Siblings of different genders with larger age gap?

[emarys81]

Hi all, I hope I am posting in the right place. I am feeling very lucky to have reached 13 weeks pregnant after multiple miscarriages and other obstacles to having my second child. My DD will be 5 in a couple of months, and 5yrs 4mths approximately when baby is due. She has been wanting a little sister (or brother...) for a long time and I am thrilled to be able to give her one however, having done the Harmony test due to my age, we now know it's a boy! I know she will be disappointed it's not a girl, but I hope she will be happy it's coming at all. My own worry is that a bigger age gap was already going to be challenging in terms of compatible interests etc, and that opposite genders will only make this more so. I am worried they may not be as close either growing up or when older as DD and a little sister might have been. So I guess I'm looking for reassuring stories of opposite-gender siblings with age gaps over 4 years, either your own children or yourselves and your siblings. Thanks for anything you can offer, I'm feeling nervous!

Mine are 5 years apart, oldest is a girl and youngest is a boy. I actually think the different genders probably makes things easier. They are different enough that they aren't fighting over the same toys all of the time and dd doesn't see 'her' clothes being passed down to ds. The age difference can have it's challenges (dd doesn't always understand that ds has different needs and doesn't understand whatever game she is trying to play), but I also think it makes it a lot easier as their needs are distinct enough that they aren't battling for my attention in the same way. Dd was old enough to take care of herself a bit more and to have friendships independent from me when younger brother was born, and she'd already had years of one on one attention. They do love each other a lot though and she really looks out for him. I assume she would be the same with a sister, but I think the fact he is a boy has maybe helped some with the jealousy. I only have one dd and that's her.

I've got a 9 year old girl and a 9 month old boy. They couldn't be closer, she absolutely dotes on him and he thinks his big sister is the best thing in the world. It will be fine, congratulations.

5 years to me is not is large age gap. My siblings and I are 5 & 10 years apart. I like that I can remember the youngest one when they were a baby and could help my parents a bit, given I was oldest.

My DS was 7 1/2 when my DD was born.

They have never really got on - a lot of sibling rivalry, probably my fault but I don't know what I should have done different/ better- maybe when DS was going through his sulky teen phase,DD was at the 'cute as a button' phase and I didn't make sure I gave enough time to my DS?

Now he is nearly 23 (& left home!) and she is 15 and she has realised that he is 'useful' to her so it is a bit better!

One thing though all the photos I have of them they are at such different heights! A lot of DS stooping!!

PS this is probably sexist but is it easier if the older sibling is a girl?

I'm in my 40s, there's 6 years between myself and my brother, we've always been close and remain so to this day. I have a sister 18 months younger than I am who I've not spoken to in years. Am sure they'll be fine xx

There's 6 and a half years between DD and DS.

They don't play together in the same way that DD would with friends her own age, obviously, but she is great at getting down to his level and playing blocks, splashing in the bath, reading him books or playing cars.

He is so obsessed with her it makes me smile. Her name was his first word and many a morning I've woken up to find him cuddled up in her bed having woken up early and gone to find her.

Would your DD want to help you prepare for the baby? We found it really helped DD get excited for her new sibling. We did a big girl day of shopping and lunch and she chose a special outfit for DS to come home from hospital in, she chose him a special teddy and a book that she would read to my tummy, then read to DS after he was born. She also made two paintings which we framed and put above DS cot with a photo of them together. Finally DD helped me pack my hospital bag so she chose all DSs outfits and I think she felt that she'd looked after him a bit.

We also made sure DD was the one to introduce DS to family. We'd have him in the pram or Moses basket and let DD answer the door and offer to show people her new baby brother.

The great thing about a slightly bigger age gap is that the older child can have things explained to them properly and they can understand that they aren't being replaced with a new baby but that the baby is theirs as well and is lucky to be so loved by such a lovely big sister.

If you also try to take her to some things on her own after the baby is born, things like cinema, bowling etc that only big girls can do. That might stop any baby jealousy as the baby can't do those things so it's better to be a big girl than a baby.

I'm obviously not suggesting that any of the above things made DD and DS close, but I think some of it helped her to not be jealous and bond with the idea of a new baby.

I'm now pregnant with a 3rd and DD has already asked when we can go for our big girl shopping day to choose the baby's outfits so she must have seen that as a bit of a special treat.

Dd's were 9 and 8 when ds was born. They adore him. Plenty of patience and he is now 6 and a half... They haven't bored of him yet...

5 years difference between me and my brother. I wouldn't say we are particularly close but have a good bond and always have each others back.

Having two children of the same sex does not mean that they will automatically get on. And also, having them closer in age may be nice, but it may not work. You can't do anything about it anyway.

All I would do is prepare your DD as much as possible. Embrace the wonderful world of boys and have fun.

In reality, it might be easier to have such a big gap than to have a smaller one. I mean that you will not be trying to shoehorn your kids into liking the same things. The there will be a world of difference between having a 10 year old and a five year old, and as long as you gie enough time to each, there could be minimal cause for jealousy.

Also, there will not be as much comparison between the children, which can be a really good thing. Good luck! It will all be fine.

Congratulations I have a 10 year old DD and a 5 year old DS. They are very close - we have plenty of sibling rivalry of course as DD had almost 5 years of being an only child! But she adores her brother and he just thinks his his is the best person ever. They regularly ask to have sleepovers together in DD’s room and watch movies, gamers on YouTube, play minecraft etc. I’m sure a day will come when she wants her own space a bit more but it’s been great so far

Dd is 4 years older than ds.

She was adamant that she only wanted a sister and that if we had a boy that we would have to send him back! 🤣

We found out his sex at 20wk scan and told her then so that she had time to get used to the idea. Initially she was upset but then got used to the idea and by the time he arrived she was excited.

He’s nearly 2 and she’s nearly 6.... they do make each other cross Sometimes but they also play quite nicely together too. We do get a fair bit of jealousy between them but it’s manageable.

We have a niece and nephew, the eldest (girl) was 8 when baby brother was born. There are issues with her relationship with her little brother, lots of fighting which often turns physical However I will say most of that has been because he has been very much the long waited for spoilt second child. He has got away with a lot (including a very aggressive temper), simply because he’s “the baby”.
So my advice is don’t fall into that trap! Don’t set them up for sibling rivalry by molly coddling the baby.

My nephew was 7 when my niece was born. They’re now 10 and 3. They get on well, he was old enough to help with baby and to amuse himself while SIL breastfed etc which I didn’t have with my 2 DD’s (2 and a half year gap) but I’d say they found things like holidays a bit trickier for keeping them both entertained as nephew wanted to do things niece was too young to do. I know nephew sometimes gets a bit annoyed when niece goes into his room and knocks down his Lego etc but on the whole, he’s a doting big brother and she adores him. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

DD1 was 4y 5m when DS was born, she was disappointed when I told her she would be getting a brother. Ds is now 2 and they are very close, and love playing together. Dd2 was born 8 months ago, so a bit young to be playing with the older 2, but they love cuddling her. She laughs away when DD1 and DS are running about and playing.

Wow, I just got back from school pick-up and a long afternoon at the park to find all your amazing messages. I can't thank you all enough and feel really reassured.

@Warrickdaviesasplates that is all wonderful advice and makes me tear up a bit just thinking about it! (Possibly also hormones). Think I'll have to print out your message to use as a blueprint! And yes I appreciate that doing all that may not make them close, but I'm sure it will all help. Hope it goes as well with your third – congratulations.

@bmachine That sounds great too; I know there are no guarantees that siblings will be close but knowing you always have a friend in the world is pretty special.

So sweet @Electrocute1980, and thank you!

And @MumofSpud I must admit to having wondered the same over the years with regard to friends' kids but really it sounds like it can go either way. Glad your two are starting to see the "point" of one another!

Really, thank you all so much, I have read all your messages numerous times already and probably will continue to over the next few weeks while we all get used to the idea.

Hello! Congratulations on your pregnancy :-)

My brother is almost 7 years older than me and we've always had a lovely relationship. No jealousy, no fights.

And if it happened this way for you, I'm sure it's meant to be.

Good luck with everything

@emarys81 it definitely makes me emotional seeing how much they love each other. I certainly wouldn't think that different genders would be a barrier and in some ways, like a PP said, it stops comparison between them.

I just remembered we used to let DD feel the kicks and encouraged her to talk to the bump so baby would recognise her voice and she always says now how her brother loves her before he was born because he would kick harder for her (as we told her he did) and now she encourages DS to do the same so I think that worked a bit.

Sometimes I just think doing something to encourage her to feel involved makes you feel better as you're being proactive rather than waiting for her to feel put out.

We also got DD a photo album "from the baby" and half filled it with photos of her and gave her a little cheap camera to take photos of them together to fill the rest of the album. Don't know if that's something your DD would like?

Hope it goes as well with your third – congratulations.

Thank you! I'm back in a "emotional preparation mode" right now so these things are at the forefront of my mind. DS is only one so I think this time it'll be a more tricky learning curve.

The camera also gave her a job when we had people round meeting the baby as she could get photos with the family so she didn't feel like people were paying too much attention to the baby and gave an excuse for everyone to pass him round for pictures without her feeling left out.

I think it is key that as a parent you make DD feel involved and loved. Six years between me and my brother. Before he was born I was shipped to friends after school because my mother was tired. Shipped to relatives at weekend because I was difficult and taken on holiday with an auntie for 4 weeks surrounding the birth. I was resentful, angry and felt unwanted. I have never got over it. We don't really have much to do with one another and I feel very guilty about how horrid I was to him, growing up. I wish it had been different.

@Warrickdaviesasplates These are all such brilliant suggestions, thank you! I really am going to keep them written down somewhere, to give me confidence even if I remember them anyway. And yes I imagine it will be a different scenario with your third as your second is still so little, but I've heard a very small gap can have great benefits too. And you have a seasoned big sister on hand!

@GiveTheGirlAGun I'm so sorry that's how it was handled for you and your brother and the outcome it's had. I totally agree about involving the older sibling and making them feel important (and loved) in the process. A close friend of mine is 6 years younger than his brother, who was also shipped off to their grandparents' for two weeks around the time my friend was born. While there, his grandmother told him that there's a "pot of love" in which there's only so much to go around, and that with the baby coming there'd be less for him. Unbelievable. Needless to say his brother always resented him, they never got along and now don't speak. Thanks for offering that perspective.

@LettucesAndRoses Thank you so much, and that is lovely to hear about you and your brother

@GiveTheGirlAGun that's awful! I wonder what they were possibly thinking? Surely shipping an older sibling out would make them feel unwelcome.

OP, you will be brilliant at this. The planning you are putting in shows you are a great mother to both your children.

I think that was how it was done a long time ago. My parents were older when they had us so they were still thinking 20 years behind in the 80s. I was a 'spirited' child so they must have thought it best for some bizarre reason.

I have 3 brothers. The youngest one is 7 years older and the oldest is 12 years older. When we were younger I was the kid sister but they were nice to me but as adults, we get on really well. My own 2 have a 4 year gap that doesn't cause any problems either.. Congratulations!