Do toddlers have a reset button?

[Howtotameyourtoddler]

Posting in desperation. I'll try to keep this short.

Daughter is 2.3. Our once perfect and enjoyable bedtime routine has steadily turned into an absolute circus over the last few months, and we now have three separate problems;

1. Adamant bath refusal. She hasn't sat down in the bath for 3 weeks. Hasn't had her hair washed for 2 weeks. We now run the bath as usual, but end up washing her with a flannel. She fights and screams like a feral cat when we try to put her in. We have tried everything: force, bribery, new toys, getting in with her, changing the time (morning and afternoon), reverse psychology, ignoring the bath for a few days. NOTHING WORKS. I am losing my mind.

1. Refusing to let my partner put her to bed. Screams, wails, lashes out. It's understandably getting to him, and it's driving me mad.

1. Needing me to be in the room while she falls asleep. I know this is normal, but it's taking upwards of an hour after putting her into her cot for her to actually fall asleep. After all the dramatics that precede even getting her into bed, I'm finding my patience wearing incredibly thin. (She's slowly dropping her nap - sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. Makes very little difference as to when she goes to sleep!)

Can anyone help? I don't even know where to start. I honestly feel like we've tried everything and nothing is working. She's very, very sensitive and very willful. She's at the age where absolutely everything feels like a battle. I'm really firm with boundaries but she's exhausting me. So the days are hard enough without ending them with a two-hour tantrum every night. It's really wearing my partner and I down. What the hell do we do?

I recommend the book 'Raising Your Spirited Child'. Your DD sounds similar to mine.

For washing, if she's going to scream however you do it just do it whatever is quickest and most convenient. Or give her a choice of how you do it but persevere with it. I would only wash her once a week though if she hates it, that is enough at her age.

Bed time could you try a gradual retreat type method to teach her to fall asleep alone? Does she sleep with a teddy/music/comforter or anything?

Maybe she's just not tired and is resenting your trying to put her to bed before she's good and ready, DD is same age and stubborn AF sometimes. DD doesn't nap anymore and sleeps 7-7ish now (with wake ups) and she's out in minutes if we get bed time right but if she's not tired it won't work and we'll be there for an hour or more. If she naps bedtime moves to about 11

The nap dropping started about a year ago her and was a painful drawn out process

Would she get into the bath when there's no water there and she's clothed? Sort of desensitisation? You could do messy play or painting type things which can be washed away easily afterwards

Here's things that worked with mine

Bath:
Reading books in the bath
New toys
Random items from the kitchen in the bath
Deeper water
A quite frankly ridiculous "puppet show" with his baby doll when he's really hysterical

Bed:
My DH does the bulk of bedtime every other night with the promise mummy will come up at the end. We are consistent on this.
Big bed - stair gate on door though to reduce escapes
Gradual retreat technique to get you out of the door

The nap is hard, mine dropped his last summer but now seems to need one every 4 days or so. I wish there was a manual!

We’ve never had bath as part of the bed time routine as, like a PP it was always so much fun that he was more excited rather than less!

Our bedtime routine includes one episode of paw patrol (so I’m sure there will be many that think we’re poisoning our child) but it really gets him into the zone out mode and he associates it with getting ready for bed.

Before paw patrol DS goes to his bedroom to get his nappy and Pyjamas and then changes himself (mostly) whilst watching. Straight after he brushes teeth and has a wee on the toilet and from there goes straight to his bedroom for a story. He usually rummages in the car box first to find something to take to bed with him.

DS has his own opinion on everything , so giving him the choice over which Pyjamas, which story and which toy is coming to bed, satisfies his need to be in control. He also absolutely must turn the light off which is also fine.

Honestly, this is not at all how I envisaged the bedtime routine and I am pretty anti-TV in general for toddlers.... but what ever works and is least stress is a great way to get through this phase. And we hope he turns into a normal person soon!

Also, now a bath is a much looked forward to treat in his eyes and it’s nice to be able to say yes to that as an activity instead of playing cars again!

My DS was an utter demon about bedtime at 2.3, I was at my wits end! I don't have any amazing tips I'm afraid but we just remained consistent with his routine and at 2.6 he is starting to improve

This is like looking into my future in 5 months time and I'm terrified!

There's so much great advice on here - thank you everyone!

@MeadowHay I'll order that book today, thanks!

@choosername1234 that's a really great idea. She starts freaking out if I even pick her up in the bathroom, so some desensitisation is probably needed. I've got a few days off with her so we'll do some messy play in there and see if that helps. I'm also going to get her baby bath out of the loft and buy her a plastic dolly so she can give it a bath. She's obsessed with babies, so hopefully that'll help!

@Greaterthanthesumoftheparts no shade here on the TV front. Mine won't brush her teeth without Hey Duggee. If it works, it works!

@MaMaD1990 I promise it's not as awful as it sounds! She's also hilarious and chatty and a lot of fun to play with - it's not all a battle of wits and wills, I swear!

My ds 2 went through this with the bath, but there was a very good and awful reason for it so we just washed him with cloths. He was about a year and a half. Hands face and feet washed in the sink with soap, and if he would let me, his but etc too. She will get over it eventually.

As for falling asleep, I can't really help because I just let mine fall asleep on the couch with us or in our bed. Screaming children is not something I'm prepared or able to listen to every day/night so I just do the easiest thing (if I can get away with it) and remember that it doesn't last forever.

I could have written this OP, I'm in exactly the same position as you

What has worked for us is that once a week (on a Saturday morning) I will run myself a bath and get in it, leaving the bathroom door open. DD will inevitably follow me in and she takes all her clothes off and asks to get in. I also wash my own hair with the jug, lots of smiles etc, and she just about lets me wash hers.

At bedtime I lie down on the bed with her until she falls asleep then I transfer her into her cot so she stays in it overnight. The whole process takes an hour which is painful, and only mummy can do it. I'd go out but there's nowhere to go at the moment!

I have found a dimmable lamp very helpful. I bought a little one off Amazon that has a remote control and I slowly start dimming the lights leading up to bedtime. I have to do it slowly or she notices and barks "light on! Light on!" at me

I didn’t put my toddler in the water stream - I let him hold the shower head and fill a mixing bowl - which he loved. Some balls and ducks in there which floated out and needed retrieving helped, then I washed him with a flannel and the water out the bowl. I find he’s more up for a bath earlier in the day, say 4-5pm than 6pm.

Re the cot transition. I baby proofed his room and got a stairgate - he fell asleep on the floor mostly for a while but it wasn’t a difficult transition at all.