Hating motherhood :-(

[AliceW89]

Please, no judgement - I am pretty much at my wits end.

I have a 9 month old. A much longed for and loved 9 month old. His arrival has shown me what it is to unconditionally love someone. But I have disliked, possibly even hated pretty much every second of motherhood. It kills me to write that. It’s a combination of feeling completely overwhelmed, bored, exhausted and lonely. I’ve had to delete all social media as I just felt completely trapped and overwhelmed by parenthood and all the groups and targeted ads. I struggle to know what to say to my friends (mostly child free) on the phone anymore as I just feel like my brain is a foggy pit. I haven’t really made any ‘mum friends’ due to lockdown and lacking the energy. I don’t really get on with my parents. My inlaws are lovely but live far away and have a lot going on. OH amazing but works full time.

It has been tough - he was really unsettled as a newborn, crying all the time and never sleeping. He’s still very feisty and completely non-chill. He point blank refuses purée and a spoon but loves eating so we are doing entire BLW which I would have never have chosen - I seem to spend my life cooking food that gets thrown round the room. He doesn’t sleep (wakes 8+ times a night, we cosleep and breastfeed). I really am exhausted but currently trying to hold of sleep training. I’m not even sure sleep training would work anyway - he has a lot of capacity for screaming. He still wants to be held all the time and won’t even attempt to crawl etc.

I’m due to go back to a job I loved in 3 months time, but even that seems like a completely overwhelming prospect at the moment. He loves boob and won’t sleep for anyone but me and I’m just so stressed about it already.

I’m not a baby person, so maybe it was always going to feel like this, but so many people keep saying it never gets better, each stage is equally as bad but different.

Thank you for reading, I know this is a big ramble but any advice or solidarity welcome. I used to be so outgoing with tons of friends and a very active social life. I feel like a complete shell of my former self... maybe I should speak to my GP, I’m not sure if it’s ‘normal’ to feel this way xx

I think you need to night wean at least and move him to his own room. It will be tough for a few days but your kids is nine months old now, there’s no reason to continue like this. If you do, you’re not going to be able to function at work. And quite frankly if he’s waking eight times a night it’s not working for him either

So I’d personally stop breastfeeding totally, make sure he eats enough during the day, and has enough formula.. It’s easier for them to understand if breast feeding stops totally , but as a min stop the night feeding. And move to his own room. You don’t need to make it this hard.

I felt very similar when DS was that age, just completely overwhelmed and wondering what on earth I had done. I found this started to improve once he could walk and significantly improved once he could talk. From 18mo on I have loved being a parent. DS is 5 now and the utter joy of my life, by far and away the best thing I have ever done.

I had the people tell me it doesn't get easier as well, I can only assume they had easy babies and challenging toddlers. I had nightmare baby and a wonderful toddler and now a fantastic school boy. Imo it just gets easier and easier. Yes I now have to help him navigate playground politics but I can do it sat down with a drink and a slice of cake. If I'm tired or not feeling well he understands and will do more by himself to make my life easier.

So hang in there, I didn't believe it would get better but it really really does.

It will 100% get better, not because the baby changes necessarily but you adapt better to cope with it. My toddler still won't sleep through and weaning from BFing is proving very, very difficult.
Have you had a chat with your gp about PND?

Sending you lots of solidarity! Please please know how much harder you’ve had it as a new mum being in lockdown, than it is for mums usually (and it’s pretty shit pre Covid, so lockdown new mumming is really bollocks!)

I hated the first 12 months of motherhood. HATED IT. I am not a baby person. Bad birth, awful feeding, various post natal mental health issues, non sleeping child etc.

I have found each stage that comes significantly easier. Every stage is a pure joy - from 12 months on! I’ve really got into the swing of it now - babyhood ain’t for me. My son is 3.5 now and such an amazing joy to be around, I love being his mum! But I absolutely hated the first year.

The lack of sleep is a bloody killer - my son didn’t start sleeping better until age 2 and I was quite ready to put him in the bin at that point!

Baby 2 being born Monday.... can’t believe I’m going to put myself through it again! But it really truly does get easier, especially once they learn to communicate.

Definitely speak to your GP or health visitor so they can assess you - there is lots of help available and it’ll be quick with a baby under 1 x

I promise it will get better than this OP. Anyone who says that all the other stages are just as hard either had a good sleeper or have forgotten what it's like to be so sleep deprived that you can't think straight. I agree that moving him to his own room may help? That doesn't mean you need to sleep train if you don't want to.

I agree with Bluntness. Do you have a partner op?

Thank you all so much for your advice. I will book appointment with GP. My mental health has been good my entire life - feeling this low really has flawed me. I’ve stopped speaking to all my friends and they are concerned so this is the wake up call I needed.

I’m completely lost with what to do with his sleep. We did try him in his own room but he still woke every hour - at least co sleeping I can basically throw a boob in his direction or give him a cuddle and 9/10 back off he goes. Getting out of bed every hour killed me off in 3 nights and he was awake for hours then so grumpy in the day as well. It’s rubbish but I feel co sleeping is almost the lesser of two evils at the moment. I’d rather not but I’m not completely against CC but i literally think I’d be writing a thread a month down the line asking why my baby is still screaming...

Would love to introduce some formula so I’m less stressed about nursery, but he is a complete bottle refuser. The little tinker will take water from a straw cup but screams and launches it if it contains EBM or formula face palm

I do have a lovely husband who does so much when around (out house 08:00 until 18:00). Takes bubs at 4am so I can get 2 or 3 glorious hours of uninterrupted sleep as for some reason he stops wanting boob in the early hours and just crashes out.

Thank you all once again xx

Your post reminded if how I felt after having my first child. Especially the foggy brain and feeling like I nothing to say. Looking back I certainly had postnatal depression, but I did not realise it at the time. I just thought motherhood was extremely hard. You could ask a GP or HV to do a mental health assessment and consider antidepressants if your score is high. The HV may know of a group you could join to get support from mums who are experiencing similar.

Alice - I hated it too (DD now 2.5) and I'm not having another because I can't face it again.

BUT I have found going back to work game changing. Its honestly a rest as I can stop and focus on one thing for a period withouth having to juggle screaming/death defying/constant demands all the time. Bliss.

I'm a happier person and therefore a happier mother having time being an adult most days and my DD LOVES time at her childminder. Win/win.

I could absolutely have written your OP and I know I wasn't depressed - just exhausted, overwhelmed and fed up with the relentless tedium of it all. I am NOT a baby person and it sounds like you aren't either. But the good thing is that they spend very little time as a baby in the grand scheme of things and you are likely to enjoy the older bits much more!

I actually feel for the women who adore the baby bit and hanker after that. Its so fleeting.

Op it is the lesser of two evils now, you’re right. But it’s not going to be in three months. If you wish this to resolve snd for you to be able to function at work, you are going to have to wean, or night wean at least, and stop co sleeping. So by the time you go back to work you’re in a routine that enables you all to get some sleep.

Sadly it’s not really about right now, it’s about making the changes so that in three months your into a routine that works for you all.

I was you 2 years ago. My daughter has just turned 3 and is my absolute joy. Will I do it again?! NO WAY. Worst experience of my life. I had a non sleeper, needing to be carried constantly, boob monster. But I do promise you this, it just gets easier and easier when you’ve had one of these ‘high needs’ baby’s. My friends complain about their toddlers behaviour etc, I think it’s an absolute breeze compared to a baby screaming in my face for 8hrs a day. I also had never struggled with my mental health, I ended up with an anti depressant for 18 months just to get me through until I was settled back at work.
Don’t worry too much about nursery the return to work etc, it’ll all fall into place. My return to work saved me, I trotted in, left my husband to sort the baby and do the nursery run and felt like me again!

I now work full time, as does my husband, and we have an absolute ball when we’re all together, it’s not a slog anymore, hold on, it’ll get so much better, promise!

Thank you all so so much. This is my first mumsnet thread and I really did worry about posting it - you’ve all been so lovely.

You are so right @Bluntness100. My husband has 2 weeks off in April and I think we should ear mark it to really try and improve sleep as, like you say, this feels pretty unsustainable when working. Not like we can go on holiday either

I’ve been so stressed about nursery. I’m going to be dropping off a bottle refusing, food throwing, none napping 12 month old who will want to be carried by his key worker all day. I feel embarrassed even though my OH tells me I’m being silly. Still I’m going back to work no matter what, I’d sink without trace being a SAHP (and we need to pay the mortgage )

Interesting a lot of you saying you wouldn’t have more after having a ‘high needs’ baby. The option might not be there for us but even if it was I think I might be done anyway, it’s just been hard to come to terms with. Thank you all for validating that feeling.

You have been doing what is arguably one of the most draining jobs at the worst possible time. I think the key things to remember is this is not forever. The sleep/feeding/independence will get better. Lower your standards, there are no prizes for being a martyr. Do what you have to do to get through.
For many is a boring thankless job but one day you will have realise you have a fun little person living in your house who will provide you with so much entertainment and reciprocal love. For me from about 6 I found almost all of the aspects of having children were positive (except trying to get them out the house in the morning).

I really recommend the Little Ones app to give you structured sleep training, with a range of options for super gentle/a bit more crying. I used a sleep consultant for DC1, then forgot everything and used the all with DC2 and found it contained most of the wisdom I had gleaned via an expensive consultation. Don't worry about nursery- the baby will probably struggle for a short time and then will adapt and thrive and without you there will probably nap like a champ.

I also co-slept and felt it was the easiest option at the time but I would really recommend moving your child into their own room. There will be protests initially but if you are consistent they will get used to it. Make changes gradually. If they feed to sleep you could keep this for now but move them into cot as first step. Then work on feeding them but putting them down awake as this is what helps them to not keep waking up. Good luck

Unmumsnetty hug & for you. It’s been such a shitty year to be a new parent, with so much support network being taken away.

Agree with PPs you need to get sleep and night weaning sorted out as you’ll feel so much better. Also they change so much that a 12 month old will be completely different to now at 9 months; don’t worry about nursery for now as he will be a completely different baby by the time he goes. It will give you a refreshed outlook to go back to work too.

Oh god I hear you, I couldn't stand it either :( I loved my babies to distraction but I was exhausted, anxious and bored shitless for at least 18 months. It does get better though. I had a second quite quickly "to get it over with", they are 4 and 6 now and are a pure joy. They're funny, clever and kind and they entertain each other a lot of the time too so I don't have to be "on" the whole time I'm looking after them.
It definitely sounds worth speaking to your GP though. I tried to get support that way and was fobbed off, so be pushier than I was. Good luck and hang on in there.

It does get easier, equally there are more different stages to come, but you can get through those a bit easier as sleep improves and you get longer periods of not being needed.

With 8 waking, I'd try and tackle the sleep too, cruel to be kind and once he is sleeping better you will look back and wish you'd have done it sooner. My first was a very high needs baby but I have in fact had other children after him and they were all much easier than him and slept better too, so don't be too put off! And the tough areas are easier to swallow too when you know it's the last time you have to do it!

And don't worry about the Nursery, they are used to it! And it might help him with his eating and sleeping too, and you might start to feel some sense of normality when you get back to work too, hope things get a bit easier for you

I totally get it and felt the same. I can’t imagine how hard maternity leave must have been during a pandemic, without all the support networks that would otherwise have been available.

I agree with others about the sleep issue.
There’s a huge, huge difference between making gentle changes to improve sleep and sleep training. You don’t have to do anything even remotely like cry it out to make things better - we never managed perfect but definitely got ourselves to a point of enough sleep to function well, without ever feeling like we were doing something that was instinctively wrong to us.

Try not to worry too much about nursery. 3 months is another 1/3 of his life - things will have moved on and I bet he behaves like a dream for nursery!

My DSis was like you (very demanding first child) and she did get through and unbelievably that child is now 15 doing GCSEs.

I've scanned the thread.

Go away for a few days in April and let your DH deal with it. Stop BF at that point.

Seriously, in times gone by, babies were fed and put down.

Your DC may cry but he won't come to any harm.

New routine when you get back.

Please don't make a rod for your own back... Three good meals a day (including purees/your food) plenty of formula, lots of exercise and fresh air.

Time to reclaim your body, your bed and your mealtimes!

Within a few days you'll be feeling much better.

You do your thing and the baby has to fit around you.

You might find things easier if you sorted out the sleeping. It's very easy to fall into the belief that they will always wake at 4am or wake 8 times or be awake for 2 hours from 12 but with some sleep training that doesn't have to be the case. I've always put off fixing sleep issues until I am so tired and fed up it is the only thing to do then been amazed when things are different within 2/3 days! There are sleep consultants out there who may help you stick to your guns and feel confident enough to do it. Ask yourself how you would feel if baby slept 7-7 each night, maybe you'd feel much better and the other stuff would be easier to cope with. Although your friends don't have babies they may still be willing to help, you can form a bubble with a child under 1, ask around, when I was childless I would have enjoyed babysitting and helping a friend out, maybe they will to! Good luck! Every stage isn't worse! If you prefer toddlers and older children then those stages will be better! But get the sleep sorted so you can enjoy!

I do feel for your OP - it's a crap time to have a baby too. I agree with comments about sleep training - a baby being up all the time isn't good for them or you. My eldest was a crap sleeper for months around then and it was so hard. We did CC in the end because things like PUPD seemed to annoy him more.

With food, just pare it right down. Your kid does not need lovingly hand made meals for every meal - we did BLW and the throwing & mess is frustrating, although I'm a huge fan of itself and will be doing the same with the baby in a couple of months time. Do a bit of simple batch cooking so you've always got something in the freezer. I save a portion of our dinner for DS (he eats before us at teatime) so I just heat that up for him. "Stuff" on toast works for breakfast or lunch, a sandwich is a fine lunch with some fruit and veg sticks. Give a specific bowl/plate so he can put any food on it that he doesn't want rather than chuck it on the floor, it might take a while to master but it worked well with mine.

Night weaning only works if they are getting enough calories during the day. So give high calorie food and make sure they have plenty of bf during the day.
DD who is 7 months prefers to feed herself, she gets lots of toast with different things on and often a potato waffle to dinner. With a preschooler who has a few problems, work and a few other things there’s no cooking from scratch here.

I could have written your post! I felt much better after going back to work and enjoyed our daughter so much more once she was walking and less frustrated.