The relentless of it all

[Cakeandslippers]

How do you cope when it's all so relentless? I just need advice on what I ban do make life more bearable.

I have a 2yr2m old and an 8 month old. I loved the first few months, really hard but lovely. For the last 5 months it's just been relentlessly exhausting. Neither of them sleep and I'm just so tired all the time that I really struggle to enjoy the days, actually I'd go as far as saying I hate the days. I'm not depressed, but I'm horrendously tired. Lockdown obviously isn't helping but I just don't see an end to this exhaustion.

The baby just won't nap anywhere other than on me, and every day it gets harder and harder to get him to sleep, he ends up screaming a lot from being so tired but refusing sleep. He will sometimes nap in a moving pram outside but it sometimes doesn't work. He's up thousands of times a night. We have to cosleep which I don't enjoy but even then he'll be sitting up, clapping, singing hitting me, trying to escape, crying, many times a night. Today he is up for the day at 5.15am.

The toddler used to sleep through but now she's back to waking and crying several times a night, husband deals with that so he's exhausted so can't help give me a break from the baby. Toddler won't nap anymore either even though she needs it so just gets herself so exhausted she just tantrums and cries all afternoon. Think she's only eaten her tea twice since Christmas.

I know it'll pass etc etc but I know realistically I've probably got another couple of years stv least of sleep hell so I just need ideas on how to make it bearable, anything?

If they have a block of sleep from say 7pm-1pm or whatever, go to sleep then. Forget any ideas of trying to have an evening, be an adult or watch tv with your partner etc, just get your head down for that longest stretch. If you can regularly get a block of 6 hours sleep then you will be tired but not exhausted and it will make it bearable. Likewise, get ear plugs and get your partner to do the first 6 hours while you sleep, and you do the next shift while he sleeps. It’s not ideal but it’s only for a short while just to get you through.

7pm-1am that should say!

mine are 18 months apart. The early months are very hard. Fresh air every (relentless) day helps. Blackout blinds, curtains helps. Kids TV was on nearly constantly and I drastically lowered all standards

The co sleeping doesn’t seem to be helping, would you consider own crib/cot?

Posted too soon! All standards were lowered on the domestic shitwork front - cooking was anything that could be shoved in the oven (I used the old fashioned Pyrex lidded casserole dishes to shove frozen veg into and cook gently alongside some meat or other). It meant nothing got burnt when I was pinned under a sleeping child.
I went to bed with the kids, early. Yeah it's grim but you function better with a few hours kip under your belt.

@SandysMam 7- 1 would be a dream! Baby wakes at least every hour (he'll perhaps do 2 hours at the start of the night if we're lucky) and he won't settle for my husband very often, he regularly tries but the other issue is that if he gets him to sleep he just won't be put down but then husband has to put him down as he needs to go to toddler or go to sleep as he's up in the night with the toddler and then at work. I'd the toddler slept he'd definitely share the load with the baby.

@daisyoranges I'm desperate for him to go in the cot, I try and settle him there every night and I was getting 2 hour stints for a couple of weeks which was amazing but after about 9pm the most he'll last now its 20 minutes.

Thanks @DiscontentedWoman we're skiing all of that. Standards couldn't be lower thank goodness for lockdown in a way as I'd be too embarrassed to have visitors!

OP it is relentless made 1000x worse with covid. I’m about 7 months on from your situation and it’s miles easier. Could you think about sleep training? Properly for older child and gently for baby? You can cope with most things when it completely shattered. They both sound overtired as do you!

I think I’d consider some gentle sleep training too

Thanks, we did try it with the toddler, it was horrific and it did eventually work after a week but only for about 3 days and she seems to have developed some quite bad anxiety around sleep now which makes it worse than it was before. We had already tried a few methods - lucy wolfe, and a couple of others which had no effect (her sleep could be a whole topic in here!) but HV said to do controlled crying. Because of how much worse that's made things I just don't think I can do it with my boy. I feel terribly guilty for doing it with her given how it's turned out.

I feel like I just have to put up with it I just need to find a way to cope as it's just too much for me. I wish I was better at it like everyone I know...I know no one who had 2 kids sleeping this badly for so long.

@Homeschoolsoutforsummer thank you I hope it does get better though I just can't see how right now. They are both v overtired and I'm trying everything to try and rectify that but they (especially the toddler) just don't seem to respond like other children I know have done.

Sleep training. It's the only way. I have 2 with a similar age gap, and the sleep deprivation was breaking me.

Could you afford to have the toddler in childcare a couple of days? I find mine sleeps like a dream after a long full stimulating day at nursery.

@longtimelurkerfirsttimeposter yes i do, she's there 3dpw and those days are a lot better but I collect her at 4 and she just tantrums from the second I collect her as she's so tired, it doesn't seem to help her sleep in anyway. She used to nap there but has refused to for the last few weeks.

Similar gap to you. Sleep training. At least seriously tackling sleep. Working on getting toddler to nap or have quiet time. If they’ve not eaten their tea properly in months then perhaps they’re waking up because theyre hungry. Try and prioritise getting into a routine. Sounds a pain but it’s worth it. I’ve got friends with children 6+ who didn’t tackle sleep in the early years and they’re still sitting in their child’s room night after night because they won’t go to sleep!

Feel for you though. I always used to remember something I read on here
‘The days are long but the years are short’

Remember the clocks go forward in a couple of weeks so what is now a 5am wake up will be 6am then. Not much comfort I know.

My two are 18mths apart and felt very similar to you. My saving grace was getting some childcare for the older one once or twice a week. Could that be an option?

I’ve no advice re sleep as nothing I tried ever made any difference.

Be kind to yourself

My kids didn’t sleep either. For ages. Can the big one go to nursery at all? Or even both of them?

This part is the hard part due to their ages. It goes get easier! It's just about taking each day at a time at the moment.

@1AngelicFruitCake I have spent 2 years trying to tackle her sleep, please don't think I haven't. We've tried hundreds of things. Nothing works, or if it does it lasts a few days or weeks and then it reverts back. I hate this situation, I haven't just put up with it. She's not hungry, we've been through that particular issue many times, she won't eat when she's tried which is the issue. Sorry I realise I sound massively defensive but I've been living this nightmare for over 2 years and the worst thing I can imagine is another 5 years of it I'm doing everything I can to change it. She doesn't seem to respond like other kids.

It’s just awful to feel so tired. And then you have less patience in the day too. My two year old was a terrible sleeper too. But he did slowly get better. There were not magic tricks tho. And the baby slowly got better too. Night weaning at 1 helped a bit coz at least I didn’t have to sit up when she woke up.

I don't have any magical solutions, but is it possible to put baby in nursery for half a day a few times a few times week, and you could sleep in the quiet of the day? I know it's expensive but you should utterly strung out and I feel for you so much. Lack of sleep makes everything harder.

Sound, not should!

Put them both in their own rooms. When / if they cry in the night get you partner / husband to go to them. My children soon lost interest when they saw it was their dad 🤣. If they won't sleep in the evening / afternoon get DP/DH to drive them around in the car so you get some rest. In the day take them out in the pram to get them to sleep and you get some fresh air and exercise. Good luck!

OP in the nicest possible way I say this, you haven’t properly tackled sleep. If you had then this wouldn’t be happening and if you don’t your children will be waking you up and in your bed for years to come.

Your DD may be particularly determined but even she can be sleep trained , however this will involve you being quite tough and determined yourself

There will be lots of tears and tantrums but you just need to stick with it.

I would also get your youngest into a good sleep routine now in their own cot.

This all depends on how much you want sleep and also how much you equate co sleeping with good parenting.

For me, rested children and a rested mother made for happy days and good parenting so I sleep trained at 6 months

OP with regards to controlled crying making it worse, there are lots of views for and against but it can only make things worse if not followed through

You sound like a lovely kind and soft mother and I get it can be hard to watch your beloved DC cry but sometimes it’s that or sleep and I’d wager everyone will be happier with sleep

Do you not have family who can help, if only at the weekend ?.