Do toddlers have a reset button?

[Howtotameyourtoddler]

Posting in desperation. I'll try to keep this short.

Daughter is 2.3. Our once perfect and enjoyable bedtime routine has steadily turned into an absolute circus over the last few months, and we now have three separate problems;

1. Adamant bath refusal. She hasn't sat down in the bath for 3 weeks. Hasn't had her hair washed for 2 weeks. We now run the bath as usual, but end up washing her with a flannel. She fights and screams like a feral cat when we try to put her in. We have tried everything: force, bribery, new toys, getting in with her, changing the time (morning and afternoon), reverse psychology, ignoring the bath for a few days. NOTHING WORKS. I am losing my mind.

1. Refusing to let my partner put her to bed. Screams, wails, lashes out. It's understandably getting to him, and it's driving me mad.

1. Needing me to be in the room while she falls asleep. I know this is normal, but it's taking upwards of an hour after putting her into her cot for her to actually fall asleep. After all the dramatics that precede even getting her into bed, I'm finding my patience wearing incredibly thin. (She's slowly dropping her nap - sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. Makes very little difference as to when she goes to sleep!)

Can anyone help? I don't even know where to start. I honestly feel like we've tried everything and nothing is working. She's very, very sensitive and very willful. She's at the age where absolutely everything feels like a battle. I'm really firm with boundaries but she's exhausting me. So the days are hard enough without ending them with a two-hour tantrum every night. It's really wearing my partner and I down. What the hell do we do?

Is your partner her dad?

My toddler was doing all of these things. What worked for us was to put her in the cot for a 15 minute ‘wind down’ before lights off - we put some non-stimulating toys in there (like just a few books and a teddy) and then leave her to it for a bit. It seems to be a good transition between being with us and then going to bed.

If you keep being consistent they do eventually comply again, I know it's really hard and feels like it goes on forever but it will settle down again and will then be a distant memory. Just keep doing your usual routine

The bath.
Why does she need to sit down/ have an actual bath at all? Can she have a shower instead? Or a strip wash? Tackle that, then the hair. Is her hair actually dirty?

Bedtime.
Why not change the routine completely?
Eg. Get her into a 'big girls' bed. Even if it's just the mattress on the floor. Start a new routine that doesn't include the bath.
Sound slow she isn't tired of she's flapping about for an hour?
What is your calm down routine?

For example you could say, 15 mins of play with a quiet toy, then 10-15 minutes reading or intil she starts showing you her tired/sleepy cues. and then a kiss and cuddle and say goodnight.

Then just ignore her until she falls asleep.

Much, much younger but my 11mo son wont sit down in the bath either. We just wash him standing up and pour bath water on him to keep him warm like some kind of Greek god whilst he pickles around with bath toys, bottles etc.

I’d put both of mine into a toddler bed well before the age of two. The ‘big boy bed’ was enough to make bed time a more appealing prospect when they were going through an equally awkward stage, plus mum/dad can get in for a cuddle which makes the staying in the room bit less physically uncomfortable.

Hated toddler stage. Hated it. Going through it for a second time with DS2 sealed the deal on stopping at two DCs.

1. Can she shower? Go in the bath with you? Stand in the bath? Use a toy watering can and water herself in the bath?

1. Sounds like time to drop her nap. Also go out when Daddy does bedtime.

My two year old went through a phase of not like the bath but enjoying holding the shower head over a mixing bowl standing, so that’s how we washed him - using the stream of water.

Thanks so much everyone.

We did try her with the shower but she was petrified of it. Not really surprising, she's very easily scared. I really can't emphasise how sensitive this child is! She was equally horrified when I got in the bath (which did wonders for my self esteem 😅).

@00100001 I have just been strip/flannel washing her, but it just feels like I can't get her properly clean. Her hair looks a bit lank and grubby. I just can't see how to get her back in the bloody tub!

Everyone recommending a transition to a big bed - you're all right! I wish we'd moved her out of the cot months ago. We're due to move house in the next month or two, so we're going to try to keep her in a cot until then to minimise disruption. ... or should we just do it now?!

Why don't they come with instructions?!

@ElphabaTheGreen aargh, like some sort of glutton for punishment, we're actually trying for our second! Obviously I'm insane. I feel like I've been hissing "this too shall pass" for the last 27 months.

Agh toddlers they are a minefield! We have a 2.5 year old and I haven’t figured it all out yet !!!! Solidarity!

Does she still nap ? Ours is very similar in age and started to be difficult at night. We have now largely dropped the map and he is much better (though I miss the nap and he has dropped it a year earlier than his siblings).

My toddlers have all gone through those phases and eventually reset. It feels like it will never pass and then one day you realise it's been a week!

For the bath, when mine went through the bath refusing stage we gave her a dolly that she could wash in the bath. It distracted her enough that we could wash her while she washed the doll.

Solidarity, this stage is tough.

Re the bed move. Just do it now. a month or two is forever when you're 2!

She'll be used to her big bed and new routine, and moving will be absolutely fine!

If she hates the bath that much, I guess you either need to go along the lines of "this is non negotiable" like teeth brushing and just grit your teeth.

Or... controversial .... Try a gradual reintroduce and bribe her each step of theway with chocolate buttons.
E.g She goes in the bathroom, gets a chocolate button. Gets in empty bath fully dressed...gets a chocolate button. Sits in bath. Gets a button. Plays with flannel/jugs/cleaning implements...get a button... And then once she associates the bath with buttons... Get her to get undressed...button...get her to fill the bathn with water, button. Etc etc. Make a promise to yourself that you won't get cross/angry/frustrated. Just be calm and cool of she refuses. But tempt her with the chocolate button if needs be...

I recall exactly what you describe when my DS was about the same age - suddenly it all just went to shit.

We changed bedtime up completely. We don’t bath before bed anyway as it wakes him up rather than relaxes. But we started a wind down hour before bed - so all toys went away and we brought out a basket of quiet time toys - books, simple jigsaws, that sort of thing. He would then get his pjs on downstairs and have his milk, then upstairs, brush teeth and bed. The change seemed to help and it became less of a battle.

He’s 3.5 now, and tonight is the first time he’s gone to sleep on his own after saying “I go sleep now, night night mummy you leave” 😭😭😭😭

(Baby brother born imminently so if he could keep that up, that would be grand, but still, my heart broke a bit 😭)

DS went through a stage of refusing the bath.

I ran a very full bath and got some interesting new toys which I dropped into the water. He had to squat right down to get them and ended up sitting in the water again. The downside was in sitting down suddenly he sent a tsunami of water over the side of the bath!

So appreciating all the solidarity. I had a hellish first year with her (see: sensitive and willful) but I've actually been feeling quite capable and sorted since then. This stage has given me a reality check - I have no bloody idea what I'm doing and I'm so out of my depth! As with every other phase, I'm sure she'll just snap out of it one day and I can smugly attribute it to whatever desperate intervention I'm trying at that precise moment.

@00100001 the bribery route is the only one I haven't really tried properly. I am that desperate to wash her hair that I might just have to do it.

I do think a change in routine is probably needed as well though. It's obviously not working anymore! I'll have a chat with my partner about moving her into a big bed and then we can try to structure a new routine around that. I'm such a creature of habit, I think it'll be harder for me than for her!

Sounds pretty similar to my son.
We just let him stand in the bath and he doesn’t mind it if it has bubbles and he’s part of the bath running process. He also needs warning when you pull the plug as he thinks he might get sucked in.
We waited until moving to transition him to
His big bed but he actually falls asleep in my bed and then we carry him in. I play an audiobook, give him a cuddle and then roll away and hang out on mumsnet until he falls asleep.
He only lets me take him up but we have recently had a baby and I think it’s his way of reclaiming me so choosing my battles on that one

@Haydugi that's a good idea! She now won't even stand in it, but as soon as we get to that stage, I'll try with a deeper one (and put towels on the floor!).

I wish I knew what had triggered all this - a few weeks ago she was having tantrums because she didn't want to get out!

I would try and get her to associate the bath with fun.

You can get colour changing bath bombs for children. Maybe get some bath crayons, wind up bath toys. Fill the bath let her have a play with no expectation that she will get in. If she's having fun she maybe inclined to get in.

Maybe it's just a way she can exert control and get undivided attention from mum and /or dad?

Has anything changed for her? Is she having a growth spurt? Is she able to control/choose other things in her life. Eg. Can she pick her own clothes (even if it's from a choice of two), has she been given enough independence in things like... Being able to help herself to snacks (again, ore measured and provided by you...not a free for all in the mars bar stash, obviously)

Might be worth looking at external things. The bath might just be the symptom an unrelated cause!

My daughter also went through a bath refusal at a similar age. It may not help for you at the moment, but what helped her was going swimming! It was a risk, but we hadn't been for a while (between lockdowns) and she really enjoyed it. After that baths were no problem!
Both our daughters had a lamp next to their cot before they progressed to cot bed. It meant they had a bit more independence and control and could look at books with the light on, which really helped bedtime (we wrapped the wire around the bars several times to reduce risk).

What a pain, my 2.5yr old adores the shower. Loads of toys and she’ll potter in there for 30m while I sit with a cuppa. The reset I need is on nappy changing and getting dressed. All of a sudden, battles every time. Think she needs to potty train but can’t face it quite yet. With the bedtime stuff, I think you need to decide what you and partner want, and go for it. Like if you decide he has to be able to put her to bed, or that you no longer want to stay while she falls asleep - make a plan, prepare her and talk about it, and implement consistently. They take the lead from us. I learned this with my first - all this time we were following her and lying with her to help her fall asleep etc, but when I no longer could fit in her bed as I was so pregnant, it had to stop. And she adjusted after a bit of grumbling. Lots of the stress is because we feel guilty and conflicted about setting these boundaries so send mixed messages. My DH is good at this stuff and I’m more emotional. He just makes clear that he does every other bedtime and that’s that. We make sure there’s plenty cuddles with me when she complains, but she knows that’s the drill round here.

I assume you’ve tried cooler or warmer water for the bath and white noise for the sleep issues? If not try them asap as they can be easy fixes. White noise has to be loud to work.

What worked with DN was this- Put some bubbles or food colouring in the full bath, load it up with new bath toys, and let her play with the water from the outside. Put her in a swimsuit. Do this everyday and offer her to go inside. Eventually the fear will go and she’ll get in. To actually get her clean I would put bubbles in a small inflatable pool and scrub DN in the kitchen. But if she’s small enough you could try the kitchen sink.

My friends DD was like this for awhile. What eventually coaxed her back in the bath was getting her a baby doll that was suitable to go in the bath too. She really loved her dolls and had a mini baby bath ect.
Do you have a shower? Would she be happier having a shower for awhile?