Hating motherhood :-(

[AliceW89]

Please, no judgement - I am pretty much at my wits end.

I have a 9 month old. A much longed for and loved 9 month old. His arrival has shown me what it is to unconditionally love someone. But I have disliked, possibly even hated pretty much every second of motherhood. It kills me to write that. It’s a combination of feeling completely overwhelmed, bored, exhausted and lonely. I’ve had to delete all social media as I just felt completely trapped and overwhelmed by parenthood and all the groups and targeted ads. I struggle to know what to say to my friends (mostly child free) on the phone anymore as I just feel like my brain is a foggy pit. I haven’t really made any ‘mum friends’ due to lockdown and lacking the energy. I don’t really get on with my parents. My inlaws are lovely but live far away and have a lot going on. OH amazing but works full time.

It has been tough - he was really unsettled as a newborn, crying all the time and never sleeping. He’s still very feisty and completely non-chill. He point blank refuses purée and a spoon but loves eating so we are doing entire BLW which I would have never have chosen - I seem to spend my life cooking food that gets thrown round the room. He doesn’t sleep (wakes 8+ times a night, we cosleep and breastfeed). I really am exhausted but currently trying to hold of sleep training. I’m not even sure sleep training would work anyway - he has a lot of capacity for screaming. He still wants to be held all the time and won’t even attempt to crawl etc.

I’m due to go back to a job I loved in 3 months time, but even that seems like a completely overwhelming prospect at the moment. He loves boob and won’t sleep for anyone but me and I’m just so stressed about it already.

I’m not a baby person, so maybe it was always going to feel like this, but so many people keep saying it never gets better, each stage is equally as bad but different.

Thank you for reading, I know this is a big ramble but any advice or solidarity welcome. I used to be so outgoing with tons of friends and a very active social life. I feel like a complete shell of my former self... maybe I should speak to my GP, I’m not sure if it’s ‘normal’ to feel this way xx

I’ve had two bottle refusers who completely refused formula - from me/husband. Always fed to sleep.

They started nursery at 9 months and 10 months. Both fine. They took formula while they were there - the premade stuff went down better and also from cups rather than bottles. When you’re not there they adapt and sleep and feed in different ways to at home.

Definitely no harm to speak to your GP. Sorry you haven't been enjoying it but I think it can be quite normal to find the first year very very tough. Probably even more so now with support networks extremely limited.
Having a small baby is magical but I prefer them when they are over one (even thought other phases can be hard too) . It's not always easy being a working mum but I'm the better for it, I think things will improve fr you, hang in there.

I'd say there are lots of women who feel exactly as you do. My kids are teens and I still don't relish the job of mother! It's bloody hard, tiring, worrying a lot of the time thankless. Having a baby during lockdown has to have been very isolating.

Your baby doesn't need feeding during the night at this stage given he's eating and drinking during the day, so his waking so many times is probably habit at this point. Let Dh get up during the easter hols and offer water. Do your best to try to stick with it and hopefully baby will quickly realise that your boobs are not an option at nighttime. Then when you do get back to work at least you can take turns to see to him if he happens to wake at night.

My opinion

1. Some of us hate the newborn stage. I did. I loved my kids, and spending time with them, a lot more once they hit a year old and started talking, etc.
2. You've had to do this baby stage at the shittest possible time, no baby groups, get together etc. I wouldn't have coped at all without having a moan and cuppa with fellow mum friends. I'm sorry it's been like this for you.
3. There is nothing wrong with prioritising sleep for yourself imo. In fact it's sensible. Do what you have to.

Childhood goes through many stages op, and small babyhood, which yours is coming to the end of, is only one stage, and in my opinion the worst stage. I think you'll be fine and a great mum. Hugs to you.

many people keep saying it never gets better, each stage is equally as bad but different.

I hear/read this too and I honestly find it so confusing! In my opinion it gets MUCH easier as they get older. That's not to say that each phase doesn't have its challenges of course, but there's no way it's as hard as they get older (caveat that I haven't hit the teenage stage yet).

When DS was 9m he woke 6-10 times a night and mostly co-slept. By 12m he mostly slept through from 8/8.30 until 6/7 or woke once. I managed because he was my second and he was pretty good in the day. With sleep, we worked on it gradually e.g. starting the night in his cot. We had several attempts at night weaning at it worked third time (as in we would try for a few nights but were getting less sleep so would wait another few weeks).

With DD, I returned to work when she was 8.5m and she was a bottle refuser. She was breastfed before and after my work and survived on food and small amounts from a cup.

Mine are now 5 and 2. There are still challenges but nowhere near like it was in the sleep deprived early days, and I didn't have to do it in a pandemic. At this point I can go out for the day (sadly only to work at the moment!) and know they are perfectly fine with someone else. DH can do bedtimes or occasional night wakings and I don't have bedtime dread because I generally get an uninterrupted sleep.

Make a plan for you getting a bit more sleep and downtime. Weaning is one plan but don't feel bad if it's not right for you at the moment. Equally things like going for a walk with a friend whilst your DH has the baby may give you a bit of respite. And trust that it WILL get better and you WILL get through this.

Just to say my baby was similar at that age and it's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed if you aren't getting enough sleep.

I didn't stop breastfeeding or cosleeping and went back to work when little one about 1 year old. I have managed to function fine at work mostly- I just needed my baby to sleep a decent enough stretch- which he has most of the time since that age (have been a few blips/teething issues, but that's normal). There is a big difference between a 9 month old and a one year old too.

There are advantages of continuing to breastfeed- I'm not saying this to pressure you to do so if it's what you want to do- but I just think some of the posters here are very negative about it. It's totally your personal choice but giving up is not some magic solution to getting sleep as some people believe. Breastfeeding at night helps me because it gets my baby back to sleep far faster than faffing around giving him water etc. I found my baby had phases where he woke up more often, but it got better. Also the times I really struggled it was sometimes me that was the problem because he would be asleep and I would be awake...

One of my friends gave up breastfeeding at 6 months and her son woke up every 2hours until he was 18 months (he might still at 2 years now- haven't talked to her about it recently).

I imagine everything is also tougher because of lockdown. Are you able to get out and meet people for walks? That made a lot of difference to me.

Also once you have a toddler they are much more fun(ny) and interactive- so you might enjoy that stage more. And going back to work helped me with balance of not always being in mum mode. So things are likely to get better.

If you are struggling worth speaking to your GP or Health Visitor.

I agree with many of the other posters here that you need to get more sleep and everything else will seem easier. Sleep deprivation is so awful and you have my deepest sympathy. Have you tried a dream feed with a bottle - will he still refuse it if still nearly asleep? White noise/sleepy sounds in the room?

And is there any possibility of a day or two in nursery a week now, to give you a break and help break the routine?

@Bluntness100 is spot on. I actually disagree with those saying take a ‘wait and see’ approach for it to get better - you are obviously struggling and I think if you want to get back to work you need a plan of action to get them sleeping better, with time to implement it consistently to be fair to them and you. It’s going to do them no good either to be sleeping badly

I felt exactly as you did when I was on maternity leave, which I loathed. I thought I’d made the most gruesome mistake in having a child — who was, like your baby, much loved, wanted and planned, but also high-needs, non-sleeping, needing to be held all the time, and generally challenging. It all improved when I went back to work. And don’t worry too much about how he’ll cope at nursery. I was gobsmacked at how biddable DS was at his childminder. She would put him down alone to nap and he would just go to sleep!

I've got a 9 month-old too. Third baby for me, first for fiancé (and last!) We fully bedshare and she breastfeeds on and off all night. I'm an AP so don't believe in sleep training or CIO methods. We also contact nap.
I return to work four days a week in May and I know she will be just fine.
I speak from experience as my other two kids are 11 and 13.
It will be fine, OP.

I just want to say that I went back to work full time when dS was 7 months, waking multiple times a night, cosleeping and breastfeeding. I didn’t night wean him till he was around 18 months or so. It is doable so don’t despair that you won’t be able to work (depending on your job I guess). I didn’t want to night wean when he was little as I felt he needed that connection, especially with me being at work all day. I do admit though he slept much better after night weaning although after a while he then started being awake for two hour periods in the small hours so it’s not always plain sailing after night weaning.
He also wouldn’t take a bottle or milk in a cup and would only nap on me. Dh became a sahd and within a few days of me being at work had him napping for two hours in his cot and drinking milk from a soft spout cup no problem at all.
He will be fine but when you are around they like to have it their way. When you’re not around they go with the flow. It’s completely different to if you just pop out for a few hours. I think once they realise it’s for the whole day they just get on with it.
I know it’s so hard but try to relax, not worry and go with the flow. It will work out and you can do it! It must be so tough having a baby in lockdown though without meeting mums in the same situation.

Hi OP,

Your child reminds me of my first DC. Waking up and screaming for hours at night, refusing point blank to take the bottle, etc.
Life was hell, and despite wanting a child very badly I often felt regret and nostalgia for my previous life and previous self.

It DOES get better. I think people who say every stage has its own new difficulties are the people who somehow managed to sleep 6 or more hours a night despite having babies. Many, many babies are easier than what you have described. It’s probably bad luck, combined with being a first time mum in lockdown, and having a fussier baby than most. Anyone would feel the way you do in your shoes, and if you had one of those smiley easy babies who sleeps ten hours a night (like my DC2 at 5 months) you would be feeling a lot less like that.

What helped me with DC1:

• We completely weaned and got DC on the bottle 3 months before I started working again. It took literally starving DC for 10 days. There are days when DC simply wouldn’t have more than 30 mL and struggled and struggled to latch on to the bottle. We tried many different teats. We often had to wait until DC was asleep to put the bottle in their mouth and have them drink the full thing in one go and of course wake up with terrible burps and stomach upsets, but at least baby was fed. Then, DC eventually got used to it, and it was all ok.

• we never sleep trained in the cry it out sense. Instead, we were super gentle and just held DC in the dark at night until the screaming had run its course, and they fell asleep, and we could put them back in bed.

It almost broke me, but DC is now a VERY secure and started sleeping through the night miraculously at 14 months. Has always slept super well since. Trust me that is lifechanging and I remember slowly picking up the pieces after that and starting to feel human again.

Yes, it is absolutely horrible to start with if you have a child who doesn’t sleep and is hard to feed - but it very much does get better, even if things will never be easy like when you were single and free.

Hi OP really really feeling for you. I felt the same, but doing sleep training changed everything at 6.5 months - which just like you (like everyone I think) I was convinced couldn't work on my baby. I have honestly never known a baby where it didn't work within a few days, and I know dozens of people have done it. I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been convinced it was better for him as well as he was also waking up 6 to eight times a night. After one horrendous night where he cried for ages twice, the next night he slept through until 5am and that was that, he slept through from then. Once he was sleeping and I was sleeping EVERYTHING changed - once you get sleep you can cope with all the other stuff. And he was so much happier. And he then started going down easily for naps in his cot too! I know it goes against every instinct to leave your baby to cry for even five minutes but honestly if controlled crying did any form of emotional damage then a majority of all british kids would be emotionally damaged, as it's so common and recommended by health visitors. On the bad first night when I did it, I picked my crying son up and fed him at 6am and after he'd finished he just looked at me and started gooing all happily, I couldn't believe it, burst into tears myself, thought how are you ok, how do you not hate me??? But as soon as he fed he was happy and like I said the next night he just slept all night for the first time ever!

There a good reason why a lot of mums don't take a year off and happily go back to work.. and it's not about money! I'd wean him off the boob, get into own bed then own room. Reclaim your identity.
Then try and meet some new mums at a similar stage.

All the advice above is brilliant and well more practical than mine but one thing that's gets me and my husband through every single stage of babyhood and parenthood is... this too shall pass!! Believe me (I'm the mother of one child who slept through from 11 weeks old but is now the most emotional intense curious worrying little 9 year old I know.. to a 4 year old whose theme tune is "wrecking ball" by Miley Cyrus") we've been through it all... but seriously every single day we see some kind of light and just think "this too shall pass" (and one day we'll be sat sipping margaritas on a sunny beach somewhere thinking... awww can't wait to get home and see how much our grandchildren have grown ) hang on in there... this too shall pass

I thought the baby stage under 6 months was pretty shit pardon the pun. I love them to bits and always have done but it was day after night of no sleep, liquid shit nappies and crying. Thats what we all sign up for though and I found after 6 months it starts getting a much better.

Trust me you will be loving it soon.

Sorry to hear this

I think you would be surprised at how many people feel the same way as you have described

Sending best wishes ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I would definitely look into sleep training. There are plenty of different methods, and if you’re anything like me you’ll kick yourself for not trying it sooner.