Sad for the little girl I’ve lost

[MissyMoooo]

My DD is 14 and I honestly don’t know how to manage her mood swings. She’s really not pleasant to me or DH (unless she wants something) She talks back, rolls her eyes at me, won’t do a thing around the house not even bring her plates downstairs (yes she eats her meals in her room and not with us) She went out for a few hours yesterday and I gutted her bedroom, there was a full bags worth of empty wrappers and god knows what else - she tidies her room but doesn’t even clean it or hoover etc. She sleeps all day and refuses to get up, doesn’t do schoolwork, she says she will but then doesn’t. I’m at the end of my tether, she has zero respect for me and I don’t know what to do or how to turn it around. I can’t believe it’s got this far, please don’t flame me, I am really struggling.

Yeah- welcome to the 14-16 year old teen girl club. It will pass x

Sounds normal, sons are the same. Drove me nuts at that age.

Really, this is normal behaviour? Oh Jeezo, I don’t ever remember acting like this at that age. She used to be so lovely 😭 I’m really pleased to hear it’s not just me though!! Thank you for responding.

@Wearywithteens you are absolutely correct. I am always kind to her but sometimes it’s like walking on eggshells. I guess I just needed to hear that I’m not the only one. With regards to changing communication and boundaries I agree. I just don’t know how or where to start. She’s like a little tyrant!

It will pass! one day she’ll be a delightful young woman in her 20s who you take out for lunch and all this will be a distant memory... In the meantime there must be some good books on parenting teens.

I’m trying to remember what we did with DSS. I think we let the untidiness slide, and even most of the moods. We still removed his phone if warranted. He did engage with school work though so I guess we were fortunate in that respect. I think you just have to be honest and say, “look if you don’t want to engage in education now that’s up to you. But I am unable to support you to pay for any resits. Those will be your responsibility.” Obviously that may not be true but part of becoming an adult is learning to be responsible for your own actions.

She has to figure her life path out for herself, you just have to be ready to catch her so she doesn’t completely fall down if she makes a mistake. Learning from mistakes is often how most of us succeed in life.

She will come back one day you just have to weather the storm for a few years.I am saying this from someone who has been there as a parent.
Teenage years are difficult.

@MissyMoooo

Really, this is normal behaviour? Oh Jeezo, I don’t ever remember acting like this at that age. She used to be so lovely 😭 I’m really pleased to hear it’s not just me though!! Thank you for responding.

Once you grow out of it, it's mysteriously wiped from your memory, did you not know this?

I totally get you. I remember crying once after DD had been particularly nasty to me and saying to DP "I was a young mum, I thought we'd be mates when she was a teenager and that we'd do loads of fun stuff together!"

I laugh at myself now, both for thinking that and for thinking instead that she hated me and we'd be enemies forever! She's 21 now and has been mainly a delight for the last 3 or 4 years. We still have moments where we fall out, but it passes.

My 15 dd is awful to me. Has been about since 12. Almost like bullying. Hoping it will pass. Did get a ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ at 11.45 this morning so things are looking up.......

@Workinghardeveryday that's exactly how I felt with DD1 and I think it took me back to my school days. But I tried to see it as she was experiencing similar at school and needed to release that anger and vileness in a safe place.
It was horrible.
Now I have a wonderful adult daughter who calls every day for chats and is just lovely. But DD2... well.... 🥵
At least DD1 gives me hope and also has grown up chats with DD2!

@Workinghardeveryday is so hard isn’t it. Done really great advice, thanks very much everyone. I am taking it all on board. I guess I needed to hear it’s not just my DD and I’m really hoping it passes soon. It’s so difficult to think she actually hates me when I’m trying my best to be a good mum. @Keeping2ChevronsApart you might be right 😂

Was she OK with you going into her room without her there?
Surely an opportunity to doi this with her and let her chat to you or not

its hard isn't it
the sleeping all day and going to bed late thing is natural and to do with their developing brains, in normal times the school day enforces some kind of shape but i bet loads of teens have just not had that 're set'.
I think you have had good advice here and however hard it is, you can't actually make her work- or do anything really.
However I think I would draw the line at her eating in her room. Does she help herself to the family meal and then take it upstairs? That's rude and unhygienic. Just don't give her any until she's sat down.

@Embracelife she was out at the time, but she did say thank you to me for cleaning it. Normally when I go into her room she tells me to get out 🙄 @StillWeRise I make her dinner and she just takes it to her room. I’ve tried telling her not to and her response is that she just won’t eat. So I guess I let her because it stops an argument and I know she’s eating something. I should never have allowed her in the first place, I know this.

I could have written the OP. My lovely thoughtful girl is horribly rude now. It feels like bullying.
She's not even acknowledged that it's Mothering Sunday.

I was hoping someone would recommend a good book as I definitely need some help.

"How to talk so teens will listen "

@Walkingtheplank it totally does few like bullying - I can’t do anything right for doing it wrong. And god forbid she says something and I don’t hear and she needs to repeat it!! My god she can be horrible. But I do love her and I just want to try to make her teenage years as painless as possible. I know she’s not a bad lass, lots of her friends go out at weekends drinking in the street and taking drugs, it’s great that she tells me this and confides in me, but now if she asks to go out with these certain individuals I say no (obviously) then I’m the worst mum and I’m too strict!! I just want to protect her.

@Embracelife thank you I will check this out

I distinctly remember being exactly like this with my mum at this age, am ashamed to admit. I turned out ok though!

I would highly recommend the book “Blame My Brain: the Amazing Teenage Brain Revealed” it doesn’t necessarily give you answers on how to change the behaviour but does a fantastic job of explaining the behaviour in the context of brain development. Interesting stuff.

@Phiphi123 thank you so much, I will check it out

I'll check it out too.