spoilt brat.But also the friend was like that too(and not an only child!).
i find playdates extra stressful and 'niggle' at them too and have lost it a lot at bedtimes...our compounded tiredness doesn't help.
my DD fell out with a friend once,definately too long a play date. i only do about 2 1/2hr dates even now.
so don't beat yourself up.you're normal

happyathome · 08/11/2007 19:52

BTW i usually intervene a lot,because they end up not speaking to each other,or crying their eyes out well before time's up and left on their own,they trash the place.I usually do a tidying competition at the end and then give each a sticker saying they both did well and when they won't leave at the end i say 'first to the door gets a lolly'(uh oh-confectionary bribes-works a treat though...supoose them both watching tv would be a not ideal,but good option to calm them down if they're getting too hyper/tired.(hey,maybe even game of sleeping lions)

haychee · 08/11/2007 19:54

I leave them to it unless someone is crying.

Girls are always bossy especially on their own territory.

Speak to her later about it.

Original poster
alittlebitshy · 08/11/2007 20:19

thank you for all these... i was starting to think that my dd was a total anomaly (bless her - grr) but it looks like she may just be a girl!!!

still stressing about it though.... esp that it may not be helped by the fact she is an only...

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haychee · 08/11/2007 20:24

If she goes to someone elses on a play date, does the parent say how nice she was??

Hulababy · 08/11/2007 20:24

DD is 5 and in Y1. Had play dates for past year since she started school. I just leave them to their own devices, only really interrupting them for meal time, and to give them a 10 minute tidy up warning before parent is due to collect.

I only intervene in squabbles if there is potential for tears or someone getting hurt/ or over upset. Rarely intervened at all TBH.

haychee · 08/11/2007 20:27

Oh yes, warnings of when its time to go home is an absolute must.
I get them to tidy up a bit, then give them a sticker for playing nice and doing as they were told (even if it wasnt that good, just choose something that was good and big it up)

lennygirl · 08/11/2007 20:32

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haychee · 08/11/2007 20:34

You might have to threaten (and follow through) taking the play date home because your dd doesnt know how to play nicely yet.

She will appreciate it more after that.

PeterDuck · 08/11/2007 20:38

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lairyfairy · 08/11/2007 20:41

It's just their things and they don't see why they have to play with others, different when you are out and nobody own's the toys. Mine was one of dd2's first words she heard it that much.

haychee · 08/11/2007 20:44

I take the toys away that she cant share.

Neither of them will get to play with it until they can share it nicely.

Original poster
alittlebitshy · 08/11/2007 21:17

they do she she is lovely when she is at other people's houses!!!!!!

yup - deffo a case of it's my party and i'll cry if i want to!!!!!

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haychee · 08/11/2007 21:19

painful isnt it, watching your own dd letting herself down like that. Making a fool of herself.
Dont know how many imes ive said, youll have no friends.

mollythetortoise · 08/11/2007 21:30

sounds just like all our playdates! (dd also 4). definately agree 2 hours max. My dd also v bossy. Think she is less so at other people's houses. I tend not to interfere but do when disputes aren't resolved. I take the general stance that friend gets to choose the game/ role (ie. who is mummy etc) as she is the guest and my daughter seems to accept this. Funnily enough playdates with friends that are boys are generally MUCH more successful and can be quite enjoyable for me too - it's the girl ones that are a nightmare!

lennygirl · 08/11/2007 21:56

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haychee · 08/11/2007 22:01

It is painful though isnt it, to watch them upset a friend like that.

handlemecarefully · 08/11/2007 22:10

I am alert if I hear anything untoward. I listen for a couple of minutes and if it settles I leave them to it...if it happens again I intervene

Enid · 09/11/2007 09:32

buy a disney princess cupcake mix pack from the supermarket and do it with them

they blardy love that those 4/5 year old girls