How can I stop comparing my baby to others?

[squashie34]

As the thread title suggests I'm just after a little bit of help really.

I have a 7month old baby and have been so lucky to be part of several groups with other mums who had babies around the same time (NCT group/local WhatsApp group) - with the lockdowns these have been such a support but now that the babies are getting older and reaching milestones I can't help but find myself comparing and wondering why my baby isn't reaching those milestones at the same time.

My baby for example shows no desire to want to crawl, doesn't want to get into 4 point kneeling (she's still very stiff) and instead lies on her tummy and stretches to reach toys and pivot. Now that many of the babies who are slightly younger are so close to crawling and are getting on their hands and knees, I'm losing sleep and worrying myself sick that something is wrong with my baby.

I suffer from anxiety and if I'm honest with myself probably some PND since the birth and the s* mat leave we've been handed of being stuck at home with nothing else to keep me occupied accept my baby's milestones, and I really don't want to fall down the rabbit hole of worrying and not enjoying my baby. She's happy, she's talkative, she has taken to solids so well but I'm ignoring this and just finding myself comparing them feeling like an awful mum for not helping my baby enough 🙁

It’s inevitable I’m afraid. But babies are different and they reach milestones differently. Some never crawl, why bother when you can bum shuffle about. Some walk earlier than others, some talk earlier than others. But it all comes out in the wash.

I’d acknowledge the comparisons you make, but not to let them affect your mood or your relationship with your daughter. Bear in mind your friends may be thinking how well your daughter’s taken to food as they try to interest their own milk monster in some broccoli!

You need to remember that babies will develop physically at their own pace - nothing you do (or don’t do) can influence that. Even kids in horrific families that abuse / neglect can become early walkers if they develop physically in the right ways.

What you can influence is a love of reading, problem solving through age-appropriate toys - DS loved shape sorters and musical instruments at that age, and communication by talking to her. If you do all that then you’re definitely on the right track.

Equally popping a favourite toy very just out of reach does wonders for their problem solving! Try not to worry it will all be fine.

Watch the episode of Bluey called Baby Race

@GrumpyHoonMain she absolutely loves books and we read maybe 2/3 each day- she can find the texture places on the 'that's not my..' books and is starting to lift flaps herself. I try and narrate my day with her as much as possible and her babbling seems to be good- we have 'mama, baba, dada, nana oh and wow' 😆 obviously she has no clue of the meaning.

It really does just seem to be the gross motor skills I'm fixating on and comparing, in particular the crawling as I'm worried something must be wrong if other babies are doing it but my little one isn't (including like you say a baby who I know if pretty much left to her own devices much of the day)

@LittleBearPad
I even tried to bribe my little girl with a vegetable puff just out of reach to get her to move, but she used the rope on her playmat to pull the mat towards her to move it nearer and pick it up 🤦‍♀️

@squashie34 She figured it out though and got what she wanted. She sounds a smart cookie!

It's natural to compare but babies haven't read the parenting books and don't know when they 'should' be reaching milestones.

I had a late walker (19 months) and worried and compared to friends but now they're about to start school it's a distant memory and they all run about together!

My baby Ds did everything early. He is 24 now, he’s finished University and has a good job.

My baby Dd practically slept for the first 6 months, didn’t roll until 8 months, didn’t crawl until 10 months, walked at 20 months. She has been doing gymnastics since 5, she is a black belt and is in year 11 at the local Grammar school. Being a lazy baby made no difference by the age of three.

Both of my DC are pretty much the same even if Ds, did everything early and Dd did everything late.

@Aussieadopter wow that's just had me in tears!

They all do their own thing in their own time. DD didn't even roll over until she was at least 9 months, DS rolls over all the time from 11 weeks. DD slept through from 11 weeks, DS still gets up every 3 hours. Comparison is the thief of joy. Enjoy your baby and enjoy what they can do, not what they can't. I personally enjoyed my non moving DD when all my friends were running around after their crawlers (although I was heavily pregnant at the time!).

Lol she sounds clever. Don’t be so sure she doesn’t understand how to say mama / dada yet. DN was saying mama at 16 weeks, we assumed it was just babble and ignored it, then she grabbed her mum by the hair and shouted it in a threatening way. Lol she’s always had a temper but it was so funny.

They all get my there in their own time. My DS used to take ages to learn a new skill - he got up on his hands & knees at 6 months but couldn't crawl till 8 months, started cruising not long after but didn't walk till nearly 17 months. I had friends whose babies would just start doing the skill without the lengthy preamble I endured! They all run and jump now as toddlers.

I do think there's plenty of skills that don't get noticed because we're so focused on gross motor skills at an early age. DS has excellent fine motor skills but no one really cares that your kid can pick up a pea at 6 months. Baby DD doesn't seem as physical as DS did at this age but she's a much more cheerful baby so I'm probably comparing them in that respect!

We all develop at our own time and as adults we are also not the same. I am not even close athletically to my neighbour not even mentioning the sports stars . There is no reason to compare to other babies or children. Yes there is a list of milestone achievements by age but this are just the guidelines. Have you ever been asked on the interview what age were you crawling or potty trained? No one cares about the early milestones. Now my personal experience is that my DD never develops at the same time some things are more advanced like she was able to do complicated puzzles at 24 months but she is 36 now and struggles to put her shoes on . I am not worried as she focused on different development at the moment. She is well spoken and social and currently exploring solar system and she would explain in details solar system. However, only now able to pedal a trike. My best friend's baby was riding trike independently at 18 months .

I had an early crawler/walker and it was a nightmare. I had to drop all baby groups as she was trampling the other babies.

My second was slow to walk, but was an early talker. They seem to focus on one skill at a time. By the time they go to nursery school at 3 nobody can tell who walked or talked early. My friends DC didn't walk until just shy of her 2nd birthday and was August born so started nursery at just turned 3. By then she was no different to any of the others, including my DC who walked at 9 months.

My daughter is very foody - eg very very greedy. We accidentally left a empty plate on the floor from dinner (we often sit on the rug to eat together) and all of a sudden she was on all fours crawling for her life to get to this plate 😂 I think you’ve got to find something to tempt her. Also make the most of them not crawling as now I could do with eyes in my arse 🙄

The best piece of advice I can give is to stay away from Google and maybe take a little break from the group WhatsApp with mums - your baby will do things when they're ready, sure you can encourage but a lot of it is down to them! Mine rolled quite early, didn't drawl till about 10 months and didn't walk until about 17 months, and she's fine!

My 7 month old is very similar to yours not crawling or even showing attempts but loves books, is very vocal, eats really well and his fine motor skills are great. I didn’t think he would roll but in the last week has learnt how to roll both ways quite quickly so I’m thinking once he wants to do something he will. I have a few mums on social media and one mums daughter is so advanced and always find myself comparing and telling hubby when he is home so ands so’s daughter is walking etc. It’s soo hard especially when we are stuck at home alone all day, I’ve just tried focusing on what he’s great at and telling myself people only post/tell you the good things.

You need to remember that babies will develop physically at their own pace - nothing you do (or don’t do) can influence that.

What about tummy time? I barely did any as my DS hated it but is now behind in his gross motor skills (11 months and still not crawling or standing). I feel so guilty that I didn’t put more effort into tummy time when he was smaller.

I had a late walker (15 months) and crawler. She had tall spindly legs at the time, it was physiological. She's 11 now, has always been a notably good climber and good at whatever sport she does. Try not to worry! Your baby is perfect.

@knitting774 she does lots of tummy time- whenever she is playing she is on her tummy

Comparison is totally natural, it is part of learning, it only becomes a problem when it makes you anxious.

Remember it is normal for your child to start walking between X and Y months. Arm yourself with this knowledge so you know when other infants start walking at X months you know if is completely normal and nothing to worry about even if your child is approaching Y and still not walking.

Also remember there are those infants that haven't read the baby manual and might miss out stages altogether. ds(17) never did tummy time and his muscle development is absolutely fine!

Ds1 never crawled and I felt the same, he went straight to walking at 15 months. he was the same with talking, didn't put words together until well past 2.5 years, then it was like a switch flipped overnight and he was having conversations.

He seemed to get all the milestones late, but suddenly, as if he decided it was time to do them now.

It’s completely normal to compare at that age, but honestly by 3/4 you won’t even know who reached what milestone first.

My experience, I also compared to others a lot, as my baby wasn’t sitting properly at 7 months and everyone else’s baby in my nct group had been sitting for a few weeks . She sat up properly at 8 months, and one of the babies in my nct class was sitting at 5 months, i felt so bad

then I was worried about her crawling, she crawled around 9/10 months for a few weeks and was toddling before her first birthday and the nct baby hadn’t even started crawling yet and only started walking around 16 months whereas mine was running around by that stage and now they are both the same in terms on mobility.

So you see everyone develops differently. So please don’t worry and enjoy your baby.

Try not to think of her in terms of '7 month old baby' but in terms of 'minisquashie' individual human being who is her own unique person and with all her wonderful traits and quirks. We are all different as adults so why should babies all be the same? Concentrate on who she is and not who she isn't.

@squashie34 that's good. As I say I haven't done anywhere near enough and I think it's had an impact on my DS's gross motor skills How much tummy time do you do a day out of interest? I'm trying to increase it for DS and was wondering how much others do.